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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be angry that my sister chose my babies name??

111 replies

FantasyPanda · 28/09/2020 01:37

This will be a bit muddled, bear with me please.
I found out that my older sister has named her newborn daughter the same name as my stillborn baby. Even though I haven't seen her in a couple of years due to a huge blow up, it still hurts that someone could be so insensitive and cruel. The name is very special to me because my now deceased mum chose it for my angel. My sister had no reason to use the name apart from causing hurt.
My ex (children's dad) thinks I should let it go because reacting to it is what she wants. I can see why he said this, but I cannot stop thinking about it. I feel silly being upset over a name, but at the same time it's my daughters, her nieces, name!
Am I justified to feel so upset and angry?

OP posts:
Topseyt · 28/09/2020 01:50

Normally I would tell someone that they don't own the rights to a name, but in this instance I do think that your sister has been spectacularly insensitive.

Starksforthewin · 28/09/2020 01:58

I agree totally with Topseyt

I’m so sorry for your loss and also for the additional hurt you are feeling because of your sister’s insensitivity.

Notapheasantplucker · 28/09/2020 01:58

Yanbu to be hurt by this. How very insensitive of her.

Don't react to it, your DH is right. It's probably exactly what she wants, don't give her the satisfaction.

PurpleDaisies · 28/09/2020 01:59

My sister had no reason to use the name apart from causing hurt.

I’m not sure your sister would have only chosen the name to hurt you-the baby will have that name for all their life. She must have really liked the name, or her partner did.

That’s not to say it wasn’t really insensitive of her to use it without talking to you. It doesn’t sound like you were on speaking terms though, so the situation is a bit tricky.

Did you want to repair the relationship with your sister?

lakesidewinter · 28/09/2020 02:00

Normally I'd say no one owns a name but this does seem really odd behavior.

Is it a family name of some kind?

I'm not surprised that you are upset.

bettsbattenburg · 28/09/2020 02:05

@Topseyt

Normally I would tell someone that they don't own the rights to a name, but in this instance I do think that your sister has been spectacularly insensitive.
This is what I think I too.
Robs20 · 28/09/2020 02:17

I would be absolutely livid. She sounds awful and insensitive. If my sister (or a close friend) used my late daughter’s name I could never forgive her. I’m so sorry she has been so utterly insensitive.

HeadLikeAFuckinOrange · 28/09/2020 02:23

I cant even begin to understand why a woman would give her baby the same name as her sisters stillborn daughter. I have no words.
YADNBU, that is unforgivable imo.

motherofdxughters · 28/09/2020 02:24

YANBU. How insensitive and disgusting.

LunaMuffinTop · 28/09/2020 02:30

I agree with what @Topseyt said it’s extremely insensitive and disgusting that your sister has done that she knew what she was doing when she chose that name and she knew it would upset you. I’m so sorry for your loss Flowers

Scorpiowoman80 · 28/09/2020 02:32

You are definitely not being unreasonable. My daughters middle name came from my OH little niece that died a few years ago we asked her parents outright straight away if we could use her name (ours was more as a memory to the little angel) and she was delighted to let us! If she hadn’t of gave us permission we wouldn’t have used it! Honestly so selfish, and as you aren’t close that’s even more unacceptable!

LagunaBubbles · 28/09/2020 02:36

Its either insensitive or just plain downright nastiness. What's your past history with your sister like, because this clearly isn't normal behaviour.

Terrace58 · 28/09/2020 02:38

There was already a child in the family with that name. Using the same name is just bizarre. Imagine going to grandmas house and having 2 grandchildren named Jane. Using the name of a child who is no longer alive is absolutely cruel.

EineReiseDurchDieZeit · 28/09/2020 03:00

Absolute bitch

My every sympathy OP Thanks

HeartShapedBox · 28/09/2020 03:04

You're sister is absolutely out of order, I'd go so far as to say she is disgusting. Totally insensitive and spiteful imo.

HeartShapedBox · 28/09/2020 03:05

Your*

blubberball · 28/09/2020 03:05

Yanbu Flowers

You might need to reframe how you think of this situation, just for your own mental wellbeing. So sorry for your loss, and I hope that you can seek out support in this situation. Flowers

TitsOutForHarambe · 28/09/2020 03:09

Wow, that's nasty. I'm normally not bothered about baby name dramas but that is really cold.

I can see why you two dont speak. I'd keep it that way.

YenneferOfBattenberg · 28/09/2020 03:30

Who the hell are the 16% who think YABU?

YA 100% NBU IMO. What a horrible thing to do. Sad

Angelina82 · 28/09/2020 04:00

Your sister is either completely devoid of any emotional intelligence or she’s a bitch. Either way fuck her and be glad you’re not her. Flowers

eaglejulesk · 28/09/2020 04:08

Normally I would agree that you don't own the rights to a name, but in this case your sister has been very insensitive. If she wanted to name her daughter after yours as a tribute that would be different - but of course in that case she should have asked first.

Lofari · 28/09/2020 04:27

Your sister has been spectacularly spiteful here.
How cruel. So sorry OP

Doginabandana · 28/09/2020 05:53

I’m so so sorry for your terrible loss. YANBU. I agree with the posters who say that in general circumstances you don’t own a name but in this case it’s just wrong and bound to add to your pain 💐.

rawlikesushi · 28/09/2020 05:59

If you are estranged, does she definitely know that that was your child's name?

It seems like an odd choice because I am not sure I would want to look at my daughter and be reminded of such loss.

Or is it possible that she sees it as an ill-conceived tribute?

Or does it have other meaning within your family - a grandparents name for example?

RedHelenB · 28/09/2020 06:03

I think yabu. If it was a name your mum liked and your sister wants to feel close to her dead mum , she may well want to use the name. Having someone else with the same name doesn't detract from your daughter, it keeps her memory alive within your family