Page 4 | Narcissist turned people against me..aibu to fight back?

alltheleavesarebrownnn · 2020-09-26T10:33:18+00:00

She told many lies about me. Used things about me she knew and twisted them. Contacted the police with lies (proven to be lies ) but she did it anonymously. No matter how hard I try with these people they don't believe that she's lying. They've fallen for it all. She's flipped it that I'm the crazy one who she's had to put up with abuse for years. The more I tried to prove it..she said I was obsessed with her. I don't know how to prove what she is.

hollieberrie · 26/09/2020 13:54

This has happened to me. It was honestly one of the worst times of my life so totally get it OP. I spent about 6 months trying to fight it and make people realise but to no avail, then the penny dropped that I would never win. I changed jobs and moved away. I'm over it now but it was hell at the time. As other have said, best to go grey rock and cut them all out of your life.

Original poster

alltheleavesarebrownnn · 26/09/2020 13:56

It's just hard because I thought me and this other friend (who I met through here ) were really close now.
Spoke daily
It's hard to understand how someone can hate you yet speak to you daily.

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MsKeats · 26/09/2020 13:56

@hollieberrie

This has happened to me. It was honestly one of the worst times of my life so totally get it OP. I spent about 6 months trying to fight it and make people realise but to no avail, then the penny dropped that I would never win. I changed jobs and moved away. I'm over it now but it was hell at the time. As other have said, best to go grey rock and cut them all out of your life.

I have a couple of narc near me including my ex - my only option now is say nothing and move away. They 'win' as in I'm gone -I win as I don't have to deal with it any more.

Original poster

alltheleavesarebrownnn · 26/09/2020 13:58

Do you think this other friend is also a narcissist too?

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AstiniMartini · 26/09/2020 14:01

My narcisist did the whole love bombing thing as a friend at first,

My own mother embraced her at my wedding and said with tears in her eyes; 'thank you for being so lovely to my daughter'.

I already at that point knew i was in fairly deep trouble with this person and was trying to actively manage our 'friendship' with her.

Thing is - when you start reading about the MO of a narcissist it is all tick box... this then this and this. It is terrifying

Sexykitten2005 · 26/09/2020 14:02

You’ve posted about this multiple times before and gotten exactly the same advice each time. You need to move on, stop letting these people In Your head and instead focus on grieving for your mother/working out what you want from life now.
I gave lots of advice on your last thread. I’m not going to repeat it all except to say the more you Focus on this the more obsessed you appear and the more those “friends” of yours are enjoying your pain and upset. They are loving this so don’t give them the satisfaction

Sexykitten2005 · 26/09/2020 14:03

Oh and stop trying to diagnose people. They just don’t like you anymore. They aren’t nice people anyway. Sometime people are just cunts, they don’t need to have a label to explain their behaviour and by armchair analysing then you are making excuses for their behaviour

oakleaffy · 26/09/2020 14:06

Completely ignore.
That gives her nothing to push against.

SchrodingersImmigrant · 26/09/2020 14:12

@Sexykitten2005

Oh and stop trying to diagnose people. They just don’t like you anymore. They aren’t nice people anyway. Sometime people are just cunts, they don’t need to have a label to explain their behaviour and by armchair analysing then you are making excuses for their behaviour

I agree with that.

happinessischocolate · 26/09/2020 14:14

@alltheleavesarebrownnn

I'm going to try and put it behind me now. Let it all go and hopefully be happier. If they were my actual friend they should have told her they didn't want to know. Not turn on me and call me a liar etc What a shit year it's been this year

Good, now do it.

Every time you start thinking about any of them, just say to yourself NO STOP, it'll take a week or maybe 2 but you now have to train your brain to think about something else. Download a puzzle app, watch a box set, anything to just stop the thoughts, and distract yourself.

In 2-3 weeks time when you've successfully removed yourself from the situation in your head, then start analysing the behaviour of the instigator and the "friends" but for now, no thoughts about any of them are allowed.

