Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Narcissist turned people against me..aibu to fight back?

148 replies

alltheleavesarebrownnn · 26/09/2020 11:33

She told many lies about me.
Used things about me she knew and twisted them.
Contacted the police with lies (proven to be lies ) but she did it anonymously.
No matter how hard I try with these people they don't believe that she's lying.
They've fallen for it all.
She's flipped it that I'm the crazy one who she's had to put up with abuse for years.
The more I tried to prove it..she said I was obsessed with her.
I don't know how to prove what she is.

OP posts:
Legoandloldolls · 26/09/2020 12:20

I'm not 100% sure the person in my life is a narcissist but they do this pattern with everyone and cried about lack of attention when I was 2 days post giving birth....

They bitched about me behind my back to the entire extended family and at the time it was weird as one by one relatives started to blank us and pull away from us. We didnt know why. We would do one minor thing to make a relative think badly ( eg I tried a sip of alcohol at a family bbq as I hadn't tasted that one before but I was 6 months pg) so at the time this person followed me to the kitchen and told me that I had upset x who was trying forca baby and y who's child had ASD so I left the bbq. No one there has ever talked me since so I presumed when I left they was back filled with poison about me, just for tasting a drink, I didnt drink it!

This then turned into a pattern and slowly all the family seem to dislike us.

The thing is, now Mrs Narc gets upset that we dont ever see any family, I just tell her it's so weird as they all seem to dislike us now and they make me uncomfortable.

So I never confronted them. It's sad but ultimately Mrs Narc has been twigged as a bitchcy person and I will never ever been in any family event with or without her ever again. I hope that's what she wanted as it's been too long to mend bridges.

The main thing going forward is to keep them at arms length from every one that I care about. Unfortunately for them, that means I keep at arms length too. I hope that was their desired outcome.

Now with FB and being free to spread hatred I have people private message me asking if this person has been hacked or mentally unwell. Unfortunately now people can see it for what it is, but for me the damage is done and too much time has passed.

diddl · 26/09/2020 12:22

How long have you all been friends?

It is so hard to believe that they would all believe her & drop you tbh.

Even though they know you they think that you are capable of what she has said?

Why would a true friend believe her over you?

WiserOwl · 26/09/2020 12:25

This is a landmine of a situation.

I hate that the only advice is to walk away but for now at least it is true that you need to NOT REACT.

Defend yourself legally though but without communicating with her at all. Block anybody who is a mutual friend. Unless it's a relative and then unfollow them and make no effort to contact them.

VettiyaIruken · 26/09/2020 12:27

Are you the poster who's 'friend' reported falsely that you were financially abusing your mother?

If not, have a read of that thread. It might be helpful to chat with someone going through the same thing.

You need to move on from the lot of them.

People believe what they want to believe.

alltheleavesarebrownnn · 26/09/2020 12:27

@diddl these 3 friends I met through are and it's only been a year.
She tried it with long standing mutual friends and they seen through it.
These 3 and her have also been friends over 10 years.

OP posts:
WiserOwl · 26/09/2020 12:28

@diddl

How long have you all been friends?

It is so hard to believe that they would all believe her & drop you tbh.

Even though they know you they think that you are capable of what she has said?

Why would a true friend believe her over you?

It's not hard to believe at all! People do not take a stand. They do not risk their own inclusion within a group.

They may in time contact the OP and she may have one:one relationships with some of them, but the group has changed and they are STILL IN THE GROUP. That is valuable to most people. So the scapegoating narcissist chooses who is excluded from the group and bystanders feel relief first and foremost.

alltheleavesarebrownnn · 26/09/2020 12:28

@VettiyaIruken I am.
Sorry for posting again,I just can't get it all out of my head

OP posts:
alltheleavesarebrownnn · 26/09/2020 12:29

They started a new group chat without me.
These 3 girls have previously slagged her off and said they knew she had a "vendetta" against me but now for some reason they are all for her.

OP posts:
feistyoneyouare · 26/09/2020 12:31

@Hobnobswantshernameback

The more I read of your obsessive posting about this the more I begin to wonder who the real problem is
Then you've clearly never had a narcissist attempt to wreck your life.
WiserOwl · 26/09/2020 12:33

@alltheleavesarebrownnn this doesn't help you right now, but step out of the role of scapegoat so that this doesn't happen to you AGAIN. I believe you. I've been through this a few times. They call it wendying on mumsnet and it sounds like you've been on the receiving end of an extreme Wendy. Teal Swan may have stirred up some controversy with her bizarre comments about suicide but I like what she says about being a scapegoat in this article. this and watch all of the videos she lists Also, carry on building yourself up and taking care of yourself.

GarlicMonkey · 26/09/2020 12:35

'Grey rock' method is the only thing you can do. Cut off the supply of drama & she'll go away.

islockdownoveryet · 26/09/2020 12:39

I agree every good advice , do not react .
That's what she wants a reaction, to play the victim.
These friends of hers aren't friends, I'm sorry they have turned against you .
Some things aren't worth fighting and the mask will slip one day .
Let it go and move on .

