DCs teacher lying and making trivial petty complaints

[shatteredmama]

I’ve no idea how to handle this so am turning to you lot, dc is only 5, no previous issues in school, this year had been repeatedly complaining about another classmate who is violent, a serious assault took place, also hitting, kicking him, have spoken with teacher who was very swift to cover her backside, told me my dc got things wrong and I don’t think she really did anything to help.

Had to have another word today, things had escalated, while talking it became obvious teacher had initially lied to me - you need a good memory to lie!! I guess she realized then replied in a complaining way that dc wasn’t concentrating or trying hard enough.

I can’t help but feel she was playing tit for tat, I got angry defended dc.however I don’t feel anything got resolved.

What’s the done thing next? I don’t want to become ‘that’ parent so feel I need to tread carefully yet of course want to protect dc

Thank you for your post letmegetthisrightasawoman. However I think we must disagree about referring to children or young people as Kids or worse as the kid. It's sloppy and slangy and it may be old fashioned but I expect higher standards from a teacher.

@OhTheRoses

Thank you for your post letmegetthisrightasawoman. However I think we must disagree about referring to children or young people as Kids or worse as the kid. It's sloppy and slangy and it may be old fashioned but I expect higher standards from a teacher.

OK, let's agree to disagree I have honestly never been pulled up on it before, but good to know some people disapprove

@InFiveMins

YABU. Listen to the teacher, not a five year old child.

Oh boy!

You do know how dangerous that thinking is, surely?

I'm a teacher, I would say there was an incident but not that it was a premeditated attack (they are 5!).

However I would believe your child that this happened, my 4 year old with asd always tells the truth factually.. and your child should be able to trust you'll listen to them.

Professionals (teachers and doctors) generally do the right thing, but there are exceptions, e.g. if they are overwhelmed with work, they might take shortcuts or hope that any issues will go away and resolve themselves.

So you do need to follow up and make an assessment for yourself.

I'd ask the school how they ensure the safety of the child, whether they record incidents, and what are their procedures when such an incident happens. Then make sure they followed their own procedures properly and quickly.

I hear you op. I’ve had similar, still ongoing. I genuinely have the upmost respect for teachers but they can’t be everywhere, who can? Especially at the moment. You know your child and can easily spot when they’re telling porky pies, I believe what your child is saying happened did. I endured a while of “downplaying” until it reached a point that my dd was so badly attacked in y2 that the teacher confessed that everyone who witnessed it was deeply upset and shaken. I trusted the school to deal with it and here we are, she’s now y3, curled up in a ball because the boy had punched her in the stomach and her belly still hurt. She told the on duty teacher what had happened and was told to ignore it. I’m in the process of deciding my next step, the child in question now has a separate teacher in the class to “control” him. I actually thought about making my own thread as this whole situation has been devastating, imagine your 6 year old crying their heart out saying “I thought he was going to kill me Mummy” 😢 so the long and short of it is, get everything in writing, state facts calmly, have your child’s back and make sure they know it’s not their fault. I’m still trying to work out why this is allowed to happen and was actually told because he apologised it’s all ok 😭

Listen to the teacher, not a five year old child.

Never do this. Otherwise if your child is really in trouble, they’ll never come to you.

Listen to both sides and weigh up what is the most likely scenario.

It is possible that OP’s son had and issue with another child, and also for OP’s son to have been misbehaving at some other time. Both need dealt with. It is not right for a teacher to dismiss something happening to OP’s son because he hit another child in an unrelated incident.

Is the teacher new? A new teacher may lie to cover up mistakes. If the eye injury wasn't properly treated and documented within the school then that needs addressing. How serious was the incident or has it been exaggerated? Did it need an A&E visit and did you get photos?

I've found that schools will have more trust in long established teachers with clean reputations because they know them. If the teacher has lied once then they are likely to have done it previously. Enough similar complaints aren't good for a teacher's reputation within the school.

Children learn to lie from about 3 years. They start lying more from 4-6 years but at this age are mostly easily persuaded to be honest with gentle questioning. At least 80% of children lie at age 4 (Don't peek - hidden object experiments) and it should be treated as a cognitive developmental stage rather than for any assessment of moral character. As they get older they get better at lying and less likely to own up to it. They learn to keep the story straight and avoid letting the truth out by accident.

I would gently question your child to get a fuller picture of what happened. I think children need to feel trusted and supported by their parents but be wary of half truths and misunderstandings.

As a teacher, and a parent who has been in a similar position, I would always advise you to go higher than the teacher if you are not satisfied.

Sadly, in my case, it is only when I completely lost it and screamed, that I was heard. And then I demanded that instead of asking me questions, they asked my (SN) child. In my instance, it was the teacher who was the bully. The head did listen to him and we never looked back.

It worked out well for us, the teacher is no longer at the school. And as a result, I try to be extra vigilant when parents raise any concerns with me.

Around the same age DD1 had similar problems, and I raised it with the teacher multiple times.
DD1 told me that the perpetrator was the teacher's favourite, and nothing was done.
When DD told me she wanted to sleep and never wake up again I realised something more needed to be done. The kid bounced up to mine and spoke to her- not horribly just please don't make DD cry. Kid burst into tears, teacher was furious with me. headteacher and I spoke - he said I was wrong to intervene but after 4 months and 6 complaints nothing had been done by the school.

DD1 has now moved to high school and tells me a lot more that happened back then. I just wish she had been able to articulate better back then. The other kid was a horror because the teacher never told her off.

Listen to your child, go to the head, document everything. Be that parent. It is not going to get better on its own.

