Neighbour asked me to be quiet

[DBML]

Good afternoon!

My husband and I work full time. My son is 15 and never plays loud games or music. We bought him earphones many years ago so as not to disturb us, let alone neighbours. We are a quiet family; no parties; no late TV; no pets; nothing.

Anyway, next door (SAHM) have a two and a half year old and I understand how difficult that is, but I am getting a little pissed off. We hear the baby crying, sometimes screaming with a little tantrum and ignore...all very normal, no harm done.

But, I put the vacuum on on a Saturday to Hoover around and I get a text asking me if I can turn it off as they are trying to put the baby down for a nap and he won’t go.

Today, I’ve just almost finished my big clean of the week (as I said, I work full time) the vacuum is on at 1.30pm for less than a minute when I get the text.

‘Hey hun - were trying to get ** off to sleep. Can you do the vacuuming some other time?’

I want to say ‘actually, no I can’t. I’m doing my housework now’.

Would I be unreasonable to just start the vacuum up now and finish the job?

We were the same with my son. Lots of normal noises and he just slept through them. I know people do things differently though.

As a mum of a 2.5 year old I completely understand where your neighbour is coming from but I’d never have the cheek to actually ask.

My DD doesn’t want to go for her day time naps anymore but she needs them still or the rest of the day is horrendous! We used to live in a terraced house and there was nothing more infuriating than when DD woke up before she was ready to because of external noise but that was only ever on the odd occasion. I don’t know how I’d cope if it was every Saturday. As much as you want to do what you want in your house, your neighbour wants to do what she wants in her own house as well and you are effectively stopping them.

Not that I’m saying you’re in the wrong, I’m just trying to see it from their point of view. I actually can’t believe your neighbour has the cheek to ask but it’s nice she feels comfortable enough with you to do so.

If it was me, I’d try to avoid the time you know he is going for a nap if at all possible but I wouldn’t put myself out too much.

Don't think I'd dare.

If my son didn't sleep through my neighbours noise it's not their responsibility to stop what they're doing unless it's widely deemed antisocial.

It's my job as a parent to teach my son to get over it.

That's their job too.

I wouldn't be accomodating these cheeky fuckers.

Thought vacuum cleaner sound, as in white noise, was one of those that young children can be soothed by. Carry on cleaning!

It's like a loud ticking clock, you habituate to it - I've seen babies sleep at afternoon concerts in the park. Ignore the text, carry on hoovering - I reckon its more the anxiety of the parents transferring to the baby rather than the baby being unable to sleep.

As much as you want to do what you want in your house, your neighbour wants to do what she wants in her own house as well and you are effectively stopping them.

Yes, but wouldn’t she be effectively stopping me doing what I want to do also? I don’t know why her need for her child to sleep midday, trumps my families need to enjoy what we have of a weekend? It’s not like I’m playing hip hop at warp volume or anything, I’m simply hoovering my small house which takes 15 minutes tops. I understand what it’s like to have a 2.5 year old, it’s tough, I’ve been there and done that...but I would never have expected anyone to be silent in their own home to accommodate my child.

If it was me, I’d try to avoid the time you know he is going for a nap if at all possible.

But I don’t know his sleep schedule. Why would I? How can I avoid it without asking and practically giving her consent to direct my day?

I appreciate that you are trying to promote diplomacy and good relations between neighbours, so I thank you for your comment.

It would be best for the baby and them if it gets used to some noise now

I would for sure not reply and block her number. When my neighbour asked for mine I said it was for close friends and family only. That more or less set the tone for our relationship.

Say ok, then next time her kid is making a noise ask her to go out for a walk with it as you’re trying to work. She’s a SAHM so she’s got loads of time to work around putting her kid to sleep or whatever.

That's bonkers of her, my husband complains if I consider putting the washing machine on after about 8pm as he worries it might be too noisy for the neighbours, but unless you have a Kirby vacuum, which are noisier than most, I can't see they have anything to complain about, especially if it hasn't bothered them for the past 2 ½ years. My daughter gave up naps at 2 about the time my son was born, which was a bloody nuisance as I really could have done with the sleep, I expect she hasn't realised that's what is happening.

Ok so there is a mythical terrace where one child has one sleep pattern on one side, the child in the middle has another sleep pattern, the child on the other side has a different one.

Should they all sit down and work out a roster?

the OP was not doing anything wrong!!!

