Am I an awful parent?

[Randomnamechange26]

I know this will probably generate a lot of hate either way, so name change.

I occasionally, smoke a joint or two to help unwind.

I have a physical disability which affects my joints and muscles. I'm a long term smoker from my youth but have dramatically cut back since having my DC.

I see so much 'mummy wine culture' and having a bottle or a few glasses in an evening and this is totally acceptable, but, smoking a joint or two is totally different and deemed, 'neglectful, outrageous and automatically a druggy'

An I an awful parent? Is it seriously not that common anymore?

My parents smoked it when I grew up so did DH's, a lot of our friends have or still do.

All the people saying if something happened and you couldn't deal with it are forgetting that a couple of glasses of wine has the same effect (in terms of loss of brain function) and many do that. I don't think yanbu.

By that logic, a single parent should never have a couple of drinks while their child sleeps. Anyone who can't drive shouldn't have kids either.

But oh no! It's illegal! clutches pearls.
I don't smoke it, btw. And wouldn't. But I see why others do. It has fantastic pain killing properties. And does less damage overall than booze, IMO.

No, you are not an awful parent. And please don’t let anyone else make you feel bad for it. We all need our vices. For me it’s smoking tobacco. I’m a new mum, I do it outside and change my clothes (I don’t need educating on third hand smoke). I don’t drink. I would bloody love an occasional joint though, but my neighbours would not tolerate it so I wouldn’t. Also, I haven’t smoked it in over two years because last time it made me feel awful! Also the claim of the risk of increased is complicated - you are at risk if you are smoking high-strength marijuana frequently, but namely if you already have a pre-existing risk such as genetically. You are not a bad mum.

It’s not great, partly because wine can’t be ingested second or third hand. It doesn’t make you an awful parent, especially if it helps with pain relief, however one thing to remember is your children may not have the same reaction as you. They’re more likely to smoke it and may develop psychosis. I lived with weed smokers over uni, they were my friends though I didn’t smoke it (hate the stuff), it made my Bipolar psychosis a million times worse and when I was admitted I had it in my blood from second hand smoke. Luckily, my doctor and CC were aware I didn’t smoke it, but my friends did otherwise it would have been an incorrect picture. If your children do have genetic tendency to paranoia or psychosis, it could put them at risk. I hope it isn’t commonly smoked on the streets because it does really affect some of us and unlike wine, doesn’t just go into you.

CBD oil is very different to smoking cannabis, which carries high risks. CBD oil can Be medically useful, but cannabis on the whole may not be legalised. People like to argue against it causing psychosis, but there are plenty of scientific links. Something I’ve found interesting is that most of the people I know who developed fibromyalgia or similar and smoke to aid pain already smoked it in their youth and most had never given it up. Several things could lead into that included basic genetic ability to tolerate it. It isn’t comparable to alcohol really, the effects are different and it’s not usually drunk (though some do) so affects those around you too. Not that people’s behaviour when drunk doesn’t, but another person cannot accidentally ingest your wine as you drink it. It’s often partly about mindset, a lot of people I’ve spoken to still talk like an addict and try to normalise it without accepting any if it’s negative points. They don’t see the impact it’s had on their life, relationships and motivation. That isn’t to say everyone, but a majority. It’s billed as not harmful by smokers, but I’d definitely disagree there.

Either way, you’re not an awful parent based on that. That particular action isn’t sensible and presents some risk to your children, both in parent presence, risk of police involved if caught, increasing their likelihood to smoke it and second hand smoke risks that include mental health ones. However, chronic pain isn’t easy. I have CRPS and a damaged sciatic nerve, so I do empathise with that and people have different reasons for taking or doing whatever they do. Having worked with addicts, it’s almost exclusively rare to find someone addicted to any drug (including medications and alcohol) who does not have a reason behind it, that’s why the right therapy can help.

@bluedonuts

No, you are not an awful parent. And please don’t let anyone else make you feel bad for it. We all need our vices. For me it’s smoking tobacco. I’m a new mum, I do it outside and change my clothes (I don’t need educating on third hand smoke). I don’t drink. I would bloody love an occasional joint though, but my neighbours would not tolerate it so I wouldn’t. Also, I haven’t smoked it in over two years because last time it made me feel awful! Also the claim of the risk of increased is complicated - you are at risk if you are smoking high-strength marijuana frequently, but namely if you already have a pre-existing risk such as genetically. You are not a bad mum.

Are you aware that you are increasing your baby’s chance of cot death? Whether you smoke it directly around her or not?

