Asking for a substantial amount of money

[mabelandivy]

SIL is going through a divorce, their house has just sold and she's put an offer on a new one. Problem is the divorce settlement she is getting, share of sell of house money doesn't cover the new property with a shortfall of almost £50k. DH has been asked whether we can help out and she's requesting a loan of 30k from us. DH went back and said that was too much due to our financial situation currently and the next request was £25k. AIBU to think this is a huge amount of money to be asking for? We do have savings that would help, but we've have put off doing things around the house due to cash flow and DH's company being in a difficult position currently due to Covid - he is making lots of redundancies and we're not sure if the business is going to survive. The house the offer has been made on is lovely, but is huge - 5 bedrooms when it's just SIL and DS - and there are other nice (smaller) properties on the market in the same area for considerably less. I am happy to help, but I think a 6 figure sum request is a lot of money and also a cheeky big ask. I should also say that I can't see how this money will be paid back when SIL also doesn't work.

...and what is worse the “loan” is pissed up against the wall, and the “borrower” feels no shame whatsoever in that.

I love how confident some people are asking for money. I feel cheeky asking to lend a tenner of my mum and always asks if she needs/wants money to pay for the kid’s meals when they go out 😆

I’d be inclined to say no. If would be a different matter if she was struggling to pay bills/was facing eviction/couldn’t afford to feed and clothe her child. I would be more than happy to help my family with genuine issues like this.

Wanting to lend money to buy a house way out of her budget for rooms she doesn’t need is just spoilt and rude. Especially during the current financial climate.

You'd be mad to loan any money in the current situation, facing an uncertain future yourselves.

I agree with everyone else - she needs to find a property within her budget.

A loan is something enforceable that you can expect to be repaid

This women will not pay you back, nobody will do anything about it and your financial situation will be utterly fucked.

The reply is “no, SIL we are not about to give anyone our money, and you will need to rethink the purchase. You can’t afford the house, won’t be able to afford to run it or maintain it”

I know it’s harsh, but someone needs to serve her a portion of reality.

She’s fucking deluded and no wonder she’s divorcing.

@Rainbowshine

Ask your DH why his sister’s desire (not need) is more important than securing his own children’s home or indeed securing the future income and employment of the people working for him. He has no legal commitment or responsibility to her, but he has responsibilities to his children and you and his employees/creditors. When it comes to money you have to follow the responsibility and commitment, not the emotional baggage.

This with bells on. She needs to get a job if she wants a house of that size. Why should you go without for the sake of her feelings??

Silly lady offering on a property without the means to pay! She just needs to buy a cheaper house OP - simples!

For some reason, her blase attitude to asking big cheeky favours reminds me of a silly joke that Mark Lamarr told ages ago:

I've just won the award for The Most Reasonable Man In Brtain. Well actually, I originally came second, but I asked the bloke who won if I could have it and he said, "Yeah, sure"!

Breathtakingly rude, to assume a loan. I’d be speechless!

No fucking way! A five bed house for 2 people? Sod right off.

I am going to instruct DH to contact her tonight with a max loan offer of 5k, which I think is reasonable in the current circumstances. No more than this. I've just seen on FB that she dining out (again) following a weekend at the spa. No way am I sitting her working myself silly to pay for all of that!

Why offer her any money at all? She has enough to buy a house outright while you're working overtime and worrying about a drastic drop in income.

That’s 5 k too much!

Why are you offering her any money? She's not entitled to anything you've earned and saved.

@Alxandra

Really, the size of the house she buys is none of your business. She has requested a loan from you, and you can either lend money to her or not. The choice is yours of course, but why question what size house she wants to buy. It’s her life and her choice and she has every right to ask her brother for help. Just like you have every right to turn her down.

I think the point is that if she needed the money to buy a home any home, that would be one thing. Needing the money to buy an entirely over the top large house is something else, when you consider that if she bought something within her budget then she would still have a pretty decent home for her and one DC.

Reminds me of a friend years ago. Her car died, and she needed another one. Her sister very kindly offered to help her buy a new car, so friend promptly went out & started looking at comparatively expensive brands. She was very put out when her sister told her in no uncertain terms that she was only willing to buy what the friend needed, not what she fancied.

I think you're making a mistake offering her ANY money at all. If you offer her £5k, she'll ask for £10k.

Just say 'I'm sorry SIL, we are not in position to offer you a loan'

End of story.

As you say, why should you bankroll her in a lifestyle she clearly can't afford?

You won’t see that £5k again & you'll kick yourself for it when you see her eating out on Facebook while you go to work for pay for it.

Even if you draw up an agreement to enforce it will cause major problems in the family.

You don’t have to jump just because she’s cracking her whip. You can say no & I’d strongly advise you do so.

Don't think of it as a loan - she won't. I think she'll be even less likely to bother trying to repay it if it's 'only' £5K.

If you can afford to just say goodbye to that money, if you think that she needs it more than you do (whilst buying a 5-bed luxury home), by all means go ahead; but think of it as a massively generous gift to indulge her desires as a reward for her moving house (possibly at the expense of your own family's financial security), as it most certainly isn't a need in any way.

Omg DON’T offer her £5k! That’s not clever.
She will be back in a few months asking for more and whichever way you rationalise it, you WILL be working hard so she can go to her spa

Absolutely no way. How will she pay it back (even the £5k)? How will you ensure it doesn't create bitterness between you and your DH? How will you feel when she's splashing cash and you're going without?

Not. A. Chance.

I've just seen on FB that she dining out (again) following a weekend at the spa. No way am I sitting her working myself silly to pay for all of that

LOL that is exactly what you are doing if you 'lend' her £5k - how long will it take you to earn that so that she can indulge herself at a spa?

Ridiculous.

Just say no, nothing - but buy her a House Warming present when she finds a 3 bed to suit her.

She's not asking for a loan, she's asking for a gift and calling it a loan. She knows she can't and won't pay it back.

I don't understand why she's put in an offer on a house she can't afford? No way would I lend this

@mabelandivy

I am going to instruct DH to contact her tonight with a max loan offer of 5k, which I think is reasonable in the current circumstances. No more than this. I've just seen on FB that she dining out (again) following a weekend at the spa. No way am I sitting her working myself silly to pay for all of that!

In the nicest possible way, are you insane?

Say no! This is not "refusing to help", this is "refusing to indulge". There is a big difference.