WiserOwl · 26/09/2020 12:40

ps, I have spent about three years now researching this (on line, youtube, papers about bullying and books about bullying) and I get it now. The scapegoating narcissists detect your residual role in your family of origin and they have a few tactics to take you down a peg. Perhaps you defended some small boundary and they saw it as an attack on their self-concept (held together with defensiveness, denial and blind spots). Perhaps for a moment you said or did something which made them for a split second confront their real self and they felt shame. That makes you the villain in her eyes.

You cannot win here. There is nothing you can say to her that will make her feel any shame that she doesn't externalise and project straight back on to you.

I guess Dale Carnegie said it in his book ''how to win friends and influence people''. NOBODY ever thins they've done anything wrong!

All you can do @alltheleavesarebrownnn is research the FUCK out of this issue so that it doesn't happen to you again.

That's what I've done and I'm not there yet because even that very act of becoming more impervious to scapegoating can upset the 'order' around you amongst people who previously saw you as nervous /hesitant.

WiserOwl · 26/09/2020 12:42

There are always people who don't get this!

But then, that makes sense. These scapegoating narcissists choose their targets quite carefully.

Pesimistic · 26/09/2020 12:44

The best thing to do is step away from it all. You cannot win against a narcissist, eventually the others will find out the true nature of this person. But for your own sake just wash your hands of them block and delete if possible if you see them in life avoid

murasaki · 26/09/2020 12:44

OP, are you the poster where they accused you of financially abusing your mother? If so, you have posted about this several times, and received the same advice over and over to ignore it. There is nothing you can do. I understand your frustration, but move on.

Notimeforaname · 26/09/2020 12:45

WiserOwl you really live up to you name.

You have just described how my sister worked me...my whole childhood and up to my mid 20s. I've only been researching it for about a year now but am gobsmacked at how she really is a 'textbook' covert narc. They all follow the same rules!

Notimeforaname · 26/09/2020 12:46

wiserowl also do you have any recommendations for videos or reading material? I've just been watching and reading things by Dr Ramani. I've learnt a lot.

Seventybillionnamechanges · 26/09/2020 12:49

[quote alltheleavesarebrownnn]@diddl these 3 friends I met through are and it's only been a year.
She tried it with long standing mutual friends and they seen through it.
These 3 and her have also been friends over 10 years.[/quote]
To be fair - they were her friends “coming in” and now are her friends going out.
Forget it- ignore and move on.

alltheleavesarebrownnn · 26/09/2020 12:51

@WiserOwl you have just hit the nail on the head with all of that.
It's so baffling tho how they get away with it.
Almost like they have split personality.

OP posts:
TheRealHousewife · 26/09/2020 12:51

You absolutely have my sympathy @alltheleavesarebrownnn!

We are in a similar scenario and it’s utterly soul destroying. The sense of injustice one feels feeds the perpetual cycle of despair, sleeplessness and loss of well being.

I have no advice other than try to not react as they are the type of personality who will deliberately press buttons (as well as encouraging others); they then have a skill in twisting your reaction to make it look like you're the perpetrator and they are the victim. Take solace in that people like that can’t possess any inner contentment or happiness. Truly vile people!

Look after yourself the best way you can Flowers

alltheleavesarebrownnn · 26/09/2020 12:52

@Seventybillionnamechanges you would think they would be able to see right from wrong.
I guess they don't care as they aren't receiving end of it.

OP posts:
Gingernaut · 26/09/2020 12:52

In this situation, all you can do is say nothing.

Any 'friend' who believes her has to be dumped, no mention of her from you to them and move on.

Live your life as happily as you can without looking back.

Pretty soon, she'll do this to someone else as you've stopped interacting with her and her 'flying monkeys' who you just know are reporting everything you say about her back to her.

Without this narcissistic supply from you, she'll need it from someone else.

Then she'll pick on someone who currently regards her as a very good friend.

TheShepherdsCrown · 26/09/2020 12:53

@WhoWants2Know

If people believe shit about me, I don't waste my time trying to convince them otherwise! Fuck them. Life is short and there are plenty of non assholes to befriend.
This. In spades. OP any person who chooses to either believe the bullshit narcissists spout, or sit back and allow it because it’s not directed at them is not a friend. They along with the narcissist are not worth your time, your energy or the pain they have caused. Screw them. Something similar happened to me many years ago. My friends didn’t believe or accept her lies. They knew me. Those that did listen were people not worth knowing, and they eventually ended up on the receiving end. No fucking sympathy for them. People like that who wallow in the sewers will always smell of shit.
diddl · 26/09/2020 12:53

[quote alltheleavesarebrownnn]@diddl these 3 friends I met through are and it's only been a year.
She tried it with long standing mutual friends and they seen through it.
These 3 and her have also been friends over 10 years.[/quote]
So her friends?

Perhaps that explains why they have so easily believed her?

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.