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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU - Question about marriage and parenting?

118 replies

MummyNeedsWine19 · 28/09/2020 11:29

Hiya, long-time lurker and first-time poster. I really need some advice and to know if I am being totally unreasonable. Sorry if this is long.

DH and I have been together 3 years and have our 18 Month old DS who I love to pieces. Things have been rocky since having our DS - I suffered with PND and we lived with his parents for quite a while after having DS so we had very little time to ourselves and I had very little time alone with DS whilst on mat leave. We've recently moved into our own place and things have just been on a downward spiral ever since.

DH loses his temper with both myself and DS regularly. He will shout in DS's face that he's a 'miserable little dckhead/cnt/whatever else' and 'Can't wait to get away from him'. The other day DS was crying as we approached naptime (he does this when he's tired) so I decided that I would finish what I was doing and give him a cuddle. In the meantime DH is yelling at DS to shut up and that he's sick of listening to him. When I gave him a cuddle I was accused of molly-coddling him and DH said that DS needed disciplining, not cuddling. He's never been particularly helpful with DS (never did a night feed, never gets up with him in the mornings, never changes a nappy). He's currently on furlough and I am working from home full time. His mum ends up having DS most of the time as DH can't cope with him for a whole day and DH's mum 'know's what he's like'.

When me and DH argue he regularly throws in my face that all I care about is DS and not him. He tells me I'm a miserable boring c*nt and I'm embarrassing. He says he's unhappy and bored with life and it's all my fault. I'm regularly accused of 'being snakey' and texting/messaging other people. Now I'm not claiming to be perfect as I'm far from it - I am stubborn and can hold a grudge for days and, yes, I have my fair share of off-days. DH seems to be under the impression that he can apologise and tell me that the didn't mean it and that everything should be fine between us but I just can't do that after some of the things he says? AIBU? Should I just forgive and forget? What's 'normal' in these situations?

I hate the way he is with DS some times and when I tell him he accuses me of taking over, tells me that DS is his son too and he will do what he wants.

What is right and wrong here? He's told me that I need to change my ways but I've lost all perspective recently, I just don't know.

OP posts:
1990shopefulftm · 28/09/2020 11:33

Does your DH have any redeeming behaviour? shouting at a toddler over something they don't understand really isn't a good sign and being brutally honest it sounds like you'd be better off without him.

ShebaShimmyShake · 28/09/2020 11:34

He's horrible, disengaged, needs to be top dog all the time even with a tiny child and he's abusing you both. Shit husband and shit father.

beautifulmonument · 28/09/2020 11:34

YABU to stay with him.
He's abusing you and your baby.

Coriandersucks · 28/09/2020 11:36

Please get yourselves as far away from that man as possible - he isn’t going to change and it won’t be long before you son starts to remember these little encounters with daddy.

MotherWol · 28/09/2020 11:37

This is not normal. You don’t have to accept this abuse. Please, for your son’s sake, and for your own, end this relationship before he escalates from verbal to physical abuse.

MostlyAmbridgeandcoffee · 28/09/2020 11:38

I would want to get my DS away from that influence as fast as possible ... he sounds like he is abusing you both and you may need some help to see things clearly. Can you rely on your family here to help you ?

AnneLovesGilbert · 28/09/2020 11:39

You have to get your son away from his ASAP. Are you parents around? Do you rent or own?

The way he’s talking to your child is absolutely shocking. I couldn’t look at my husband if he shouted at our 18 month old or called her cunt, never mind live with him or stay married. It’s disgusting and so so abusive.

billy1966 · 28/09/2020 11:39

This is NOT normal.

He is abusing you and your son.
He needs to go.

Protect yourself and that poor child.

Flowers
Ohtherewearethen · 28/09/2020 11:39

If anybody screamed in my baby's face and called them a cunt it'd be the last thing they'd do.
How you can think this is in any way acceptable is beyond me. Your child only has you to protect him and you need to do that by getting him away from his abusive father.

FourPlasticRings · 28/09/2020 11:41

Good Lord. Leave the man. Better, call childline or the NSPCC and share your concerns. They should tell you he's emotionally abusing your young son and that way there's a trail to back up that there's abuse. Then leave in light of that conversation. Otherwise you may end up shipping DS off for unsupervised contact with his abusive dad.

justilou1 · 28/09/2020 11:43

Why the fuck are you with him?

thepeopleversuswork · 28/09/2020 11:43

What is right and wrong here? He's told me that I need to change my ways but I've lost all perspective recently, I just don't know

I'm going to be blunt: nothing is right about this picture. You don't need to change your ways, you need to leave this abusive piece of shit.

You owe it to your child to leave him. How are you going to go about doing this? Is there anywhere you can go in the short term?

Lantern156 · 28/09/2020 11:43

I am so distressed at the thought of your husband screaming abuse at an 18 month old. Your poor baby must spend his life frightened and anxious about his dad. And it’s only going to get worse.

You have to leave, OP. You have got to protect your child. Nothing else, ever, can be more of a priority than that.

seayork2020 · 28/09/2020 11:44

Op if you read this op as in it was another poster posting it

What would you say to them?

Leave!

Shoxfordian · 28/09/2020 11:46

He's abusive and unkind to you both
Why stay? Seriously?

boymum9 · 28/09/2020 11:48

Leave, this makes me so sad for you both. It's difficult, I left my exh and have two young ds's, it was (and still is) worth all the pain and upheaval, you will realise just how strong you are

TokyoSushi · 28/09/2020 11:48

Wow. You need to leave this man. He's abusive, Your poor little DS.

Oldbutstillgotit · 28/09/2020 11:49

He screams at a baby , calls him and you cunts and you need to change your ways ??
I don’t usually leap to LTB but you really need to get away from this person.
My DD was in an abusive relationship and we found WA to be excellent . Also the police were fantastic .
I hope your parents / siblings/ friends can help you . Good luck 💐

AlwaysCheddar · 28/09/2020 11:50

Omg!! This is all so wrong. Either kick him out NOW or leave. So abusive. He’s vile.

ComicePear · 28/09/2020 11:54

This is awful OP Sad

Nottherealslimshady · 28/09/2020 11:54

He's horrible and abusive to you and your son. Screaming at an 18mo baby? In what world is that acceptable?! Get your kid far away from him before he turns to even worse forms of "discipline".

unmarkedbythat · 28/09/2020 11:58

This is abuse.

Abusers generally escalate.

Even if you were happy to accept this treatment for yourself (don't be. It's not OK. Not even close) why would you be happy to accept it for your son?

Effitall · 28/09/2020 12:00

Would you think this was acceptable of it was your son doing this to his wife and child?

It is abuse.

Notimeforaname · 28/09/2020 12:00

That's so sad and abusive to your little boy .
You must protect your child from that,you cant have him grow up around that. He will become the same type of man.
Get him out now. Abusive prick

Notimeforaname · 28/09/2020 12:01

It's also terribly sad for you too but your job is to keep your child safe first .