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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU - Question about marriage and parenting?

118 replies

MummyNeedsWine19 · 28/09/2020 11:29

Hiya, long-time lurker and first-time poster. I really need some advice and to know if I am being totally unreasonable. Sorry if this is long.

DH and I have been together 3 years and have our 18 Month old DS who I love to pieces. Things have been rocky since having our DS - I suffered with PND and we lived with his parents for quite a while after having DS so we had very little time to ourselves and I had very little time alone with DS whilst on mat leave. We've recently moved into our own place and things have just been on a downward spiral ever since.

DH loses his temper with both myself and DS regularly. He will shout in DS's face that he's a 'miserable little dckhead/cnt/whatever else' and 'Can't wait to get away from him'. The other day DS was crying as we approached naptime (he does this when he's tired) so I decided that I would finish what I was doing and give him a cuddle. In the meantime DH is yelling at DS to shut up and that he's sick of listening to him. When I gave him a cuddle I was accused of molly-coddling him and DH said that DS needed disciplining, not cuddling. He's never been particularly helpful with DS (never did a night feed, never gets up with him in the mornings, never changes a nappy). He's currently on furlough and I am working from home full time. His mum ends up having DS most of the time as DH can't cope with him for a whole day and DH's mum 'know's what he's like'.

When me and DH argue he regularly throws in my face that all I care about is DS and not him. He tells me I'm a miserable boring c*nt and I'm embarrassing. He says he's unhappy and bored with life and it's all my fault. I'm regularly accused of 'being snakey' and texting/messaging other people. Now I'm not claiming to be perfect as I'm far from it - I am stubborn and can hold a grudge for days and, yes, I have my fair share of off-days. DH seems to be under the impression that he can apologise and tell me that the didn't mean it and that everything should be fine between us but I just can't do that after some of the things he says? AIBU? Should I just forgive and forget? What's 'normal' in these situations?

I hate the way he is with DS some times and when I tell him he accuses me of taking over, tells me that DS is his son too and he will do what he wants.

What is right and wrong here? He's told me that I need to change my ways but I've lost all perspective recently, I just don't know.

OP posts:
Original poster
MummyNeedsWine19 · 28/09/2020 15:11

Hi everyone, thank you for all of your replies.

It's hard to hear but I know in the back of my mind what is the right thing, I just haven't quite built up the courage to do it. I've no savings so I can't just up and leave but I do have my parents I can stay with.

He's alienated me from a lot of friends and prevented me from making new ones, so I'm very worried about leaving and having no-one. I guess I'm worried about being lonely.

It's so hard for me because when the relationship started things were great but looking back on it there were a lot of red flags that I chose to ignore.

Sorry everyone, I really have no-one else to talk to right now but you've all really helped me Flowers Sad

OP posts:
AGoatAteIt · 28/09/2020 15:17

Your husband is abusive. He needs to leave or you and your son do for your sake and your poor little boy.

billy1966 · 28/09/2020 15:21

OP,
It reads like you were with him 9 months and then got pregnant....???

That's NOT knowing someone.

Stop worrying about being lonely.
Go to your parents.
Protect that little baby who must be terrified at that nasty bully screaming at him.

Get away from him.Flowers

AfterSchoolWorry · 28/09/2020 15:22

Your friends will come back love.

Go to your parents. Don't wait, you urgently need to get your little boy away from him.

MyOwnSummer · 28/09/2020 15:29

That's so sad for the poor kid. Shouting at him isn't going to achieve anything at all, he is just too young to understand.

Please protect him and GTF out of there. Now.

Womencanlift · 28/09/2020 15:34

OP what is worse, being lonely or being abused?

Jellycatspyjamas · 28/09/2020 15:44

Sorry doesn’t mean anything without a change in behaviour. Alienating you from friends isolated you from people who would support you and possibly identify his behaviour as abusive - and he is abusive to you and your child. What you do with that knowledge is your decision but it won’t get better and may well escalate. How bad does it need to be? If you have parents who will help and support you I’d start talking to them about what’s going on - get a second opinion from people who know you both and who can offer practical help and advice.

DragonPie · 28/09/2020 16:19

Being lonely is not worse than being abused. Being lonely is not worse than what your child is experiencing right now. What if they grow up wondering why you never left the situation?

Get in contact with your old friends, you’ll also make new ones.

