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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Asking for a substantial amount of money

507 replies

mabelandivy · 29/09/2020 09:05

SIL is going through a divorce, their house has just sold and she's put an offer on a new one. Problem is the divorce settlement she is getting, share of sell of house money doesn't cover the new property with a shortfall of almost £50k. DH has been asked whether we can help out and she's requesting a loan of 30k from us. DH went back and said that was too much due to our financial situation currently and the next request was £25k. AIBU to think this is a huge amount of money to be asking for? We do have savings that would help, but we've have put off doing things around the house due to cash flow and DH's company being in a difficult position currently due to Covid - he is making lots of redundancies and we're not sure if the business is going to survive. The house the offer has been made on is lovely, but is huge - 5 bedrooms when it's just SIL and DS - and there are other nice (smaller) properties on the market in the same area for considerably less. I am happy to help, but I think a 6 figure sum request is a lot of money and also a cheeky big ask. I should also say that I can't see how this money will be paid back when SIL also doesn't work.

OP posts:
VeganCow · 29/09/2020 13:32

@Cocomarine

Genuine question... why is it a difficult conversation for your husband? Why is it hard for him to say no to giving money for a 5 bedroom house?
THIS!
abstractprojection · 29/09/2020 13:35

In your circumstances absolutely not

If you had 30k lying around with no use, need or future need of it then sure if that’s your DH wanted to do and you felt ok with this

abstractprojection · 29/09/2020 13:39

I’d also add that she is asking and people cheeky enough to ask others for such sums typically think along the lines of ‘if they’re not ok with it they’ll just say no’ because that’s what they’d do. So just say no. You or your DH do not need to justify it.

Also ‘helping’ is covering a bit of rent to prevent homelessness not 30k for a 5 bed house! That’s asking for a substantial gift (loans are made with banks not family) which is not help but an extremely large and in your case unaffordable gift

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 29/09/2020 13:52

She has allowed for all of the moving costs, hasn't she - including solicitor's fees and stamp duty? Or is this what has caused the shortfall she's wanting you to cover? or is she going to the other extreme and thinking of all the furniture and decorating she'll need to pay for in her massive new house?

I'm with the PP in wanting to know how she's finding the rest of the £50K shortfall that she hasn't asked you for. In general, when people tell you they need a specific amount for something that they 'need' to buy, but are willing to accept significantly less than that amount, if that's all you can offer, it tends to be a sign that they're just wanting a big freebie handout and the reason they've given, along with its 'most-optimistic-amount scenario', may well not actually exist.

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 29/09/2020 13:55

I’d also add that she is asking and people cheeky enough to ask others for such sums typically think along the lines of ‘if they’re not ok with it they’ll just say no’ because that’s what they’d do. So just say no.

This, absolutely. CFs without shame will quite happily ask 100 people for something very significant and consider it a win if one says yes.

1WildTeaParty · 29/09/2020 13:56

It is family - so go ahead only if you can accept that you are giving the money as a gift.

Be surprised (and delighted) if any of it is returned to you.

Don't go into this expecting to get it back or your relationships will be under strain - longterm - and you will end up feeling bitter and resentful. The loan will cost you much more than the sum of its parts.

Can you afford to do this and do you both feel that her need of the money greater than your own?

Inertia · 29/09/2020 14:11

She's taking the absolute piss. She needs to find a house within her budget.

You need to be absolutely clear in telling her that you don't have this money available, as you need savings if and when the business goes under. 'Happy to help' is far too wishy-washy.

justasking111 · 29/09/2020 14:11

If it is any comfort a friends DS and wife after ignoring dad for years he has just sold two flats asked him for £300k because they want a bigger house. Never mind his DD who has not asked for any money. We are talking about professional people living down south both with excellent careers. Dad has been careful all his life, inherited a home so moved in there. The kids will be quids in when he dies but want the money NOW!!

MilkOfThePuppy · 29/09/2020 14:11

Under no circumstances would I give her a loan. It's embarrassing and ridiculous for her to even consider asking, when she can afford a smaller, more reasonable home in the same area.

Since she came back with another request after the awkwardness of having the first one denied, I'd say this is a good time for you husband to be a bit firmer with her to clearly communicate that she shouldn't be counting on him for money, now or in the future. He should explain that times aren't good for anyone, the future of his own livelihood is uncertain, and he simply can't afford to be giving "loans".

Noshowlomo · 29/09/2020 14:16

No way

Devlesko · 29/09/2020 14:20

No way, cf to ask in the first place.
Just tell dh and her "Never a borrower or lender be" is a saying for a reason.

