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AIBU?

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Original poster

To be angry that my sister chose my babies name??

111 replies

FantasyPanda · 28/09/2020 01:37

This will be a bit muddled, bear with me please.
I found out that my older sister has named her newborn daughter the same name as my stillborn baby. Even though I haven't seen her in a couple of years due to a huge blow up, it still hurts that someone could be so insensitive and cruel. The name is very special to me because my now deceased mum chose it for my angel. My sister had no reason to use the name apart from causing hurt.
My ex (children's dad) thinks I should let it go because reacting to it is what she wants. I can see why he said this, but I cannot stop thinking about it. I feel silly being upset over a name, but at the same time it's my daughters, her nieces, name!
Am I justified to feel so upset and angry?

OP posts:
peakygal · 28/09/2020 07:59

Your sister is a horrible person. I think that is extremely cruel. My sisters son was stillborn and I could never dream of using his name no matter how much we did or didn't get along. Hugs OP x

Sally872 · 28/09/2020 08:02

I am shocked. I cant believe your sister had been so awful and completely understand why you are upset.

I would never speak to her again, and if possible start straight away and don't give her the reaction/attention she is looking for.

Iggly · 28/09/2020 08:03

I can understand why you’re upset.

But I don’t have the full story here, so wondering why your sister would do that. A name is for life, so it seems incredibly petty. What significance did that name have to your family?

Pumpkinnose · 28/09/2020 08:03

Oh that’s so insensitive and downright cruel. Big hugs 💐💐💐

PurpleDaisies · 28/09/2020 08:03

@InFiveMins

YANBU. Do not react though OP - she clearly wants a reaction from you by doing this.
Do you think people name their children to piss off other people?

I’m not saying the sister comes out of this well at all, but really-do new parents look at their new baby and think “excellent, an opportunity to provoke an argument with my sister”? Isn’t it more likely that they just really like the name and wanted to use it? The op and the sister haven’t even been in contact for the past two years.

Arthersleep · 28/09/2020 08:04

Wow! That's beyond insensitive. It is downright nasty, heartless and cruel!! I wouldn't let it go. I would send her a letter/email and tell her how utterly insensitive and callous her actions are. I would also call her out on Facebook for it. I would tell everyone around you and all your relatives so that they know just what a piece of work she is!

SchadenfreudePersonified · 28/09/2020 08:10

@Topseyt

Normally I would tell someone that they don't own the rights to a name, but in this instance I do think that your sister has been spectacularly insensitive.
What Topsey said.

But I agree with your ex. If your sister has done this, it is deliberate and spiteful - and you must NOT rise to it.

Hold your precious baby in your heart knowing that she is much loved by you, and that other people's spite will never touch her.

If anyone comments, say something like "It's the name I chose for my baby. I'm glad that [sister] thinks it's a beautiful as I do." And DO NOT RISE TO HER PROVOCATION.

She isn't worth it!

Pradz · 28/09/2020 08:14

Aw this post actually made me tear up. Coming from a mother who has lost 3 angels (not stillborn) but still feel the pain of loss. I have names so dear to my heart also and I know if someone close in my family knowingly tried to take them it would hurt me as well and it could possibly break a bond as it's extremely insensitive.

It's a really sad and horrible thing for her to have done but I would take your ex's advise and put it aside because you can't change people like that, they will always be selfish and inconsiderate of others. I would just pray for her and hope she turns her ways and understands the hurt she's caused you.

X

ancientgran · 28/09/2020 08:15

She's either done it to honour your mother and your daughter or she's done it to be spiteful. Either way I'd send her a card and say you appreciate her honouring your daughter in this way. If she meant it well it could be the beginning of repairing your relationship and if she meant it in a nasty way it will piss her off but she won't be able to moan about it. Whatever you do I'd say don't let her know she has upset you.

ivfbeenbusy · 28/09/2020 08:23

There is undoubtedly a backstory we are missing here but

  • was it a special family name?
  • you said you hadn't seen sister in a couple of years so did she even know the name of your child?

Depending on the above it's difficult to say objectively where she has been unreasonable not?

S111n20 · 28/09/2020 08:24

How dare she !!! I would be absolutely livid. So cruel of her. As your ex says don’t rise to it she obviously wants some kids of attention off you food or bad. 💐

S111n20 · 28/09/2020 08:25

Good or bad that was supposed to say.

