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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU - When do you expect your almost 17 year old's to be home by?

143 replies

mbosnz · 28/09/2020 15:38

Do you require them to be home by dark?

I've just realised that I was a weird kid with weird rules, and I'm possibly being unreasonable.

If not, when do you ask them to be home by?

Talking weeknights, sensible, mature, responsible kid, good friends, no alcohol issues or drugs. Reasonably good area, although like everywhere, it has its issues at times.

Help a mother out!!!! Grin

OP posts:
bigTillyMint · 28/09/2020 16:07

Mine are at uni now but never had a curfew.

They absolutely had to stay contactable at all times, answer the phone/texts and let us know if they were staying over at friends.

They still do this when they are home Smile

Spreadingcomfrey · 28/09/2020 16:09

School nights/term time between 9.30-10.30pm, especially if she needs collecting.

Weekends she'll let us know by 11 pm-ish if she is staying over with friends that we know (in normal times that is).

Scweltish · 28/09/2020 16:09

Had my own flat by then. Used to do an evening shift for haven holidays which ended around 2am, I’d get in around 3am. You need to loosen your apron strings op. My 8 & 12 year old girls are out playing in the next street until 8/8.30pm on school nights.

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 28/09/2020 16:10

At 17 I had to be in by 11.30 and I considered that being on a tight leash. My friends didn't really have a time to be in.

Original poster
mbosnz · 28/09/2020 16:11

You are all so very right! I was caught on the hop, so to speak, and just reacted, rather than thinking about it.

I wish so much that I had more freedom and got more life experience as a result, as a teenager, my life would have been very different, as I wouldn't have gone completely off the rails when I went to uni', bombing out of my degree as a result.

Thank you so much for the collective wisdom here.

I've gone and talked with her, and we have reviewed expectations and behaviours. So, contactable at all times, let us know if you're not coming home, if you're going to be later than stated, let us know, so your neurotic mother doesn't come out with a torch and a bloodhound. . . times are negotiable, dependent upon school and other commitments.

Sound reasonable?

OP posts:
Original poster
mbosnz · 28/09/2020 16:12

To clarify, let us know if you're not coming home from school before going out.

OP posts:
Pickypolly · 28/09/2020 16:14

My 17 year old has to be home by 12mn at weekends, 10pm in the week.

Has a moped so no alcohol etc, drives himself there & back.

Luckily rarely goes out, has a full on job so had to be up by 5.45 every morning for work so too knackered to even think about it.

Nimello · 28/09/2020 16:16

No set curfew for mine. With the 16 yr old, I judge each case on its own merits, on the whole.

18 yr old can come and go as he pleases. The only 'rules' are: not to wake anyone else up by crashing around at 3AM when other people have to be up at 6 for work/school; lock up the house properly when you come in; don't walk home alone (walk with friends, or get a cab); and brush your teeth, however drunk you are.

Kolsch · 28/09/2020 16:19

Mine didn't have a curfew at that age.
They were out pubbing and clubbing every weekend, like I was at that age.

gabsdot45 · 28/09/2020 16:20

Depends where he is. I don't want him roaming the streets after dark but if he's at a friends house or at the shopping centre or cinema then obviously he can come home later.
He has to be home at 9.30 on school nights and 11 at the weekend

lyralalala · 28/09/2020 16:44

@mbosnz

You are all so very right! I was caught on the hop, so to speak, and just reacted, rather than thinking about it.

I wish so much that I had more freedom and got more life experience as a result, as a teenager, my life would have been very different, as I wouldn't have gone completely off the rails when I went to uni', bombing out of my degree as a result.

Thank you so much for the collective wisdom here.

I've gone and talked with her, and we have reviewed expectations and behaviours. So, contactable at all times, let us know if you're not coming home, if you're going to be later than stated, let us know, so your neurotic mother doesn't come out with a torch and a bloodhound. . . times are negotiable, dependent upon school and other commitments.

Sound reasonable?

Sounds reasonable.

One of the best bits of advice MIL gave me was "If it's not going to kill them then don't be afraid of letting them make a few bad choices".

She was totally right. A couple of miserable early mornings getting up for school sorted the late bedtime issue far, far quicker than any nagging I would have done.

They have to be able to cope with making all their life choices when they go off to uni.

ItWasntMyFault · 28/09/2020 16:50

No curfew for my almost 17 yr old but he needs to tell me who he's out with and be contactable if necessary.
He has to be up by 6 am so as long as he can do that, there's no issue.

