Should I ask for contribution to cost - WWYD?

[bigdecisionstomake]

Our boiler has died and needs to be replaced. Cost is around £4000 as have decided to change from system boiler to combi.

DP and I live together in my house which I now own outright. I have two young adult DCs, one at Uni who is home for around 4 months of the year and the other who left school last year and is in his first job and currently living at home full time.

DC at Uni obviously doesn’t contribute financially to household while he is at home, working DC does contribute a small amount but I am putting that in a savings account for him as he is saving really hard for a house deposit and I want to be able to give him that money back towards costs/furniture etc...That is obviously my choice.

DP and I earn about the same, his salary is slightly higher but I take home a little more (maybe £250-£300 per month) as I choose to work quite a bit of overtime. I have a small pot of rainy day savings but not enough for the whole amount of the boiler so some will end up on a credit card until I can clear it. DP has similar savings possibly a little more.

I am quite independent financially and don’t like relying on anyone else for money but am aware that sometimes I end up out of pocket because of this. When DP moved in with me around 8 years ago he was originally only contributing a bit towards the food bill. Gradually over time his contribution has increased to 25% of all household costs such as fuel, council tax, water etc... plus a contribution towards food.

I am happy with this although it does sometimes cause problems because he essentially has more disposable income with me and would like more expensive holidays etc... than I can afford. If it is relevant, DP has his own home which he rents out. The rent covers his mortgage so he essentially has no running costs for that house but he has to save a little for repairs and new appliances etc....when needed.

So....to the main question. As it is my house should I pay the whole cost of the new boiler, or as we live together and will both be getting the benefit do I treat it as a running cost and ask DP for a 25% contribution.

YABU - pay for it yourself
YANBU - ask for a contribution

I was in his position and cannot imagine having taken advantage of my ex like this.

I’m sure it sounded plausible. You have no mortgage. He has a mortgage. Rent covers mortgage. So all square.

Except you paid off your mortgage. Likely through hard work and frugality. He didn’t.

His has behaved despicably.

Seriously - show him this thread. See if he steps up and recognises he’s been a total piss taker.

He can afford great holidays. Sure he can!

My ex had no mortgage either but when we split had a nice chunk of savings in the bank. Quite rightly. And I had a nice chunk of mortgage paid off because the rental income covered it. I’m outraged on your behalf. We aren’t talking small sums. We are talking tens of thousands of pounds!

He saw you coming didn’t he?

He’s a total freeloader and I would kick him out.

As you’re happy to take responsibility for the cost for you and DC, he should be paying 1/3 of costs, not 1/4. When DC moves out, he should be paying closer to 1/2. Boiler is your cost though

@bigdecisionstomake

OfTheNight That’s helpful, thank you. I’ve found the whole blended family thing very difficult and DP tends to just fall in with what I suggest. I think unfortunately I try really hard to not take advantage of him but that ends up to my own detriment sometimes.

Sorry I think I was a bit blunt in my previous post Tends to fall in in this case means he kept Schaumburg when he knew he was onto a good thing.

Schtum

I would look into the going rate of a lodger/tenant and charge him that. Also get the legal side of things sorted out so he has no claim on your property. I would pay for the boiler myself but rent goes up each year so that needs to be factored in

Another woman literally paying out to keep some cock in her life. FFS, he should have offered to pay towards it. The man pays no rent or mortgage due to sleeping with you! Didn't want a contribution as you didn't want to become reliant on it, hello?! Your bills wouldn't be as high without this other adult in there running them up. He's been coining it off your back for eight years and he himself hasn't mentioned putting his hand in his pocket to contribute towards the boiler in the house where he lives?

Another stingy cocklodger who found some daft woman so scared of not being a 'gold digger' she's willing to subsidise him and keep the bed warm, too. What a deal!

The more I read the more I wonder if the best long term option is for us to get a place jointly and to rent mine out as well as his

This suggestion would certainly illustrate to him how unbalanced the current financial situation is. If he was opposed to this it would tell you a lot about him.

Absolutely!

Honestly cannot believe you are considering getting a place with him jointly when he's so fucking tight he's been living rent and mortgage free for eight years and hasn't offered you a penny towards the boiler.

What a have!

He's contributing to a quarter of household costs when he is usually a third of the household. I hope he eats like a bird and takes 60 second showers!

I thought you should be paying alone until I saw he owns a house he rents out. I think I’d be put out that he is only contributing 25% in these circumstances.

You're being used.

The boiler has ‘died’ due to usage by both of you. You could argue that had he not been living with you, the boiler would last twice as long, as wouldn’t be getting as much wear and tear. So I absolutely think he should pay towards the cost of a replacement. However should you go for a more expensive model he shouldn’t be expected to pay half, as you will ve making the choice to upgrade, and at the end of the day he isn’t part owner of your home so would obviously not ultimately benefit from the upgrade.

