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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

8 Person Party! How do I not cause upset now?

104 replies

IsAnybodyListening · 26/09/2020 19:11

I'll start by shouting ARGHHHHHH!

My DM and Step Dad live an hour away. Like most people, my DM has felt a bit down over lock down feeling she hasn't anything to look forward to, it is also her 70th soon. I suggested myself, DP and our DC's 20 and 15 go to hers to celebrate. So, that's 6 total, all good.

DM loves Karaoke, 60's music, and cocktails. We had planned I would treat us all to a Chinese Take-away (another of DM's favourites) and I would make a massive chocolate cake. Eldest coming home from Uni especially to celebrate also. DM has been very excited, sorting her playlists and I also believe a naff disco ball has been dusted Smile

Anyway, DM just phoned saying my Step Brother and his wife have just been over for dinner, and are also coming over for her 70th.

This is 8 people and not allowed. In addition, my Step Brother is vegan, and his wife a celiac, neither will eat the planned take-away, as such, DM just told me she felt put on the spot and has just asked me to make food suitable for them, suggesting I make variations of lasagne that we can all eat.(so a meat version, a vegan version-and one suitable for celiacs I assume?)

I put the phone down a bit like a rabbit in the headlights-the initial plan has gone out the window, and I absolutely don't want to break the covid rules.

Do I call her back and say our family of 4 can no longer come? (she'll be upset) Do I call my Step brother and ask if he can visit with his wife to celebrate another day as we had plans (I would feel REALLY horrible doing this, as he is a lovely bloke, and I don't want to hurt his feelings)

But. It's 8 people! I also don't remember agreeing to cater for 8! So the initial plan has changed anyway. What can I say to cause the least hurt/annoyance?

Also bloody gutted.

OP posts:
SengaMac · 26/09/2020 19:35

I would still go but would leave the DCs at home
That's ridiculous.

You don't want to break the covid rules, so don't.
Get back to DM, say the other two can't come and is she going to explain it to them or will you.

Ohtherewearethen · 26/09/2020 19:35

Your mum has been very unreasonable. I'm surprised your step brother didn't politely decline though, knowing about the rule of six. Your children shouldn't have miss out because of this. And as for asking you to now cook for all the different dietary requirements when you'd kindly offered to treat everybody to a takeaway is really rude. This should have been a lovely, stress-free celebration but now it's turned into a huge ball ache for you - everyone else won't have any stress at all.
On a side note though, is it wise for your eldest to return home from uni at the moment?
You'll have to phone your mum and tell her it is just not at all possible. She's made it awkward, not you. Just say it's a shame it can't go ahead as planned, you'll have to arrange it for another time. And stick to your guns, she doesn't get to volunteer you to cater for all those people, who all have different dietary requirements and make a special cake, etc.

SmellsLikeFeet · 26/09/2020 19:37

I would be annoyed that it was all arranged, food sorted and your eldest had made special arrangements to come home and now its all changed and you are expected to do three different meals
Just ring her and cancel, she's got carried away
Let her sort it out

Mintychoc1 · 26/09/2020 19:38

What did your Mum say when you reminded her about the rule of 6?
I would suggest you ask her which 2 people she wants to opt out, since she’s created this situation !

Titterofwit · 26/09/2020 19:39

I know its not the bigger party your DM was expecting to have but surely it would be better to have 2 separate meals -lunch with her DB and SIL and then dinner and a karaoke with you and your Dc .

Call her back and see what she says she will do about her DBs invitation. its really her place to change the arrangement with them.

Womencanlift · 26/09/2020 19:39

Maybe your Step Brother didn’t realise your DC were coming especially if one of them is living away from home. I am sure if you phoned him and explained he will be happy to go and visit another day

Inkpaperstars · 26/09/2020 19:41

@troppibambini

Hi stepbrother Look this really awkward I don't think mum has really thought this through when she has arranged to have us all over as obviously we can't due to the rule of six, I don't want upset her which is why I've called you.. how shall we sort it? Should we go that weekend and you and wife go the following? What do you think?
Yes, something like this. I doubt he will be offended, especially if you say you'd love to see them as soon as you can. He might be feeling uneasy about it himself but didn't like to refuse the invite. Maybe if you arrange a further meeting for a later day minus the kids and with stepbrother it will give your DM two things to look forward to. By rights she should make the phone call but if that is not likely to go so well I would just do it yourself. Keep the party as it was, sounds great.
SchadenfreudePersonified · 26/09/2020 19:41

I think that people with difficult dietary requirements should cater for themselves and bring food to a party like this, rather than expect someone who hasn't invited them to be landed with catering three different meals.

