8 Person Party! How do I not cause upset now?

[IsAnybodyListening]

I'll start by shouting ARGHHHHHH!

My DM and Step Dad live an hour away. Like most people, my DM has felt a bit down over lock down feeling she hasn't anything to look forward to, it is also her 70th soon. I suggested myself, DP and our DC's 20 and 15 go to hers to celebrate. So, that's 6 total, all good.

DM loves Karaoke, 60's music, and cocktails. We had planned I would treat us all to a Chinese Take-away (another of DM's favourites) and I would make a massive chocolate cake. Eldest coming home from Uni especially to celebrate also. DM has been very excited, sorting her playlists and I also believe a naff disco ball has been dusted

Anyway, DM just phoned saying my Step Brother and his wife have just been over for dinner, and are also coming over for her 70th.

This is 8 people and not allowed. In addition, my Step Brother is vegan, and his wife a celiac, neither will eat the planned take-away, as such, DM just told me she felt put on the spot and has just asked me to make food suitable for them, suggesting I make variations of lasagne that we can all eat.(so a meat version, a vegan version-and one suitable for celiacs I assume?)

I put the phone down a bit like a rabbit in the headlights-the initial plan has gone out the window, and I absolutely don't want to break the covid rules.

Do I call her back and say our family of 4 can no longer come? (she'll be upset) Do I call my Step brother and ask if he can visit with his wife to celebrate another day as we had plans (I would feel REALLY horrible doing this, as he is a lovely bloke, and I don't want to hurt his feelings)

But. It's 8 people! I also don't remember agreeing to cater for 8! So the initial plan has changed anyway. What can I say to cause the least hurt/annoyance?

Also bloody gutted.

Yanbu. Tell her to do two separate parties.

I also meant to post this in Chat!

Ring the other two and say it's against covid rules therefore the invite should of been sent. Apologise and suggest an alternative date for them to visit

Just make it clear that they won't be able to attend as you sticking to the rule of 6.

I would still go but would leave the DCs at home (soften the blow by letting them have a takeaway?!) that way there will still be 6 people.

As for the catering I would politely refuse that request! I wouldn't be cooking loads of different food for different dietary requirements for people I didn't even invite. I would consider making a vegan, gluten-free cake - although it can be tricky to make one that tastes good so as an alternative you could just make a normal cake and also by a "free from" cake that they can eat. So maybe you could offer to sort the cake but suggest that someone else sorts the food, or you each bring a dish or something.

I’d phone her back saying you wish she hadn’t invited the extra two guests because it’s breaking the rule of six. (And yeah it’s not great to invite more people without checking with you when you’re doing the cooking). You could say that either the four of you can come another time, or step brother and wife can come another time but you can’t all be there at once.

I think I would explain it's against the rules so can't happen.
Dhs brother and our nephew turned up unannounced today and we had to turn them away as we are 6 here already.
Alternatively talk about it and have the other adults but not your dc?

In this situation, if family relations are generally good and you don't want to upset your mum, I think you should phone your step brother, reiterate the six people only rule, tell them you'd already made plans with your mum and ask them to celebrate with her another day. I wouldn't mention the dietary issues as they are a separate issue, really. I know it will be awkward 🙈. Think about how you want to start the conversation - maybe 'look, I know this is really awkward, but...'. Good luck!

Rule of 6 applies. Just say you'll reschedule for a time when you four can see them (6 total) and hope that that the four of them have a great get-together.
No need for stress. 6 at a time is the law and there are already four of you so so there isn't even a decision to be made.

I'd also leave the kids out of it, but decline to cater. At 15 & 20 they can understand and you can all visit later together.

YANBU. It doesn't have to cause upset, but i would definitley be saying that it needs to be two separate events. You go along and do your planning thing, and step brother can visit another time

As long as you're consistent, you just have to be clear. DM and DF came today to help us with DIY, as DD3 was out at a party. It isn't finished, but they can't come tomorrow because it breaks the rule of 6, so they'll come on Monday when the kids are at school. No drama.

AnotherEmma DC's have been looking forward to it, I couldn't leave them out. DM absolutely adores them, and would be absolutely gutted if I went without them.

I didn't even think of the cake! Oh crap. Can't even make the cake! Not that I 'make' it technically, it's one of the Betty Crocker chocolate fudge cakes then I cover it with chocolate pieces. ,

Agree, call her back and say you don't feel comfortable breaking the law, so could it be 2 events, you'll see them Friday, step brother Saturday (or other way round). Make a big deal of it extending her birthday treat.

It's really easy to do vegan gluten free Betty Crocker. There is a gluten free Betty Crocker mix and you make it with an egg substitute, I think you can even use a can of Coke instead of egg.

But it sounds as if you don't want to go without your kids so you're going to have to call your mum and tell her that you won't go if your step brother goes, and she'll have to see each of you separately.

Do they not know about the rule of 6 or just not care?

MsVestibule Yes. I feel SO awkward.

Can’t they do both on the same day? Your step brother goes for lunch and arranges the food for the four of them. You and your family go over in the evening for a takeaway and karaoke once they’ve gone home.

My bloody family do this!

For years I just swallowed it up because I didn’t want to look unreasonable and difficult when it was me that was actually being put out but I started saying no and didn’t care if people thought I was being an arse.

You have a legitimate reason to say ‘actually no we can’t do that’

Ring back and say

‘Actually mum we can’t - too many people. Why dont we come in the day and they come the day after because it would be awful if the police came and we all got a £100 fine...’

Fgs step brother should step back. Definite breach and your plan was first.

@Codexdivinchi

My bloody family do this!

For years I just swallowed it up because I didn’t want to look unreasonable and difficult when it was me that was actually being put out but I started saying no and didn’t care if people thought I was being an arse.

You have a legitimate reason to say ‘actually no we can’t do that’

Ring back and say

‘Actually mum we can’t - too many people. Why dont we come in the day and they come the day after because it would be awful if the police came and we all got a £100 fine...’

£200 now. Double the incentive to make that call!

You need to ring step brother and say DM mentioned he wanted to visit for her birthday but you are planning to too, and because of the 6 people rule you need to work it out so you aren't there at the same time. Don't even give the option of all 8 of you being there.

Its not a case of not wanting to go without DC's. Eldest is making a trip home SOLELY to celebrate with Grandma. Her Uni is 5 hrs away! Her Uni is also the one assisting in making the vaccines, so she is very pious about the whole covid thing, and wouldn't break the rules anyway.

The two halves on the same day seems the best option. To protect your DM and step-dad, as it could just be the call from a neighbour who does not really like them or is frightened that leads to the fine.

Regardless of your thoughts on the rule of six.

Hi stepbrother
Look this really awkward I don't think mum has really thought this through when she has arranged to have us all over as obviously we can't due to the rule of six, I don't want upset her which is why I've called you.. how shall we sort it? Should we go that weekend and you and wife go the following? What do you think?

It's your Mum, just ring her! Say 'mum you caught me on the back foot, but you can't invite Dsb & wife IF you want 15 & 20 yo to come. That'll break the law & I'm not doing that. So either you rearrange with DsB or we will come another time.

As a vegetarian with other dietary restrictions I'd be really upset if you changed your existing plans for me. I'd either find something on the menu or bring my own. Same with the cake. I'm not bothered if I can't eat it. It's not all about me!