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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would you send your child to private school if you could afford to?

301 replies

Diadora30 · 26/09/2020 09:55

A bit of a dilemma, my DS is due to start school next year, we live in a small village in the south west and the local primary is a 5 minute walk. It is rated as a ‘good’ school by Ofsted (I know ofsted reports are not the be all and end all).

In the next town there is an independent school with a pre prep, prep and senior school. It has amazing facilities and I’ve heard really good things about the teaching, there’s smaller class sizes and the pastoral care is meant to be excellent. It would be a 15-20 min drive to get there.

It would cost about 8% of our income for the next 3 years, and then slightly more as he progressed to higher years.

I don’t know why, but I feel torn. Has anyone else been in a similar situation?

Does it make a difference in the long term? Is it worth sending him to our village primary and then paying for some extra curricular activities instead?

He’s very energetic and loves all sports and the independent school is very sports based.

OP posts:
nowlook · 27/09/2020 11:13

I have two in private school (one prep; one senior). Here's the downsides in our case :

  • Classes are so small at prep that it's sometimes difficult to field a team from one year group for sports fixtures;
-Little involvement/influence when it comes to school policies (no PTA); -DS1 (13) is not very street-wise compared to others his age; -Difficulty in moving to the state system if we wanted to/had to because there are differences in the curriculum (albeit many areas of overlap); -The pressure of sustaining current level of income; -Lack of independent approach to learning (quite a bit of spoon-feeding for the 13 plus).

For balance, here are the pros in our case:

  • Good facilities, particularly at senior level. Large schools but with fewer pupils have made the return during COVID straightforward;
-In early years, the wrap around care allowed both of us to work full-time; -A more diverse intake than our local rural village school; -(Lighthearted) No hassle about taking holidays in term-time Grin.
iloveruby · 27/09/2020 11:23

@BuggeredItUpAgain

I chose not to privately educate my children despite being able to afford to. My GP left me money to spend on dc’s education but the local schools are ok and the nearest independent is 45 minutes away. It seems wrong to just keep the money so I donate the cost of the independent school to the state school my dc’s attend. It’s actually been a huge help for the school and it’s really lovely to see the money actually go towards something tangible that lots of kids can benefit from.
Whilst I think this is very admirable, I personally would struggle to not give my child the opportunity to go to an independent school (assuming it is better), and instead send them to an 'ok' local school.
Happyotamus · 27/09/2020 11:31

Yes, without any hesitation.

Mumratheevergiving · 27/09/2020 11:50

@iloveruby but presumably you think it’s fine for all the other children to go to the ‘ok’ school. That’s the difficulty isn’t it that instead of improving schools for all the people with most financial clout just opt their children out of the state system.

timeforanew · 27/09/2020 12:17

The thing is, a child who’s parents have donated 40k to a school will get first dips oneverything. Not enough SENDs provision - this child will not be the one who’s denied it. A class with known trouble makes - won‘t be the class this child is in. Limited money available for support - child with parents who donate a lot will get it. It’s not going to be an average school experience, but the best one this school can possibly provide.
State schools aren’t bad schools, but they tend to have to prioritize very harshly due to limited ressources. Donate enough, and you get an excellent experience. Have no money or influence, and get the leftovers.

Macncheeseballs · 27/09/2020 12:20

No

thedancingbear · 27/09/2020 12:25

Whilst I think this is very admirable, I personally would struggle to not give my child the opportunity to go to an independent school (assuming it is better), and instead send them to an 'ok' local school.

I agree with this. Fuck decency and altruism. Every man/woman for themselves!

iloveruby · 27/09/2020 12:43

[quote Mumratheevergiving]@iloveruby but presumably you think it’s fine for all the other children to go to the ‘ok’ school. That’s the difficulty isn’t it that instead of improving schools for all the people with most financial clout just opt their children out of the state system.[/quote]
I 100% agree with your statement in principle but until private schools are abolished or, education system significantly reformed, then people will still have to make these choices.

And l doubt that the donation of the equivalent of ones students private fees will make the systematic changes needed to improve the conditions of the school so it is on par to the independent school.

In the meantime the inheritance left to be spent on the childrens education has in fact been donated to a local school, with the children potentially missing out on a better education.

I'm not saying it is right or fair but it is the reality of the current situation.

bigredbath · 27/09/2020 12:44

We are planning to send DD to private school for primary and secondary. We can comfortably afford it (mortgage-free and have investments that will cover all her education costs including uni). For the schools we're considering, the facilities, sports, class sizes, specialist teaching and extracurricular activities are far better than anything offered in the state sector, even the nicer state primaries and state grammars. Some of the state schools nearby are very good (although we'd have to move to be in catchment) but having visited both, they aren't able to offer anything like the opportunities available in private.

I've also seen family members who have been badly let down in the state sector, and I had a bad experience myself, so I'm quite biased against it. I do think a local school is important though - we will be moving house so we can walk to to school. I wouldn't choose a school we had to drive to.

iloveruby · 27/09/2020 12:45

@thedancingbear

Whilst I think this is very admirable, I personally would struggle to not give my child the opportunity to go to an independent school (assuming it is better), and instead send them to an 'ok' local school.

I agree with this. Fuck decency and altruism. Every man/woman for themselves!

I agree that it is the decent and altruistic thing to do but wouldnt expect my children to miss out on a better education for my political beliefs.
DollyDoneMore · 27/09/2020 12:52

Would you send your child to private school if you could afford to?

Not in a million years.

All private schools inherently teach the nasty ideology that money and privilege are there to separate those with the resources to “better” themselves from those without. It is divisive and inegalitarian.

