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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to tell her she was out of order to my DS?

135 replies

lyralalala · 25/09/2020 14:52

I'll preface by saying - DS is 20. I won't get involved, but I really want to say something.

DS1 is technically my step-son. His Mum died when he was a very young toddler.

Because his Mum died there was a pension paid out every month that mostly went into his savings. He also inherited his Mum's share when her Grandparents died. It's not an amount of money that's going to mean he can lounge around in luxury for his whole life, but it's a comfortable buffer that many kids his age don't have.

Also added to that for a while when he was at school DS had a Saturday job with a photography company who paid him well and DS saved hard because at the time he wanted to buy a flashy car when he passed his test. Thankfully by the time he did pass his test he realised that a stupidly expensive car at 17 was stupid.

Anyway, since he started uni he's worked in a care home. He lives in a shared house about 40 minutes away. His long time best friend also lives in the house. During lockdown he was back home with us because he knew we were being careful (his youngest sister was on the shielding list) so he could keep working.

He decided last month that going back to uni meant he had to hand in his notice and look for another job. He acknowledged to his Dad and I that he knew he was very lucky to be able to fall back on the buffer he has whilst looking for another job (and knowing he might not get another job for a while depending on uni lockdowns and the likes).

His best friend's mother (who was friends with his Mum), while dropping her son off, asked him about his work and went on to call him a spoiled shit. She told him that millions of people couldn't afford to pack in a job "willy nilly" and that if he was hers she'd be bitterly disappointed in him for quitting a job before getting another one.

DS told her it was none of her business. She said herself he was polite in tone (she messaged DH to complain), but still thinks that telling "an adult" that was very rude. She feels he should have acknowledge to her that he was "very lucky" to have money in the bank to rely on. DH told her that DS was right, it was none of her business and left it at that.

I really want to point out to her that my "spoiled shit" of a boy has quit his job because he can't live in a shared student house and safely work in a care home full of old people! He also has money because he fucking saved hard when he was working so he'd be able to do this anyway. However, she is cribbing about money he got because he has no Mummy. He has no memories of her at all. He only knows her voice because his GP's had a camcorder. He is not fucking lucky!

OP posts:
Disfordarkchocolate · 25/09/2020 16:00

He sounds a thoughtful and considerate young man, and far more adult than this woman.

I'd stay out of it as long as he knows you support his actions.

Russellbrandshair · 25/09/2020 16:00

Also agree that you sound like a lovely step mum OP 👍

Bloomburger · 25/09/2020 16:02

She's an arsehole. I can't even type anymore. As someone who has no memory of their mother I think you should be proud of your SS not to have reacted in a stronger way.

He sounds like a lovely grounded young man x

BalloonRide · 25/09/2020 16:03

How awful of her. I hope your DS is okay. He sounded very mature in his handling of it.

timetest · 25/09/2020 16:05

Having a few quid in the bank is pretty poor compensation for losing your mother when 2. This other woman is a rude, insensitive idiot. Your Dss sounds like a thoughtful sensible young man. His mother would have been proud.

JenniferSantoro · 25/09/2020 16:07

I’d have killed for a lovely, supportive and loving step mother like you Whilst I was growing up. No one is lucky to have money because their mother died, regardless of how much money it is. This woman has a bloody nerve. I feel annoyed just reading this. Good for your boy in telling her it’s none of her business!!

TheFormidableMrsC · 25/09/2020 16:07

I don't think I could leave that, you are incredibly restrained. What a nasty, jealous bitch. Imagine calling a young man "lucky" under those circumstances. Horrible horrible woman.

jessycake · 25/09/2020 16:08

What a spiteful cow , how is he lucky ? money is nice but it doesn't bring back his mum or grandparents .
I'm sure they would be very proud to see how he has grown up x

workhomesleeprepeat · 25/09/2020 16:09

What a Grade A bitch! I would let him know that I think what she said was horrible, but would let him manage things himself. Sounds like he is capable and mature - a credit to you and his dad.

God what a horrible woman. Am raging for him that someone would have the gall to say that to someone who lost their mum! Lol Jesus I was to slap her myself Grin

Schoolisback1973 · 25/09/2020 16:09

He sounds so grounded and reasonable for his age.
What a jealous cow!
I would say something.

