AIBU - When do you expect your almost 17 year old's to be home by?

[mbosnz]

Do you require them to be home by dark?

I've just realised that I was a weird kid with weird rules, and I'm possibly being unreasonable.

If not, when do you ask them to be home by?

Talking weeknights, sensible, mature, responsible kid, good friends, no alcohol issues or drugs. Reasonably good area, although like everywhere, it has its issues at times.

Help a mother out!!!!

This scares me because my experiences are so not normal. I wasnt allowed out after school at all up til I left sixth form. At weekends i was expected back at 5.30pm. If I had a party or something that was fine but even then if they decided I had to get home then I did.

Its fucked me over in ways I cant begin to explain.

[quote Mincingfuckdragon2]@merryhouse yes! I would also expect to be told if people will not be home for dinner at 7pm. And how on earth do 16/17yos who are students get enough work done if they are out until late on weeknights? I have a nearly teenager, and this thread has totally blown my mind. Having said that, I also had terribly strict parents and I think I will need to carefully consider my approach so that I am not also too strict. Thanks again MN![/quote]
Can only speak for mine (I've got a 20yo and two 18yos who've just gone to uni), but they weren't always out every single night.

DD1 tended to do her homework on two nights of the week and on a Sunday morning. Whereas DD2 tended to do a bit every night. They both went to homework hangout at school so did an hour+ before they even left school.

Mine were very rarely in for dinner. We tended to try and have one night a week when we were all in and we also always have a Sunday lunch together, but between football practise, dancing, swimming and the likes (I've got younger kids as well) dinner is on the table at 6.30pm for whoever is in and on a plate for whoever isn't. As long as I know who is going to be in and who isn't that's the main thing.

@Mincingfuckdragon2
Not every pupil/student needs to study endlessly,my youngest DD15 regulates herself I don’t order study or curfews, weekdays usually in by 10 if she’s out, weekends 11, I do know where she’ll be and we do live in a small semi rural town.
You need to let them organise themselves and learn to manage their time, this is why so many young ppl struggle at uni because mum has always managed and organised them and they struggle to make decisions and regulate themselves.
I have had a good chuckle on here at curfews and home for dinner for 17/18 yr olds.

Those of you with no curfew at all- how do your kids get home?
Do you just make sure you don't drink every night so when they need collecting at all hours you're sober? Or do you pay for taxis?

Or do you all have fab public transport? Our nearest bus stop is nearly 2 miles away and buses stop at 7pm.

@SBTLove DS doesn't have to study constantly, but does have 3 homework's a night, of 45 minutes each- minimum.

We dont have a time in mind so it will depend in the circumstances at the time, i kept my mum informed of what I was up to as a teenager so did not have a curfew my self.

If i said I was doing something I was as there was no way I was going to risk the freedom I was allowed, but I was also a very boring teenager so we will negotiate with ds at the time (he is 13 now)

If they need a lift then pick up 9.30 -10 pm. In the week around 10 ish but with flexibility so let us know when leaving and eta. At the weekend by negotiation dependent on where and what doing - eg friends party leaving at 12 in an uber with another friend and home by 12 fine - let us know if leaving later and being back later etc. At 17 you ought to be giving them a reasonable amount of freedom but also teaching them manners about letting people know where they are and when they are likely to be back....

@poshme
Over 2 hrs of set homework 5 nights per week? That’s a lot!
My DD is sitting her Nat 5s this year/ GCSE equivalent in Scotland and she doesn’t get that volume.

When I was 17 (I'm 22) I had to be home by 6/7pm if I had college the next day, latest if 6pm if it was winter. I moved out when I was 17 and a half so then had no verges at all. I'm my mum and dads eldest though and they were more protective with me. My younger brother (19) was allowed till 8 ish until he was 18, then it was whenever. My 17 year old sister is whenever too but mum likes to know where she is and what time planning on going home.

When mine was 17 she didn’t have a curfew but loved her sleep and was a conscientious student so during the week she was mainly at home. Weekends she was often out late but would always let me know what she was up to. It worked for us.

If however she had been a wilder kid it probably would have been different.

My 16 yr olds have to be in by 10.30, but if they have a part time job they can stay out till 12 for 2 nights a week as I like to match rights and responsibilities. This seems pretty strict by MN standards but I do think teens need some grounding and routine, especially if doing A levels.

@SBTLove really? I thought it sounded about right for year 11.

Is year 11 our S4? fourth year in High School?

Whenever he wants. He's sensible enough to manage his own time.

@poshme

Those of you with no curfew at all- how do your kids get home? Do you just make sure you don't drink every night so when they need collecting at all hours you're sober? Or do you pay for taxis?

Or do you all have fab public transport? Our nearest bus stop is nearly 2 miles away and buses stop at 7pm.

If they need driven home they either organise a lift before they go out (older siblings in our village make a mint from picking up and dropping off) or they get a taxi (they pay for it)

Skate park, youth club and sports centre are in walking distance.

Buses here stop at 8pm other than two night buses (one at 11pm and one at 1am - they cover a factory and the hospital) so they have those options.

I think we might need to rethink allowance money if DS starts being more sociable. If we allow him out late like most of you seem to, it's going to cost a fortune in taxis.
(No Uber here)

@lyralalala thanks.
Nothing is walking distance and no night bus here.
(I grew up very rurally with buses ending at 4 so I think DS is lucky!)

Hoping he'll pass driving test quickly when he gets to 17...

Any time I liked, I lived on my own by that age.

When I lived with other people, the time I'd said I'd be home by unless I had phoned to alter the plan, or at a time that wouldn't disturb others, so not crashing in at 3am waking up the household. Common courtesy sort of stuff.

@poshme There was no night bus option when I was younger, and far fewer taxis, so I think my lot are lucky too.

Tbh one of the things giving them the freedom does is make them organise their time and their money. They can't miss that last bus if they don't want to spend £10 on a cab. It also means that sometime they have to choose between the party on Friday night and the concert on Saturday night because they can't afford to do both.

No curfew, just don't take the piss round here. If it's a school/college/work night, be home in time to get a good nights sleep and don't disturb anyone else.
I do tend to call DS when I go to bed, just so I can settle. If he's going to be late I ask him to text me, in an emergency call me. My phone is set so it accepts calls on sleep mode.

When I was 16 I was going to nightclubs and getting in at 2pm 🤷‍♂️
Not sure what the rules for mine will be, but I doubt they will have a curfew at that age

Curfew for a 17 yo? Are people actually being serious?

I do agree with them having decent manners and letting parents know when they are coming home/not coming home though, just common courtesy when living in a house together.

I should clarify, Ds2 (17yo) is allowed out late, but that doesn't mean he IS out every night!

Most weeknights he does some kind of sport, a lot of these I take him to, ending 7/7.30/8/8.30pm. So we are home by 8/9pm.

He doesn't go out every weekend either. Just that if he wanted to be out, that's OK by me. I guess if it was every night (he's in yr 13) I might have a different view.

But yes, I stand by the fact that at 17 he needs some independence. Buses here are pretty good (run till 11pm) so if he was at the movies he could get home, but he knows I'll fetch him too. Mostly he is round at friends who are maybe 15 - 30 mins' walk away.

He get home from school 3.15 btw (joys of a local school) so plenty of time for HW then.