DCs teacher lying and making trivial petty complaints

[shatteredmama]

I’ve no idea how to handle this so am turning to you lot, dc is only 5, no previous issues in school, this year had been repeatedly complaining about another classmate who is violent, a serious assault took place, also hitting, kicking him, have spoken with teacher who was very swift to cover her backside, told me my dc got things wrong and I don’t think she really did anything to help.

Had to have another word today, things had escalated, while talking it became obvious teacher had initially lied to me - you need a good memory to lie!! I guess she realized then replied in a complaining way that dc wasn’t concentrating or trying hard enough.

I can’t help but feel she was playing tit for tat, I got angry defended dc.however I don’t feel anything got resolved.

What’s the done thing next? I don’t want to become ‘that’ parent so feel I need to tread carefully yet of course want to protect dc

I have no idea what DC not trying hard enough or not concentrating enough has to do with another child and his bad behaviour ? Obviously this conversation escalated way beyond the original complaint/query. You should say to the school that you are concerned that DC is not trying hard enough ( allegedly) and ask them what can be done to resolve this ? Like you I suspect the teacher has started to bring other points into the discussion. Be " that parent " as they are the ones that are treated correctly . I'm a former teacher.

I would go straight to the Head teacher about your concerns. Which have been brushed aside by the class teacher. Is she inexperienced? Why should a five year old put up with being kicked and punched.

@MushMonster I am ECV my four year old went to school the week before lockdown with their own hand gel in a land yard. Of course children should take their own if possible.

My poor dc was symptomatically bullied by 3 children in the same class for 2 years.

That bitch teacher my dc had always deflected and lied, I wouldn’t always believe what a teacher says. My child was always to blame, all allegations of bullying were brushed under the carpet.

It ended up with my child being assaulted (on school grounds) seriously enough to involve police! The head was furious that we’d logged it as an assault.

I ended up contacting the local MASH team, putting in a complaint to the governors, local authority and ofstead.

I’m lucky that I was advised to email after every incident at school. I emailed the school office asking in writing what had happened. Confirming if spoken to the teacher and a brief outline of what was said. This proved to be worth its weight in gold as I could prove the school not only lied but never followed up on assurances made.

After the assault I pulled my dc from that school.

Amazingly my child is now no longer underperforming and has actually learnt that school is a safe place and doesn’t mean they get attacked and bullied. Our new school is amazing and I have nothing but the upmost respect for the teachers now. They have worked so hard to repair the damaged done to my child.

In terms of not wanting to be “that” parent, if it’s a choice between me being “that” parent or my child being “that” child I know which one I’m choosing. You put your child into school with the basic assumption that they will be kept safe - if you’ve any reason to think that isn’t the case, you follow it up. Teachers can be caught off guard, feel defensive or simply not know what you’re talking about so I’d always arrange a separate time to speak if I have concerns, but I won’t be ok with being brushed off or my child being scapegoated. If that makes me “that” parent, I’m totally fine with it.

@AldiAisleofCrap sorry, but I do not agree with this. No way I would leave a 4 or 5 year old commandeer their own bottle, especially around other children!
We do mot let them have access to the bleach and detergent, so why alcohol based gel? It is for the grown ups to distribute the gel child by child and keep the thing well out of reach. I know it is a pain......
I am lucky I do not have a little one... no way I would be happpy with them around gels!

I am a teacher. I am also a parent (albeit to grown up children now). No, it has never been said that teachers can do no wrong on here - far from it in fact lately, but that is a whole other thread!
In those circumstances, I don't think you'll get any further speaking to the teacher again, so you need to speak to a deputy or head.
Yes, children do tell fibs, but if there is enough detail in what they say and you've seen it with your own eyes, I'd believe it and do something about it.

The school's anti-bullying policy will be on its website. There might be a named member of staff im charge of implementing it. Assuming that person is not your DC's class teacher email them with a factual account of the bullying incidents. You might want to mention that your DC recently hit another child and you are concerned that the bullying they are subject to is affecting their own behaviour. You want to know how the school is going to address the bullying. Say that you have spoken to the class teacher but that she misunderstood what your concern is. If there is no no named member of staff on charge of bullying policy email the head teacher. Re-write the email before you send it so that says exactly what you want it to say and is factual and to the point. Do not denigrate the teacher.

Im a teacher, i had a child tell their parent that my TA was alseep in corner all day, the parent came in to have a chat with me because she was concerned! 🤦🏼‍♀️

I got angry defended dc.however I don’t feel anything got resolved.

Of course nothing got resolved. It was difficult to understand from your first post what had happened, so it's perfectly possible that the teacher has not fully grasped what your DC has said happened and what reasonable outcome you would like to resolve the situation.

Your DC is probably telling the truth. (If he's lying it may be to deflect from his own behaviour and to get a reaction from you, which has certainly worked.)

However, he may not be telling you the whole truth, either to paint himself in the best light or because he has not grasped the bigger picture, because young children only see the world from their own viewpoint. So, something happens, he does not realise all the relevant information e.g. it was accidental or as a result of something that happened earlier, or that other DC has been sanctioned for the incident, or chooses to not mention what he did. He tells you about the incident but leaves out the other information and you kick off with only a 5-year-old's level of insight about the situation.

Try again to have a calm conversation with both the teacher and a senior teacher (headteacher, deputy head or key stage leader). You need to discuss both the incident and how to support the school with your DC's behaviour. Arrange to check-in in a week's time to see whether things are improving.

No need to involve other parents or Ofsted. Your focus is your child and what you can do to support the school with his learning.