Let’s hope you don’t do skin to skin or cuddle your baby in bed.

www.lullabytrust.org.uk/safer-sleep-advice/smoking/

People seem to be struggling with this.

If you rely on any substance that is harmful and:or mind altering (and yes, weed is, no matter what bull you like to comfort yourself with) including alcohol and prescription drugs AND you are caring for small dc...you are a bad parent.

It’s quite amusing seeing people claiming one is worse than the other, so therefore what they are doing is ok.

That is what every addict says, every single one. The drinkers, the smokers, the pot heads, the prescription poppers, without fail every single one says ‘Mine is ok, because the other is just as bad if not worse’.

I think most people have experience of the person with a problem seeking validation from others with claims of ‘Oh it’s only a little’ and ‘I’m totally in control’.

You claim drinking a glass of wine is worse.

In that case, do you drive after a spliff? If you had an accident and got randomly drug tested, do you think a court would agree that your mind hadn’t been altered by smoking weed at all, therefore drug driving is fine?

@Takingontheworld

I hate mummy wine culture and would consider drinking a glass or two every evening on par with smoking. I don't think its good and i think we are massively letting mothers down if they have to resort to craving alcohol on such a frequent basis to survive life.

But OP doesn't smoke every evening. She's already said that multiple times.

So no, it's not equivalent to a couple of glasses of wine every evening. It's equivalent to a couple of glasses of wine every now and then which plenty of the perfect parents on here do I am sure.

@seayork2020

I drink wine because I like the taste of it (same with other drink both alcoholic and not) DH and I share a bottle and I have no issues with this being around our son, we both grew up with wine being enjoyed for the taste.

I have never tried anything stronger than this but if I shouldn't do it around our son then I hve no desire to do it, and yes I am sure others can come up with things that we don't do around our kids ie sex but to me this can not be compared with drugs

so no as I drink wine for the taste not the effect then no I will not compare it to harder drugs.

What is your point? It makes no difference why you drink wine. It's still a drug, it still alters your state after a certain amount no matter the reason why you drink it...

Personally yes it's pretty shit parenting to be stoned and have children to watch .whether drugs or alcohol. To much is bad when watching children .my mind may be scheud by my upbringing but yes yabu to think its nor problem. There are pain killers you dont gave to use that as excuse for your drug habit

whether drugs or alcohol. To much is bad when watching children

How do you know it's too much? As has been explained, you can smoke weed without being incapacitated just like you can have a single glass of wine and not be stumbling around drunk.

I don't see how it's any different from having a couple glasses of wine.

Lucky star the OP said she smokes a few joints so obviously that's not a little and as said my upbringing was around people who thought the odd split glass of wine spirits was ok but then it just increases to a point of no return for some .drugs are illegal for a reason .and drug addicts always make excuses like alcoholics .not that I am suggesting the op is an addict .but she did ask was it good parenting and well no it's not.

No different to drinking. Apart from the obvious that’s it’s illegal, but they say if alcohol were discovered now it would be an illegal drug. I don’t think it makes you a bad parent used in the way you describe.

TBH I don’t even have a glass of wine if I’m in sole charge of my DS.

The thing to consider is what you’d do if something happened - if your DC fell out of bed and broke an arm, or had a seizure or something and you had to rush them to hospital. Would you notice something was wrong? Would you be able to care for them in an emergency? And if you turned up at hospital smelling of weed with an ill or injured child they would have to make a safeguarding referral - would that be worth it?

My BIL was like you. A couple of joints a night to destress and relax. My (younger) sister was fine with this, occasionally joined him and was very angry with me when I didn’t want him to smoke in our house or garden (because we had school age children and I didn’t want them to think we supported using any sort of illegal drug).

Over 20 years of marriage his joint or two a night became smoking continually every evening and throughout the day on weekend and days off. He became less and less emotionally and practically available as a partner and parent He wasn’t on hand to help with the kids because he was at the end of the garden smoking and when he came inside he was very relaxed and happy & unwilling or unable to support the tight timetable that suits the needs of their autistic child. It was also costing a lot of money. Eventually their marriage ended. His reliance on weed as a coping mechanism wasn’t the reason it ended but it was certainly a contributory factor.

A joint or 2 here and there is not a big deal IMO but daily reliance on any mood altering substance, whether it’s Prosecco, gin or weed is not good for family life.

I see where you’re coming from OP. I always cringe a bit when I see social media posts (often from mummy bloggers) celebrating ‘wine o’clock’ or ‘Gin time’, or the spate of ‘back to school’ posts where the parent (9/10 a mum) is waving their kids off with a bottle of something behind their back. Oh what fun!!! In U.K. there’s always this jokey, fun element to alcohol which I just don’t understand.

