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Original poster

To wish she’d stop shouting at me

142 replies

PennyCrayon85 · 27/09/2020 08:33

Three year old. Lovely and affectionate when she wants to be but goes off her nut if she’s ever told no, not just now etc.

Comes into my room at 4.45am wanting to get up and go downstairs. Is told no, too early, either to back to bed or come in beside us. Kicks off, screaming and shouting at the top of her voice, tantrums etc. This is most mornings and it is soul destroying.

She’s currently shouting the odds because it’s 8.30am and I have said she can’t do a messy craft set until later 😣

We are not shouty here. I don’t know where this is coming from but it’s driving me nuts. She’s the most strong willed child I have ever met. Single minded, will not be distracted. At the same time I do not want to show her that I will capitulate for a quiet life (as tempting as it is sometimes).

Any suggestions?!

OP posts:
MonicaGellerBing · 27/09/2020 08:35

Ignore ignore ignore. She's shouting because she's frustrated and wants her own way. Lots of praise when she's being good and talking at a normal volume, ignore the shouting. When she comes into your room just pretend to be asleep when she starts shouting. Eventually she'll get the idea that shouting achieves nothing

Original poster
PennyCrayon85 · 27/09/2020 08:37

I try to ignore it. It just goes on and on and on

OP posts:
Killpopp · 27/09/2020 08:39

Tell her off! One of my kids shouted at me ONCE. I gave him the biggest bollocking of his life and he’s never done it again. None of them have.

Original poster
PennyCrayon85 · 27/09/2020 08:41

How do people do that?? I tell her off every single time. She gives absolutely zero fucks.

OP posts:
Sparkletastic · 27/09/2020 08:41

Don't be afraid to tell her off if ignoring doesn't work. Both of my DDs were champion tantrummers. I removed them to their room and held the door closed. And make sure you get a break from her occasionally. Does DP step up?

WisestIsShe · 27/09/2020 08:42

I speak back very quietly so they have to stop to hear me. I always say, I know you're upset but please don't shout at me, I don't shout at you. And then we usually have a cuddle while they chill out.

CiderJolly · 27/09/2020 08:42

It’s a phase.... earplugs?

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 27/09/2020 08:43

What do you do when she does it? Sometimes ignoring doesn't work, I agree with kilpopp, if you haven't already, she needs a good telling off. Or remove her from the room you arenin and put her in a different room. Tell her she can't come back in beside you until she stops making that noise.

Original poster
PennyCrayon85 · 27/09/2020 08:44

Yes he does. We take it in turns getting up early with her at the weekend. It’s just my morning for it today and I’m too tired to deal with it this morning 😩

Honestly I need to find a way to deal with her because otherwise her teenage years are going to be a total nightmare. She genuinely thinks she’s in charge here and cannot stand being told no.

OP posts:
WisestIsShe · 27/09/2020 08:44

Also do you need to say no, if that's a trigger word?
Her - I want to do the messy craft!
You - ok. We'll do it when we've had a walk/wash/tidy up. Whatever.

I think small children find "no" very frustrating.

Killpopp · 27/09/2020 08:44

Tbh all the kids I know who’s parents ignore their bad behaviour are just awful, out of control kids. You don’t want your daughter to be like that.

Littleforestcat · 27/09/2020 08:46

I'm in the same boat and all these tactics feel impossible when you're completely worn down by it. Should we be stricter, better at ignoring it, respond with comfort? I don't have the answer but solidarity, it's tough. And so annoying!

ZigZagToTheBeach · 27/09/2020 08:46

This sounds really difficult for you. Have you tried talking to her about her behaviour at a neutral time? This sometimes works for me. I also speak in a very quiet voice so that my DC have to quieten down in order to hear me.

Original poster
PennyCrayon85 · 27/09/2020 08:48

Well with the craft set this morning I took it off her and put it out of her reach and left her tantrumming in the kitchen. She eventually stopped and i gave her something else to play with so that’s fine. To be honest though one of us usually eventually capitulates in the morning because the screaming is absolutely unbearable and she’ll end up waking the neighbours and her six year old sister (who is much more chilled out!)

OP posts:
londongirl12 · 27/09/2020 08:49

Have you tried one of the gro clocks? My friends have had success with that as child knows can't get up until the sun shines on it. It may help with the get up time?

Original poster
PennyCrayon85 · 27/09/2020 08:50

I hadn’t thought of a gro clock. I’ll give it a bash but to be honest I’m not optimistic.

OP posts:
Porridgeoat · 27/09/2020 08:52

What response do you give her

GhostCurry · 27/09/2020 08:52

I think it’s a shame that there are only two options that people consider appropriate- either ignoring or telling off.

Mine is similar but I adopt a cheerful but firm school teacherish attitude - “no silly, it’s still night time. Come into the bed darling, we are all sleeping now.” Hold arms out, and ensure that your tone doesn’t leave her room to argue if that makes sense.

If she still shouts, then a surprised tone - “you’re shouting, why? No, it’s not time to get up yet. You can come into bed if you like. I’m going to sleep now.” And then you can roll over and start the ignoring. Not before that though, you need to give her a chance to be heard imo, or you’ll just be locking horns with her forever. She wants to be heard and she (clearly) will do whatever it takes to make that happen.

monkeyonthetable · 27/09/2020 08:52

I used to mimic them. In a quiet voice I'd say: don't shout at me. I can't hear shouts - do you want to know why? Then I'd shout: because when people shout it's horrible to listen to and makes people unhappy so they don't listen. Then in normal voice, say: but when people talk in a normal voice it is nice and I can listen. OK?

NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 27/09/2020 08:53

The only thing that works for me when 3 yr old DS is like this is what I call my "danger voice". Its like low and hissy, and I say things like "how dare you speak to me like that? How dare you." while making clear I am seeeeeeeeething. Then I physically move the child to their room and leave them there, closing door behind me. This usually results in tears.

NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 27/09/2020 08:55

Mine is similar but I adopt a cheerful but firm school teacherish attitude - “no silly, it’s still night time. Come into the bed darling, we are all sleeping now.” Hold arms out, and ensure that your tone doesn’t leave her room to argue if that makes sense.

I tried this for AGES. It didnt work a jot. Some children are terrifically stubborn and they want what they want and will simply continue and continue and continue.

Hahaha88 · 27/09/2020 08:56

I don't have any advice but I just want to say you're not alone. It's so hard having strong willed kids

Porridgeoat · 27/09/2020 08:56

To be honest though one of us usually eventually capitulates in the morning because the screaming is absolutely unbearable

This is the issue. She knows she can throw her weight around to get what she wants. You need to have rules and stick to them regardless. Your wavering and moving of boundaries creates this behaviour

Original poster
PennyCrayon85 · 27/09/2020 08:58

GhostCurry I appreciate your advice. But that’s pretty much what I do. It does not work. It just doesn’t.

OP posts:
NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 27/09/2020 08:58

you need to give her a chance to be heard imo, or you’ll just be locking horns with her forever.

No. Because with some children if you let them "be heard" every time they shout, what they take away from it is that shouting is a sure fire way to "be heard". Also they take away from it that they have a right to "be heard" any time, any where, just because they want to. When actually they don't. They have to learn that they are not allowed to shout at 4.45am, even if they want to.