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AIBU?

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Original poster

8 Person Party! How do I not cause upset now?

104 replies

IsAnybodyListening · 26/09/2020 19:11

I'll start by shouting ARGHHHHHH!

My DM and Step Dad live an hour away. Like most people, my DM has felt a bit down over lock down feeling she hasn't anything to look forward to, it is also her 70th soon. I suggested myself, DP and our DC's 20 and 15 go to hers to celebrate. So, that's 6 total, all good.

DM loves Karaoke, 60's music, and cocktails. We had planned I would treat us all to a Chinese Take-away (another of DM's favourites) and I would make a massive chocolate cake. Eldest coming home from Uni especially to celebrate also. DM has been very excited, sorting her playlists and I also believe a naff disco ball has been dusted Smile

Anyway, DM just phoned saying my Step Brother and his wife have just been over for dinner, and are also coming over for her 70th.

This is 8 people and not allowed. In addition, my Step Brother is vegan, and his wife a celiac, neither will eat the planned take-away, as such, DM just told me she felt put on the spot and has just asked me to make food suitable for them, suggesting I make variations of lasagne that we can all eat.(so a meat version, a vegan version-and one suitable for celiacs I assume?)

I put the phone down a bit like a rabbit in the headlights-the initial plan has gone out the window, and I absolutely don't want to break the covid rules.

Do I call her back and say our family of 4 can no longer come? (she'll be upset) Do I call my Step brother and ask if he can visit with his wife to celebrate another day as we had plans (I would feel REALLY horrible doing this, as he is a lovely bloke, and I don't want to hurt his feelings)

But. It's 8 people! I also don't remember agreeing to cater for 8! So the initial plan has changed anyway. What can I say to cause the least hurt/annoyance?

Also bloody gutted.

OP posts:
MadameMeursault · 26/09/2020 19:58

Don’t leave your DC out, that would be really sad. I think you need to phone DSB and explain it won’t be possible because of the rule of 6. He should know that really. He and his wife can celebrate with DM separately then she has 2 do’s to look forward to. And you can all get together when this is over.

I sympathise, DS is 18 next month, no party for him 😢

Yesmate · 26/09/2020 20:02

What a shame. Just call her and say she caught you off guard but you’ve now realised that it breaks the rule of six and as such you will visit another time.
I wouldn’t mention the catering.
Also, as an aside, where is your DD at uni? My uni (and others) have high numbers and are being advised not to leave campus.

Yesmate · 26/09/2020 20:03

Not campus, sorry. Household (halls, student house etc)

AnotherEmma · 26/09/2020 20:06

"Eldest is making a trip home SOLELY to celebrate with Grandma. Her Uni is 5 hrs away!"

So just talk to your mum, remind her about the rule of 6, that your oldest has planned a trip home especially and you've all been looking forward to it, but will have to cancel if she won't rearrange with your stepbrother.

It is ridiculously cheeky of her to ask you to make three different lasagnes when you were originally going to get takeaway. Have you done this kind of catering in the past, is that why she expects it?

ithinkiveseenthisfilmbefore · 26/09/2020 20:10

Just tell your mum you can't and won't come if your stepbrother and his wife will be there, as that now goes against the current covid rules.

Give her the option of asking them to come at a different time so you can keep your plans, or tell her you'll have to rearrange for a date when your DCs are available again.

laudete · 26/09/2020 20:12

Call your stepbrother to explain the numbers issue and have him visit your parents on another date.

You say he's a lovely brother, so I guess you're pretty close. I'd cooperate even for a meh sibling - health, fines, stress, etc. I'm sure he'll be fine with it. You can fix it better with your brother than by having your mom get more entangled in trying to do all the things at the same time.

GabsAlot · 26/09/2020 20:12

apart from the covid law why did she say can you start making food-no offence i think thats cheeky

she should have said to her step son if you want food you'll have to bring your own we're getting a takeaway

3 different meals no way

LannieDuck · 26/09/2020 20:16

I think it's very cheeky of her to volunteer you for complex cookery when it's not at all what you had offered.

On this occasion, the rule of 6 gives you an easy 'out'. But another time, please feel free to say 'no' to other people offering your time to do jobs for them!

dreamingbohemian · 26/09/2020 20:17

Can you go to your mum's twice?

