Narcissist turned people against me..aibu to fight back?

[alltheleavesarebrownnn]

She told many lies about me.
Used things about me she knew and twisted them.
Contacted the police with lies (proven to be lies ) but she did it anonymously.
No matter how hard I try with these people they don't believe that she's lying.
They've fallen for it all.
She's flipped it that I'm the crazy one who she's had to put up with abuse for years.
The more I tried to prove it..she said I was obsessed with her.
I don't know how to prove what she is.

Isn’t this the 3rd time you’ve posted about this? Those who protest too much and all...

I don't see what the big deal is if she has posted three times?

If you feel you have read it all before just click away. Don't berate a poster for creating a thread that bores you.

A lot of people have shared here.

One thread is never going to solve a problem like this.

You've posted about this a lot haven't you ?

Sorry but you are being obsessive

@WiserOwl people get frustrated I think when good advice is given (in this case - keep away from the drama) and the OP just keeps coming back and posting.

I agree that often things cannot be solved easily (LTB being an obvious one), but here it does seem kike the OP keeps poking the bear, when there’s no need.

@alltheleavesarebrownnn

Sorry for late reply to questions I was out with a friend yesterday and had such a nice time. Last week I did message the girl who I text /meet up with etc and said "I thought we were friends,apologies if that wasn't the case,I'm sorry you listened to all her lies,you should have let me explain"

Her reply was .."we are not friends,we have met about 20 times,texting every day and phone calls doesn't mean friends,I don't have any friends,I trust nobody"

What do you make of that ?

@alltheleavesarebrownnn don't respond to that. It's a classic drama bait. The inference there is that it is not you that has been let down, it is her. She is distancing herself there. Re-framing what usually makes people considering themselves friends. ie, meeting repeatedly doesn't make her consider you a friend. Texting every day doesn't mean anything to her. So she's telling you that just because those things normally spell out a friendship, in her case, THEY DID NOT. Therefore, she owed you nothing. She is telling you that her rationale here to absolve herself of any shame or guilt that she might be suppressing for having colluded in the mobbing of a friend is to revise history. You were not her friend. Total revisionism, but it exonerates her from having owed you anything. You were just a person she texted and met up with.

Also the ''I trust nobody'' is a drama bait. You are supposed to feel wounded here. Like YOU are the person who let her down. Or to ask her why she says this, or why SHE feels she cannot trust anybody.

PLEASE DO NOT respond to this word salad.

She is pushing water uphill to reframe a friendship. She is determined to owe you nothing. Determined to feel no guilt. And her last word is that is that she has to be wary! She cannot afford to trust.

Honestly just walk away from that response. Leave it. It is telling you ONE thing and one thing only, that she feels NO GUILT AND NEVER WILL.

For your sanity, block her.

Sorry if posting a lot annoys people,it's just been a shit time lately.
Lost my mum and then people I thought were friends.
My anxiety isnt great and this is the only place really I can vent off too.
Don't want to bother friends with the same thing constantly.
I don't protest too much,none of you know me ..I've got nothing to prove to you.
This is me explaining a situation and trying my best to understand why people have done a shitty thing.

@WiserOwl that makes a lot of sense.
Thankyou
It's almost like you say if she says we weren't friends she doesn't have to feel guilty.
She owes me nothing..I'm nobody to her etc
I'm more hurt by her than anyone tbh

@briebuiltthiscity it's the fact me and this other girl would text daily,meet up and other things.
She knew my ex friend phoned the police and made accusations (whether she believed them to be true or not) then still continued to speak to me.
Then when I told her what had happened she told me I was lying and I was clearly guilty.
Showed her proof ..immediately said "don't care,don't want to know"
Wouldn't admit she was wrong and it's just hurtful

The thing is you’re never going to be able to understand the warped logic. I posted about my dd and her ex “friend” upthread. There’s so much to that story as well.

The only thing you need to do is walk away and soothe yourself. The message that you sent to this second woman, has only helped them to solidify the position that you are the perpetrator and they victims. It’s vile. Either this woman is like the main ringleader or more likely she is doing whatever she can to keep herself safe from becoming the next target. Whatever her reasons for distancing herself, they have nothing to do with you and who you are as a person. Arguing against false fallacies will only hurt you.