@pigeonsfeather

'Very dangerous, Italian'

Yes, in the past children have reported abuse at the hands of adults and not been believed. People did not think a priest or other trusted adult could do such s thing. But they did.

It's possible a teacher doesn't know a lot of what happens in a class. It is a very tough job. I don't blame any teacher who doesn't spot an incident of bad behaviour, or an act of bullying. But to say it can't have happened was clearly wrong.

I know 5 year olds lie. So do 10 year olds and 15 year olds, and so do adults.

Despite this the OP needs to safeguard her child and find the truth.

Good luck OP.

What did the school say the other week when you went to complain that your own child had to inform you he'd had hand sanitizer rubbed into his eyes? And not them? They must have been pretty contrite?
It sounds a pretty dreadful school that you're not told either when something like that happens to your child or when your own child hits another.

I'm a teacher.

TheGrayChapter that's awful. Well done for moving your child.

Completely agree with pp’s. Op you are doing the right thing trying to get to the bottom of this. I cannot believe that there are people who would automatically believe an adult stranger over their own dc.

Scenario 1: your child is telling the truth in which case you need to go to the head as the teacher is lying.

Scenario 2: your child is lying in which case the teacher is not addressing the reason but is brushing your concerns off. In which case go to the head as the teacher is not acting appropriately.

Scenario 3: as a five year old some is true and some is false (whether a lie or misunderstanding) but the teacher hasn't dealt with your concerns appropriately and it doesn't sound as if she has even spoken to your son about what he claims happened so you need to go to the head

Depending on the size of the school head of key stage may be appropriate but I think you need to go above this teacher's head now.

OP if a child's mother doesn't stick up for him or her, one thing is certain - nobody else will.

Regrettably I have known teachers to lie, to have favourites and hatreds and to be rather unpleasant.

I agree that the teacher handled it badly. She should not mention your child's behaviour when you were complaining about another child.

That said, I disagree with all the posters that children should be believed and not doing so is dangerous. Children should always be listened to and taken seriously. That means that any complaints/ allegations they make should be investigated. This, however, is not the same as believing them automatically. I teach at secondary and it is pretty astonishing to see how events get twisted/ misrepresented when kids get agitated or emotional and also the crap they believe without question. We take all allegations seriously and they are investigated, but reasonably often no further action is taken because the kid's account is incorrect.

I shall don my hard hat now because I'm expected to slaughtered after that...

@OhTheRoses

OP if a child's mother doesn't stick up for him or her, one thing is certain - nobody else will.

Regrettably I have known teachers to lie, to have favourites and hatreds and to be rather unpleasant.

Fully agree. As a teacher I can say the same about a lot of parents too though 😂

I am ECV my four year old went to school the week before lockdown with their own hand gel in a land yard. Of course children should take their own if possible
Our DC aren't allowed to bring it as it has 70% alcohol they might drink it or like in OP's case wipe it in another DC's eyes.
Teacher is the only person allowed.

Omg what rubbish, listen to the teacher not a 5 year old child??!!
5 years old is very young, but listen to their concerns. They have concerns for a reason, and maybe those concerns turn out to be nothing, but, most decent teachers would want to know your child’s unhappy, and get down to the root of the cause.

Letmegetthisrightasawoman I think their is vileness in all demographics and sectors of society but their is something particularly vile about a grown up human who takes a dislike to a child and bullies and bullies one particular child. We moved our ds because of it. She had been at the school for 25 years, was the deputy and had got away with too much for too long. She accused my ds of lying and questioned my parenting. For years there had been a rumour that if you complained your child suffered more. I complained; in writing and with proof. She backed off. The next year she started again on another child and the parents complained. The year after she did it again and that was her last year at the school.

My happy, highly intelligent, popular boy started crying himself to sleep. I complained because we had the power of funds to switch him to the independent sector.

He took 44 points at IB, an Oxford first, a distinction at Masters and is about to start a PhD at Cambridge. That tea her set out to destroy him as she did every child like him.

I don't know what sort of school you teach at but I never expected my children to be referred to as Kids or to give a kid's account. That's what I'd slaughter you for and I would never have chosen a school where so called professional people chose to refer to children as Kids or worse to a child as the kid.

First para should have said there. On phone.

@OhTheRoses It seems like there is a backstory to your comment that I wasn't aware of. What you experienced sounds horrendous and I would be the first to believe that such teachers exist, having been bullied by one myself (albeit not to such an extent). I was merely replying to your comment in the context of this thread. As I said, I agree that parents should stick up for their children. I just added that there are plenty of unpleasant parents around too. My main frustration in my job at the moment is how many children are let down by their parents and really suffer because of it. It makes me really angry in fact.

I also don't think it's either/ or. Things work best when schools and parents are able to work together. After all, they both have the child's best interests at heart, they're not enemies.

I am not sure why you take umbrage at me using the word "kids". I would obviously not use this in official correspondence/ documents or when speaking to a parent, but I don't see the harm in using it in general? I refer to my own child as a kid and worse. It's not offensive, surely?

My dd was the target of the class bully at 6/7.. Multiple incidents. School aware. Nothing changed.
Until he poked her hand one day with a pencil.. Ramped up my concerns.
Next week he jabbed her eye with a pencil.
Yellow dye in at the eye hospital and daily visits for 10 days to monitor damage possibility..
The dc's dps were divorced. I happened to be standing with the df at the gate. I mentioned it as he hadn't - because school /exw hadn't told him.
I was pulled into the HT office and got a bollocking for telling him!
Moved my dc to another school..
Dd's eye was fine..