Schools should be about teaching children about their place in their community and the world, not separating kids into haves and have nots and perpetuating unearned privilege through the generations.

dontdisturbmenow · 27/09/2020 12:53

No and I'm glad I didn't. DD became good friends with a girl at Uni. She went to private schools from the age of 4. Her parents were not well off but believed it would give her the chances they never had.

She said to my DD that she always felt under pressure to be 'performing'. She took part in sporting activities she didn't care for because she was reminded how lucky she was to be able to going to private school.

Her schooling years were ok, but she doesn't hold any specific great memories. She felt under pressure to take academic subjects and then go to a too Uni studying for a career. She took Economics but after 2 years realised it just wasn't for her. She wants to do English and become a primary school teacher but her parents are quite upset and remind her what they've given up for her to get an education they didn't benefit from.

I would tell anyone to it consider it if they were happy with any choice their kids might make wirh their future even if they could have done the same regardless of their education. Also don't expect them to become friends with anyone well placed in the future.

The worse is to feel obligated because your parents chose to pay for one's education.

DollyDoneMore · 27/09/2020 12:55

I agree that it is the decent and altruistic thing to do but wouldnt expect my children to miss out on a better education for my political beliefs.

The institutional belief that private education system teaches is that what you earn is more important than who you are. That, for me, means that it is inherently a worse education than in the state sector.

iloveruby · 27/09/2020 12:58

So, living in a capitalist society, you would choose to send your child to a state school - even if it was failing - than a private school on principle?

How noble of you to use your childs education to teach such a valuable lesson.

iloveruby · 27/09/2020 13:00

@DollyDoneMore

I agree that it is the decent and altruistic thing to do but wouldnt expect my children to miss out on a better education for my political beliefs.

The institutional belief that private education system teaches is that what you earn is more important than who you are. That, for me, means that it is inherently a worse education than in the state sector.

So, living in a capitalist society, you would choose to send your child to a state school - even if it was failing - than a private school on principle?

How noble of you to use your childs education to teach such a valuable lesson

HappyMummy82 · 27/09/2020 13:01

No!! Definitely not. As a former private school pupil who had a horrid time at private school being bullied State school would be the way I would go for my son. Plus I work in a state school and the care you get in state schools I find is totally better than private school.

Heffersclub · 27/09/2020 13:03

We can and we don’t. They went to an outstanding infants, are at a good junior and will go to a big local comp that is rated as good but has a great local reputation for pastoral care in particular.
I want my children to mix with everyone not just the privileged. We’re both WC but our kids are MC really.
As kids in a high income household they are already at a huge advantage compared to many kids in the U.K.,
We can afford clubs and sports teams, we have the time and education to help our children with their schoolwork, we can afford music
Lessons and if they needed it we could afford a subject tutor if they needed it.
Save your money, put the cash away for their future and focus on the fact that the single most important thing for a child’s education success is how enraged their parents are in it - reading with them, doing. Homework, helping them Etc.

MuseumOfYou · 27/09/2020 13:04

Our local state high school is one of the best in the country, let alone the county. Parents sometimes go private in the earlier years but nearly all send their children to the high school. One of my DS's friends is the DD of a national treasure ( entertainment wise) who could presumably have chosen anywhere in the world. Nearly fell over when I saw them at parents day.

It just depends on the child and the school. One of my 4 DC's was educated privately, as the options were different at the time for her. There's been no different in their outcomes or attitudes to life to my other DC's.

Heffersclub · 27/09/2020 13:05

Engaged! Not enraged. FFS.

DollyDoneMore · 27/09/2020 13:06

Define “failing”. The subtext of lots of this knee-jerking is “I don’t want my child mixing with the riff-raff. I will use my wealth to make sure they don’t.”

Heffersclub · 27/09/2020 13:09

Also, some of the parents at the private schools... bloodly hell. Our kids play a sport that means they’re with a lot of upper MC/ privately educated children and the parents are just the kind of people you’d want to avoid - privileged, entitled and brimming with overconfidence. At the last tournament, where parents help score, we had a major issue with one of the posh dads cheating on the scoring in favour of his kid. They’re 7 FFS.
7, and that parent is going to cheat and elbow his way in front of that brat all through life if he can.

hibbledibble · 27/09/2020 13:11

In your situation I would use the village primary, to make local friends, and be part of the community. You can supplement by tutoring if required. Then consider private for secondary.

I would definitely choose private secondary, if I could afford to.

DollyDoneMore · 27/09/2020 13:11

@Heffersclub

Also, some of the parents at the private schools... bloodly hell. Our kids play a sport that means they’re with a lot of upper MC/ privately educated children and the parents are just the kind of people you’d want to avoid - privileged, entitled and brimming with overconfidence. At the last tournament, where parents help score, we had a major issue with one of the posh dads cheating on the scoring in favour of his kid. They’re 7 FFS. 7, and that parent is going to cheat and elbow his way in front of that brat all through life if he can.
Tbf, you get cunts at all levels of society.

What you are paying for a private school is the chance to mix with a higher class of cunt.

movingonup20 · 27/09/2020 13:24

Personally I would use the state primary with a view to going into private at 10. The difference at secondary is far higher plus you'll know what kind of school suits your child then eg academic, sporty, artsy etc. Put aside most the money you would have spent and maybe use a bit for enrichment activities etc travel

fewming · 27/09/2020 13:42

I definitely would like to, but with a good local state school I'd only do so if we could afford it without a big compromise on lifestyle (I.e if we could have the forever house in the location we want, with decent cars and an annual holiday). We can't so we didn't! 😆
It would also happen only if we knew we could afford it for future children.