To want to tell her she was out of order to my DS?

[lyralalala]

I'll preface by saying - DS is 20. I won't get involved, but I really want to say something.

DS1 is technically my step-son. His Mum died when he was a very young toddler.

Because his Mum died there was a pension paid out every month that mostly went into his savings. He also inherited his Mum's share when her Grandparents died. It's not an amount of money that's going to mean he can lounge around in luxury for his whole life, but it's a comfortable buffer that many kids his age don't have.

Also added to that for a while when he was at school DS had a Saturday job with a photography company who paid him well and DS saved hard because at the time he wanted to buy a flashy car when he passed his test. Thankfully by the time he did pass his test he realised that a stupidly expensive car at 17 was stupid.

Anyway, since he started uni he's worked in a care home. He lives in a shared house about 40 minutes away. His long time best friend also lives in the house. During lockdown he was back home with us because he knew we were being careful (his youngest sister was on the shielding list) so he could keep working.

He decided last month that going back to uni meant he had to hand in his notice and look for another job. He acknowledged to his Dad and I that he knew he was very lucky to be able to fall back on the buffer he has whilst looking for another job (and knowing he might not get another job for a while depending on uni lockdowns and the likes).

His best friend's mother (who was friends with his Mum), while dropping her son off, asked him about his work and went on to call him a spoiled shit. She told him that millions of people couldn't afford to pack in a job "willy nilly" and that if he was hers she'd be bitterly disappointed in him for quitting a job before getting another one.

DS told her it was none of her business. She said herself he was polite in tone (she messaged DH to complain), but still thinks that telling "an adult" that was very rude. She feels he should have acknowledge to her that he was "very lucky" to have money in the bank to rely on. DH told her that DS was right, it was none of her business and left it at that.

I really want to point out to her that my "spoiled shit" of a boy has quit his job because he can't live in a shared student house and safely work in a care home full of old people! He also has money because he fucking saved hard when he was working so he'd be able to do this anyway. However, she is cribbing about money he got because he has no Mummy. He has no memories of her at all. He only knows her voice because his GP's had a camcorder. He is not fucking lucky!

@Gazelda

What an absolute bitch!

I think you're wise to keep out of it. Let it die down. But I'm sure you'll never forget her spiteful and wrong words.

And I hope you told your DS that you're proud of how he handled this. Your post gives the impression you're a wonderful SM, so I'm sure you've shown or told him.

I have told him. I also made him laugh by having a bit of a "How dare she say that to my boy" rant. I'm known for being the quiet and very reasonable one. DS once said I could find a positive in an apocalypse so he gets highly amused on the occasions that I do lose it.

@growinggreyer

I would speak to DS to tell him that he does not have to remain in contact with this friend of his mother's. Perhaps it was nice for them to be in contact when he was a child as it provided him with a link to his Mum, but it doesn't seem to be very beneficial now.

He will see her every now and again because her son is his best friend. The boys have been friends their whole lives. Thankfully their contact should lessen the older they get.

Her DS apologised for her to my DS so thankfully hasn't caused any hassle between the boys.

"Unfortunately jealously has a very ugly side."

This. My poor DH lost his parents as a young adult and received a similar sum. He has been repeatedly told he is very lucky by remaining relatives. Lucky for what? That his parents are dead? I know what I'd rather have.

Your poor DS.

I was in a similar position although my dad died when I was at primary school so I have precious memories. More than once I’ve been told that other people’s parents can’t just afford to buy them houses.

I was bolshi in my youth and more than once said they could kill them selves and then their kids would have the same money. My poor mum lost my dad and then had to put up with me as kid

@StormyInTheNorth @Unsuremover

Still to this day shocks me how thoughtless and horrible people can be.

And it shocks me that the worst comments I can remember have all been from women. Some of the stories DH can tell just leave me horrified. People are awful.

You don't need to say anything. DS dealt with it beautifully. She was the silly one contacting DH to complain. Given that he was polite, there doesn't seem to be anything to complain about. It is none of her business and he doesn't have to justify himself to her. It is very telling that her own DS apologised to yours, so it is very clear she was out of order. For some horrid reason it seems she is jealous.

What a rude woman she was, and how restrained your rather wonderful sounding DS was in politely rejecting her unnecessary and unwarranted strictures.

Despite the fact that you sound like a lovely step mum and I'm sure he adores you I bet he'd give up every penny to have been able to grow up knowing his biological mum.

Nasty piece of work.

