To wish she’d stop shouting at me

[PennyCrayon85]

Three year old. Lovely and affectionate when she wants to be but goes off her nut if she’s ever told no, not just now etc.

Comes into my room at 4.45am wanting to get up and go downstairs. Is told no, too early, either to back to bed or come in beside us. Kicks off, screaming and shouting at the top of her voice, tantrums etc. This is most mornings and it is soul destroying.

She’s currently shouting the odds because it’s 8.30am and I have said she can’t do a messy craft set until later 😣

We are not shouty here. I don’t know where this is coming from but it’s driving me nuts. She’s the most strong willed child I have ever met. Single minded, will not be distracted. At the same time I do not want to show her that I will capitulate for a quiet life (as tempting as it is sometimes).

Any suggestions?!

Porridge I agree but I’m just at a loss.

What seems to work with my DD (3) is calming techniques. So we breath in and out whilst counting to 5, pretend to blow out birthday candles, make rainbow arms whilst breathing deeply etc. Then when she's calmer, we have big cuddles and try and get to what's upsetting her. I tell her that shouting makes me sad and I don't like it. Then I distract her into an activity, colouring etc.

That sounds like I'm really soft- I'm not. I've had plenty of times when I shouted back or put her in her room but it tends to lead to tears and frustration for both of us.

If she's up so early, what time is she going to bed? Are there things waking her up- temperature, light or lack of light, noises (heating coming on etc)?

Also, can you have something engaging ready for her when you get downstairs so she doesn't ask for the messy kits? I often stick DD at the kitchen table with a banana and play dough or bead threading, lacing boards, colouring books etc while I make breakfast.

Do you have a naughty step/ corner ? We had this with our DS, it really worked . It took a bit of work initially to get him to sit but after a few attempts he realised I was not backing down . Once when he was 2.5yr old I caught him drawing on the wall. I didn't even get a chance to tell him off, as he said " whoops I going on the naughty step" and off he trotted. Nearly peed myself laughing - secretly

DD went through this stage, I think it's just because they don't understand the emotions and can't control them. We took the approach of being very quiet and helping her to name how she was feeling.

So ' we don't shout, it makes people feel bad and makes it hard to understand what you're saying. It seems like your angry/tired/frustrated/sad.... right now. Can you tell me quietly what's the matter?'

If she started shouting again we just said quietly, sorry but we need you to try again in a quieter voice.

It didn't work every time and took a lot of repeating but she's 6 and rarely has a shouty tantrum now.

Lots of good suggestions here.

But gin will solve it.

Seriously kids are cunts. Some are bigger cunts than others.

She sounds fabulous.

If she is regularly waking that early she is probably very tired! This might go somewhere towards explaining her short fuse. Whether we like it or not tantrums are a normal stage of child development. They have developed a level of autonomy but do not yet have a proper understanding of others needs and feelings. You need to stay calm. Tell her you will listen when she stops shouting and then ignore her as much as you can. To those saying tell her off, what do you mean by that? Shouting back is only mirroring her behaviour and won't teach her anything. Scaring her into being quiet is just wrong. The fact that she is having tantrums in the first place indicates she lacks the emotional development to understand how her behaviour impacts others so is unlikely to understand a lecture from you. Short explanation and distract. If you can't distract then ignore. When calm don't hold a grudge. She will grow out of it.

I put them in their room and say they can come out when they are prepared to talk in a normal voice. DD2 is fairly strong willed when she wants to be but hates being on her own. Once during lockdown DH was on the phone so I put her in the garden, DD1 was just 'wtf have you done that for?' I'm not sure what I would have done if she wasn't fussed about being on her own. She has grown out of it to a certain extent. It's hard being 3!

I've found counting down really helps my 3 year old when she trantrums

'you have until I have counted to 5 to stop screaming or I will put you in your room until you have calmed down 1.....' she mostly stops dead on 5.

If she doesn't stop at 5 she goes to her room and I calmly tell her that when she's calmed down she can come back downstairs and I will give her a cuddle. Usually only takes a few minutes before she appears sheepishly with a sorry and a cuddle.

We have also used a groclock backed up with rewards for sticking to it.

I think negotiation could help. So say she can have what she wants once x, y, or z is done. And don't budge at all on it.

Also I'd say pick your battles. If it is something reasonable or doable, consider it, but with the proviso that she stops shouting.

It can take a while to get this through, but be persistent.

I think being upbeat is so important. Really sing song your way out of this one. Did she always struggle to self soothe? I have toys in my dds cot and books. She’s put down and a dim lights left on until she falls asleep. (She’s 22 months) bedtime about 7/8 pm depending on nap. She sleeps in till 8:30 so I am v lucky.