Dillydallyingthrough · 26/09/2020 14:14

Agree with others, I appreciate this is hurtful but you need to block them and ignore them all. You say your real friends have stood by you, that's great, concentrate on them otherwise you will push them away if you continue to obsess over this. Please take some time to grieve for your mother

Mummyoflittledragon · 26/09/2020 14:14

My 12 yo dd has been going through these sort of issues with another child. She and her mother are targeting my dd. The mother lodged a complaint with the school. The girl has made an all out assault against dd to turn friends against her and has been slagging dd off to anyone, who will listen. The mother has said things about my dd... possibly me as well around the village. There is no point fighting it. You just need to move on. This girl made our life hell on and off for the past 4 months as we desperately tried to support and contain her - she is really screwed up.

There is no fighting this. Rise above. Ignore. The faster you do this, the quicker your abuser will move on. The truth will out.

andyoldlabour · 26/09/2020 14:16

OP, you will have to distance yourself completely from this person, a bit like cutting oxygen off from a fire, give them no fuel.
My wife and I have been married for thirty years, but right from the start, my younger sister (unknown to myself) was spreading lies and stories about my wife and I to other relations and friends. Most of the people believed her, but one relation didn't and told me what had been said.
That relation fell out with her and then we both started to receive poison pen letters from my sister. A horrible situation, but I have cut myself off from her. If other people wish to believe her instead of us, then so be it, they wouldn't be friends anyway.
I hope that you manage to sort your situation out.

LaLaLandIsNoFun · 26/09/2020 14:27

Yup. Destroyed my life since I had children - with two of them.

Stop. Block.

Devlesko · 26/09/2020 14:31

These people aren't your friends, for your own sanity and peace of mind you have to move on.
The narcissist will trip herself up soon enough.

Snorkelface · 26/09/2020 14:34

Grey rock, no contact, nothing, anything else and you're just feeding the beast.

CatMagic · 26/09/2020 14:36

The friends are the "flying monkeys". You won't win. Slander (i.e. rumours), insults of character and just general defamation, lies and the resulted isolation of the victim are absolute hallmarks. You just have to walk away, and trust that you have had the last laugh by doing so. Some really good videos on you tube about this. Her channel name is "live abuse free". Very specific and honest advice on dealing with this kind of abuse.

MyShinyWhiteTeeth · 26/09/2020 14:42

It really is like banging your head against a brick wall when trying to deal with people like this.

They are experts at doing what they do and will always come out on top. They pick on people that lack the necessary skills and experience to effectively defend and counter attack. It will only bring you down to her level anyway so you can't win.

Original poster

alltheleavesarebrownnn · 26/09/2020 14:43

I'm just gonna tell myself these "friends" must not have liked me much if they believed her so easy.
I wouldn't believe so fast

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WorrierorWarrior · 26/09/2020 14:43

It seems like most people think that "the narc or whatever" should be allowed to carry on and the "victim" just has to take it.
I think that situation would be likely to cause serious mental health issues in some people.

Melroses · 26/09/2020 14:51

@Sexykitten2005

Oh and stop trying to diagnose people. They just don’t like you anymore. They aren’t nice people anyway. Sometime people are just cunts, they don’t need to have a label to explain their behaviour and by armchair analysing then you are making excuses for their behaviour

I did get caught up with a very manipulative person that I had to disentangle from, and it does leave you questioning yourself and everything.

It is very tempting to try and make sense of it, but the best thing is to walk away and find something new - a distraction, hobby, exercise, whatever, to put your energy into, even if it is just doing jigsaws

WhenPushComesToShove · 26/09/2020 14:52

Just cut them out of your life. Sever all
connections. It's the only way

MyShinyWhiteTeeth · 26/09/2020 14:56

These people are not normal and won't give up easily. Avoidance and keeping your distance may look like not standing up for yourself but I think it's the least energy draining approach if they think they've won and lose interest and start on someone else.

Original poster

alltheleavesarebrownnn · 26/09/2020 14:57

You know the worst bit is I've actually sat and thought is it me?
Then thought no it's not.
I'm not going to lie I was guilty of asking friend number 2 why she so easy believed it.
She must have seriously hated me to go to these lengths.

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FedUpofBeingMyself · 26/09/2020 15:02

You can’t win against these type of people. Well you can maybe I mean you can’t fight against these type of People.

You need to 100% remove yourself totally away physically and mentally and remove them from your mind. Move far away. Block numbers etc etc.
Keep a diary of events in case you are reported falsely repeatedly
It’s really hard you have to remember that any reaction is just fuel for the narcissist I should know 2 close family members are like this and I have asd so struggled hugely with the injustice of it all but you have to just get away from whoever it is