Berthatydfil · 29/09/2020 14:20

Depending on their sibling relationship chose the most appropriate answer
1- ha ha you’re joking obviously sis. The way covid has hit our business we could be asking you for a loan from your divorce settlement. You may have noticed we don’t live in a 5 bedroom house ourselves.
2- that’s not possible.

bpirockin · 29/09/2020 14:21

That's ridiculous! Even if I won loads of money and wanted to buy anyone a house, it would be on the proviso that it suited their requirements and they could afford the related expenses. A five bedroom house for two people is unnecessary. How's she ever going to manage on her own without working, and adjusting her expectations?

You'd be doing her a favour saying no to any additional funds, let alone a large amount that there is little prospect of you getting back.

Devlesko · 29/09/2020 14:23

I'm worried your dh said it was too much, rather than laugh and say no.
He could turn out to be your problem here if he doesn't grow a spine and say no.
How can he give her money anyway, unless it's savings? He can't be taking it out of the business surely when he's making redundancies, all sorts of lack of morality in that one.

AntiHop · 29/09/2020 14:25

I'd happily lend a family member money if they were in a difficult situation. My dad lent me money for the deposit for my first flat, which I otherwise would not have been able to afford.

But your sil does not need a 5 bed house. She's being ridiculed and wants you to finance her ridiculousness.

Mummyoflittledragon · 29/09/2020 14:27

Ha ha ha. Your sil is a sincere cf. She wants you both to work and subsidise her having a superior standard of living. Maybe she will regret the divorce....

sneakysnoopysniper · 29/09/2020 14:31

Many years ago (1960s) I was moving into my first home, an unfurnished flat and I had nothing in the way of household goods. I was not on good terms with my parents so I asked my (quite wealthy) grandmother if she would lend me the money I needed. I had everything priced out (done my homework) and made a list of what I needed and also how I was proposing to pay it back and how long it would take.

My grandmother was quite impressed by my figures. She said that the amount i wanted and how I intended to pay it back was realistic. She then offered to GIVE me the money as a gift . I told her I felt uncomfortable taking it and preferred to regard it as a loan. When I had paid her back about a third she outright refused to take any more. She said I had kept my word and shown willing and she would be offended if I offered her any more. You did not argue with my grandmother.

If you are going to borrow money you need to be able to convince the lender that you a) need the amount you are asking for and b) have the means to pay it back in a realistic time frame.

nibdedibble · 29/09/2020 14:32

Am I right that she’s gone ‘£50k please’ and then ‘£30k would do’ because that sounds more like she’d just like the extra money, not that she has a specific gap to fill.

Anyway....Nah. No household of 2 needs a 5-bed house and if she’s going to run a house that size as any kind of a business, she’d surely have told you? I think she’s a super-CF.

Blessinghearts · 29/09/2020 14:32

Have u borrowed her money before?
It seems like u may of given/borrowed her money before but a small amount hence why she asked for such a big amount .if she was a decent person she would not of asked in the first place when u tell her no she should understand but mind u she should of fully understand not to ask full stop she sounds selfish inconsiderate and stupid theses are hard times where living she needs to get her own money

Alxandra · 29/09/2020 14:39

Really, the size of the house she buys is none of your business. She has requested a loan from you, and you can either lend money to her or not. The choice is yours of course, but why question what size house she wants to buy. It’s her life and her choice and she has every right to ask her brother for help. Just like you have every right to turn her down.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 29/09/2020 14:44

What a cheeky mare she is.

I'm glad that you plan to refuse - I hope that your DH can stand firm on that. She does not need a 5bed house unless she plans to take in 3 lodgers to help fund the repayment of the loan, a VERY dodgy prospect with a child in the house!

Nah, fuckit - she needs to find a more appropriately priced house that she CAN afford.

In her place I'd be mortified to be even considering doing what she's doing - guess she has no shame though.

Liveandforget · 29/09/2020 14:44

Isn't the only reasonable response to this sort of request a loud snort of derision?

CakeRequired · 29/09/2020 14:45

Really, the size of the house she buys is none of your business. She has requested a loan from you, and you can either lend money to her or not. The choice is yours of course, but why question what size house she wants to buy. It’s her life and her choice and she has every right to ask her brother for help. Just like you have every right to turn her down.

It is when she's asking a family who don't even have a 5 bedroom house themselves and she wants them to help pay for her house. If she wants it, she can buy it herself, not be a cf and ask her brother to because she's too lazy. Hmm

Ladybadge · 29/09/2020 15:07

How many people have been burnt by lending money to friends or relatives, only to never get it back as the “borrower” looks upon the loan as a “lucky windfall” and then gets upset with you when you ask for it back?

I have and it sucks!

diddl · 29/09/2020 15:08

Am also curious as to why your husband hasn't told her no & to buy what she can afford.