AIBU - When do you expect your almost 17 year old's to be home by?

[mbosnz]

Do you require them to be home by dark?

I've just realised that I was a weird kid with weird rules, and I'm possibly being unreasonable.

If not, when do you ask them to be home by?

Talking weeknights, sensible, mature, responsible kid, good friends, no alcohol issues or drugs. Reasonably good area, although like everywhere, it has its issues at times.

Help a mother out!!!!

No 'curfew' once in 6th Form, but an expectation that I would be kept informed of their plans, and any changes - staying over etc. We have a key safe, so they could let themselves in if we'd gone to bed. I gradually stopped lying awake waiting for the key in the door! I also let them know that if they were ever in trouble, uncomfortable or wanted to be picked up, they should call me regardless of the time. They've generally been pretty good!

This is all very useful.

Those of you with no curfew at all- how do your kids get home?
Do you just make sure you don't drink every night so when they need collecting at all hours you're sober? Or do you pay for taxis?

I don't drive (visual impairment) and dh had a very long commute in those days, getting up at 5 to go to work, so dc just knew that this was another thing they had to plan for: if I want to go to this party, how am I going to get home? Lifts have never been on tap in this household.

They always knew they could ring in an emergency, but they also knew that this didn't preclude planning in advance, seeing if they had the taxi money, checking the bus times (we live in a city where there are some buses of not London standards), making sure if they needed a lift that it wouldn't be too much of an inconvenience. In short, behaving like adults when they made their plans.

For ds, the plan often involved very long walks- he is a big strong lad and there is not a lot of knife crime where we live. This was the lad who missed his school bus on the first day in Sixth Form and walked back from a different town- took him the best part of 4 hours but it wouldn't have occurred to him to ring us at work and inconvenience us.

It also helped that dh and I are not heavy drinkers by MN standards so not drinking on the one night a week a dc might be out didn't seem a horrendous sacrifice. I rather liked the idea of them enjoying themselves- particularly dd who had lost a lot of her earlier teens to illness. If dh and I were at home anyway, we could have just as pleasant a time talking and watching a film without alcohol.

Dc didn't go out partying every night- they couldn't have afforded the alcohol, let alone the taxi fares. Money wasn't desperately tight when they were teens but tight enough that they knew everything had to be planned for.

Once they got to 18, I had no difficulty just falling asleep when they were out. Ds is 20 and still lives at home- he is a night owl who goes to the gym at midnight to avoid the crowds, I'd be permanently sleep deprived waiting up for him.

But we absolutely expected them to be polite about things like letting us know when they'd not be home for dinner.

But yes, want to stress that dc always knew they could call us in an emergency and dh would come. If need be, if he hadn't been able to, then someone would have come in a taxi.

We lived for many years without a car and with a disabled child, so we're used to the idea of just sorting things out.

Home on the last bus, (which is roughly 11ish) if she's going to a party then whenever but let us know early ish if you're not coming home

Between 8 / 9 on a school night.
The weekends I wouldn't mind them out later as long as I knew their friends are good people.

Those of you with no curfew at all- how do your kids get home?
Do you just make sure you don't drink every night so when they need collecting at all hours you're sober? Or do you pay for taxis?

At 17 I would expect this to be their responsibility, pre arrange getting home, call in emergency, if you can't afford to go out (incl cab home) then you don't go. These are practically adults you are talking about. If you baby your kids as younger teens then they will not be capable of doing this at 17 however.

Most teens are not out partying every night, they will go out when they want and in between college work etc. By that stage it is their responsibility to ensure they know their schedule, how much sleep they need, what their homework is, going to work also in between college.

I am really astonished by some of these responses on here but then again there was a thread recently where MNetters had set bedtimes for their 18 yos who lived at home so maybe i shouldn't be surprised.

Have to say I agree with WitchesNStuff

We live rurally so my DDs were expected to either ask and arrange a lift in advance, arrange to stay somewhere or get a (very expensive) taxi home if they were going to be out late. It is good training for uni/adulthood!