I was going to buy a gro clock ⏰ I knew about them while I was pregnant. That could be worth a shot. Plus reward charts. When she shouts you whisper...
I don’t think telling her off and shouting back would work. It gives a bad example plus parenting by fear isn’t nice.
My mum was like that, shouting and telling me off I hated it. It’s damaged our relationship.

Well do not use the No word
I have never heard my daycare say No they talk around or distract if a child carry's on they are removed. Time out seat.
If i was being screamed at by my child I would bend down and say
Do not speak to me like that.. I do not like being spoken to like that and would they.
It worked for me.
The next time it Do they want a time out sitting outside or somewhere to calm down.
If you continue to ignore it buy some ear muffs and don't let your child learn boundaries.

She is fabulous. She’s as sharp as a tack and very switched on and clever and bright. But I need to find a strategy to deal with the shouting and tantrums or she’ll be completely out of control by age 13.

Speaking calmly doesn’t work she just ignores me.

Naughty step - she thinks it’s hilarious. Last time I put her on the naughty step she kept appearing at the living room door behind me making faces at her sister 🤦🏻‍♀️

I would suggest a Gro Clock, I bought one for my 2 year old who kept waking up at 5am ish! The clock helped him to stay in bed until it was time to wake up. Now he knows to only get out of bed when the clock shines.

I had one like this and fully understand your frustration. I never cracked what the answer was sorry, despite trying probably all the things people have put here. The only thing that sometimes worked was hugging her during the tantrum so at least she wasn't crying through feeling insecure I suppose

My friend had one years after and she videoed him when he was off on one. Then when things had calmed down she sat and watched it with him. He was shocked at himself and they talked about it. It helped she said so maybe worth a go

You’ve got to mean it. Do not give in!

I used to say "i dont like being shouted at, its not kind. If you are going to shout you need to go back to your room. " giving her a choice to stop or face consequence. And take her back there if she continues.
Also showing her the consequences to you. Mummy needs to sleep because its not time to get up. Then i won't be grumpy mummy today.

@PennyCrayon85

She is fabulous. She’s as sharp as a tack and very switched on and clever and bright. But I need to find a strategy to deal with the shouting and tantrums or she’ll be completely out of control by age 13.

Speaking calmly doesn’t work she just ignores me.

Naughty step - she thinks it’s hilarious. Last time I put her on the naughty step she kept appearing at the living room door behind me making faces at her sister 🤦🏻‍♀️

You need to hold her down there then.

Also try “magic 1,2,3” which is a really well explained method for getting them on it.

@Killpopp

Tbh all the kids I know who’s parents ignore their bad behaviour are just awful, out of control kids. You don’t want your daughter to be like that.

Cool story.

Try a visual behaviour chart. Traffic lights. Green for good, amber warning, red means consequences. 3 pieces of coloured paper or print out coloured circles and tick her photo to the green one. Every time she starts, move to amber and explain the consequences of carrying on.You decide the red consequence.

*stick

I would hazard a guess that she won't be out of control. She will be fine. Probably always fiesty but she will soon learn social norms. Is she at school yet? I found once my also bolshy as fuck 4 year old ds started f2 rather than nursery, he calmed down.

Also 3 is little still. She has a big sister, she's the smallest in your family unit, she probably feels little so shouts to make herself as big and as important as everyone else.

With the early mornings just get up with her but make it boring. So watch the news or the soaps or something boring, no screens, no high value toys etc. She sits and colours in or plays quietly with figures. Boring breakfast etc. Does she have a tablet or anything? I'd be tempted to send her back to bed with peppa pig or something on her tablet, or downstairs watching the news. She might decide it's better in bed early doors.

Pick her up, take her outside and put her outside in the back garden on a step, tell her she’s not coming in until she stops. Close the door, go inside—she has no audience and knows nobody is going to listen to this.

She’s trying to push you around and bully you, saying “not now!” isnt going to break a pattern of behaviour. You need to give her a genuine surprise that makes clear actually she’s not in charge.

how is her hearing ?

I really don't think her behaviour at 3 is an indication of what she will be like as a teenager. She is going through a normal developmental phase of pushing the boundaries. She cannot express herself yet as she doesn't have the language skills. You need to give her that. Talk out loud so she learns to name and understand her feelings.

'You are shouting because you are cross, I wonder what is making you cross. Are you tired or hungry?' 'You're screaming because you're excited, we need to calm down because it's too early for loud noises. Let's do some deep breathing.'

I never learnt how to deal with my strong emotions as a child and it really set me back in later life.

is she the youngest?