To destroy my son's phone?

[WeakandWobbly]

My 13yo ds has had a mobile for exactly one year. He has ASD. Over the course of the year he has become more and more fixated on it. He rarely has calls or online chats with friends. He gets up as early as 6.30am to play space games and watch YouTube bloggers talking about rockets, which is his special interest.
He gave up scouts, and he gave up drama club. Now he has no hobbies, doesn't leave the house at all on weekends, , and won't help out around the house. 99% of the arguments and fights (and I mean him shoving me, kicking me, shouting abuse at me, breaking things) occurs when my dh and I try to enforce boundaries on usage.
We think we have been very reasonable in that he can have his phone before school, he is banned - by the school-- from having it in school so he doesn't take it. In the evening he will not engage with anyone nicely until it's 7.30pm when the phone has to be handed in. He often hides it, refuses to hand it over, keeps the password secret and so on. Our family life has, been destroyed... And don't get me started on lockdown hell
My DD age 11 also has a phone, but we don't have any problems with her.
This weekend was particularly bad where ds was kicking me and spitting at me, calling me a lunatic, threw water in my face, because my efforts to control phone usage he sees as bullying.
I was thinking of asking the local constabulary to pop in and 'seize' his phone and destroy it. That way he cannot target us parents over it.
YABU: kids need to have a phone
YANBU: chuck the thing out and get your sanity back

Sorry I don't know how to do the voting buttons on my phone. I'm fuming too much!!

Take it away! His behaviour sounds awful. Could he maybe have an hour a day on your phone to watch you tube, then as it’s not his phone, it might be easier to take away?

Hope it goes okay, whatever you do!

Wow, so many replies! Yes, I'm at the end of my tether as ds has got PDA as well. During lockdown, we just let him cope by being on screens. But when he is on the screens he can still be vile and expect everyone to do his bidding. It's just exhausting trying to keep the peace, even when he has it. Now we go out as a family of 3 as he won't leave the hose, and I find it very sad. My DD is like an only child 😕. Thank you for taking the time to give advice. I will have a good read and continue to do my best x

Hugs from me, too, OP.

I fully understand why you thought of calling the Police - I'm sure you wouldn't do it but in that moment, when all hell has broken loose and you feel very vulnerable, it's an understandable reaction. I've been there - different circumstances which thankfully passed but I recall that moment, well. (Though physical attacks, as others have said, may well justify calling the Police.)

You shouldn't be having to deal with this without professional support. I hope that you and your son are getting all that there is.

Are you in contact with any carers' groups for parents? I've found a local carers MH group (I have an older son but problems started a long time ago) invaluable for peer support - and the courage to go after the support that may be in short supply but is out there.

Lots of good advice here about the phone issue and boundaries. I hope, too, that you're looking after yourself well. I know from bitter experience how easy it is not to.

Put a screen time app on it, set it so all apps are blocked after a certain amount of time. Every time he complains, reduce the time by 10 mins, which he can earn back by good behaviour in future (up to the original limit). Worked for my dsd to an extent - she is similarly obsessed and was spending 8-9 hrs a day on the phone. Trouble is now she often refuses to come to ours as at home she has unlimited phone and xbox time, while we torture her with family game nights, bike rides and trips to the zoo.

What’s the point in the activity’s out of house though if he’d rather be doing something else?

Some adults are like this, it’s just how they are? I wouldn’t say it’s a negative.

Put the two together and it can feel like every day is an endless battle that you think you'll never win.

Someone said to me many years ago pick your battles and draw your boundaries, and then stick to them as far as you can. It's hard, especially when those battle lines create flash points (coming off screens has to be one of the worst) but if you are able to then they're really valuable. I really hope you don't get hit in the process though x

This is such a difficult one, but I think it's all about striking a balance. I honestly think using phones is fine as downtime, but the problem is, he's doing it in preference to things he needs to do.

So if I were you (which I'm not, so it's very easy for me to say, of course!) I would NOT let him have it in the morning. If it's a school day he needs to get himself up and ready sensibly, and have some breakfast. Perhaps he could have it at the weekend, but not stupidly early, he needs to get up and dressed and have his breakfast first.

Also, any chores you want him to do should come first. So have a checklist of what he needs to have done before he has the phone. Made his bed, opening his curtains, tidied his room, done the dishes .. idk what kind of things you ask him to do, but you get what I mean. Of course, all homework should come before phones, too, so ask to see his homework planner to make sure everything has been done. The phone shouldn't come out with you on days out as a family etc.

So, in his SPARE time, allow him to have the phone. If his behaviour is poor, he doesn't get it that day. He will soon learn, hopefully, that the way to get the phone is to behave properly.

Jesus, I ban devices for two weeks if they so much as grumble when I tell them it's time to wrap up. Absolute zero tolerance for any attitude at all. Result? One sigh and an eyeroll, one 2-week-removal, and it's never happened since.

The time to nip this in the bud was long, long before hitting, screaming, throwing and breaking things. Yes, ditch the phone. Don't "destroy it", there's no need for drama. Just take the sim and battery and hide all three parts. Or sell it.

Remind the little snot that assault is a criminal offence and unless he'd like to be taking his GCSEs in jail, to cease that immediately or you will call the police. Domestic violence from children is a known issue and he doesn't get a free pass just because he has ASD.

@Zilla1 yes, it's an android and I have access to his account via the Vodafone app.

OP, no advice from me. I don’t have kids so haven’t experienced anything like this.