Glad it hasn't caused hassle between the boys. People do put their foot in it with no idea at all, don't they! I think she's incredibly rude and your DS handled it very well. (I was adopted and people were forever saying, 'Aren't you lucky?' all the time - they just do not think what they're saying and how offensive/wrong it can be.) I'd be tempted to respond, but lots of people would steer clear and just be pleased their DS had handled it so well - which would certainly avoid conflict.

When I started reading your piece I was thinking this was going to be a situation where you were overreacting or being a bit much, but yoiks that women is a grade A bitch. She can mind her own business and keep her judgemental nose out of your som’s business, she clearly has problems of her own but that is no justification for speaking to your son like that.

Also the “to an adult” comment is the sort of shit an adult says to a child when they know they’re wrong but don’t want to be challenged. He is an adult—both in terms of age, and in terms of attitude, working hard like he does, and being responsible. The only one coming across entitled and ridiculous is her.

All I want to say is - if anything happened to me I'd be so happy if someone like you were watching out for my child and taking care of them. 👏

@lyralalala wait until he a bit older and sorting family functions (Christmas weddings etc). It’ll be “your so lucky you only have once side to manage” “thankfully you’re family is small to balance it out”. Yes in my dads final days he was cursing missing me grow up but pleased it made the seating plan at my wedding easier.

@Comefromaway

Despite the fact that you sound like a lovely step mum and I'm sure he adores you I bet he'd give up every penny to have been able to grow up knowing his biological mum.

Nasty piece of work.

Absolutely he would. And rightly so. We've talked about that many times over the years.

She really is an absolute bitch.

She’s jealous and bitter. Possibly about your son having money or maybe because her son sounds a bit of a layabout in comparison.
Who gives a fuck what poisonous people like that think?

You sound like a lovely step mum so, although he’s been dealt a tough hand, he’s very lucky to have you in his corner xx

She sounds oddly chippy. Is there something else going on?

How infuriating! A class A busybody with a chip on her shoulder! Nobody who has lost a parent let alone as a child could conceive of money being any consolation.
You son sounds like a very well adjusted man to handle it with such grace but yes as someone who has seen him grow up it must be hard not to tell her a few home truths about her abhorrent behaviour!

[quote Unsuremover]@lyralalala wait until he a bit older and sorting family functions (Christmas weddings etc). It’ll be “your so lucky you only have once side to manage” “thankfully you’re family is small to balance it out”. Yes in my dads final days he was cursing missing me grow up but pleased it made the seating plan at my wedding easier.[/quote]
Oh for fucks sake, that's horrendous! What even possesses people to think that, far less say it.

We've always had massive Christmases (obviously not this year) because of our family mergers. DS's Grandmother is affectionately known as my OtherMIL; she and her DD have always been wonderfully supportive of us. So the first Christmas we all spent together there was PIL, BIL, OtherMIL, DS's Aunty and her partner, my Nana (who brought me up), two of MIL's sisters, OMIL's brother, DH, DS, me and my 2 DDs. It was bedlam, has been bedlam every Christmas since, but it's amazing.

I’d have to at least point out to her that he is technically an adult.

Your son sounds great. Hardworking and responsible.

Perhaps she's started to notice that her own son is a bit of a loser in comparison.

Congratulations on your son and DH, and your family.

I'm not surprised to read that her son, by contrast to your, cannot keep a job.

Jealousy is indeed a very ugly emotion.

The "to an adult" comment made me laugh actually. She called my boy a spoiled shit while she was dropping off her DS - who she ferries around like he's 12 and needs lifts to activities. He's also lost every job he's had by not turning up.

The adult in this situation was your DS! It sounds like this dreadful woman is jealous - your son sounds like a pretty responsible, decent sort and clearly her son isn't.

As for stepping in, I wouldn't dignify her behaviour with a response. Let her stew in her own bitter juices.

NONE of it is any of that stupid woman's business.

Your DS does not have to justify his financial situation to anyone. Who does she think she is?

The fact that she KNOWS his mum died is even worst. Vile cow.

All I want to say is - if anything happened to me I'd be so happy if someone like you were watching out for my child and taking care of them

This4

She is a fcking bitch and I would tell her so.

I lost my mother at a young age and inherited and I’d give it all back tomorrow if my mum could even see my children just once - she never got to meet them. How dare she call him lucky when he lost his mother. I’d be giving her a piece of my mind and telling her to never speak to me ever again. Losing your mother isn’t lucky - and that’s the only reason he has that money. Absolute bitch.