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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

DCs teacher lying and making trivial petty complaints

130 replies

shatteredmama · 25/09/2020 18:24

I’ve no idea how to handle this so am turning to you lot, dc is only 5, no previous issues in school, this year had been repeatedly complaining about another classmate who is violent, a serious assault took place, also hitting, kicking him, have spoken with teacher who was very swift to cover her backside, told me my dc got things wrong and I don’t think she really did anything to help.

Had to have another word today, things had escalated, while talking it became obvious teacher had initially lied to me - you need a good memory to lie!! I guess she realized then replied in a complaining way that dc wasn’t concentrating or trying hard enough.

I can’t help but feel she was playing tit for tat, I got angry defended dc.however I don’t feel anything got resolved.

What’s the done thing next? I don’t want to become ‘that’ parent so feel I need to tread carefully yet of course want to protect dc

OP posts:
Thinkingthinking · 27/09/2020 09:10

@InFiveMins

YABU. Listen to the teacher, not a five year old child. Confused
What an awful comment. So parents shouldn’t listen to their children when they have suffered abuse? Parents are there to advocate for their child. If a child feels he isn’t trusted when he confides in his parent over bullying what about if he is being groomed online or worse?
Joyfulmummyofone · 27/09/2020 09:17

Believe your child.
What they say won’t be 100% truth because 5 is too young to fully process the full context. but it will be THEIR truth, their perception - and so they need to know you’re in their corner. Your child has a right to feel safe and be safe at school.

Not focusing in class, being distracted and even if they start hitting out too - all these things can be a response to what’s going on for them. They can be signs of a little child desperately trying to find a way to cope with what feels for them an unsafe, unpredictable environment.

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I’ve been there. It also started when my DC was 5yo. The teacher was lovely and good at the “teaching bit” but just did not get it. Minimised everything I said and made me feel like “that parent”. I’d asked for my child to be separated the following year from this child that appeared to be “best friend” but was a controlling toxic situation.

The next year, they were in same class again. The teacher clearly hadn’t believed me or seen the problem for what it was. So that year, different class, different teacher things became horrendous. My child was a shadow of former self. The psychological wearing down from this one child was the worst, but there were also fat lips, bites, scratches, bruises.

Those who have posted that assaults will be reported are either naive- or have been fortunate to never experience them happening but not being logged.

I began to put things in writing. I now know this never got to the Head. Stayed at teacher and key stage lead level (big school) and they did nothing.

It was tricky because much of it wasn’t bullying as such. The one child - psychological and “words” and controlling behaviour towards my child YES that was bullying. But all the physical injuries that wasn’t bullying. It was “just” very poorly managed behaviours, injuries caused by many children, not one single bully, and my child not the only one getting injured. But for my child, on top of the toxic “friendship” it was just too much to cope with.

Teachers do NOT always report injuries of this type because it reflects very poorly on their class management.

To cut a long story short, later - full investigation with Head and Governor there had been no written log of injuries and safeguarding policy not followed by teacher or key stage lead who line managed that teacher.

We moved school. And we have not had a single problem since. Our child is thriving (year 6 now). The problem was NOT my child. It took strength to defend that because I felt labelled “that parent”.

Do get support from a friend or a therapist. It takes astonishing confidence to cope and navigate through something like this. Depending on the teacher and the school, it’s not always easy to defend your child and stand up against systems and individuals who are struggling. Often teachers are overwhelmed by the sheer volume of issues and what was happening for our child wasn’t “as bad” as perhaps the children in question who clearly had very complex needs. The children well supported at home and doing “ok ish” at school often slip through the net. There just isn’t always the human resource to deal with it effectively. That does not make it ok.

Unless you’ve been through it, many people just don’t understand that.

Teachers really don’t always understand how the behaviours of other children can impact on others. Some do - but some really don’t.

Trust your instincts. Keep a written log. Work with the school to find solutions.

This stuff is really hard and it takes confidence to see it through. Consider therapy or coaching to support you with confident communication. It’s not easy and for many mums, navigating through this sort of thing is WAY out of comfort zone. It was for me.

Good luck x

Rocinante39 · 27/09/2020 10:10

You are far too quick to accuse people of lying. That rarely gets things resolved satisfactorily.

Rumbletumbleinmytummy · 27/09/2020 10:19

Maybe your child isnt concentrating in school because they're so nervous about what this other child may do.
I was always far more interested in what other children would say or do to me in class when I was being bullied.

As much as i respect teachers, they often do get defensive when theres issues like this in school.

1NeedPampering · 27/09/2020 22:05

I am an ex teacher and CoG in the state sector. I would always believe my child. You need to talk to the Head or the DSL (designated safeguarding lead). You need to know what’s been happening and what the management plan is in this case. Do keep a log and look for the Safeguarding policy on their website - they are bound to follow it. Most schools are really good at this but COVID is putting a huge strain in them. Try to work with them to get the best for your dc

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