I can totally understand why you are more hurt by this woman. She showed you decency and kindness. It is actually very likely that she is parroting what your accuser has said to her verbatim and for your own sanity, you need to protect yourself and not engage further. Do not attempt to rescue her. It will hurt you further.

I know this kind of thing really gets under one’s skin @alltheleavesarebrownnn but really @WiserOwl is right, the “I trust no one” is bait. She could have said nothing at all, or said less but that statement is there to leave you wondering and tempt you to ask “what do you mean?”. I know it’s tempting to try and find answers or to try and have the last word but theres far too higher price to pay.

Block, move on - the sooner you do the sooner it will be apparent to all who is manipulating truth and other people. No doubt the next victim is already lined up for when you stop engaging; and your “trust no one” “friend” is probably terrified it’s her.

To the people saying she’s protesting too much, you obviously have never been through this personally, it takes over your life and makes you question everything.

OP I went through this 5 years ago with a family member, it was horrendous, when she realised she couldn’t manipulate me she spread rumours about me, some so bad it could have put me in a position of having my children taken away if anyone took her seriously. She did everything she could to split me and DH up.Her hatred for me was that bad.
We had our car followed, we had to get police involved, but to the outside world she’s a lovely woman who wouldn’t harm a fly, portraying the innocent victim. I got to a point where I was scared to answer my door.
At first I did as you are now, desperately tried to defend myself & let people know the rumours weren’t true, then one day it clicked. ANY attention she got was good attention to her. She fed on it and loved it.

We just started to completely blank her, any contact we would just log with police and not give any reaction whatsoever. It eventually stopped. They do try their luck every so often, most recently my Facebook, but I swiftly blocked them and any of their friends and forgot about it.

Please just stop any contact, block, delete, move on. TRUST me. It’s the only way.

@Sunsetjoy so pleased you came out the other side with this.
It's exactly the same as the woman who has done this to me "I'm just a mother who doesn't want any drama,she keeps bringing it to my door,she's crazy,she's threatened me etc etc "
She will be this caring,considerate person to these people (it's a act)
As she's had affairs with friends husband (denied it and called her crazy then tried to turn people against her )
The things she's done I could write a book.
She's so jealous and bitter..I guess I should feel sorry for her.

10 days ago I felt like this was it,so so unhappy and couldn't see things getting better.
I felt like I had no right left.
She was ruining my name,tried to get my mum taken away (before she died) would have loved me in jail or worse.

I feel a lot lot better but I'm scared to smile incase she try's something else.

Look on a practical level you say you have t engaged with her in 8 months, the “friends” who have turned against you, you rarely see - even if you previously spoke on the phone.

I’m assuming that it’s fairly easy for you to avoid them - they’re not people that you have to come into any contact with?

Block them all from your social media, phone etc. And just get on with your life. You’re better than tbis - and constantly going over it won’t do any good.

@briebuiltthiscity yeah I don't have to see them.
They live 15 mins away and I wouldn't really bump into them.
Maybe on nights out (but with Covid doubt it )

OP, I'm sorry you're in such an unhappy place and I think some of the PPs' responses to you are overly harsh. It's obviously a preoccupation with you, but the line your manipulator will use is that it's you who are obsessed, because she's playing on your own insecurities in order to give exactly that impression.

Please don't give her what she wants.

Manipulators like this choose their victims carefully. You've just had a major loss (and condolences to you on that loss ) and it's not a state which is conducive to rational thinking or clear-headed decision making. I don't mean this as a slight - I also lost my mum and it's a devastating experience). Of course you feel shattered, confused and bereft in the wake of that bereavement, and who wouldn't?

Unfortunately it's often been the case IME - and in the experiences of others who I know - that people will truly show their hands to you in times of greatest need. After my mother's death there are some people (including sadly my in-laws) whose shameful behaviour has put me permanently at a distance from them. And they're not missed. Other people came up trumps when I least expected it. Sadly these situations will usually show you who is truly your friend in life - and who isn't.

OP - if these people can use your grief and pain as fodder for their own egos and nasty tattling gossip-mongering, don't do them the courtesy of explaining anything. They deserve no such explanation. If they want to think ill of you, fine - why waste your time trying to change their minds? You've just had to say goodbye to the person who meant most to you in life. In comparison this situation is small stuff, and these people are small fry. They really, truly are.

