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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

8 Person Party! How do I not cause upset now?

104 replies

IsAnybodyListening · 26/09/2020 19:11

I'll start by shouting ARGHHHHHH!

My DM and Step Dad live an hour away. Like most people, my DM has felt a bit down over lock down feeling she hasn't anything to look forward to, it is also her 70th soon. I suggested myself, DP and our DC's 20 and 15 go to hers to celebrate. So, that's 6 total, all good.

DM loves Karaoke, 60's music, and cocktails. We had planned I would treat us all to a Chinese Take-away (another of DM's favourites) and I would make a massive chocolate cake. Eldest coming home from Uni especially to celebrate also. DM has been very excited, sorting her playlists and I also believe a naff disco ball has been dusted Smile

Anyway, DM just phoned saying my Step Brother and his wife have just been over for dinner, and are also coming over for her 70th.

This is 8 people and not allowed. In addition, my Step Brother is vegan, and his wife a celiac, neither will eat the planned take-away, as such, DM just told me she felt put on the spot and has just asked me to make food suitable for them, suggesting I make variations of lasagne that we can all eat.(so a meat version, a vegan version-and one suitable for celiacs I assume?)

I put the phone down a bit like a rabbit in the headlights-the initial plan has gone out the window, and I absolutely don't want to break the covid rules.

Do I call her back and say our family of 4 can no longer come? (she'll be upset) Do I call my Step brother and ask if he can visit with his wife to celebrate another day as we had plans (I would feel REALLY horrible doing this, as he is a lovely bloke, and I don't want to hurt his feelings)

But. It's 8 people! I also don't remember agreeing to cater for 8! So the initial plan has changed anyway. What can I say to cause the least hurt/annoyance?

Also bloody gutted.

OP posts:
PuzzledObserver · 26/09/2020 20:48

It sounds like your step-brother invited himself to the celebration you had organised for your DM. Which would be rude at the best of times, but at the moment is actually illegal.

pumpkinpie01 · 26/09/2020 20:52

Your step bro can go in the day with as many lasagnes as he likes , you can go as planned in the evening and have your stress free Chinese.

Nottherealslimshady · 26/09/2020 20:59

I'd call step brother and explain and tell him it's best if he goes earlier in the day and you guys go later for a chinese. Sound like he's invited himself and caught your mum off guard who then caught you off guard.

Pancakeorcrepe · 26/09/2020 21:01

“Just told DP about this thread, and he reminded me our DC's don't like Lasagne.“
Sorry but this tickled me 😹
No offence but your mum is VERY cheeky! To be volunteering your time for complicated catering when what was discussed was a take-away. It’s so rude to change plans which had been agreed by all and expect you to carry all the inconvenience. You sound busy enough but even if you weren’t, your time is your own! Does she favour your brother? Is she a bit old fashioned and thinks women should do all the organising?

accccc · 26/09/2020 21:02

If your daughter is coming home from uni, you are going to visit and your mum is 70.... Do you think its responsible with University Covid rates, and three households any way?

If the Stepbrother is already there the risk to your mum hasn't changed anyway.

Newmumatlast · 26/09/2020 21:02

It's not just against the rules it is against the law and a criminal offence. Whether or not it is something one agrees with, I sure as hell would not be committing a criminal offence. They'll have to rearrange or else like a pp said your kids dont go. But dont make the 3 versions of lasagne!

Newmumatlast · 26/09/2020 21:03

@accccc

If your daughter is coming home from uni, you are going to visit and your mum is 70.... Do you think its responsible with University Covid rates, and three households any way?

If the Stepbrother is already there the risk to your mum hasn't changed anyway.

This is actually a really good point. Should probably stick to no kids x
daisychain01 · 26/09/2020 21:04

But. It's 8 people! I also don't remember agreeing to cater for 8! So the initial plan has changed anyway. What can I say to cause the least hurt/annoyance?

It isn't your responsibility to worry about causing hurt or annoyance. You didn't cause the problem.

If an adult doesn't know how to count up to 6, that's not a problem you need to be wrapped up in. I'd pull out - just say you're happy to come up the following week, but you're not able to attend with 8 people there, so you'd feel a lot more comfortable and relaxed knowing there are only 6 people in the gathering.

