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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should I ask for contribution to cost - WWYD?

239 replies

bigdecisionstomake · 28/09/2020 07:32

Our boiler has died and needs to be replaced. Cost is around £4000 as have decided to change from system boiler to combi.

DP and I live together in my house which I now own outright. I have two young adult DCs, one at Uni who is home for around 4 months of the year and the other who left school last year and is in his first job and currently living at home full time.

DC at Uni obviously doesn’t contribute financially to household while he is at home, working DC does contribute a small amount but I am putting that in a savings account for him as he is saving really hard for a house deposit and I want to be able to give him that money back towards costs/furniture etc...That is obviously my choice.

DP and I earn about the same, his salary is slightly higher but I take home a little more (maybe £250-£300 per month) as I choose to work quite a bit of overtime. I have a small pot of rainy day savings but not enough for the whole amount of the boiler so some will end up on a credit card until I can clear it. DP has similar savings possibly a little more.

I am quite independent financially and don’t like relying on anyone else for money but am aware that sometimes I end up out of pocket because of this. When DP moved in with me around 8 years ago he was originally only contributing a bit towards the food bill. Gradually over time his contribution has increased to 25% of all household costs such as fuel, council tax, water etc... plus a contribution towards food.

I am happy with this although it does sometimes cause problems because he essentially has more disposable income with me and would like more expensive holidays etc... than I can afford. If it is relevant, DP has his own home which he rents out. The rent covers his mortgage so he essentially has no running costs for that house but he has to save a little for repairs and new appliances etc....when needed.

So....to the main question. As it is my house should I pay the whole cost of the new boiler, or as we live together and will both be getting the benefit do I treat it as a running cost and ask DP for a 25% contribution.

YABU - pay for it yourself
YANBU - ask for a contribution

OP posts:
newyearnoeu · 28/09/2020 08:00

Agree with the consensus....he isn't obliged to help with the boiler but should either be paying more generally or at least treat you to the things you can't afford because you're subsidising him. E.g.things like council tax your sons wouldn't have been counted for until one started working (the other is still discounted as a student) so he should have been paying at least 50% of that.

Re: the boiler....have you had a few quotes? Only because I had mine changed from a system to a combi last month and was quoted between £1600-£2200 all in, depending on what boiler I wanted so £4000 seems steep, although I understand it obviously differs depending on where you live!

ChalkDinosaur · 28/09/2020 08:01

Not sure about the boiler, but he should definitely be paying more towards the bills - considering he pays no rent, it should be at least 50% imo.

BlusteryShowers · 28/09/2020 08:02

"Financially independent" does not mean being taken for an absolute mug. Why on earth is your partner not paying 50% of all living costs?

I can kind of see why you would want to feel like you were paying your own mortgage but he should be paying half of all other household bills.

ivykaty44 · 28/09/2020 08:02

Gosh I want to be living with you and paying just a quarter of the bills instead of half my share and renting my house out and making a good profit,. Its such a good set up and you don't mind being ripped off every month?

cdtaylornats · 28/09/2020 08:04

If you want your DP to contribute let him buy into the house. If you were both renting you would expect the landlord to pay.

AltoCation · 28/09/2020 08:04

The rent he charges his tenants covers an amount to go towards repairs and renewals. So he can pay towards wear and tear in the house he lives in : yours.

Given that one son is at Uni I think he should be paying a third of all household bills.

Enoughnowstop · 28/09/2020 08:05

You haven't combined finances and as such, are maintaining a certain level of financial independence. He has his house and you have yours. I think it's reasonable he makes a contribution towards household bills but this is more....infrastructure? in which case I think the cost is yours.

he should be contributing to 50% of bills minimum

Why? He is not 50% of the household, is he? There are two further full time adults living in the property and a third living there part time. 33% would perhaps be a fairer contribution but 50% would be more than his fair share.

LIZS · 28/09/2020 08:05

Yes dp should be making a contribution to household bills/maintenance. However agree 4k is steep, some companies like BG do interest free over 2 years, worth asking other suppliers for quotations.

Original poster
bigdecisionstomake · 28/09/2020 08:06

Pumpkinnose I had assumed (possibly incorrectly) that as we both have our own properties that neither would have any claim on the other’s in the event of a split? We both have wills which purposely exclude each other I.e. my estate goes solely to my DC, his to his brother. Do we need additional paperwork in event of a split do you think?

OP posts:
GabriellaMontez · 28/09/2020 08:09

@Itsabeautifuldayheyhey

If your DP needed a new boiler or central heating system at the home he owns, would you contribute towards it? The answer should tell you whether he should contribute to the cost of the system in your home.
Errm she doesnt live in that house. Why would she pay for it?
Original poster
bigdecisionstomake · 28/09/2020 08:10

Thanks to all who mentioned the cost of the boiler. Have had two quotes so far but will probably get a third. British Gas do offer 0% over two years but quoted £5,300 for the replacement so I think I’m better with the cheaper quote and an interest free credit card for a year.

OP posts:
ivykaty44 · 28/09/2020 08:12

id look at getting a local plumber and buying the boiler separately yourself

GOODCAT · 28/09/2020 08:13

You should pay for the boiler. The costs of occupation and food should be divided between the number of adults living there.