I don’t smoke weed regularly, perhaps once or twice a year, if DS is at his dad’s. I only drink very occasionally and again never when I have DS. But I find the whole ‘I drink a good, strong gin once the kids are in bed I’m a good parent vs you have a joint you monster!!’ attitude utterly bizarre, I can’t comment on your parenting, but I can’t see the difference between drinking and having a joint occasionally.

No different to drinking

Pointless argument. Neither is compulsory. I don't take drugs or drink alcohol.

@formerbabe

No different to drinking

Pointless argument. Neither is compulsory. I don't take drugs or drink alcohol.

I think the point is that plenty of parents DO drink alcohol though and they do it with their children in the house and no one usually thinks anything of it.

People wouldn't be interested in a mother having a glass of wine once her kids were asleep. In fact it's celebrated in our culture, okay you may not but it definitely is on a large scale by a lot of people. Even people on this thread... 'wine is okay because I like the taste'

I don't actually smoke weed (well I haven't for a long long time) but I do enjoy a glass or two of red on a Friday night with my husband so who am I to judge and I suspect more people than would care to admit on this thread do as well

The rule in this house is someone needs to be able to drive when looking after DS. That means either my parents look after him when me and dp have a drink together or maybe one of us will have a drink with a meal and the other a soft drink. I believe the drink drive limit should be 0.

I think weed is a lesser drug than alcohol but I still wouldn't do it whilst DS was in my care. If there was an emergency, I couldn't rely on an ambulance. When dp broke his legs, there was a 5 hour wait.

So l don't think you are a bad parent, it's just not something I would do and I feel the same about alcohol.

A joint or 2 here and there is not a big deal IMO but daily reliance on any mood altering substance, whether it’s Prosecco, gin or weed is not good for family life

Well it's a good job OP has said on several occasions now that it's not every night...

Will people stop comparing it to drinking alcohol every night when OP has said multiple times it's not every night?

If you're going to make comparisons, at least make them correct.

My memories of having a dad who smoked cannabis was having to keep secrets about it from a young age and not being able to bring friends to the house.

It had a negative effect for me.

@aprilanne

Personally yes it's pretty shit parenting to be stoned and have children to watch .whether drugs or alcohol. To much is bad when watching children .my mind may be scheud by my upbringing but yes yabu to think its nor problem. There are pain killers you dont gave to use that as excuse for your drug habit

Do you know that most of the strong prescription painkillers have mind altering effects? Do you know that it's almost impossible to treat chronic pain without mind altering side effects? Why do you think the box warns people not to drive or operate heavy machinery? Prescription painkillers can make people far more 'stoned' than a couple of joints would and they can be much much worse to stop using both physically and mentally

@FenellaMaxwell

TBH I don’t even have a glass of wine if I’m in sole charge of my DS.

The thing to consider is what you’d do if something happened - if your DC fell out of bed and broke an arm, or had a seizure or something and you had to rush them to hospital. Would you notice something was wrong? Would you be able to care for them in an emergency? And if you turned up at hospital smelling of weed with an ill or injured child they would have to make a safeguarding referral - would that be worth it?

After one joint or two glasses of wine yes of course I could and would. Also no the hospital wouldn't make a safeguarding referral for a parent who smelled slightly of weed.

By purchasing drugs from an illegal provider, it supports the criminal underworld- aka the people who produce and distribute drugs. Weed is illegal where OP is.

Most dealers around here wouldn't bother selling weed anyway, not much money in it. I know a couple of people who grow for the same reasons that I sometimes smoke it, and arent involved on any other 'criminal' activities. The pensioner I get mine from is certainly no Pablo Escobar.

There are pain killers you dont gave to use that as excuse for your drug habit

The painkillers I am on are opiates, they make me hallucinate or sleep, make me feel high, sick and dizzy, I need to have another adult around because I cannot parent when I'm on them and when they wear off I'm feel as though I'm coming down. I smoke a joint and I feel pain free, and relaxed, perfectly capable. Why are prescribed opiates better than a joint? The world isn't black and white, especially when you're living every minute of every day with pain.

@Badbanana Where have I stated anywhere that I rely on it completely? Goodness. What fun you are.

@luckystarmaking If he waking and baking while smoking in the house, Yes SS could get involved if only for an assessment they'd decide if you're DC was at risk. Is he moody? Especially if he has none, a few of my friends with partners who are heavy smokers say they can be a demon.
If he is like this it will affect your DC.