To destroy my son's phone?

[WeakandWobbly]

My 13yo ds has had a mobile for exactly one year. He has ASD. Over the course of the year he has become more and more fixated on it. He rarely has calls or online chats with friends. He gets up as early as 6.30am to play space games and watch YouTube bloggers talking about rockets, which is his special interest.
He gave up scouts, and he gave up drama club. Now he has no hobbies, doesn't leave the house at all on weekends, , and won't help out around the house. 99% of the arguments and fights (and I mean him shoving me, kicking me, shouting abuse at me, breaking things) occurs when my dh and I try to enforce boundaries on usage.
We think we have been very reasonable in that he can have his phone before school, he is banned - by the school-- from having it in school so he doesn't take it. In the evening he will not engage with anyone nicely until it's 7.30pm when the phone has to be handed in. He often hides it, refuses to hand it over, keeps the password secret and so on. Our family life has, been destroyed... And don't get me started on lockdown hell
My DD age 11 also has a phone, but we don't have any problems with her.
This weekend was particularly bad where ds was kicking me and spitting at me, calling me a lunatic, threw water in my face, because my efforts to control phone usage he sees as bullying.
I was thinking of asking the local constabulary to pop in and 'seize' his phone and destroy it. That way he cannot target us parents over it.
YABU: kids need to have a phone
YANBU: chuck the thing out and get your sanity back

Sorry I don't know how to do the voting buttons on my phone. I'm fuming too much!!

Some of these comments are hideous. Can some of you people not read? She’s not thinking about getting the police to do her parenting for her. I’ve zero experience of teenagers with autism but reading her post we are talking about a 13 year old - who’s probably, at that age, not far off the size of an adult man - hitting her, kicking her, shoving her and spitting at her. Jesus, if her DH was doing that would you say it was a gross overreaction to involve the police? Children can be violent. Sometimes, in a different world to your own, people need help and protection from their own children.

I completely understand why you're worried about his reaction, but as others have said please don't get the police to confiscate or destroy his phone (whether they actually do our you just tell him they have). You should only have something to fear from the police if you've done something wrong, and whilst this obsession sounds very stressful for your family life, he's not actually done anything wrong per se.

Imagine if, God forbid, something happened to him when out and about, or he got lost, and was too scared to approach the police for help.

Does he have a support worker or specialist involvement? They must have seen similar a thousand times over and may well have some fantastic suggestions you could try first (the rewards/earning time suggestion by a pp was great, for example). Good luck, and don't be harsh on yourself. There's no handbook for this sort of stuff and you're allowed to find it hard.

Lots of pps have kindly said that I need to restrict his usage, and I have tried that in the past. He is a tech wizard, and is clever at disabling apps. It would take too much energy to police!

I wasn't joking when I mentioned the local police, but I agree that I shouldn't involve them if I don't have to.

Thanks for all your ideas. FWIW I always notice a massive improvement in his behaviour when he has not had his phone for a few days e.g on holiday. Its getting through the aggressive withdrawal meltdowns in one piece that is the tricky bit!
And note to self: don't spent too much time on my own phone (reading mumsnet!) to model good behaviour.

Have a good day all x

You have my immense sympathy ... He has autism. He is a 13 year old boy. It is not the phone that has made him give up everything social. From experience with my own DS yours has reached prime cave troll age, you'll see him again in a couple of years . Your DS goes to school every day. For a teen with autism that is a lot of social demand and he is doing well.

Watching Youtube videos etc is relaxing for him. With luck he will do some online gaming or get involved in some online chats about his interest, that can be quite sociable. Yes there need to be some limits but it's important to recognise the benefits from his phone use as well as the downside. The usual answers don't apply to an aggressive teenagr with an ASC. You all have to get by. I can't really add to the good advice you've had from wildrasins and cansu. How about asking this question on the Special Needs board? There are parents with experience.

No autistic child “needs” a device, and more than a NT child does.

But that is not true. Some young people with ASCs are much better able to communicate and build a constructive social life over their "device".

@FunDragon I love you, thank you!!

@FunDragon

Some of these comments are hideous. Can some of you people not read? She’s not thinking about getting the police to do her parenting for her. I’ve zero experience of teenagers with autism but reading her post we are talking about a 13 year old - who’s probably, at that age, not far off the size of an adult man - hitting her, kicking her, shoving her and spitting at her. Jesus, if her DH was doing that would you say it was a gross overreaction to involve the police? Children can be violent. Sometimes, in a different world to your own, people need help and protection from their own children.

At last someone gets it

Unless you have witnessed it, you have no idea.

I called out Police once when DS was being 'Bargy' and was advised to do this by an experienced person.

The Police were wonderful, and a real hard nut of a copper took DS into his room and was there for half an hour.

Years later I asked DS what was said..DS said he couldn't remember, BUT that he was glad I had done it.

BUT...I am concerned with OP that her DS has had police come before....And her DS hasn't changed.

Boys also get ''Testosterone surges'' which brings out the Bull like tendencies at times. {GP told me this}

@WeakandWobbly

Lots of pps have kindly said that I need to restrict his usage, and I have tried that in the past. He is a tech wizard, and is clever at disabling apps. It would take too much energy to police!