Marylou2 · 28/09/2020 16:52

@Threeisnotacrowd

By Dark? In a few weeks that will be about 5pm?

At 16 they come hone (or not) when they want to

Really? At 16? I must be behind the times. And I fully intend to stay there Shock
maddiemookins16mum · 28/09/2020 16:56

DD is 16, I like her home by 10.pm (unless I’m collecting her and it can be 11pm). But mainly because I want to get in bed.

luanmapo · 28/09/2020 17:01

My son is 17, he is sensible and always has been, he can come home whenever he likes of an evening because I trust him. He works and pays for a taxi if he wants to stay out late. Getting a driving test at the moment seems to be hard work and a long time off!
My daughter who is 15 and a completely different kettle of fish.... well she has to be back by 9 latest. She makes bad decisions around everything, is easily influenced by the “wrong crowd” so I like to know she is home, safe and then I know I can sleep
Soundly at night.
Every child is different, but at 17 it’s kinda up to them IMO, although to be respectful of others in the house.

corythatwas · 28/09/2020 17:07

One thing I found very useful when raising my own teens was remembering how my father once told me that turning 18 hadn't come as a sudden shock to him because his widowed mother had gradually treated him as more and more of an adult so that process was already complete by the time it was officially. And I realised that was also how I had been raised, that even though I hadn't quite seen it at the time, the years between 14 and 18 had been a gradual training in independence until leaving home and moving 4 hours away to a big city didn't actually feel like that much of a big deal.

So I tried to do the same for them: make sure that by the time they hit their 18th birthday they were ready to think of themselves as adults.

BadTattoosAndSmellLikeBooze · 28/09/2020 17:14

So, contactable at all times, let us know if you're not coming home, if you're going to be later than stated, let us know, so your neurotic mother doesn't come out with a torch and a bloodhound. . . times are negotiable, dependent upon school and other commitments.

Sounds good to me. Sunday to Thursday when my son has college the next day I do expect him in at a reasonable time so that he gets enough sleep as he has to be up early. Friday and Saturday nights, as long as he lets me know so I don’t have to worry then I leave him to it. As long as A level work is done that is.

CutCopyPastedLikeYou · 28/09/2020 17:25

No curfew. Just have to let me have a guesstimate of when they'll be home.

Soopermum1 · 28/09/2020 18:29

11.30 at weekends. I can't sleep knowing he's not home and safe, so it's based on my needs really

user1487194234 · 28/09/2020 18:31

At 17 ? No deadline

VickySunshine · 28/09/2020 18:49

16 yr twins, boy and girl. School night in by 6.30 , no arguing. Weekends depends what they have in mind , I don't mind volunteering their father to pick them up , either way I need to know where they are. Not that I'm gonna check-up on them but I they need to know that am The Big Cheese and their phones will be going under the wheels of the Land Rover if they want to start playing the raw prawn. That said , they are good kids and I do trust them, I just worry about keeping them safe. And I was their age once so I know what goes on.

Bunnybigears · 28/09/2020 18:53

Wow my 13 year old has to be home by 9! A sensible 16 hear old I would probably say 10:30 on a school/college night.

lyralalala · 28/09/2020 18:56

@VickySunshine

16 yr twins, boy and girl. School night in by 6.30 , no arguing. Weekends depends what they have in mind , I don't mind volunteering their father to pick them up , either way I need to know where they are. Not that I'm gonna check-up on them but I they need to know that am The Big Cheese and their phones will be going under the wheels of the Land Rover if they want to start playing the raw prawn. That said , they are good kids and I do trust them, I just worry about keeping them safe. And I was their age once so I know what goes on.
6.30?

When on earth do they learn to keep themselves safe from the things you know go on if they never experience any of it?

VickySunshine · 28/09/2020 18:57

Gosh, that makes me sound like Nazi. Perhaps I need to review that with their father.

ColdTattyWaitingForSummer · 28/09/2020 18:57

Ds was 18 a few months ago. He never had a curfew, but I did expect him to be considerate. So for example letting me know in advance if he wanted dinner, or texting if he was staying over at a friend’s, so I could lock up before bed. He went on holiday with friends at 17 (probably had a few hair raising adventures!) and just moved out into dorms. I moved out myself at 17.
My parenting style has always been letting them figure things out for themselves, but being a safety net in case they fall. He doesn’t smoke, doesn’t do drugs, albeit does drink, and has a reputation for being grown up and sensible. I do however accept that that could be his personality rather than what I did or didn’t do!