AIBU - Question about marriage and parenting?

[MummyNeedsWine19]

Hiya, long-time lurker and first-time poster. I really need some advice and to know if I am being totally unreasonable. Sorry if this is long.

DH and I have been together 3 years and have our 18 Month old DS who I love to pieces. Things have been rocky since having our DS - I suffered with PND and we lived with his parents for quite a while after having DS so we had very little time to ourselves and I had very little time alone with DS whilst on mat leave. We've recently moved into our own place and things have just been on a downward spiral ever since.

DH loses his temper with both myself and DS regularly. He will shout in DS's face that he's a 'miserable little dckhead/cnt/whatever else' and 'Can't wait to get away from him'. The other day DS was crying as we approached naptime (he does this when he's tired) so I decided that I would finish what I was doing and give him a cuddle. In the meantime DH is yelling at DS to shut up and that he's sick of listening to him. When I gave him a cuddle I was accused of molly-coddling him and DH said that DS needed disciplining, not cuddling. He's never been particularly helpful with DS (never did a night feed, never gets up with him in the mornings, never changes a nappy). He's currently on furlough and I am working from home full time. His mum ends up having DS most of the time as DH can't cope with him for a whole day and DH's mum 'know's what he's like'.

When me and DH argue he regularly throws in my face that all I care about is DS and not him. He tells me I'm a miserable boring c*nt and I'm embarrassing. He says he's unhappy and bored with life and it's all my fault. I'm regularly accused of 'being snakey' and texting/messaging other people. Now I'm not claiming to be perfect as I'm far from it - I am stubborn and can hold a grudge for days and, yes, I have my fair share of off-days. DH seems to be under the impression that he can apologise and tell me that the didn't mean it and that everything should be fine between us but I just can't do that after some of the things he says? AIBU? Should I just forgive and forget? What's 'normal' in these situations?

I hate the way he is with DS some times and when I tell him he accuses me of taking over, tells me that DS is his son too and he will do what he wants.

What is right and wrong here? He's told me that I need to change my ways but I've lost all perspective recently, I just don't know.

This is beyond the realms of a decent, safe person who is stressed and occasionally snaps. This pattern of behaviour shouldn’t be something that you and your child have to put up with. Please leave-I think that you and your child would be much happier and safer. X

Your husband is emotionally abusing your son and you need to get him out of that environment

Do you really not know what is right and wrong here?

Babies crying when they are tired is normal. I accept the noise can be ear-piercing but your husband calling your child those names is not acceptable behaviour. I wouldn't tolerate that language directed at myself let alone at an innocent child.

He is abusive towards both of you and the best thing you can do is either leave him or get him to leave. You have a responsibility towards your child to set a good example. Do you want them to grow up and abuse others in the same way because that is what they will learn in that environment?

Your MIL knows what her son is like? She should be ashamed of herself for her poor parenting too. I wouldn't leave my child in her care then either.

He sounds absolutely awful. Your "D"H, not your son. Poor kiddie...

Your DH is appalling

But you know what OP, allowing this thug to be in the vicinity of your son.... not covering yourself in glory either.

I've lost all perspective recently, I just don't know

This is very worrying, OP, in terms of how able you are to safeguard your child.

Contact Women's Aid or a local charity that supports people living with domestic abuse. They will help you to see what is going on and move forward safely.

You need to end your marriage.. You need to keep a diary short term while you make plans. Give the diary to a solicitor.. Your ds needs protection from your dh. Your ds won't resent you for leaving hsi df but may in time resent you if you stay.

You need to protect your child, you need to prioritise your child!

Get away from him. How is your child going to feel growing up with a father screaming in his face? Your child is a lovely innocent toddler who cannot defend themself.

Please please leave as soon as it is safe to do so- this man will be doing untold harm to your poor sweet boy.

This is emotional abuse.