Why is a child being put down for a nap at lunchtime anyway? He clearly doesn't want to sleep, otherwise a low hum of the vacuum wouldn't bother him.

What your neighbour is doing is transferring her feelings of frustration and helplessness onto you and blaming the noise of your vacuuming and your habits instead of finding ways to cope with her baby. Babies can sleep through air-conditioning, on planes, on a bus with busy traffic all around. It is her problem she cannot solve. To lessen friction between you, I suggest you do this- a la Esther Perel, who is a great counsellor. You reflect her problem- her baby won't sleep, then reflect your problem- your tight work schedule, then ask her what the solution could be, then offer your own. You could do this over a cup of tea with her. Her baby might need more fresh air/ exercise so her baby will really need a sleep. Maybe she is giving her baby too many sweet things and the baby is hyper/ over-tired.

@FuckYouCorona

Because a 2 year old often doesn’t know what’s best for them, and around that age they start to fight a nap for a while but actually it’s important for them to nap for their development. My eldest started fighting his nap around then for a few months and now at 4 Still sleeps daily.

Saying that, when he was fighting his nap it wouldn’t even have gone through my mind to text a neighbour to be quiet... that’s just odd or maybe super desperate?!!

Going slightly against the flow but I’d do my hoovering/noisy stuff outside the 12-3 midday nap bracket if I had neighbours with a toddler who isn’t a good sleeper. If you start cleaning at 9am anyway why not swap things around - not much hassle?

@Pepperama

Cause hoovering is always done last!!! Dusting etc then hoover sucks up all the dusk/other stuff that may have fallen onto carpet/floors.

Sure hun. Just having a quick hoover round. Then continue as normal.

I can't believe anyone thinks you are being unfair let alone 2%. Who are the ones that think that? Obviously other entitled people.

Your neighbour is the one being unfair and selfish and entitled. I would tell her to get lost

hell no! I would have just carried on. At 2.5 naps are old news anyway especially at lunch time. They cant dictate your hoovering. My elderly neighbours use to wake me up at 5.30 am every morning hoovering, or rather bashing the crap of the skirting board on the other side of my bed every day. i didnt complain when i just got my baby asleep and they woke her up - because i dont expect the world to stop so i can carry on. They need to do the same.

Like fuck would I avoid hoovering at 1,30pm as the neighbour asked me to. If it was late at night, yeah. But in the middle of the afternoon I think its a cheeky ask tbh.

Having said that, one of our neighbors works night shifts and sometimes we will put things off til later in the day specifically as we know she will be asleep. But she has never asked us to do this.

My kids also would sleep through an earthquake, we specifically made a point of NOT needing absolute silence for naps and stuff when they were little. I cannot imagine having a kid so sensitive to noise that the neghbours hoover would stop them sleeping..I can only ever hear a dull sound, if anything when the neighbour is cleaning.

She'll be one of those mothers in a few years typing "AIBU? Should I take away my son's phone, only he just called me a 'c*' and smashed all the windows, he's a funny little poppet so I'm thinking a week's ban?"

@Pepperama

Going slightly against the flow but I’d do my hoovering/noisy stuff outside the 12-3 midday nap bracket if I had neighbours with a toddler who isn’t a good sleeper. If you start cleaning at 9am anyway why not swap things around - not much hassle?

Because of someone's bloody toddler?! FFS. Not much hassle for someone to rearrange their entire day off around a toddler that's not even theirs?

Many years ago I had an elderly underneath neighbour who complained that I was keeping her awake - by walking around my flat and making normal domestic sounds til 1am. She claimed she could not settle til she knew I had gone to bed "in case" I made a noise. I put it to her that she often woke me at 8am hoovering and running her washer when I did not have to be in work til 12 noon and then finished at 9pm.

So I offered a compromise. Wait til after 10 am on wednesdays and fridays (my late shifts) to do your hoovering and washing and I will try to be as quiet as possible,. I will walk about in stocking feet, not bang cupboard doors, clatter dishes or run water etc. She retorted that she liked to get her cleaning done as soon as she woke up and then go shopping.

Next day I was woken at 8am as usual. That evening I banged about the flat, had a shower, slammed cupboard doors and boiled water till1am. Every time she woke me with early hoovering etc she was "punished" the following evening. She tried complaining to the committee who ran the housing association. They said "well we are sorry but these are normal domestic noises and not against the lease."

Eventually she learned. Start as you mean to go on. You cannot base your lifestyle around the activities of neighbours.