DCs teacher lying and making trivial petty complaints

[shatteredmama]

I’ve no idea how to handle this so am turning to you lot, dc is only 5, no previous issues in school, this year had been repeatedly complaining about another classmate who is violent, a serious assault took place, also hitting, kicking him, have spoken with teacher who was very swift to cover her backside, told me my dc got things wrong and I don’t think she really did anything to help.

Had to have another word today, things had escalated, while talking it became obvious teacher had initially lied to me - you need a good memory to lie!! I guess she realized then replied in a complaining way that dc wasn’t concentrating or trying hard enough.

I can’t help but feel she was playing tit for tat, I got angry defended dc.however I don’t feel anything got resolved.

What’s the done thing next? I don’t want to become ‘that’ parent so feel I need to tread carefully yet of course want to protect dc

As a teacher, I'd say you've got to take the emotion out of it and deal with the facts.

I'd question whether 5 year olds should have their own bottles of hand sanitizer in school on safety grounds.
Equally, I'd want some clarification on the incident in question. A silly situation ending in an injury is quite different to a deliberate attack. I'd be wanting to know more about when any incidents happened, who was on duty, when DC informed staff, what action was taken at the time.

Any parent raising reasonable concerns in an appropriate way will never be 'that parent'.

I certainly would believe a 5 year old and always believed mine.

They told me stories which I would hear from other parents. Nothing terrible, but little stories of incidents that happened.

How sad for a parent to automatically assume a child would lie.

It's certainly not my experience as a parent.

I found the lying tended to start during the teenage years...😁

If you ask a child to repeat a story with several hours apart and they give you word for word the same version I would certainly tend to believe them.

We were very lucky with all our teachers over the years, but to suggest there aren't some total horrors out there, that don't like children and should never be near one is preposterous.

There definitively are.

Fortunately not too many.

Document absolutely everything and put it in writing.

Asking how THEY are going to keep your child safe.
You can always make little videos of her telling you what happened, as soon as she comes home.

This must be so stressful for you.
I do appreciate that with 30 children it is hard for a teacher to see everything.
That is why it is critical the school take action and make it the other child's parent's problem.

Hi, I know from experience how distressing dealing with this type of situation can be. My DS was being bullied at school, he was in year 5 and it was verbal in nature. As parents, we experienced what can only be in retrospect be described as an attempt at gaslighting from the teacher. We documented everything, got supporting documentation etc from other parents and his friends at formally complained. What became explicitly clear going through the process was that schools complete reluctance to categorise anything as bullying - as that forces them to take action which often mean's having to deal with extremely difficult parents. The headmaster kept on referring to the incidents as 'conflict' - it really was shocking. We kept on it with the school and they did finally take action, so my advice would be not to give up and especially don't feel any quilt at being seem as 'that parent'. Good luck and I hope the bullying stops.

If it’s repeated towards the same child, by the same child, it’s bullying.

I wouldn't trust any teacher as far as I could throw them these days. There is a total lack of professionalism.

When my DD was in primary school we had 1 teacher lie about an accident that involved her being injured by another child, chipping a bone in her foot and ending up on crutches for 6 wks. He lied through his back teeth but it was witnessed by the entire class and I was contacted by the parents whose children verified what happened and when I reported it to the head teacher they did absolutely nothing and the following year they made him deputy head. Lovely.

The problems with teachers in secondary school was even worse. I pulled her out in the end and she's now being home schooled. She's never been happier and neither have I.

Put a complaint in writing to the Head teacher and make it clear: if a resolution cannot be found you will escalate it to the LEA.

Some children are really aggressive from a young age and after seeing 6 kids through school over the last 18yrs literally nothing surprises me anymore.

If you feel your child was being bullied and it was not addressed or was incorrectly addressed, get a copy of the bullying policy and the complaints policy.

@CandyflossKing

Watch out OP. Teachers can do no wrong on mumsnet!