But as the rule if six applies, they shouldn't be coming anyway.

SmellsLikeFeet · 26/09/2020 19:42

@Womencanlift

Maybe your Step Brother didn’t realise your DC were coming especially if one of them is living away from home. I am sure if you phoned him and explained he will be happy to go and visit another day
No, but her mother did
Sunnydaysstillhere · 26/09/2020 19:42

Ring the sb and ask what time his visit is so you can order the take away for the 'next shift' of visitors.....

CraftyGin · 26/09/2020 19:43

Stick to the Covid rules.

Justmuddlingalong · 26/09/2020 19:43

I'd leave it up to your mum to sort. It was all set while staying within the guidelines. She changed the numbers, not you. And don't be sucked in to providing the special diet food either, especially as you won't be there at the same time. Surely DSB and his wife will be providing food for their visit.

ChalkDinosaur · 26/09/2020 19:44

I would flat out refuse (and at least you have the actual law on your side!). DM can celebrate with DB (he can do the catering!) on a different day - does yours have to be the day you planned or can you do a different one? Not that you should have to change but being able to offer might make life easier.

Northernsoullover · 26/09/2020 19:44

Do you know what? I just wouldn't do it. At all. Daughter coming home from university is an enormous risk to your mum. Just because you are 'allowed' 6 its still a huge transmission risk.

Norightorwronganswer · 26/09/2020 19:45

I don’t agree the young adults should be left out. I think it’s lovely they want to see their Gran for her birthday and that should be encouraged. One of them being at uni and Covid is rife in unis near me might be more of an issue.

I think you need to somehow get it back to just you 4 going either by her speaking to step-bro or you. It will be awkward but hopefully they will understand.

A bit off of your mum to just offer up your cooking services for 3 different lasagnes! What a nightmare that would be. To go from a takeaway to making 3 different lasagnes is a big difference Shock

TitianaTitsling · 26/09/2020 19:46

Don't think you should contact Step B, say as above Actually mum we can’t - too many people. Why dont we come in the day and they come the day after because it would be awful if the police came and we all got a £100 fine... why is it suddenly down to you to cater for everyone?

Original poster
IsAnybodyListening · 26/09/2020 19:48

Ohtherewearethen

Yes! I am actually really annoyed now the more I think of it. Even if the rule of 6 didn't apply. I work FT and if we were to go, I would have to spend my Friday night batch cooking bloody Lasagnes ready to take on the Saturday, when I was supposed to be buying us all a take-away and having a stress-free evening.

OP posts:
ILovesPeanuts · 26/09/2020 19:48

You have nothing to feel bad about. Your DM has created this situation, not you. I'd simply point out that she needs to decide how to resolve this so you are within the law but obvs make it clear you 4 are a package.

Original poster
IsAnybodyListening · 26/09/2020 19:52

Mintychoc1 I didn't have time to say anything about the rule of 6. I think she got caught out herself, as she rambled something about a very expensive bottle of perfume they had given her, I think she got railroaded a little. Whole call lasted a minute maximum.

OP posts:
makingmammaries · 26/09/2020 19:52

Just tell her you'll go and celebrate with her the following weekend instead, and tell her why. That gets you off the hook for the catering too. Let her faff around with the special diets. Her fault for landing you in this mess.

diddl · 26/09/2020 19:53

"Anyway, DM just phoned saying my Step Brother and his wife have just been over for dinner, and are also coming over for her 70th."

So you phone her back & ask when she wants to celebrate with you 4?

Chloemol · 26/09/2020 19:55

Either call your mum and say it’s not allowed, and she needs to tell them. Or you call them

friendlycat · 26/09/2020 19:57

You have the perfect reason to change this to be within the rules. Your DM was put on the spot anyway. Just ring and uninvite the others, politely explain why and that they should do something separately If they want to celebrate with your DM.
This really is the correct thing to do anyway so there should be no hard feelings at all with everyone on board with the new arrangement.

Babz88 · 26/09/2020 19:57

Why on earth should the the children miss out! Also the daughter is coming home from uni especially to see her grandma. You will have to talk to your mum but it is definitely not for you to feel bad about.

Mintychoc1 · 26/09/2020 19:58

@IsAnybodyListening

Mintychoc1 I didn't have time to say anything about the rule of 6. I think she got caught out herself, as she rambled something about a very expensive bottle of perfume they had given her, I think she got railroaded a little. Whole call lasted a minute maximum.
In that case it’s simple. You just call her back and say “oh no I just realised, we’ve can't all meet due to the rule of 6. What would you like to do?”.