In addition he should also pay an occupation cost, which I would expect to equal half the profit from renting out his property. That way you get something towards having to share your property with someone else and he doesn't get to live rent free while renting out his own home. The idea is that you both benefit from the living arrangements, you both occupy your property and both, in effect, get the income from his property.

yesterdaystotalsteps123 · 28/09/2020 08:13

You are enabling him to pay off his own mortgage, and every penny you subsidise him you're taking from your children. You won't have any claim on his house when you have essentially helped him to pay off his mortgage. If the relationship ends he can move back to his house you have helped him pay off over the past 8 years. If he hasn't offered to pay half of the boiler I would be asking why keep a dog when you can bark yourself

cuparfull · 28/09/2020 08:15

So if the washing machine broke, should he pay half towards that....given its used for washing his clothes?
Of course he should pay half towards the boiler! He's been living there for donkeys years using the facility.
I'd be looking at his commitment to you tbh.
Mortage rates are so low atm he must be quids in renting out his place and all the time reducing his mortgage/increasing the equity so he's gaining massively at your expense.

ivykaty44 · 28/09/2020 08:15

Id look at spare rooms dot com in your area and see how much it is to rent a room bills inclusive - then ask him for the average rate. In my area a double room all bills included will be £450 per month. He needs to be contributing fairly, especially with the fact he's working and he's renting out a home and making a profit

Loftyloft · 28/09/2020 08:16

So he gets to rent his property out, and just pay a small amount of bills at your place, well below market rate?
You need to be requesting far more off him!

cuparfull · 28/09/2020 08:16

@yesterdaystotalsteps123

You are enabling him to pay off his own mortgage, and every penny you subsidise him you're taking from your children. You won't have any claim on his house when you have essentially helped him to pay off his mortgage. If the relationship ends he can move back to his house you have helped him pay off over the past 8 years. If he hasn't offered to pay half of the boiler I would be asking why keep a dog when you can bark yourself
Most definitely this....
ivfbeenbusy · 28/09/2020 08:17

@dontdisturbmenow

You opted for an arrangement that means he can't have any claim on either house. That includes any essential repairs. You don't have a mortgage to pay and he has no costs for his house if the rent pays everything, including the tax he must be paying on it.

Would you expect to have to pay towards repair costs of the roof of his property?

You have an arrangement, you can't change it because it suddenly doesn't suit you. He could offer, but if he doesn't, the message is clear that he is sticking up to the arrangement and that's fair enough.

This

You decided on an arrangement whereby he could claim no financial interest in your home if the relationship broke down.

All well and good for lots of posters on here to say he should be contributing but they'd also be the first to be up in arms If you subsequently post on here that you've had to pay him off a lump sum of money if you broke up

I'd say you have to pay it yourself and also you need to take some money from the money your son pays you in rent.

GabriellaMontez · 28/09/2020 08:18

Living with you rent free means he doesnt have to cover his own mortgage costs.

He should contribute a portion of this saving to you as rent. Half of whatever his mortgage is? Or an amount similar to what a lodger would pay.

You should both have benefited financially to a similar degree when he moved in.

You're not being independent your being taken for a ride.

OfTheNight · 28/09/2020 08:19

Has he offered to contribute? 25% of household bills seems like a very good deal for him, I think you’re shafting yourself there. If he has more disposable income, does it go on stuff like nice nights out etc? Or is it for him? With the holidays does he never suggest he pays a bit more, as he has more to spare?

Just seems a bit like your money is seen as ‘family money’ but his money is his own. If he knows paying for the boiler is going to be a stretch, the kind thing to do would be to volunteer to help a bit. He gets the benefit of the new boiler too.

I’d reassess his share of the bills. My situation is different to yours, but my DP earns more than me. We split the bills 40 (him)/60(me). But he pays for almost all meals out, takeaways, short breaks. Holidays are decided together and I pay a proportional amount that I can afford, he volunteers to pay the rest. I still have my own disposable income, as does he. He spends a lot on my DS too, even things like his school coat and shoes. We’ve talked about it quite a bit as if never want him to be paying over the odds, but he feels strongly that we are a family unit and what we earn should benefit us as a family and couple first.

doctorhamster · 28/09/2020 08:22

You are facilitating a cock lodger! Of course he should contribute to the boiler and he should be paying at least a third of all household bills, if not half. Why on earth does he think the arrangement you have is fair?!

cuparfull · 28/09/2020 08:25

British gas are expensive. We've just had a Vaillent boiler replaced iro
£4k by a registered gas fitter. They have to be registered to carry out the gas work so do check.
The warranty comes with the boiler and requires annual servicing to comply. Ours is a 7 years warranty. Get several quotes then ask for half from him.

IDontMindMarmite · 28/09/2020 08:26

OP, have you not realised that he has benefitted massively from you here? Because of you he's getting his mortgage paid off for him! He doesn't have any mortgage or rent coming out of his salary! Only 25% of bills. This is grossly unfair. Have you guys had this conversation?

InfiniteSheldon · 28/09/2020 08:27

When I met my dh I had dc at uni and my own home and mortgage. He was mortgage free, we rented his out and lived in mine. He paid the rent after agents fees into a joint account and we channeled a % into saving for tax bills. All our household bills came out of the joint and we both paid a further set amount in each month to cover them. I paid my own mortgage but any major expenses for either property were paid jointly. This system involved a lot of discussion and quite a few tense debates but I wasn't prepared to house him for free whilst he had rental income. You need to formalise your situation it's not currently fair.

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