Were you not here during lockdown?!

@Felicisnox I agree. Our marvellous moment, when dd was 12, at a holy grail school, was when she phoned me in tears at 3.45 to say she felt really ill and was in the toilets vomiting and the office had told her to go home. I phoned the office and asked for help for her and was told the teachers in charge were walking round the school and she couldn't leave the office. I was clear that I expected support to be provided and was on my way. I arrived 20 minutes later and went to the office where an arsy individual refused to tell me whether help had been sought. I had to insist the little madam showed me to the lavatories which were stinking bit presumably the average teacher thinks is acceptable dd was on a concrete floor with two friends watching who had already been sent away from the office. Then the head appeared and I got dd over a lavatory and instructed her to take care of dd while I brought the car round. Head was apologetic as we left and as I barked you are in loco parent is and this is a safeguarding issue. I got an apology of sorts in writing and then excuse after excuse until I wrote to the Chair of Governors. Standards are utterly despicable in the state sector. We removed dd although we did eventually get a written apology confirming action had been taken accordance with the school's formal procedures. Some of these people aren't fit to manage animals let alone our children.

When in doubt go to the head teacher

5 year old 'kicking, violence, serious assault' -and a teacher does nothing (according to you), 1) hmmm I'm already doubting you as a credible witness. 2) if there was a ' violent kicking and serious assault' you wouldn't be waffling on Mumsnet you'd be in a police station or in the head teachers office - wouldn't you?

Standards are utterly despicable in the state sector.
You mean that you have had a terrible experience of a state sector school.

That's not grounds to make a sweeping, damning claim about a whole, very diverse, sector.

If you have genuine concerns about your child ask to see the Headteacher. Teachers aren’t God and can be challenged. But you need to try and establish if your child is being picked on/bullied or just normal petty squabbles. Does he enjoy school or is he clingy and tearful. He relies on you to look out for him so you should always give him the benefit of the doubt and press the matter further politely and escalate to the head if you’re not happy

I would go to the head. Be calm, realistic and listen too. Reason being that there aren't spare TAs floating around the school to shadow children and teachers have 29 other children to look out for too. Teacher knows there is no budget for extra help so won't ask for it. Going to the head will open up the conversation internally and might help. Your child has a right to be kept safe but when you ask for a extra special eye to be kept on them you are also asking for other children to be watched a little less so be realistic. Also remember there will likely be information that they cannot share with you about others.

My DD went through this, another child really took a disliking (put mildly) to her and attacked her almost daily, he even bit her finger down to the bone twice, came home with all sorts of bruises.
Whenever I talked to the teacher she lied, I repeatedly asked them to sperate them but they kept putting them together because he was after her in the register. I ended up going to the board of governors and that quickly got it sorted.

If you strongly believe your child is being hurt you are going to have to be 'that mum' you're the only one who can help her seeing as the adult who are supposed to be caring for her when you're not there are grossly failing to do so.

I really really hope you can get things sorted for your child.

Is there another adult in the class room - can you get info from other children/parents? Listen to your child - I made a mistake by not listen to my child at first - and it turns out the teacher was also bullying him - complained to headteacher - poor practice was the excuse - I refused to send my child in to school to be in this teachers class - things soon changed!

When I was five, my mother always took what I said about injuries I had or bullying I reported. That is not to say she always believed me, but her approach was that something was going on, even if my version of events wasn't true or was only partly true.

She was my hero. Even if I got into trouble, she was always there for me. Don't get me wrong, if I'd lied there'd have been trouble. But at least I knew she would never dismiss what I said.

So that's my advice for what it's worth. Don't worry about truth or lies or some mixture of two. Just take it seriously and meet with the teacher and the head to insist on some action.

I'd just like to say anyone saying "believe the teacher over a 5 year old child" must be a fucking idiot.