@bigdecisionstomake

Thanks wise people of mumsnet for your help with this. I really appreciate all your opinions and it’s interesting to see how they vary.

I think I will be paying for the boiler myself but have already started a conversation with DP about increasing his monthly contribution to the running of the house.

The more I read the more I wonder if the best long term option is for us to get a place jointly and to rent mine out as well as his. I suspect I would be financially better off in that scenario so definitely food for thought!

Definitely rent your place out and rent another place jointly. Your "D"P has been taking advantage of you for far too long.

Except you paid off your mortgage. Likely through hard work and frugality. He didn’t
Interesting assumption. I guess it isn't feasible that OP got her house through inheritance or even a previous divorce!

THAT’S AN INSANE PRICE FOR A BOILER !
where do you live ? My bil is a heating engineer and charges about 1200 for a new boiler

Your "D"P has been taking advantage of you for far too long
How? OP is not worse off than she'd be if single, so how is he taking advantage? We also have no idea how much he gets from his rental. If he pays 40% tax in it, is. If he earns anything over £40k, by the time the interests are paid, insurance, additional repairs and redecoration, rental agency fees etc..., he might little left to pay the actual capital, let alone have any disposable income left over.

He should absolutely be paying half not 25%. He has that disposable income because he gets his property covered by the tenant. A tenant he would not have if he did not live with you. He would be covering his mortgage and all bills. You have one child who does not live with you at the very least dp should be paying a third of all costs.

@dontdisturbmenow

Except you paid off your mortgage. Likely through hard work and frugality. He didn’t Interesting assumption. I guess it isn't feasible that OP got her house through inheritance or even a previous divorce!

In which case that’s her business

Changes nothing. She isn’t the reason he has a mortgage to pay!

Every penny of rent generated should have been split with her.

He’s a disgrace.

@dontdisturbmenow

Your "D"P has been taking advantage of you for far too long How? OP is not worse off than she'd be if single, so how is he taking advantage? We also have no idea how much he gets from his rental. If he pays 40% tax in it, is. If he earns anything over £40k, by the time the interests are paid, insurance, additional repairs and redecoration, rental agency fees etc..., he might little left to pay the actual capital, let alone have any disposable income left over.

Their relationship means he is bringing in an extra income. Let’s say it’s £500 a month.

He should take what his Monthly mortgage was before switching to buy to let. Then take the income after tax. And deduct any increase due to buy to let increase. And then he should split that income with the op.

His salary should be covering capital. Not her half of the rental income!

She also pays insurance, decoration, repairs.....

Can't see but I think everyone has missed the point that if you aren't very clear (i.e. have it documented) then her Partner paying any rent could well be interrupted as paying towards the mortgage and him have a legal interest in her house.

He should certainly be contributing more towards bills. I'm not sure about 50% where there is an adult DC in the house, but more than 25%.

@dontdisturbmenow

Your "D"P has been taking advantage of you for far too long How? OP is not worse off than she'd be if single, so how is he taking advantage? We also have no idea how much he gets from his rental. If he pays 40% tax in it, is. If he earns anything over £40k, by the time the interests are paid, insurance, additional repairs and redecoration, rental agency fees etc..., he might little left to pay the actual capital, let alone have any disposable income left over.

He is taking advantage. If they had let her house out do you think he’d have let her live rent free at his while he paid the mortgage??!!!

How? OP is not worse off than she'd be if single, so how is he taking advantage? We also have no idea how much he gets from his rental. If he pays 40% tax in it, is. If he earns anything over £40k, by the time the interests are paid, insurance, additional repairs and redecoration, rental agency fees etc..., he might little left to pay the actual capital, let alone have any disposable income left over.

Jesus wept. But he IS significantly better off than if HE was single. Can you not see how this is a problem? Th point is that that if he wasn't there, if anything, she might have MORe disposable income as many of her bills would go down by more than 25%. But if he was single he'd suddenly be losing out hugely as, you know, he'd have to pay bloody rent.

How can this not be obvious?!?

25% of bills paid by him is in no way fair.

I have my own flat which I rent out - rent covers the mortgage plus agency fees and tax. I live with my partner in his house which he owns. He pays the mortgage and I pay the bills. We both maintain our own properties and have a joint account for food and holidays. He earns more than me so tends to treat us more for meals out etc. I’m still very financially independent but feel like we are in a supportive relationship here. You can have both.

Why go through upheaval of moving unless you want to (downsizing benefits him but not dc)? You can work it out on paper. A nice man/partner would split bills and holidays, food etc and help with kids 'of the family'. Do you get maintenance from their dad?
Put it all down, list his expenses/income/profit separately. Who is better off? He can use spare money to pay more into the household budget. Keep the boiler separate, it's your asset (though it depreciates) and part of your house. Charge rent or split bills so you have same spare money.