Go Saturday night with the kids for the original plan

Go back for Sunday lunch without the kids and have your brother over then

Or vice versa

Whatever you do, do not get railroaded into cooking for everyone! Stick to the takeaway plan and ask your brother to bring food for them.

Shoxfordian · 26/09/2020 20:20

Call her and tell her you're not coming at the same time because of the covid rule of 6
Also that you're not making 3 different lasagnes ffs

Mellonsprite · 26/09/2020 20:21

Call your mum first and say, ‘just having a think and realised we can’t do this because on rule of 6, would you like to see Step bro instead and we’ll postpone for a week?’
This way she had to make the decision and you can bow out of lasagne making.

DuckonaBike · 26/09/2020 20:25

I think Shoxfordian sums it up well!

Just stick with your original plan; the additional people / catering requirements are bonkers suggestions for all sorts of reasons.

lottiegarbanzo · 26/09/2020 20:28

Call her back and say that she needs to celebrate with them another time. You can use the Covid rules as a get-out here, without having to go into the catering issues.

Just a straight 'sorry Mum no, had you forgotten about the rule of 6? We'll be six people, we've made plans that suit us all and we're really looking forward to it. We'll see you then, for Chinese, cake and cocktails'.

'Btw, if you'd like Dh and I and this other pair to come over another time, then let's think about suitable dates'.

Expecting you to re-plan and re-cater for a completely different event is beyond presumptuous.

LindaEllen · 26/09/2020 20:31

Just don't do it. You had made plans for your group of 6, and if THEY want to make their own separate plans then that's fine. That way, in a way, it's better - as she gets TWO celebrations now.

I think a lot of families will need to think of clever ways round things, but it can be done safely and within the rules.

My partner is thrilled because my family (including me) are a group of 6 already which means that he - sadly - has to stay at home for any gatherings. He is so over the moon and off the hook ha ha.

lottiegarbanzo · 26/09/2020 20:32

Don't start negotiating with the step-brother. It's a straight 'no way' to him, on this occasion, not a discussion.

Original poster
IsAnybodyListening · 26/09/2020 20:36

I just called my daughter. For those that asked, she studies at UEA and her department is working with WHO regarding vaccines, so she feels very sensitive about it all. That and like many of her peers her Uni experience has been royally fucked what with online lectures, no socialising ect..

Anyway. DD offered to call her Grandma and explain the dangers, and also said she would like to be home a couple of weeks prior to ensure she wasn't carrying anything as not to pass on, and that nope, she wouldn't socialise as a group of 8.

Wish I had her level head at that age! Anyway, I told her I would make the call tomorrow and say something like as much as I would love us all to be together, we can't and that DD has really thought about minimising the risk, so not fair to put her in that situation unfortunately. I'll then suggest another day we can visit?

OP posts:
Lovemusic33 · 26/09/2020 20:36

I would call step brother and explain that you can all go over at the same time, maybe they can go over for lunch and you can go over for dinner? I’m sure you can compromise but do stick to your guns about the 6 person rule.

GabsAlot · 26/09/2020 20:39

and whose going to cook for them all on these separate occasions

Dahlietta · 26/09/2020 20:39

There is a gluten free Betty Crocker mix and you make it with an egg substitute, I think you can even use a can of Coke instead of egg.

Sorry, what?!

AnotherEmma · 26/09/2020 20:40

It's irrelevant anyway since OP won't be going at the same time as her stepbrother or catering for him - which is fair enough.

Original poster
IsAnybodyListening · 26/09/2020 20:41

Just told DP about this thread, and he reminded me our DC's don't like Lasagne. Christ, my DM really caught me out on the phone! I was some nodding, agreeable idiot.

OP posts:
redcarbluecar · 26/09/2020 20:41

No reason for your children to miss out. I think you just have to tell the extra 2 that because of the 6 rule they can’t come at the same time as you. They can then decide what to do.

mantlepiece · 26/09/2020 20:42

Maybe your brother didn’t realise the kids were going?

That would be a good opener for the conversation if you decide to have it with him.

Mydogmylife · 26/09/2020 20:43

Depending where you live, the situation could well be taken out your hands with no home visiting at all allowed, as it is in increasingly large areas. Whatever you decide to do though, I'm glad to hear you are gong to stick to the rule of 6 one way or another

Justmuddlingalong · 26/09/2020 20:43

The lasagne is NOT your problem. Lasagne wasn't even on the menu!

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