I wasn't joking when I mentioned the local police, but I agree that I shouldn't involve them if I don't have to.

Thanks for all your ideas. FWIW I always notice a massive improvement in his behaviour when he has not had his phone for a few days e.g on holiday. Its getting through the aggressive withdrawal meltdowns in one piece that is the tricky bit!
And note to self: don't spent too much time on my own phone (reading mumsnet!) to model good behaviour.

Have a good day all x

@WeakandWobbly

Lol! Imagine if the MN users had their phones taken away.
My charger broke in full on lockdown and I felt isolated not being able to message DS, DM and friends.... I felt actual panic.

I'm sure you will work out a good compromise.

I’d remove his phone.
If it meant NOONE in the house had a phone, I’d take that over this situation.
We managed before mobiles.
I wouldn’t want DD to think she was being punished but perhaps limited use and not infront of him.
I wouldn’t contact police over this. Use them in violent /threatening/assault situations. I’d tell him what you are doing and why.

He gets up as early as 6.30am to play space games and watch YouTube bloggers talking about rockets, which is his special interest.

Can you work with his interests and maybe re-direct them? You've said he has no hobbies, but space/rockets could be a hobby. Right now it's not exactly the climate for getting out, meeting new people and socialising at any age.

The videos he's watching, is it random kids/strangers talking rubbish or serious stuff with a playful edge like Scott Mannley?

Op, you would have got better replies on the SEN board. My DS is 15 and has been particularly addicted to his phone over the last year. It is his escape and way of dealing with a very difficult time for him. He was excluded from school for about a month before lockdown (a result of the school not managing him at all well) and he was suicidal for quite a while.

Lockdown, along with us removing all pressure to do most things and medication (paid for a private psychiatrist as CAMHS have not got back to us despite a GP referral 8 month ago) have improved things a lot. He was however in a very bad place for a while and we had A LOT of explosions and aggression towards DH and I , which we had not had at home since he was about 4 years old. He also added running away and some self harm to that list. It is incredibly difficult to deal with.

We did try continue with our usual phone restrictions at the beginning of lockdown but it became clear he was very very motivated to get around these . In the end we stopped and let him use the phone as much as he wanted, except in his room at night. However when he started staying up all night and sneaking down to get the phone at night, we switched the wifi off between midnight and 6am.

When he discovered this we had a massive massive outburst . I was somewhat surprised as I thought he would use his data instead but he said his data was not as good.

We rode that out by me making a herculean effort to stay calm in the fact of broken doors, him cutting himself with broken plastic, breaking several pieces of household furniture etc. I tried to maintain contact with him throughout, I did lose my temper at one point where he
started to open the door to run away (I panicked and my fear made me angry) . Luckily I was able to calm down straight away and tell him that I was scared so got angry and apologised for losing my temper . At no point did I agree to switch the wifi back on . In the end he saw that I was not going to back down on the wifi and surprisingly just accepted it. He also asked me for a cuddle at the end of a very fraught night which is unheard of from him but I think he wanted to be sure he still had my love.

Unfortunately he has started to use his data at night instead now but not generally on school nights. He is well enough now to go back to school and to agree a reasonable bedtime routine on school nights which he sticks to (with constant prompting from us) and he is getting up on time fairly easily so I just tell him to put his phone away at the agreed time and trust that he will

I still get very frustrated with him as he refuses to do more than the absolute minimum schoo lwork (if that) and yet gets very very unhappy at the thought of all the school he has missed.

What I am trying to say is that when a child is in the state your son is in, he needs much much more than just 'firm parenting' . He needs buckets and buckets of patience from parents, plus just a very few firm lines that it is clear is not acceptable. He may also need professional help if you can get him to accept it

I think youre overreacting. Hes watching programmes about rockets and playing some simple space games and hes a teenager. Hes not cyberbullying anyone or self harming. He is using his mini handheld computer to self regulate and explore his passionate interest in rockets. This does not need to be pathologised too far. I think hes resisting because youre treating him like a much younger child.
Family life often does go out of the window a bit in their teens, but you will be fighting a losing battle here.
I would talk to him and reach a compromise. No phones at the dinner table. He has to do an out of the house hobby maybe, but as long as hes trying hard at school and getting his work done, then you could maybe lay off him a bit about his phone

Meh, do some parenting.

Being a passive victim of your son isn't parenting him by the way. He's obviously unhappy and if the phone is making him more violent and disturbed then it's hurting him. Right? So if he started smoking and became addicted, would you just let him smoke a few cigarettes a day or make him go cold turkey? Or would you, you know, do some parenting?

Honestly, either give him the phone and let him use it 24/7 with no restrictions and accept that is his life or take it away and get serious interventions over his violence. Trying to make the police the "baddies" and endlessly placate him so he doesn't blame you is just silly.

And, ASD or no ASD, if you've parented him this way all along (placating him, trying to reason with him instead of setting real boundaries) you are storing serious trouble when he gets bigger. If he's punching you at 13, when he's 18 he could kill you. Seriously, go watch One Killer Punch. And weigh up whether a couple of police mediated meltdowns are worse than visiting your son in prison for a decade.

