DCs teacher lying and making trivial petty complaints

[shatteredmama]

I’ve no idea how to handle this so am turning to you lot, dc is only 5, no previous issues in school, this year had been repeatedly complaining about another classmate who is violent, a serious assault took place, also hitting, kicking him, have spoken with teacher who was very swift to cover her backside, told me my dc got things wrong and I don’t think she really did anything to help.

Had to have another word today, things had escalated, while talking it became obvious teacher had initially lied to me - you need a good memory to lie!! I guess she realized then replied in a complaining way that dc wasn’t concentrating or trying hard enough.

I can’t help but feel she was playing tit for tat, I got angry defended dc.however I don’t feel anything got resolved.

What’s the done thing next? I don’t want to become ‘that’ parent so feel I need to tread carefully yet of course want to protect dc

But surely you knew that the children can take in their own bottles?

@InFiveMins

YABU. Listen to the teacher, not a five year old child.

Are you seriously saying that?

Turning it around on you and bringing up sudden issues with your own child’s behaviour is a common tactic to wrong-foot the parent and distract from the issue, one of my old DCs teacher used to try that on me.
I found it useful to state how strange it was that suddenly my child’s behaviour was a problem when I was bringing up a totally separate issue (especially as they were usually both regarded as amongst some of the best behaved kids in their respective classes) but that I’d be happy to discuss any problems in relation to my DCs behaviour once the issue at hand was resolved. That usually brought the focus back to the issue at hand, was funny though that when I later asked if she still wanted to discuss the problem with my DC’s behaviour she would completely backtrack and state there was no issue at all and she wasn’t sure what I meant! Right ok

I assume you had to take your child to A and E after the alcohol eye gel?

listen to the teacher, not the 5 year old

Seriously! This is the reason child abuse goes undiscovered. Listen to your child, then go and have a conversation with the teacher and the head. Also ask the other mums if their children have mentioned anything.

Ok now with more information I don’t think you’re being OTT or “that parent” the teacher seems funny and is brushing you off. Talk to your child again try and get a clear picture of what happened. Good luck.

@InFiveMins

YABU. Listen to the teacher, not a five year old child.

Bollocks, I trust teachers to teach, I have a huge respect for them, however the OPs child has come home with marks on her body several times. Imagine if her child went into school with unexplained /inconsistent reasons why she had bruises etc, SS would be contacted You need to follow this up OP, trust your child

Ask the Head what the policy is on pupils taking their own hand gel into school and whether access is supervised, as there seemed to be some confusion when you asked your child’s teacher on two separate occasions. Also mention that the teacher has stated your child had hit another child, but had failed to mention it at the time, and would like to understand why not as it clearly still seems to be an issue for the teacher.

I'm a teacher and that doesn't sound good. Like you say, it's irrelevant if your child doesn't listen or whatever because you are seeing her to discuss the fact that your child has been repeatedly hurt by another child. Presumably, there have been multiple incidents? How severe? It's not unreasonable to expect there to be action to ensure your child is safe. I would keep repeating that. Definitely record all incidents yourself and make teacher aware. You dont need to know what is in place for consequences/support for other child, but you do need to be reassured that your child won't be regularly hurt by another.

Could the gel have got into his eyes by accident? For example by touching your son’s eyes innocently, say blindfolding with hands in a game?

Why has my child been attacked at school? They didn't! it couldn't have happened! because xyz, by the way I noticed your child is disengaged and hit another child today? im assuming you delt with that appropriately? And what are your plans to engage the children in lessons? By the way how are you going to safeguard my child from this happening again?

Its a right back at you approach and its only appropriate that if your child is disengaged and pushing other children that they address it

Sometimes you get teachers that are not bad teachers but they arnt the right fit

I am so sorry OP this sounds awful.

Shocked and saddened that people want to assume the adult is telling the truth and the child is lying. This sort of thinking is very unhelpful and actually dangerous.

OP .

My next step would be to go to the head.

Scweltish I am so sorry that sounds awful.

I'd find out when these incidents are happening. If it's over lunchtime it could be that the information is not being relayed back to the teacher and that's why she was caught offguard. Please do write to both the teacher and cc in the Head if the child in question is on a CAMHS pathway then it could help to get funding (eventually) for more support in class. Just remember that staff can't see everything all the time but if you can keep interactions calm you are more likely to reach a better outcome for your daughter.

This is a tricky one. Teachers can only see a fraction of what goes on between children. However, I don't believe that she would make it up re your son hitting another child. However, I agree that was off topic and she was deflecting. Even if children can't take their own hand gel in, if the school have supplied it, there can still be residue on hands, esp if they then get them wet, so she should have taken your initial concern seriously. It sounds like she was being defensive and felt that she was being accused of leaving hand gel out around young children or not being alert enough. She quite possibly forgot or didn't realize that some children brought their own in when she first spoke to you.
I would drop her an informal email, say that you have spoken to your son re the hitting incident and that you have dealt with it at your end, then reiterate that you still have concerns as hand gel being rubbed into eyes is a serious issue.

