Narcissist turned people against me..aibu to fight back?

[alltheleavesarebrownnn]

She told many lies about me.
Used things about me she knew and twisted them.
Contacted the police with lies (proven to be lies ) but she did it anonymously.
No matter how hard I try with these people they don't believe that she's lying.
They've fallen for it all.
She's flipped it that I'm the crazy one who she's had to put up with abuse for years.
The more I tried to prove it..she said I was obsessed with her.
I don't know how to prove what she is.

@WorrierorWarrior

It seems like most people think that "the narc or whatever" should be allowed to carry on and the "victim" just has to take it. I think that situation would be likely to cause serious mental health issues in some people.

But the narc wants you to stand up for yourself and argue back that's the whole point of the all lies, they love the drama. If they were doing it simply because they didn't like you anymore, they would just drop you and move on. It's like quicksand, the more you fight the more you get sucked in.

@WorrierorWarrior

It seems like most people think that "the narc or whatever" should be allowed to carry on and the "victim" just has to take it. I think that situation would be likely to cause serious mental health issues in some people.

It makes more sense as a strategy if you see the narcissist as the predator they are. If you encountered a tiger you don't waste your energy being angry at it for being so dangerous, or wish it would feel ashamed for trying to eat you. You accept it's their nature and just steer well clear.

Don't wrestle with pigs. You'll both get dirty and the pig likes it.

I had a similar situation. I stopped contact with the people who believed her. I took the stance they’d known me a lot longer and knew me a lot better than her, and if they were then still thick enough to choose to believe her, they weren’t the people I thought they were, that I wanted or trusted as friends.

Making sense of them in that way, made their betrayal easier for me to move forward from, and took away some of my upset.

Would I can't understand is I was a good friend to her.
She changed as soon as I got friends with her friends
She didn't like us hanging out together.
She even said to them you pick me or her.
We can't all socialise together

There is no point trying to analyse it or understand it. I agree with everyone else, cut off her oxygen by not engaging with her or anyone else within that group. As someone upthread said, “grey rock”. If you want someone else to change their behaviour first change yours, and that’s what you have to do. I suspect that when you’ve moved on and no longer care about all this you’ll find other people will pop up who have had the same thing happen to them. Once you’ve detached she will move on to the next target. Will she get her comeuppance? Maybe, maybe not, but she is probably deeply unhappy.

As for others in the circle being narcissists; I think one has to be careful labelling people with personality disorders. It’s better to put your mind to spending time with good friends and building new friendships. As for the things she’s said about you, I expect there is a silent majority who are not convinced by her and if what she’s said are lies about you then she will be found out and your lack of engagement will, in the end, speak volumes and cast shade on what she’s said. But keep engaging and you’ll fuel the problem.

She doesn’t hate you as much as she hates herself.

My ex does this. He paints himself as victim and says the most horrible things to people about me. And to people I once thought were friends.

It's been nearly 3 years. I've kept my mouth shut and my head down. He's still doing it but actually people are starting to realise the truth.

Honestly it's incredibly hard and there are days when I want to scream and shout but I don't. It's the right way - keep quiet and say nothing.

My narcissist ex friend wrecked my marriage and is still trying to get people to fish for information from me.

If you want, you could send friends a brief message saying: I'm sorry you believed these stories about me. I hoped you knew me better than that. If in the future you start to feel X is manipulating you, get in touch. I'll understand.

Then steer clear of them all.

Yeah you have to just ignore it all.

I had this. An ex painted me as a cheater and crazy, obsessed, drama seeking, spiteful person. All our friends took his side.

Funnily enough, 2 years later and he's treated one of them the same way he did me and she's dropped him like a hot potato.

But what's even more interesting is that he's denying that. He's actually gone from spending 5-6 days a week with her to none but still talks as if he does.

^^ this

Yeah ignore and trust me their true colours show through! Ok it may take time but eventually their masks slip. Don’t fight, don’t give your energy, get on with your life and appear as boring as possible to them.

They thrive on drama and intent is to hurt you even though you haven’t done anything wrong but their narcissistic rages aren’t normal are they?! So they don’t care, they are always victims and they are never wrong. They are disgusting toxic people and yes they appear charming and lovely and sometimes well lots of time’s it’s hard to explain how they behave and are but the one narcissist I know as lost her adult kids , bar one who takes after them anyway and barely sees the Grandkids, Is still moaning. And miserable whilst life passes by.

Best thing is ignore and focus on YOU and YOUR life, don’t worry if they don’t believe it, it’s not worth it. You know the truth and those worth it will too.

they love the drama. If they were doing it simply because they didn't like you anymore, they would just drop you and move on. It's like quicksand, the more you fight the more you get sucked in.

The above is spot on.

The more you struggle the deeper you'll sink until you end up drowning

It's hard, but let it go. Look at it as drawing her into her own web - you aren' "running away", you are making a strategic retreat to draw your enemy out beyond where she can rely on her defences. She'll step out to far one day, and lose all credibility.

Don't engage.