Mine just used to get a taxi home, the same as I did.
I never collected them, I was usually snoring in bed by the time they got home in the early hours.

I'm just thinking back and I had an odd setup as a teenager. I was normally in after college by about 6pm Monday-Thursday, because I went to college 20 minutes away rather than school so my friends weren't local, but left on Friday night to stay at my best friend's, went to work, went to my boyfriend's and got home Sunday mid-afternoon. So I guess at that age maybe 10.30pm would have been fine if I came home, but I usually didn't!

Never had a curfew. They manage their own time keeping. Before dark is ridiculous- are they vampires? . Who does that?

Bouledeneige - its crazy eh! On MN 17/18/19 yos also have their phones removed before bed though.

I'm 27 so only 10 years ago was I 17. I didn't have a time to be home by, I kept in touch and was sensible and used common sense. If I was coming home late I would have my keys and be quiet.

In the winter, I wouldn't have been home from school by dark most days!

At that age I just needed to know where they were. Remember worrying a lot if they were very late as this was pre mobile phones. I envy parents of today who can contact and even trace where the children are.

DS is in Lower 6. He doesn't tend to go out in the evening, unless it's a party or at a friend's. Most parties round here finish by 11.30pm, and parents pick up.

He's around 45 mins walk away from most of his friends. Year 11, first big drinky party he went to I said I'd pick up at 11.15pm, rather than him walk on his own. It's a good area, I walk all the time, but it was the distance I was worried about.

By the time we'd driven home, his friends were calling him to say that literally just after he'd left, two boys attacked another boy (outside the party, by the tube station).

The boy was stabbed, lots of blood, nearly died. Another boy saved his life by stopping the bleeding. Victim was in hospital for weeks. These were all boys in his class.

It put the fear of God into his whole year group. They had counsellors in school etc, and pretty much all parents collect from parties now.

@WitchesNStuff
I said similar early on, the ideas I see in MN are ludicrous, this is why we see all
these wee darlings struggling at uni, they’ve never had to make a decision and have as their whole life controlled by mummy dearest, yes they need boundaries but some of this nonsense is infantilising them into adulthood.

Totally @SBTLove I had a lot of freedom but as a result was always open and honest with my parents, always told them what I was up to and was courteous in letting them know if I'd be home or not as they worried.

Admittedly I have a 14 yo not a 17 yo but even he doesnt have the restrictions some 17 yos do on here. I am hoping he'll be as sensible and thoughtful as he grows up but only time will tell and unfortunately he'll have to make some mistakes all by himself to learn!

At 15 I picked mine up from parties as I wanted to know they weren’t too pissed and could get home safely. By 17 they were getting Uber’s and I was in bed, but I suppose it depends where you live.

When I was 17 I didn't have to be home until midnight (on weekends) unless I phoned ro say I'd be later.
I was thinking I'd probably do the same when my children are the same age but now I'm wondering if that's too lenient.

Rosebel, definitely not too lenient. 17 yos really shouldn't have curfews but for them to tell you whether they are coming home later than you are expecting them is essential IMO.

My oldest is 13 but has quite a bit of freedom.. he has to be home around 8/ 8.30 and this will increase as he gets older as long as his school work is done etc.
Children need to develop independence as another poster said they don't suddenly turn into sensible, responsible and productive adults at 18 if they haven't gradually been given more and more freedom and the chance to make mistakes and their own choices.
They could drive a car at 17. Move out and get married ( with permission at 16)
A lot go to uni at 18

It depends on the DC too. We were street smart I left school for work by 16 we came and went independently as teens.
My DD is very quiet and shy she will need more care and structure at 16.

I didn't have a curfew from around 15yo. I would not expect my lo to have one at 17.
Unless taking the piss and coming back at 3 am every day of the week at 17 I expect them to be able to manage their own time.