AnneLovesGilbert · 28/09/2020 16:33

Your son won’t suffer because you have to stay with your parents, are skint for a bit, or lovely. He’s suffering every day he’s stuck living with a man who screams in his little face and calls him disgusting names. Leaving is always difficult but your baby literally only has you to protect him and care for him and you owe it to him to get out of this abusive dangerous situation.

unmarkedbythat · 28/09/2020 16:38

@MummyNeedsWine19 but aren't you lonely right now? He's isolated you from friends and abuses you and your son, that sounds like a very lonely situation to be in. Better to be lonely and safe without him that lonely and in danger with him.

PP have given info on which agencies can support and advise you, please do make use of that.

Home42 · 28/09/2020 16:42

He sounds utterly horrible!! Who screams abuse at a baby?? What a total dick! Personally I’d leave the bastard and take my lovely baby with me!

yearinyearout · 28/09/2020 16:45

You and your baby are being abused and you need to get rid, it's that simple.

ApocalypseNowt · 28/09/2020 16:56

Please don't wait any longer, your son is being abused. Pack up and go to your parents asap.

BalloonRide · 28/09/2020 17:00

Go before your son is emotionally damaged for good. Otherwise you are modelling to your son that this is how men should behave, and that tolerating it is how women should behave. He'll become your DH.

JKRismyhero · 28/09/2020 17:06

Run

CarterBeatsTheDevil · 28/09/2020 17:07

He will shout in DS's face that he's a 'miserable little dckhead/cnt/whatever else' and 'Can't wait to get away from him'.

You cannot let your son be exposed to this abuse. If what your husband is doing to you isn't enough, this should be.

PrawnofthePatriarchy · 28/09/2020 17:09

This is a horrible situation. You need to get your poor little baby away. That's got to be your top priority. Just go to your parents

AntiSocialDistancer · 28/09/2020 17:49

Im so pleased to read your parents have your home so you can go back. Imagine sitting and getting your Mum to make you a nice cup of tea, and you can feel safe watching your baby sit on the floor babbling and gurgling away, not being a nuisance to anybody but just being happy and content with you.

It must be really hard to seek help, and I understand how scary it must feel to be alone and need to make scary life decisions without a partner. But you dont have to do everything all at once. For now, you could get some peace at your parents house and worry about the rest when it comes. Your council maybe able to suppory you.

Do you think maybe you could consider making just one step to do the right thing and begin a positive change for your baby? Sending your mother a link to this thread might be a good start. Scary but it will be done in a flash and you can have a sip of wine or vodka for the nerves, just this once! Wink Wine

Sunnydaysstillhere · 28/09/2020 18:13

Tell your dps tonight. If you were my dd I would be collecting you both immediately...

Ludo19 · 28/09/2020 18:32

Leave now. This coukd rapidly escalate into something physical especially against your son. Please leave, protect both you and your son this will only get worse, I promise you.

Unsure33 · 28/09/2020 18:39

This is my first LTB

How dare he speak to you and your child like that. Move out now .

He is no father at all and does not deserve you or your child.

Plussizejumpsuit · 28/09/2020 19:20

He sounds awful. If you've been together 4 years and have an 18 month old you weren't together long before you became pregnant. It doesn't sound like this was enough time to gwt to know him and especially not to know how he will behave when under pressure. It could be he was this awful all along and it took a while to emerge. None of this is your fault. Obviously new parenthood is very stressful. But that in no way excuses his behaviour. You need to leave. He sounds like he can't control his anger so could become physically violent. Even if he doesn't the verbal abuse is not acceptable. What could you possibly have done to warrant this behaviour? Nothing!

Pinkyandthebrainz · 28/09/2020 19:33

Run for your life.

HeyMoana · 28/09/2020 20:28

He shouts at your baby because he's lost his temper.....at your baby. He will lose his temper again because babies and children are challenging. What next? Will he shake the baby? Will he punch the baby? He's already overstepped the line of acceptability. Get out!

KarlKennedysDurianFruit · 28/09/2020 20:46

My DS is 21 months and it makes me feel sick to the stomach to think about anyone screaming in his face and calling him a cunt, his tiny little face not knowing why his daddy is screaming at him like that, he must be terrified, and if he's not reacting is because he's already used to the abuse. Get out now and take your baby, never allow him unsupervised contact , document everything, keep texts etc, go to social care yourself if he demands access. They will support you trying to protect your child