She can\t win a fight with no opponent.

And you can't lose one.

@monkeyonthetable

If you want, you could send friends a brief message saying: I'm sorry you believed these stories about me. I hoped you knew me better than that. If in the future you start to feel X is manipulating you, get in touch. I'll understand.

Then steer clear of them all.

Please don't do this. It will just give them more to talk about and be used as proof that you've got it in for her....

OP I've been there you need to step back ignore you're "friends" and her and basically do not engage.

Anytime someone mentions her just say hmmm really and feign disinterest. The more you try to defend yourself the more crazy you look and the more it fuels them to continue.

I found this out the hard way unfortunately for myself. I was taken to the police station and questioned about harassing my narc. When I was able to provide evidence that I wasn't and disprove the allegations she brushed it off to anyone that I had used a different phone etc and that's how I got away with it.

The allegations were utterly false. I didn't even have her contact details.

I was Internet stalked by her and her "converts" some previous friends, others people I knew of but had never had a conversation with. It was horrific. She made up awful lies and I lost all of my friends even people who I'd known most of my life.

The more I protested the more crazy I looked and the more obsessed I looked and the more she played and looked the victim.

The mask slipped a bit and some people found out what the truth was like and apologised but the damage was done after years of suffering I nearly had a breakdown. I moved hundreds of miles away and stopped giving a shit.

It was then that her unhealthy interest in me was exposed. I met now DH and she began messaging him to my horror(they had never been in the same town never mind met) she still spread rumours.

I used to hear about them and just laugh and say how silly or oh really and shrug it off. At that point she got bored and moved onto her next victim.

You can't win against these people you need to play the long game pretending its boring and waiting it out until they get bored, fake it until you make it as they say

I agree, it's too late to send any text message to say that you hope they saw you for who you are or anything like that.

Sending any kind of text will be seen as an attempt to manipulate their emotions! An attempt to make them feel guilty!

And maybe they should feel guilty but they are not going to be made to feel guilty by you. Perhaps they will come to that conclusion on their own.

@alltheleavesarebrownnn

The best thing you can do is accept that this happened, it's behind you and research how to best make sure it doesn't happen again. Maybe you were just really unlucky. Maybe it will never happen again! I don't mean to project on to you.

@SugarPlumRoar wow, that was some smear campaign. That's the thing with these types, they will perpetrate a smear campaign against you and they will also simultaneously genuinely feel like they were the victim of YOU. Did you say no to her or defend a small boundary or ask her not to misrepresent you or some other tiny slight against her ego?

@WiserOwl it was horrific and a very dark period in my life, I don't think I've ever felt more alone and of course there were people who thrived off the drama and would try stir things up, it took me a while to realise that they were doing this and were not in fact my friends.

In my case my narc had some very negative things to say about a mutual friend and I had the audacity to refuse to badmouth her and stop speaking with her. So her attention turned to me. Sadly said mutual friend was delighted to not be the target and was happy to be back in favour and joined in her campaign against myself.

I often think she must have convinced herself that she was the victim and truly believed the things she said I did otherwise I can't explain the vile campaign and hate against me

What a horrible experience. Being a better person shamed her for a split second before she projected that on to you. Awful. :-/
She must have been a top of the class narcissist to get in touch with your new boyfriend who she had never met after you had already moved away. That shows an absolutely pathalogical level of narcissism. 🍷🍷🍷😥

Sorry for late reply to questions I was out with a friend yesterday and had such a nice time.
Last week I did message the girl who I text /meet up with etc and said
"I thought we were friends,apologies if that wasn't the case,I'm sorry you listened to all her lies,you should have let me explain"

Her reply was .."we are not friends,we have met about 20 times,texting every day and phone calls doesn't mean friends,I don't have any friends,I trust nobody"

What do you make of that ?

Seriously you need to move on. They don’t sound like nice people. You have other friends.

You shouldn't have text that. You really need to cut this off, I've been there.

I don't think you're there yet, you're still in the midst of the drama, it is prolonging the pain of the situation.

I haven’t seen your other thread so don’t know what the backstory is here - but honestly from reading on face value alone - you’ve fallen out with someone who has two long term friends who you know through them. They’ve taken her side (which is what one would expect). Your chasing them and bad-mouthing their longer term friend.

Is I gather there is way more to it - but honestly stop investing your energy in this. They may find out what she’s like, they may not - but it really doesn’t matter. As she’s said - you’ve met what 20 times - so it doesn’t matter.

Remember there are lots of lovely people out there. Concentrate on making new friends. You know you haven't done anything wrong, you don't need their approval
Some people just love the drama

If you say you have proof she wasted police time then surely follow up with that?

How exactly did she make 3 of your friends block you though?

@alltheleavesarebrownnn

It's just hard because I thought me and this other friend (who I met through here ) were really close now. Spoke daily It's hard to understand how someone can hate you yet speak to you daily.

Oh this is a public shaming thread then as you know they'll read it?

It's amazing how common this incredibly rare mental illness is....

@Elsewyre I think she meant “met through her”