Are we being unreasonable to want to force her?

[CutToChase]

My gran is in her late 80s and lives in England.
My parents live in Ireland.

My gran lives in this kind of place, I'm not sure what you call it: lots of self contained flats for elderly people, so it's not really a home, more like a kind of assisted living residence.

She has always been very independent.

She has all her marbles and is sharp as a tack. She was also a war child, so you know the drill: trooping on without complaint.

However her health has been deteriorating rapidly. She has had just about every type of cancer you can imagine. Now her cancer has become skin cancer. Her feet are swollen, some days she cant wear shoes. Last week her consultant told her the cancer had spread to her back. It turns out it was shingles.

We have started a campaign to try and get her to go over to live with my mum in ireland now. She has always said she wanted to do this. She can travel and is so happy when she is over there.

I've been calling her weekly (we all take turns) and yesterday I really said we needed to get her over to live in ireland and she said how much she would love that. My mum is worried now that autumn is coming and there might be more lockdown in the UK and she could deteriorate and be all on her own.

My gran seems to really want this but something is stopping her. She says she feels too tired to make it happen. I also think she is worried about changing consultants etc.

But what should we do? It cant be right that we leave her there in the UK to live alone through this? Especially when she would love to go and live with my mum. At the same time she is digging her heels in - I'm not too sure I fully understand why. But wouldnt it be better for her if we forced her? I know we need to respect the elderly's decisions. But surely this is the right thing for her? If this is the end, surely it is better to spend them in peace, in a family home with the comforting presence of people who love her. Maybe she is just scared and to a certain extent it could be helpful for us to make the decision for her?

YABU = Respect her wishes and drop it
YANBU = Take control and get her to ireland

@LockdownLemon

Sorry - posted too early. She has complex medical needs and is an Irish national, so has full access to the health system. But it seems to be much lower standard and not fully funded. So a move might not be a good idea.

Well, clearly you know all about the health system of another country, because your friend’s mum lives there. Right.

OP, moving to a new country is a big deal for many people, even when young and in excellent health. I honestly don’t see why anyone thinks it’s a good idea for her to move away from her own medical care when she’s seriously ill and very old, especially when she has not expressed a clear desire to do so. In fact, it’s a mad idea.

What the elderly person in the OP seems to be indicating is that she does not want to go and spend her remaining time in her loved one's home. Elderly people are allowed to feel that too. A cuddle can be lovely but so can peace and quiet. Familiar surroundings. Not living in the midst of the noise and bustle of a family of the young or middle-aged.

No, I completely agree with you - I was saying that elderly people should be allowed to make their own choices wherever possible, even if those choices aren't the ones that others might think are the 'right' ones.

Actually I think (and it will be hard for the OP to read) that what she is indicating is that she WOULD like to live and move to be with your Mum but she knows her physical limits and she simply cant. She isnt well or strong enough to be able to do it

I haven’t read every post here but OP, can you clarify this.

It sounds to me as though she is exhausted by the thought of the logistics. Are you, as a family, prepared to make all the arrangements for her? Because it sounds to me as though she is not certain that you will. Ask if it is the thought of the actual journey to Ireland that seems tiring to her, or everything else. If she is anything like my grandmother was, she will be fretting needlessly about packing boxes, making travel plans etc etc.