AIBU - Question about marriage and parenting?

[MummyNeedsWine19]

Hiya, long-time lurker and first-time poster. I really need some advice and to know if I am being totally unreasonable. Sorry if this is long.

DH and I have been together 3 years and have our 18 Month old DS who I love to pieces. Things have been rocky since having our DS - I suffered with PND and we lived with his parents for quite a while after having DS so we had very little time to ourselves and I had very little time alone with DS whilst on mat leave. We've recently moved into our own place and things have just been on a downward spiral ever since.

DH loses his temper with both myself and DS regularly. He will shout in DS's face that he's a 'miserable little dckhead/cnt/whatever else' and 'Can't wait to get away from him'. The other day DS was crying as we approached naptime (he does this when he's tired) so I decided that I would finish what I was doing and give him a cuddle. In the meantime DH is yelling at DS to shut up and that he's sick of listening to him. When I gave him a cuddle I was accused of molly-coddling him and DH said that DS needed disciplining, not cuddling. He's never been particularly helpful with DS (never did a night feed, never gets up with him in the mornings, never changes a nappy). He's currently on furlough and I am working from home full time. His mum ends up having DS most of the time as DH can't cope with him for a whole day and DH's mum 'know's what he's like'.

When me and DH argue he regularly throws in my face that all I care about is DS and not him. He tells me I'm a miserable boring c*nt and I'm embarrassing. He says he's unhappy and bored with life and it's all my fault. I'm regularly accused of 'being snakey' and texting/messaging other people. Now I'm not claiming to be perfect as I'm far from it - I am stubborn and can hold a grudge for days and, yes, I have my fair share of off-days. DH seems to be under the impression that he can apologise and tell me that the didn't mean it and that everything should be fine between us but I just can't do that after some of the things he says? AIBU? Should I just forgive and forget? What's 'normal' in these situations?

I hate the way he is with DS some times and when I tell him he accuses me of taking over, tells me that DS is his son too and he will do what he wants.

What is right and wrong here? He's told me that I need to change my ways but I've lost all perspective recently, I just don't know.

As others here have said ,You need to make plans to leave this guy .He sounds horrible frankly! Shouting and swearing in a toddlers face is completely unacceptable and amounts to child abuse.The poor little boy must be scared stiff! Domestic Violence helpline will be able to advise you and help you to leave .

I often lurk and rarely reply on threads but I am shocked at this post. What kind of person shouts and swears in a child's face. I actually feel upset reading this.

This man is abusive. You might not be able to see that because perhaps he has eroded your boundaries and confidence and now you are questioning what is normal. This is not normal. This is going to do your beautiful and innocent baby so much harm. I don't think I have ever said this before but please leave this man. You and especially your baby deserve so much better and so many more happy times will await you.

Do you have friends or family who you could talk to? Or who could help you?

Your post really has made me feel upset and I don't know you. Your poor little boy, what a monster your husband is.

The idea of someone shouting at a baby like that makes me feel sick. My husband can be an absolute prick at times but if he ever, ever behaved even slightly like that towards one of our kids he would never lay eyes on any of us again. Please, please get your son away from this vile man

OP
You are in a very dangerous living situation. You need to leave your husband as soon as possible. There is no excuse for the verbal abuse and aggression towards an 18mo toddler. His verbal abuse on you is specifically designed to make you feel guilty for being a good mother and turn you towards joining him in his abuse of your son. Get out.

Having been in an abusive relationship years ago with eldest’ DDs father, I completely get how you can loose your sense of perspective about things you know are horribly wrong. There’s also the worry of ‘will I/can I survive on my own’.

The answer is you can and will. Living your life from row to row, particularly when it involves verbal abuse of DC is no way to live. You don’t want him growing up in an environment where he’s told to believe he’s nothing. Get out ASAP. Yes there will be hassles in terms of finances etc but the sense of peace you’ll gain more than makes up for it. Luckily my ex DP left me but I wish I’d had the courage to make the first move and get out of living in a constant battle zone. Good luck! I’d definitely seek professional legal advice about access too if you do go as it sounds like DH quite honestly would have a very negative impact on DS’ life going forward. You don’t make a child feel like they’re sh*t quite simply.

That’s shocking behaviour.

@SJaneS48

Having been in an abusive relationship years ago with eldest’ DDs father, I completely get how you can loose your sense of perspective about things you know are horribly wrong. There’s also the worry of ‘will I/can I survive on my own’.