Happened to my kid. School kept saying he was just playing as boys do and getting hurt when he got beat up by a child 4 years older but when someone else got hurt we were pulled in for bullying. We changed schools and he flourished. Regardless of what's happened if your child doesn't trust a teacher it will leave a lasting impression and hinder his ability to learn

I’m a teacher, and I’d always believe my own kids over a teacher initially.

Does that mean I’d go in all guns blazing?
No. But if my son told me another child had rubbed sanitizer in his eye - I wouldn’t question him. And if the teacher tried to deflect the seriousness of the issue into something else, I’d be asking for a meeting with the head teacher to discuss my concerns.

@shatteredmama,
I have only read yr original post but been there too! Just reading the title, i thought to myself I bet u have complained about something at school. Unfortunately schools r very defensive, especially about something which they had have dealt with differently and ad go on their record. They will do anything, and i really mean anything to brush it under the carpet and not have any record of these incidents. Be very careful, do everything in writing so u have a record, get a recording of any meetings u have. Trust me, u need it if u continue there. My best friend works in child protection for a council near me and explained all of this to me before it even happened. She told me they wd nitpick every single little bit of my kids school life u til I left and they did. They will do the same tou. It is an awful feeling as I can u r experiencing too. my friend told me to leave for my safety, i didnt believe her bt wish I'd taken heed. 2 years,of hell followed, i won't go into details bt I'd advise u strongly to find another school. It won't stop. We've quit before the end of year 6 finally, with no school to go to by no school is better than having my child picked on for anything and upset. Bear in mind this all goes down on your school record and they are doing it to make life very hard foreverfor your child. These records do not go away, ever. They will look for any way to escalate and involve child protection. I know u will be thinking u have nothing to worry about bt u don't need to have as they will simply make it up. It's irrelevant who you are, schools and councils are used to doing this, its a script. Be very very careful and pls look to get out of there. Do msg me as there's a lot i cant write on here ....

Personally I would just wait and see what pans out.

My youngest dc had a difficult primary schooling and was very unhappy

But she was classified (incorrectly) as the bully. Myself and dh were blanked in the playground by most parents in that class. Even the teachers, head teacher and dinnerladies didn't like her!

We did believe at first that our dc was getting a bit physical-she has a fiery temper but only when provoked. But it wasn't until the end of year 5 that the other children in the class and the other parents finally realised that our dc wasn't the demon child she had been made out to be and that in fact it was actually another girl who was to blame (and her parents who believed every word/lie).

I would make sure you get a good idea of what's going by actually seeing for yourself how your child and this other child get on. But during covid and lockdown I'm not sure how you would do this, inviting kids round after school or going to the park with them is a bit tricky now.

*CandyflossKing

Watch out OP. Teachers can do no wrong on mumsnet!

Where have you been during all the teacher bashing threads?*
Indeed, bettsbattenburg

And why ever would you trust a teacher over a child. I once overheard a mum say that and it gave me the creeps.
To the op, the teacher is obviously trying to cover her back and possibly has a preference towards the other child. You will clearly never solve this by acting nice. You have to go over the teacher’s head to show her you’re willing to take action and that will stop her being mean to your child and overlooking transgressions by the other out of fear of repercussions. Unfortunately not all teachers are in the job for the right reasons and those are the ones who act like this. From my experience the ones who claim that my dc are not concentrating are usually the ones who fail to engage children. Good teachers say that’s not the case in their class. I take this as an obvious sign that the latter are able to hold the child’s attention...

Why not see the head teacher? I do not believe a teacher/my son over the other but if my son tells me some thing I am concerned about i work with the info and go through official channels ie head teacher to find out more then sort it out properly

As a teacher we are often left with children with complex behavioural needs in our classrooms. We are not given the means to support them and frankly, we are not able to always guarantee that these children won't hurt another. We wish we could do something about it too, however, we are given absolutely no support. We're just told to manage the child as best as possible. Believe me, we all wish there was something else offered to us but there just isn't.