Very dangerous, Italian

@CandyflossKing

Watch out OP. Teachers can do no wrong on mumsnet!

Seriously?!

OP this happened to me a few years ago, my dc was 5 and like you i didn't want to be one of those parents. By January it had got worse and my dc was being hit, told by a 7 year old about sawing women's heads off, that all women should be murdered, that he was thick, that my dc was the older dc's girlfriend, etc etc, the 7 year old then stabbed my dc's foot with a pencil, leaving a puncture mark.

I went in to speak to teacher multiple times before this and she kept downplaying and telling me she kept the older boy away from my child, that she kept them separate - she didn't - eg i went to pick up early and they were alone in a room together and when i asked the teacher about it she flustered and said i was a one off. About the pencil puncture mark I was told my dc had said he had done it on a bike at breaktime and so I was lying/my dc had lied to me. My dc then started telling me everything was fine at school as every time i spoke to school it got worse for him. My dc became disturbed - eg at an out of school activity thumped another boy, totally out of character. I told the school we were leaving and finding another school and the teacher threatened to get ss involved.

We left and went to a new school which has been great. However, at the new school it took a year for dc to fully calm down and trust that environment and longer for me to help him get over the other experiences.

So my advice is talk to the head urgently and unless your dc gets moved to a different class with a competent straightforward teacher, and you are totally 100 percent happy with the plan put in place, move schools and do it sooner rather than later.

We had also had had problems with a nursery being incompetent and lying and to be honest I did start to wonder if I was just overly precious - it was only once we had got into a normal school with competent teachers that I realised for certain that no I had not been precious and no I hadn't been one of "those" parents. so have faith in yourself and get changes made for your dc confidently.

If I were you, I'd be on the school for lack of safeguarding. If your child is hitting other kids, you'd be told after the incident on pick up. They don't wait days to report this behaviour.

Send an email to the head and copy in the teacher if you know her email address. Insist the head is present at the meeting, along with another safeguarding contact AND the teacher. Address the issues, make an action plan and ask for it to be communicated via email. If they don't stick to it, raise it to OFSTED.

At 5, kids may bend the truth slightly but not to the point of fabricating entire scenarios. You know your child better than anyone else so you'll know if there are exaggerations within the truth.

"dc wasn’t concentrating or trying hard enough."

WTAF has that got to do with anything when you are discussing your child being bullied?

School needs to get a hand of the hand gel. No 5 year old should have access to chemicals, and these are nasty ones!
Forget the this child hit that child, and the teacher lies stuff, and focus on the teacher's and school's hold of dangerous chemicals around young children. I would ask to see the headteacher and tell them what your child said to you, and that you understand children may have been allowed their own bottle. The HT will surely check that the teachers do not let any child have access to the gel bottles on their own.
Though OP, it could be the damn bottle! Ours squirts everywhere after a few uses (build up in the spout), I have joked about using safety glasses around them! It could have been that a child was using it and it squirted towards your child face/eyes? Anyway, they need to watch this and sort it, as it can damage a child's eyes, surely at least is painful...

Tell her just that. You know your child might not be telling the full story so how can you both come to a way to deal with it?
Is there a TA?

Can a phone call be made at the earliest opportunity e.g. break time so you can come straight down and discuss at lunchtime?

Can you arrange a meeting with the other child and their parents each time to discuss.

Can you and the teacher have weekly meetings to monitor and come up with plans and review if they are working?

I'd make myself the most annoying, proactive, can-do, positive, in this together, time consuming parent until the matter resolved itself.

If the teacher is slacking she will soon sort it to get you put of her hair. If she's not then you're taking steps under her/headteacher guidance.

Watch out OP. Teachers can do no wrong on mumsnet!

How could anyone browse MN for more than 5 minutes and reach that conclusion?

Shocked and saddened that people want to assume the adult is telling the truth and the child is lying.

I think it's that many of us have 5 year olds and so have some grasp of what they are like.

I walked into my 5YO's room today and she told me she was hiding under the bed because she was scared of me because I'd just finished smacking her bottom. We'd been cuddled up in my bed while she read a book to me. She's the one who is bad at lying, my eldest could sell you London Bridge at 5.

My kids have told me any number of tall stories about what happens at school. The inversion of what happened is the most frequent. So my 5 year old got in trouble the other day, and claimed that a friend of his had told the teacher to get him in trouble. It turns out he was the ringleader and instigator of the shenanigans and tried to dob his friend in...tread very carefully.

It's important to raise the issues. Ask for a meeting.

BUT be open minded. Try not to lose your rag, try to get calmy to the bottom of what's going on.

Any serious (or even relatively minor) assault should have been documented. My daughter was pushed by a kid last week, had a scrape. We got the incident form,complete with action taken against the other child. It's not hard to do it properly.

The school may have made a mistake. They may not.

Make no assumptions. Hi in calm and rational.

Approach it calmly. Your DC is a target for this other DC.
As you've already spoke to the teacher and found it unhelpful can you speak to the head.
The DC shouldn't have hand sanitizer in school at 5.
Ask for reassurance that your DC will be safe and kept away from the other child.