Concentrate on acknowledging your grief and going through that process, and allow yourself the space you need to heal.

And block, block, block.

I've been through this a couple of times- it's always at work with me as unfortunately I think my line of work attracts this narcissistic type of person.
The first time it happened, I had to walk away from my job and leave behind a lot of people I thought were friends. It really affected me badly and I always felt ashamed that I couldn't handle the situation. I vowed if it happened to me again I would do all I could to fight back.
Well its happened to me again more recently, and I have fought back. It's not been easy, its taken a hell of a long time and not fighting in the way you'd think.
The core secret is to NOT REACT.
Literally just grey rock the individual, thereby not giving them any ammo. Then try and figure out what they've said about you and through your actions and words just prove them wrong, over and over again. Don't ever bring up what they have or you believe they have said to anyone. Don't even show unhappiness at the mention of their name, only neutrality. They are just someone you know. Don't react even if you think people are smirking because of what they have said. Just take that as confirmation that is a subject that has been twisted against you, and subtly show that the opposite is true. Show and tell of the positive things that you do that are the opposite of the lies that are being told or insinuated. Plaster your virtues as much as possible without being overbearing about them of course! You have to be subtle here and never take the victim mentality.
The two women that were her friends coming in, you need to accept that they were never your friends actually. I'm sorry, they sound as bad as her, and I do understand it is heartbreaking, gut wrenching. It makes you question everyone in your life almost.
If you have someone you can trust, really trust, then okay you could think about swearing them to secrecy and telling all to them, just to get it off your chest, but don't expect understanding as most people just don't get it. I have been so surprised at people who I thought were quite strong willed and emotionally intelligent have fallen for narcs's lies and manipulation hook line and sinker. They can be so charismatic.
Good luck. Remember it is not your fault, the lies they tell are not true, no matter how much they want you to believe them
Sorry about your mum

I'm really trying my best to put it behind me.
It's just scary to think it might trigger my anxiety /depression again.
Sometimes it pays to be a nasty person.
You seem to get better thought of.

I don't think they are better thought of, really. But people tend to go along with it so that they themselves don't become a target.
OP the fact that you are worrying about this tells me that you don't have it in you to be a nasty person.
If you are ever tempted to contact any of these again, why not write a letter with everything you want to say in it? Don't post it, just write it all down, then bin it. As you put it in the bin, you can say 'Into the bin with you, scum queen' (a misquote from one of my favourite films). or something like that.

Sometimes it pays to be a nasty person.
You seem to get better thought of

Your statement needs challenging - what real evidence do you have that it pays to behave badly? What evidence do you have that someone who behaves in a nasty way is 100% a bad person? What evidence do you have that if you behave badly you will be better thought of? This is important because It is that kind of thinking (absolutist and irrational) that fuels a depressed state. You do have a choice about how you frame this episode; you’re not responsible for others’ behaviour but you do have responsibility for how you make yourself feel about the episode. There’s a lot of good advice about how tackle this and move on and I’m sure you’ll get there. You might benefit from something like CBT to help you manage your thoughts, particularly about yourself and to help you put behaviours in place that help you to manage your mood better and in a more resilient way. This episode, while unpleasant, doesn’t have to dictate how you feel longer term. That’s not blaming you for the way you feel, it’s saying that your response can be changed.

Wendys and narcs do end up with loads of supporters around them, and their victims suffer actual harm as a result of their behaviour. Its bullying. The victims become isolated. So yes, being nasty pays.

Being honest or nice often doesn't pay, but we don't do it for payment. It has to be its own reward.

@alltheleavesarebrownnn

I'm really trying my best to put it behind me. It's just scary to think it might trigger my anxiety /depression again. Sometimes it pays to be a nasty person. You seem to get better thought of.

No. It doesnt pay to be a nasty person.

It pays to become resilient.

So many of us have been through really shitty experiences but honestly what gave me comfort the last time was knowing that my actions were not out of keeping with my values.

It pays to decide who you want to be, and be that person! That's in your power.

You are feeling too low to tune in to that right now so focus on feeling a little bit less low right now.

It pays to be a person who takes no shit but who also does no harm.

🍷🍀