AIBU - When do you expect your almost 17 year old's to be home by?

[mbosnz]

Do you require them to be home by dark?

I've just realised that I was a weird kid with weird rules, and I'm possibly being unreasonable.

If not, when do you ask them to be home by?

Talking weeknights, sensible, mature, responsible kid, good friends, no alcohol issues or drugs. Reasonably good area, although like everywhere, it has its issues at times.

Help a mother out!!!!

@VickySunshine

16 yr twins, boy and girl. School night in by 6.30 , no arguing. Weekends depends what they have in mind , I don't mind volunteering their father to pick them up , either way I need to know where they are. Not that I'm gonna check-up on them but I they need to know that am The Big Cheese and their phones will be going under the wheels of the Land Rover if they want to start playing the raw prawn. That said , they are good kids and I do trust them, I just worry about keeping them safe. And I was their age once so I know what goes on.

I can’t figure out if this is a joke or not?

6:30 - at 16 years old??!!

They don't want to experience what I did, believe me.

Totally depends on what they are doing. My 17yo is often out somewhere I have taken him, but if he is out at the gym, expect him back a couple of hours later (so most likely around 8-9pm); if he is round at a mate's for a birthday, anytime up to about 1am.

If he wants a lift home then I prefer it to be 11pm latest (he and his mates will walk home together otherwise). I will pick him up later but I prefer to be warned!

@VickySunshine

They don't want to experience what I did, believe me.

Undoubtedly not, but they need to learn how to keep themselves safe and how to deal with problems before they go off to uni.

We also can't keep our kids cocooned because bad things happened to us. The temptation is there, I know, but it's not fair on them.

Believe me, despite my unwritten grounding, I managed to get myself into a world of shit. I also know what goes on. I think I would have been a lot better off if I could have talked to my parents, been open with them, been trusted, and given a bit more license, to make my own mistakes, learn from them, and still have Mum and Dad as a back up if shit got serious, no questions asked.

No set time but we do ask that they keep us informed of their plans - ie what time they expect to be back or if they are staying over at friends (and then who/where friends live). But like others, not much going out has gone on for about 6mths!!

DS2 (16) goes out walking with friends for hours. During the holidays we said back by midnight, if he went in a school night it'd be 10.30/11.

And yes, we've said any issue at any time he can call us from wherever he is and we'll be there.

and still have Mum and Dad as a back up if shit got serious, no questions asked.

We also have a secret family emergency word that means one of us will sweep in and perform a daring rescue, no questions asked...

We were the same as CurseryKinkajoo. Let them go but also let them know that they could talk to us about any shit, that we were pretty unshockable (though not without moral standards) and that we'd be there for the daring rescue if required.

I don't have teenagers yet. But at 17 my mum expected to be warned in advance if I was staying out for the night, and otherwise she'd expect me to be in my bed in the morning. Because at 17 I was almost an adult.

At 16 i was out at nightclubs at weekend and at boyfriends during the week, no time to be in for but they knew where i would be and it was my own fault if i was too tired at school next day. Then i got a job and did what i wanted.

No curfew. 17 is too old to be setting curfews.

6.30
Do you mean am

Funny thing is, that DDalmost17 was most insistent about a time. A curfew.

I'm not talking about a curfew. I'm talking about expectations and guidelines about when to be in.

She said, okay, but I want to know a cut-off time for school nights. I asked her what she thought. She suggested a time. I said, yep, sounds good to me. Cut-off time for weekend nights. I asked her what time she thought. Yep, sounded good to me.

But also, have some consideration about the fact that Mum and Dad are not a chauffeur service, weekends, we often like a drink or two, so we need to plan for if you need to get home, or advance warning that you need a ride home, so we can ensure no drinking and driving.

@mbosnz

Funny thing is, that DDalmost17 was most insistent about a time. A curfew.

I'm not talking about a curfew. I'm talking about expectations and guidelines about when to be in.

She said, okay, but I want to know a cut-off time for school nights. I asked her what she thought. She suggested a time. I said, yep, sounds good to me. Cut-off time for weekend nights. I asked her what time she thought. Yep, sounded good to me.

But also, have some consideration about the fact that Mum and Dad are not a chauffeur service, weekends, we often like a drink or two, so we need to plan for if you need to get home, or advance warning that you need a ride home, so we can ensure no drinking and driving.

She probably knows someone whose Mum didn't give them a time, but had a time in their head

One of mine has a best mate whos mum does that a lot. "You decide what is an acceptable time to come home, you're nearly an adult..." Then flips out when they come in at 11pm because she assumed they'd be on the same page as her and would have been home at 9 or 10.

DSS is 17 about to turn 18, we’ve no curfew, weeknights he just has to appreciate we are up early in the morning so he takes that into consideration and is home for about 10/11 latest.

Weekends he just comes home when he wants too if he’s out with friends, we’ve young ones as well so he knows that he has to get a taxi home if at his friends house or walk.

It will range between 11pm and about 2/3am......

She probably knows someone whose Mum didn't give them a time, but had a time in their head

One of mine has a best mate whos mum does that a lot. "You decide what is an acceptable time to come home, you're nearly an adult..." Then flips out when they come in at 11pm because she assumed they'd be on the same page as her and would have been home at 9 or 10.

Oh, you could be right at that!

I sometimes think I'm living in a completely different place from other people.

Seventeen-year-olds out clubbing every weekend?

I expect the members of the household to come home for dinner, unless they have A Thing (eg playing in a concert, cinema trip, meal with friends) communicated to me previously. Dinner is normally about 6:15. I like to know whether they're coming straight home after school or doing something else first.

If they've arranged to go out then I expect to have a vague idea where they are and how long they expect to be (especially if I've offered to pick them up afterwards).

We've never actively set a time, though I suspect I'd take a dim view of regular absences past my bedtime . When S1's friends were having 18th birthday parties they tended to finish about midnight (if in a hall) or be a sleepover (if in a home). Results day drinks he got home about 1am.

It depends if they need a lift off you - if they need a lift then 10pm because to expect you to stay up longer is unreasonable. if not then no curfew - they are 17 not 7.

I had no curfew at 17 but did have to let mum know I was safe and where I was, and if I wanted a lift home it had to be before 9:30/10pm

I waitressed in a pub restaurant at that age and didn't finish work until nearly eleven!

My dc are younger but by the time they leave secondary school I don't expect them to have a curfew at all. You could ask them to let you know when they'll be home as a courtesy.

wow, in by 6.30 at 16! Why?

I assume that means they don't do Guides or Scouts or youth club or anything. Or is an organised later activity Ok?

Blimey at 17 I just used to have to let my mum know where I was. A curfew at 17! Only on mumsnet!

@merryhouse yes! I would also expect to be told if people will not be home for dinner at 7pm. And how on earth do 16/17yos who are students get enough work done if they are out until late on weeknights? I have a nearly teenager, and this thread has totally blown my mind. Having said that, I also had terribly strict parents and I think I will need to carefully consider my approach so that I am not also too strict. Thanks again MN!