You could always remind her about the £1000 fine, that could make a difference.

Disfordarkchocolate · 26/09/2020 21:05

Ring them and discuss, if I was them I'd celebrate another day because that's what a nice person would suggest when they here how nice your plans were. Good luck.

MiddleClassProblem · 26/09/2020 21:08

Just call them...

Original poster
IsAnybodyListening · 26/09/2020 21:57

Pancakeorcrepe It tickled me to! Can't believe the absurdness of this.

Virus aside, I just imagined me cooking a Lasagne for 4 meat eaters, a Lasagne for 1 coliac, another for a Vegan and a separate dish for DC's.

What the actual heck was I nodding along to on the phone. Arh. The power of our parents!

Obviously that's a hypothetical scenario now as the gathering isn't happening.

OP posts:
Justmuddlingalong · 26/09/2020 22:03

Your DM seems to think it is. And you're doing the catering! 😬

MiddleClassProblem · 26/09/2020 22:07

What if you all do your thing as planned and DSB and DW can huddle outside on the drive in a VIP tent for two 😂

Raise a glass to them through the window?

Original poster
IsAnybodyListening · 26/09/2020 22:11

accccc Check my update above.
Did you ever watch the series 'Absolutely Fabulous'? Well, my DD is a bit like the character 'Saffy'. Trust me. No-ones at risk with her about. She is super sensible, and also postulated herself that nothing is set in stone regarding how Covid pans out, so our plan of 6 at my folks was still dependant on government advice and her coming home healthy.

Am I being a bit selfish to be gutted? Yep. Like a lot of us, I have been WFH for many months, (lucky compared to others). Very cautious, and was looking forward to this. But it is what it is, and we are all feeling it.

OP posts:
ThePlantsitter · 26/09/2020 22:11

I'd probably suggest DP and bro's DP give it a miss. That makes 6 and vegetarians can eat Chinese! But maybe your family doesn't work like that.

SengaMac · 26/09/2020 22:11

Glad to hear you're going to sort it out with DM.

Greeneyes78 · 26/09/2020 22:13

erm, it’s your mothers party so maybe don’t go if you don’t want to break rules.

bit ridiculous in my opinion but each to their own.

Awrite · 26/09/2020 22:14

I think there's a very good chance that you won't be able to visit other households at all soon.

Just like Scotland.

MiddleClassProblem · 26/09/2020 22:14

@ThePlantsitter

I'd probably suggest DP and bro's DP give it a miss. That makes 6 and vegetarians can eat Chinese! But maybe your family doesn't work like that.
Vegan, not veggie and not sure who DP’s bro is...
Original poster
IsAnybodyListening · 26/09/2020 23:00

Greeneyes78

Erm (as you said) It was only my DM's party because the 4 of us, were joining them 2. If I hadn't of suggested it would have been just the pair of them that evening.

OP posts:
ThePlantsitter · 27/09/2020 01:01

@MiddleClassProblem it says bro's DP.

Vegans can also eat Chinese.

But thanks for being so vigilant. Hmm

Greeneyes78 · 27/09/2020 03:05

i’d still go it’s just two extra people.

it’s a total lottery, anyone could have it. your children are mixing with hundreds of people every day in school and uni so they are more likely to bring covid to the party.

just have a conversation with your mum about it, i really don’t understand why you can’t. it’s your mum!

Marchitectmummy · 27/09/2020 03:52

Its your mum's birthday so should be her choice, remind her of the rule of 6 anf ask her to choose the 4 to join her. Then the others can do something earlier or later in the day or the next day?

If it were my birthday I would go with the adults (step brother and you) so to speak all together and then you and your children all together.

But see what she wants. Forget tge making of food either way, just buy stuff in.

MiddleClassProblem · 27/09/2020 09:07

@ThePlantsitter egg and egg powder is used a lot in Chinese dishes you wouldn’t realise and obviously fish sauce too so it’s just a pita getting a takeaway and having to check most dishes or not having much choice. I’m just sayings it’s quite different.

Hopoindown31 · 27/09/2020 09:10

All you can do is say that as other people are now visiting you and yours can't go as it will break the rules and so can you look to rearrange your visit to another time.