"dc wasn’t concentrating or trying hard enough."

WTAF has that got to do with anything when you are discussing your child being bullied?

Actually, the two may well be connected. A child who is afraid of being hurt by another child in the playground later will find it hard to concentrate in class.

I was a victim of bullying (and abuse at home) and this was how it affected me.

The schools I went to never took any of the bullying I went through seriously. It's very sad that this still happens today in some schools. (Thankfully, the primary school my DD2 goes to and where my DD1 was going to up to the end of the last school year has a very good anti bullying policy.)

@Jellycatspyjamas

In terms of not wanting to be “that” parent, if it’s a choice between me being “that” parent or my child being “that” child I know which one I’m choosing. You put your child into school with the basic assumption that they will be kept safe - if you’ve any reason to think that isn’t the case, you follow it up. Teachers can be caught off guard, feel defensive or simply not know what you’re talking about so I’d always arrange a separate time to speak if I have concerns, but I won’t be ok with being brushed off or my child being scapegoated. If that makes me “that” parent, I’m totally fine with it.

Thank you jelly

I have not experienced children lying in the way some here claim they do.

I’ve experienced children misunderstanding things and I’ve experienced fantasy and real world getting mixed up (we really DID see a unicorn, mum!) but not the smacking bottom lie someone else mentioned. I’d be a bit worried if my child said that to be honest.

You need to go to the head, it needs to be investigated, it needs to be taken seriously.

Lay out the facts as you know them, keep the emotion out of it as best you can so they can't brush it off as you being hysterical.

Under these circumstances you can't be seen as 'that parent' unless you make a big deal of every little thing that anyone says to your child over the next 10 years. This isn't that, it isn't one occasion you have had cause for concern. Also don't spout off in the playground, keep it a serious conversation between yourself and the school.

Your child needs to feel loved and believed or they won't tell you if something happens to them I'm the future.

Your child needs to feel safe to be able to learn effectively.

@pigeonsfeather

I really do agree with you about the bottom smacking comment, I would be very concerned if one of my DDs said something like that. Because I would wonder where the idea came from. In the days when parents regularly smacked their DC's bottoms as a punishment it wouldn't be surprising. (When I was in primary school, teachers did that, too.)

But that isn't something that's acceptable now, so no one talks about it.

Yes exactly mittens, I’m not saying for a moment I think the OP in that post HAD smacked her daughter, just to reiterate - but I wouldn’t just think of it as a child lying and shrugging it off either. That is very strange.

As a teacher there are many different things that could be going on here. I would contact the school and explain that you’re concerned about x,y and z on these dates. Ask if the school could investigate.
I’ve dealt with cases where the parent of a violent child claims they are the victim, cases where a child with SEN has lashed out at many children, and cases where one child is deliberately targeting another. It can take time to unpick exactly what is happening and how all children can be kept safe. You deserve answers but if you feel the relationship with the teacher has broken down, keep it polite and ask your questions in writing.

It’s a tricky one. My daughters teacher told me she had been mean to another girl in class and had ripped up the birthday invite she gave her. I told the teacher she must have had it wrong but she was adamant. My daughter swore black and blue it wasn’t her and she ran to her bag and produced her invite to the party with her name on it still intact. The teacher was very embarrassed. I still have no idea why she accused my daughter of it. Very weird.

Young children often say “He punched me!” Turns out he was running past and caught the other child with his elbow.

@Benjispruce2

Young children often say “He punched me!” Turns out he was running past and caught the other child with his elbow.

from the point of view of the child hit an elbow feels like a punch

My children didn't have the vocabulary to describe being hit by an elbow ds one called it an airbow dd1 called it a pointless thing ds2 his thingy can you not see why they would say punch?

@slipperywhensparticus of course, that’s my point. The child uses vocabulary that conveys something very different to the worried parent at home time.
‘A child rubbed sanitiser into my eyes!’ Might be a child had just sanitised their hands then was playing a game and touch another child’s face around their eye.

*touched

scweltish I'm so sorry about what happened to your child. It's the worst feeling when your child is the victim of violence.

Those on this thread who scoff and say 'how bad can it be, they're only x age' have obviously never experienced it, lucky them.

My DS had his front top adult teeth seriously damaged by another boy at school when he was 8 and 3 years later I can say he's basically got permanently knackered teeth. Had to have root canal, fillings replaced, missed school, it goes on and on. There had been low level casual violence or 'play fighting ' building up to it and I regret not being more assertive about it sooner.

OP listen to your child but be calm and objective. Take action fairly and decisively to protect your child

If you're still reading OP I hope your DC is feeling better today.
Ask for an appointment with the head on Monday.
Keep calm make notes to help you focus.

Please ignore those saying listen to the teacher and not your child.

My poor dd when she was in nursery was coming home covered in bruises where a boy was hitting and pinching her.

I kept bringing it up and they would say they are supervising closely and yet dd was still bruised. I think it’s because dd wouldn’t cry when she was hurt and the staff were happy that the boy was being occupied and not bothering others

It all come to head when dd had a massive bruise right near the groin area. I went nuts, and pulled her out. They weren’t protecting her at all.

School was the opposite though. Dd was being bullied by another girl when she was in year 1.

I bought it up with the teacher and she promised she would keep them separate and under supervised contact only. By the end of the year, both girls were friends as the teacher stopped all negative behaviour, kept them separate when the other girl was in a bad mood and encouraged good behaviour.

Some teachers get it really wrong, others do it right

Yes do ask for a meeting.