Get him a basic phone and let him earn time on his nice phone.

And while he is calm talk about the violence, it is unacceptable (you know that).

I am not commenting on others but I do not think the police should be called to take a phone off a child

The police should be called for violence

To me they are separate things

So yes every time your child is violent call the police if you want

OP, as some PPs have said, pl ignore the backseat drivers with experience of neurotypical children. Is the phone an iPhone or android?

We rode that out by me making a herculean effort to stay calm in the fact of broken doors, him cutting himself with broken plastic, breaking several pieces of household furniture etc. I tried to maintain contact with him throughout, I did lose my temper at one point where he
started to open the door to run away (I panicked and my fear made me angry) . Luckily I was able to calm down straight away and tell him that I was scared so got angry and apologised for losing my temper . At no point did I agree to switch the wifi back on . In the end he saw that I was not going to back down on the wifi and surprisingly just accepted it. He also asked me for a cuddle at the end of a very fraught night which is unheard of from him but I think he wanted to be sure he still had my love

This is pretty much how I do it. The WiFi being switched off is a huge battle that lasts quite a while but it's incredibly effective. I've only had to do the battle once.

I wouldn't hesitate to do it again though, despite how hard it is.

@hereyehearye

Meh, do some parenting.

Being a passive victim of your son isn't parenting him by the way. He's obviously unhappy and if the phone is making him more violent and disturbed then it's hurting him. Right? So if he started smoking and became addicted, would you just let him smoke a few cigarettes a day or make him go cold turkey? Or would you, you know, do some parenting?

Honestly, either give him the phone and let him use it 24/7 with no restrictions and accept that is his life or take it away and get serious interventions over his violence. Trying to make the police the "baddies" and endlessly placate him so he doesn't blame you is just silly.

And, ASD or no ASD, if you've parented him this way all along (placating him, trying to reason with him instead of setting real boundaries) you are storing serious trouble when he gets bigger. If he's punching you at 13, when he's 18 he could kill you. Seriously, go watch One Killer Punch. And weigh up whether a couple of police mediated meltdowns are worse than visiting your son in prison for a decade.

Is that what you do with your autistic teen, you haven't said?

It is a horrible situation. Many parents would turn a blind eye with an ASD teen just to have some peace.
Life must be very frightening with a strong teen attacking you.
I see the loss of control in my sons eyes when he attacks he is 6 he's obsessive and strong I'm not sure what the future will hold.
Giving up scouts and staying in happens to most DC heading for teenage year's it is the obsessive behaviour.
Tbf at your stage I'd be tempted to throw the towel in and leave him on the phone all day.

I have an ASD stepson who is preteen and he is obsessed with his YouTube/PlayStation and is never off it, we opt for an easy life as it’s what he loves and makes him happy and I’m all for making children happy, we found that once we let the leash go a bit and let him do his own thing he came and spent a bit of time with us of his own accord, we also had a bargaining chip which is always good 😁. I know boxing was great for him pre lockdown and I know he’s keen to go back, so it’s sad your son has given up some hobbies. Maybe explore new hobbies that he has interest in? I know you want him to spend more time with the family but I think him not wanting to is pretty normal teenage behaviour, I didn’t want to spend any time with my family at that age and remember disliking my siblings (nothing personal ofc)

The violence is not great admittedly and I have no advice on that one, please don’t hesitate to contact police if you feel you need to.

@DogInATent yes it's Scott manley, Marcus House, Matt Lowne etc. Quite educational, but 12 hours a day. Really?

If you actually think he needs a phone, get him a flip phone without internet. He does not need a smartphone and clearly the smartphone is damaging him. It'll be awful when you take it from him, but you are the parent and you need to do the right thing for him, even when it's hard and he resists.

@gamerchick

*We rode that out by me making a herculean effort to stay calm in the fact of broken doors, him cutting himself with broken plastic, breaking several pieces of household furniture etc. I tried to maintain contact with him throughout, I did lose my temper at one point where he started to open the door to run away (I panicked and my fear made me angry) . Luckily I was able to calm down straight away and tell him that I was scared so got angry and apologised for losing my temper . At no point did I agree to switch the wifi back on . In the end he saw that I was not going to back down on the wifi and surprisingly just accepted it. He also asked me for a cuddle at the end of a very fraught night which is unheard of from him but I think he wanted to be sure he still had my love*

This is pretty much how I do it. The WiFi being switched off is a huge battle that lasts quite a while but it's incredibly effective. I've only had to do the battle once.

I wouldn't hesitate to do it again though, despite how hard it is.

Short term pain for long term gain.

Heroic effort, well done.

@frazzledasarock

If he doesn’t need it for you to keep contact with him whilst he’s travelling to school I would remove it.

What will he do when it happens? He sounds obsessed with it.

Exactly this!

Why does he need it anyway?

Good luck op, some comments here are so vile I wonder why people post if they only want to criticise, maybe it makes them feel superior.

My youngest has ASD so I know how difficult things can be, stay strong x