Chewbecca · 28/09/2020 08:26

Oh, that is very, very insensitive of her.

Was it a special family name?
Is it her DD’s first name or middle name?

Martinisarebetterdirty · 28/09/2020 08:27

@ancientgran

She's either done it to honour your mother and your daughter or she's done it to be spiteful. Either way I'd send her a card and say you appreciate her honouring your daughter in this way. If she meant it well it could be the beginning of repairing your relationship and if she meant it in a nasty way it will piss her off but she won't be able to moan about it. Whatever you do I'd say don't let her know she has upset you.
Exactly this. My first thought was perhaps she is honouring your DD and her niece, and your mother and trying, albeit in a clumsy manner, to do a nice thing to build bridges. I can’t comprehend someone having the capability to do this out of spite, so without knowing more of how your sister and you interact it’s very difficult to think it was done to hurt.
MinistryOfTragic · 28/09/2020 08:29

I agree with @Topseyt too. I reacted the same way when I read the title of your post. I'm so sorry OP, I would be cutting all contact with her

Elledouble · 28/09/2020 08:33

Horrible. I really liked a particular boy’s name when I was picking names for my child. But I would never have dreamt of using it because it was the name of a relative’s stillborn son and to do so would have been incredibly cruel and selfish. Just hideous.

Stompythedinosaur · 28/09/2020 08:33

I doubt she has chosen her baby's name just to cause hurt - is it a family name? We all have reasons for the names we pick.

It is insensitive, but if you haven't spoken for years i wonder whether she hadn't thought about the connection.

AltoCation · 28/09/2020 08:40

Was she aware that you named your baby this name?

It is an incomprehensibly insensitive thing to have done but surely more likely to be unthinking / insensitive rather than deliberately vicious?

Is there another family member who could pint out to her how crass this is?

Could you send her a card congratulating her on the birth of her child but say you find it hard to come to terms with the fact that she has given her baby the name of her lost cousin?

Whatsnewpussyhat · 28/09/2020 08:43

Your sister hates you.

Sophoa · 28/09/2020 08:46

Is there any chance she has done it to honour your daughter? Is it a middle name? In our family using it as a middle name would be perfectly acceptable if it was done for the right reasons and in discussion with the family. If she has just done it to spite you then it’s thoughtless and insensitive

Doliv63 · 28/09/2020 08:53

@Doginabandana

I’m so so sorry for your terrible loss. YANBU. I agree with the posters who say that in general circumstances you don’t own a name but in this case it’s just wrong and bound to add to your pain 💐.
100% this ..💐
Namechangeme87 · 28/09/2020 08:55

Another who normally would say you don’t own a name you know when a friend uses a baby name you said you liked kind of thing but this is totally different .

Of all the names in the world she could pick . Very spiteful

I would ignore her and continue to be ‘estranged’ tbh

Flowers
RedRumTheHorse · 28/09/2020 09:01

@ancientgran

She's either done it to honour your mother and your daughter or she's done it to be spiteful. Either way I'd send her a card and say you appreciate her honouring your daughter in this way. If she meant it well it could be the beginning of repairing your relationship and if she meant it in a nasty way it will piss her off but she won't be able to moan about it. Whatever you do I'd say don't let her know she has upset you.
^This

Your sister clearly doesn't realise that people are more open about stillbirths now, so there is a good chance you (or your own children) will meet your niece and inform your niece when she is an adult she had a stillborn cousin with her name.

So it is lose lose for your sister.

FOKKYFC · 28/09/2020 09:04

I'm firmly in 'Camp Dontownaname' under normal circumstances, but this is very different. You are definitely not being unreasonable. She definitely is.
Your sister is emphatically not honouring your mother - that was a name chosen by your mother for your child, presumably, not for any female child born into the family. And even if that were the case, it became not so when your baby was stillborn: the name ought essentially to have been 'retired' from your family, unless perhaps as a middle name, and by agreement. At best, she's completely devoid of ordinary human emotion, and at worst she's a vile excuse for a person. I'm very sorry.

diddl · 28/09/2020 09:05

How did you find out about the name?

If you are no longer part of each others lives she may have chosen the name with no thought to you at all.