The answer is you can and will. Living your life from row to row, particularly when it involves verbal abuse of DC is no way to live. You don’t want him growing up in an environment where he’s told to believe he’s nothing. Get out ASAP. Yes there will be hassles in terms of finances etc but the sense of peace you’ll gain more than makes up for it. Luckily my ex DP left me but I wish I’d had the courage to make the first move and get out of living in a constant battle zone. Good luck! I’d definitely seek professional legal advice about access too if you do go as it sounds like DH quite honestly would have a very negative impact on DS’ life going forward. You don’t make a child feel like they’re sh*t quite simply.

This.

OP if you can't find somewhere to go now you need to call Women's Aid. You need to prioritise getting away from this man over absolutely everything.

I usually think posters are too quick to tell someone to end a relationship on here but in this instance I really think you need to get you and your son away from this man. This isn't normal and if he's like this now I'm scared to imagine what he will be like in 6 months time when your son becomes peak toddler- even the most patient parent gets tested. This man is not fit to be a husband or father, even his own mother know it! You need to leave x

Have you told your mil about the abuse?

Why are you with someone who treats a child in such an abusing way, and you let him!
Leave now

He’s a child abuser and you need to protect your son. Get away from that scumbag

I have a 21-month old DS and the thought of anyone screaming at him and calling him a cunt is incredibly upsetting. Your poor son.

It is abuse. You need to leave this awful man. You and your son are being verbally and emotionally abused. I'm so sorry. Call Women's Aid. Please get out of this situation.

There is nothing acceptable about your situation. Please, please get yourself and your child away while you have the chance. Your husband sounds dangerous.

Another one who usually holds back from commenting on stuff like this, but honestly this stuff is WAY WAY WAY over the line. Leave him now. This is horrible, abusive behaviour and you will be far far better off without him. As will your lovely kid, who really doesn’t deserve this. Good luck and stay strong.

Why are you allowing him to abuse your son (and you) ?? YABU to let this continue.

If anyone spoke to my child like that you’d not see me or the child for dust.

What’s it going to take for you to realise this is child abuse?

OP you cannot allow this man to abuse your child. End of. Therefore you and the child must leave this living arrangement.

I am sorry that you find yourself in this situation. I am also very concerned that you have lost perspective completely and need to ask whether this behaviour is OK. This is what happens when you are sucked into a situation gradually and cannot be objective any more. This will only get worse; and you will question yourself more as time goes by and wonder if you do need to "change your ways" - it is insidious and frightening.

I think the objective assessment from this thread is very clear indeed. He is not fit to be a partner nor a parent, and you owe it to yourself and your child to find a way out of this. Do you have someone you can go to?

Screaming & swearing at a young child is completely unacceptable - this is not how normal people behave. You need to get out now. For yourself & your son. I could cry at the very thought of someone shouting in the face of a baby like that.

Also if your family or friends are witnessing this and not calling police/social services, shame on them. You’ll run into somebody some day who will, and you are risking your future with your child for this man.

Sorry if that sounds cruel, but the stakes are high for you and for this poor child.

You need to get about before he kills the both of you. Your son, especially, is in danger.

If there's any part of you that thinks this is normal or that this is what everyone's life is like behind closed doors, let this thread assure you it is not.

Contact Women's Aid, who should be able to advise you on protecting yourselves, as well as the police. It would be wise that they disallow contact, though I don't know how easy this is to achieve. It could be that your partner does not bother to fight for contact, but abusers will often escalate in order to save face. The police can offer guidance as to how to stay safe.

He shouts in your baby's face? Poor little mite, that's child abuse and, even at this young age, could impact him psychologically for the rest of his life. The longer your stay with your H, the greater the chance of permanent damage to your DS.

You have to leave him, and soon.

I’m not a parent myself, and am always wary of urging people to leave relationships when you can’t possibly fully understand the full context from an online post. But if your husband is shouting and swearing in the face of your toddler then the context doesn’t matter. Get out, for your child’s sake, if not your own.

This is so upsetting.

Get your child and yourself away from this abuser.

I agree with PPs, OP. One question, did he shout at your DC and you in front of his parents when you were staying with them? If so, how did they react? I suspect not but I suppose its not impossible he did which might explain why he thinks it's acceptable to behave like a monster.

Good luck in protecting your DC and you too.