Knittedfairies · 25/09/2020 16:10

It isn't any of her business, and your D(S)S sounds like a wonderful young man; he's a credit to his dad, and you. I'd be very tempted to say something to her too; if nobody calls her out when she says such horrible things, she's not going to think before she speaks.

ginnybag · 25/09/2020 16:11

He sounds like a good, caring, sensible young man.

He was dealt a shit hand in life, and instead of pissing it up the wall or saving it, he's using the only possible positive of that hand to make a choice to protect others. It's the opposite of selfish. He's a credit to you all.

canigohomenow · 25/09/2020 16:12

What a nasty twit.

Same story - parent died when I was a child, received a pitiful sum in comparison to the richness of having an invested Father.

The fact many put a monetary value on a child losing one of their 'two people' is vile. How much is watching them graduate university, walk down the aisle, take them for their first drink, get to know who they are, watch what they will grow to be.

Fuck her. And her nasty attitudes.

AuntMasha · 25/09/2020 16:18

Ugh! Jealousy over how much material stuff other people have really brings out the very worst, the very ugliest in people.

To unload your jealousy on a conscientious, hard-working youngster who lost his mum when just a toddler, is just the lowest of the low.

theDudesmummy · 25/09/2020 16:22

Anyone who called any of my children a spoiled shit would have no place in my life whatsoever, whatever the circumstances.

Original poster
lyralalala · 25/09/2020 16:24

@mumtobabygilrl

All I want to say is - if anything happened to me I'd be so happy if someone like you were watching out for my child and taking care of them. 👏
That's a lovely thing to say. Thank you.

It's not always been plain sailing. Like any blended family we've had our moments, but I am proud of how we've done.

Proudest moment of my life was when DS, at 11, decided that he wanted to call me Mum. Backed up when OMIL said she was more than ok with DS having a Mummy and a Mum and firmly believed her daughter would have been ok with that too.

OP posts:
Noshowlomo · 25/09/2020 16:32

@lyralalala that made me want to cry!! You're amazing. Your family sounds lovely xx

Havaiana · 25/09/2020 16:37

However, she is cribbing about money he got because he has no Mummy

Sounds like he does have a Mummy though, in you. You do sound like a great SM.

LH1987 · 25/09/2020 16:38

I don’t usually advocate violence, but she deserves a really good kick. Some people are just horrible.

Babysharkdoodoodood · 25/09/2020 16:39

Your DSS sounds lovely and she's a bitch.

But word of warning for dss, my son's dad also died and he gets the pension, but there is a caveat, in that he has to be in education and under 25. Amazing how quickly ds decided he had to go back to collegeGrin

You should check that dss's isn't the same if he wants to keep the buffer.

MagentaRocks · 25/09/2020 16:42

What a bitch. He is an adult so her saying he said it to an adult is ridiculous. I would be fuming if I was you too. However you have brought up a young man who is sensible and has values and has done well to save up as he has so try to put her out of your mind.

Original poster
lyralalala · 25/09/2020 16:43

@Babysharkdoodoodood

Your DSS sounds lovely and she's a bitch.

But word of warning for dss, my son's dad also died and he gets the pension, but there is a caveat, in that he has to be in education and under 25. Amazing how quickly ds decided he had to go back to collegeGrin

You should check that dss's isn't the same if he wants to keep the buffer.

I can imagine how quickly that happened! Grin

The monthly pension for DS stopped at 18. He will get a set amount at 21 and then again at 25. He would have been fine anyway as he's at uni, but his is set up differently.

OP posts:
contrary13 · 25/09/2020 16:46

As other posters have pointed out, OP, your stepson is an adult... and if anything, his best friend's mother was the rude one for not only calling him "a spoiled shit", but also for initiating the conversation about the buffer he has in the first place. It's crass and bad manners to talk about money, just as it is to discuss religion and politics at the dinner table!

I'd keep out of it this time, but definitely step in if it happens a second time, if I were you. Because - no offence meant to you - I'm sure your stepson would much rather have a biological mother still living, than her pension and share of his great-grandparents inheritance.

Prig · 25/09/2020 16:47

She sounds like a horrible jealous twat. She was projecting (her child has lost every job he's had).

SunshineCake · 25/09/2020 16:48

I'm embarrassed for her.

She would no longer be my friend.

This has actually mad me tearful as your son sounds a lovely smart boy and deserves the security of some money when he lost his mum.

She is a complete cow and I really would end the friendship.