However, I have seen how difficult it is for my sister who had a teenager with autism who is exceptionally headstrong and obsessive. Thankfully, he doesn’t have violent tendencies so she doesn’t have to deal with a lot of what you’ve spoken about, but it’s so hard on her, her marriage, and their other children.

I hope you find a workable solution.

@TempestHayes love it! Can we swap brains please? Mine is just mush these days.... 😕

^has a teenager with autism, not had.

They’re very much still with us

Grr i'm so angery about these darn phones Grrrrrrrrrrr

@seayork2020

Why on earth would the police get involved?

Because he's assaulting his mother and if his behaviour is not nipped in the bud now, then he'll be having lovely conversations with the police a little later in life.

Because as an adult, people won't give a damn about his behavioural issues, if he doesn't learn to control it now.

OP: YNBU

Op he sounds very difficult to deal with and you have my sympathy. I know its easy to say but i think you need to reverse this, you don't remove it as a punishment, instead he needs to behave better to earn time on it. A lot of teens, especially boys try to opt out of family life, and this is an age too when they give up activities they previously enjoyed. It sounds like he gets a lot of pleasure and entertainment from his phone so i wouldn't take it away altogether but firm rules for it's need to be in place.

I would use a parent control app and tell him the internet company have put time limits on it . That way it takes the blame off you

I've been there, bought the t shirt and come out the other side.

I now have the benefit of my now 16 year old ds being able to explain how things were for him.

A day at school took HUGE mental effort for him. Just to get through the day in that pressurised environment. He had used up all his social energy and needed to decompress. For him, the xbox and later his phone was a way of shutting everything out and allowing that process to happen. Removing it, as we often did, led to such an increase in anxiety that the outbursts occurred. Squaring up to us (lucky for us he has always been very small for his age, smashing things. He was not in control. It was not him being naughty or defiant, it was his condition.

School is hugely more pressured than it was in my day. For my son the turning point was actually lockdown and the cancellation of his GCSE's. That took the pressure right off and he began to re-set. He is now at college studying a subject he loves (his obsession) but there are still days when he comes home and just needs to lock himself away with either his phone or his piano.

He thanks me now for always being a consistent presence, there to support when needed. I made mistakes all the time. I tried to control, shouted, took his phone off hi leading to awful panic attacks but I never gave up on him and I was there if he needed me.

Does he have a telescope, OP? And (apologies if you've done all this already) but do any of you engage with him in his interest? I realise this may mean being bored rigid by the subject, but....

I ask, because if the obsession is space and rockets etc, set him onto Space X, the ISS and Starlink and go watch for them. They're visible at various times from the UK - it would get him outside, if that's a goal. There are many stargazing apps that can be downloaded, as well.

Did you watch the Dragon launch with him in July? If not, the first full crew are flying around the 23rd Oct, and NASA will very probably do a full 'live' broadcast, including background comms chatter and some pretty involved science stuff. Offer to watch it as a family, prime yourselves to ask him questions.

Get him and your DD looking at Generation Artemis stuff through NASA, as well, if you want them to interact. End goal is a new moon landing in 2024, with a 1st female astronaut on the moon, and they're targeting engagement from teens and pre-teens.

Audible has various books on astrophysics, including a couple prefaced by Neil DeGrasse Tyson and read by LeVar Burton - a good compromise might be that he can't YouTube/Social Media after certain points, but he but he can listen to audio books on the subjects.

Get him doing online stretch classes in physics, match, engineering etc. Introduce him to TED talks. If he has to have an obsession, this really isn't a bad one to have. If nothing else, it encourages schooling and learning.

It's worth being aware that there is an active online community in these fields that he might very well be engaging with - this may be his 'social life'. There's a fair bit of information only posted through these groups, so he might be using them to 'keep up' and talk to people with the same interests.

His behaviour isn't okay - it's not okay for him to be hitting and threatening you, and that needs to be stopped however it needs to be stopped, including police involvement if needed - but it might be worth splitting what could be a positive interest/obsession out from the general 'phone/attitude' negative thing. It may be that he doesn't have the skillset to explain the difference between 'phone' and 'link to my social life/interests' so can only react negatively.

If nothing else, physics/rockets/NASA/astronauts - those are things full of rules and requirements for behaviour. Coming at his behaviour from the side of the obsession might be a way in to talking about it, without him realising you are and reacting. Ask him how he thinks he would need to be able to act to join a rocket building team, or even crew the ISS? Could he shout and scream and hit people? Or would that be dangerous? Ask him why it would be dangerous. Ask him what would happen if the crew ignored the rules, and their work, for just doing what they wanted? Has he ever looked at Astronaut selection criteria - attitude is a huge factor. Have him 'practice' the rules, and the needed attitude. I don't know if he has the theory of mind for this to work - and, again, if you've already tried it, I'm sorry - but I just thought I'd throw it out there in case.

@Comefromaway I really appreciate the time you took to write this message of hope. I'm getting it wrong all the time, but he knows I love him and would never give up on him. I really hope he settles down soon. As I said 99% of arguments are around how long he spends on his phone keeping up to date. Thank you.

@ginnybag yes, he has a telescope and he lives for all the Spacex, Nasa launches, starlink, starship activities etc. He's less interested in constellations now, but thanks for replying. He even refers to himself as Energyia Buran. Don't ask..! . 🙄

Op this sounds so tough. Can school offer you any support? Like a learning mentor for him?

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