Your poor little boy. Reading this made me so uncomfortable. That baby must be terrified of his dad screaming in his face and calling him names. He's only little. I would be outta there on the first train

He is abusing you and your baby.

You need to protect your baby from this man.

He's a dangerous, abusive arsehole and will damage your child long term.

You need to safely make your plans and end this relationship.

There's nothing to work on and no hope for dealing with this kind of oxygen thief who will never accept responsibility for his actions and faults.

Omg this is so sad

He’s shouting at a baby! And 18 month old does not need disciplining. Your poor baby boy.

Please reconsider this relationship. Your H is horrible.

And btw people who cheat/are cheating themselves often throw baseless accusations at their partner to deflect their own behaviour

OP you are neglecting your son.

Sorry but that is the way I see it- you are allowing this abuse- and therefore complicit in the treatment.

I appreciate that you are also a victim here, but your son is even more powerless than you in the situation.
If he doesn't have you to stand up for him who does he have?

He shouts cunt at your 18 month old? And similar to you.

Leave him.

What are your circumstances? Can you move out with ds?

Speaking to you son the way he does - he couldn't be making himself clearer to you that he is a nasty piece of work and you need to get shot of him. It's appalling. Make no excuses for him. Your poor, innocent son needs protection from him.

@ShebaShimmyShake

He's horrible, disengaged, needs to be top dog all the time even with a tiny child and he's abusing you both. Shit husband and shit father.

This with bells on. Would you let anyone else call you and your son names like this?

Child abusers are the scum of the earth. Making your baby live in an abusive environment will be causing lifelong damage to him. Is there anyone your kid can stay with, until you leave the child abuser?

The abusers words are irrelevant, ‘but he said’-no, you don’t even have to tell him you’re leaving, simply instruct a solicitor to unshackle yourself from the scum and communicate by email only, about contact with his victim. If you had reported any of the terrorising your baby to the police, this would have helped towards getting supervised contact.

‘OP you are neglecting your son.

Sorry but that is the way I see it- you are allowing this abuse- and therefore complicit in the treatment.’

Sorry but that is I think a bit harsh @speakout - if you are in an emotionally abusive relationship, up can seem like down and what’s clear from the outside isn’t always from the inside when you’ve been worked on. The OP sounds broken down and very fragile to me, she’s seeking advice and help not criticism. A big part of her obviously knows this is wrong though otherwise she wouldn’t have written it. What she needs now is the courage to take a very big life step. Slapping her down (IMO) isn’t going to help her towards that.

Good God that made my blood run cold. Shouting in a toddler’s face? Thinking that a toddler needs disciplining for crying? Horrible and abusive.

And that’s even before the nasty things he has said to you, and the way he has made you doubt yourself.

You need to leave this man ASAP. He is not a good husband or father and doesn’t sound likely to change. Please get your ds away from this abusive man.

Your post has made me so sad for your little boy. I just cannot imagine someone screaming those things at an 18 month old. Please leave this arsehole, if not for you, for your child.

SJaneS48

I completely understand how abuse disempowers.
I too have been in abusive marriage, beaten raped- it took years and an enormous amount of courage to leave.

However- there is a child in this whole situation.
As tragic as the OPs situation is- that child's position must be paramount.
If the child came to any physical harm questions would be asked as to why the OP allowed this to happen- especially with this history.
That is a sad fact.
The bottom line is that a child is being abused- and no one is taking steps to stop it.

Are you ok OP? It must be a shock reading these things. But we all care about your welfare and the wellbeing of your family too

Its ok to keep talking, this is all anonymous.

Classic signs of an abusive relationship. It will get worse not better. Then will come a slap by accident at first followed by you deserved it. Get out now before it's too late. Your child does not need a toxic father your child needs love. At 18 months to shout in a child's face is disgusting. Your heading for terrible twos. I can see your husband lashing out at the child very soon. I wouldn't leave him with my baby and I wouldn't want my child growing up with that constantly from the father that should be a role model.