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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU - he should look after his DC for longer not at my house

113 replies

UndertheCedartree · 25/09/2020 13:59

Since my ex and I have split he lives with his mother at her 1 bed flat and myself and DC live in our family home. We have 2 DC together age 13 and 8. Eldest is home-educated and youngest is at school.

On a Tuesday he comes over to mine at 1.30pm (when DS is back from his class) and usually watches a film or plays video games with DS. He picks up the youngest and brings her back and stays for dinner before leaving at 8pm when youngest goes to bed. He sometimes takes them to the park or soft play after school.

On a Thursday he comes over at 12 to see DS and they pick up the youngest and go to McDonald's for dinner. He brings them back and leaves at 5pm (sometimes spends some time at mine depending on what time they get back.)

On Saturday he picks them up at 12 and takes them out then back to mine and leaves at 5pm. Again depends what they do as to how much time is at my house. Tomorrow he is taking them for lunch then back to mine.

I'm feeling a bit fed up at him never having them over at his mum's flat (she's not keen) and just having them out the house for short periods of time then back to mine. He doesn't do a lot at mine - like if youngest wants a snack or they want help with homework I do it. I even make him coffee and biscuits and a home-cooked meal on Tuesdays. He is very appreciative of this tbf. It just feels like he's there sitting in my living room a lot! I just want him to take charge of the DC for a day not even wishing for him to have them overnight!

AIBU? And if not what can I do to improve the situation?

OP posts:
Magicbabywaves · 25/09/2020 14:01

I totally get how this would be annoying, but if his mum isn’t keen then what’s the alternative? Him and your kids wandering the streets? Is he able to get a place of his own?

Magicbabywaves · 25/09/2020 14:02

Maybe you could go out when he’s there?

zatarontoast · 25/09/2020 14:03

YANBU, but I can see from his POV that it's easier. His DM doesn't want him at her house, so unless they go to a park or shopping centre where shall he go? I do think though that one of the days he should take them out so you can have some time to yourself.

Potterpotterpotter · 25/09/2020 14:05

Well his mum entitled to not want them in her 1 bed flat.

Why doesn’t he move out ?

BrieAndChilli · 25/09/2020 14:07

Also, it’s quite limited where he can take them what with COVID and all. Could you go out, take advantage and go out with a friend, go visit family, go shopping etc?

lyralalala · 25/09/2020 14:08

What's his long-term plan for housing?

Has he got the funds to take them out somewhere on the Saturday at least? The weather is going to start being crap soon so he should be doing days out now while he can.

I think you need to start following his mother's lead and stop making it so comfortable for him (assuming you are at the point of split/divorce that he can't just decide to move back in).

Nottherealslimshady · 25/09/2020 14:11

It's not his house anymore. It's not appropriate for him to be coming into your house to spend time with them. Why does he live with his mum in a 1 bed flat?

Terrace58 · 25/09/2020 14:11

He can’t have them out of the house all the time given the pandemic. I would imagine sharing a one bedroom flat with his mother is not his ideal housing situation. What are the two of you doing to get him and the kids into suitable accommodations? Is it just a matter of him finding a flat or does he need the family home to sell to be able to afford housing?

TheDuchessofMalfy · 25/09/2020 14:12

I think you’ll have to move the divorce process on so that you can both afford your own living space. This may mean the family home being sold.

I don’t think you can complain about him being at “yours” if it’s a jointly owned home.

Terrace58 · 25/09/2020 14:13

Perhaps you should consider bird nesting? Sharing a flat and swapping which parent is in the home with the kids and which parent is off-duty at the flat.

TheDuchessofMalfy · 25/09/2020 14:13

I mean yes it’s inappropriate to have them at your house in the long but at the moment at least he’s moved out.

millymollymoomoo · 25/09/2020 14:14

What’s the long term housing arrangement? Is he at his mums because he can’t afford suitable housing? Do you own it rent? Does the family home need selling ??

Sirzy · 25/09/2020 14:14

It’s not ideal but it sounds like it’s best for the children at the moment. Can you go out for a few hours while he is there?

DeliciouslyFemale · 25/09/2020 14:17

Do you think the set up suits him, as he can have the best of both worlds? He can live with his mum and enjoy the single life, then see his kids and get his wife to continue doubt the wife work. He’s got it made, hasn’t he?

If he genuinely can’t afford his own place, then start taking advantage. He’s supposed to be spending time with his kids, not having you running around after him. Visit someone in your support bubble, go to the cinema or out for a meal. Tell him it’s his time with his kids, so he cooks dinner, etc. Lock anything in your room that you don’t want him seeing and make the most of child free time.

lioncitygirl · 25/09/2020 14:20

What’s the alternative? His wondering the streets? What’s the background - has he got a job, why hasn’t he moved out of mums house etc??

NailsNeedDoing · 25/09/2020 14:21

I had this for a while when my dc were still young, and it was draining and I didn’t like it. But it’s not easy to spend normal parenting time with your children when you don’t have a home to do it in, so I can see why it happens. The way I thought of it was that it was my dc’s home as much as it was mine and they were entitled to have their Dad over. It doesn’t last forever.

gertrudemortimer · 25/09/2020 14:26

So he doesn't have a bed? I'm going through separation at the moment and because ex won't rent even though he earns about 10x more I am going to, someone needs to leave in these situations or it just gets worse. I would never live with my parents but he must have no other option? Is he paying towards the bills for the house? I won't be paying towards the mortgage or bills anymore as I need the money to rent. I do feel bad for your ex. A pp said he's 'enjoying single life' from the sounds of it he doesn't even have a place to sleep and he lives with his mother in a tiny flat. I highly doubt he has the 'best of both worlds' sounds more like he's homeless to me.

DrizzleandDamp · 25/09/2020 14:32

It sounds annoying but kicking him out onto the streets to wander isn’t exactly good for the kids and right now there isn’t much else to do with them.

What the financial position of supporting him getting a space for the kids considering he has had to move out of the family home?

Is the mum situation laziness or basic need?

Butchyrestingface · 25/09/2020 14:34

I'm feeling a bit fed up at him never having them over at his mum's flat (she's not keen)

You think he should ride roughshod over his mother's wishes?

It sounds like he should be more hands on with his kids. But no-one is forcing you to cook him meals.

Who owns the home you're in - is it joint owned?

sunshinesheila · 25/09/2020 15:33

When he arrives be ready to leave, you have plans, back at 8pm or whatever. Even if I just went for a long walk or sat in a coffee shop or friends house.

Original poster
UndertheCedartree · 25/09/2020 15:37

I certainly don't expect him to wander the streets! I know it is more difficult with Covid but the DC have annual passes for the aquariam and local funfair (which has a large indoor play centre and crazy golf.). There are plenty of parks/playgrounds/woods/beach/libraries to go to. Just as a few ideas.

He does have a bed in the living room at his mum's flat. The arrangement is permanent and it suits them both. My house belongs solely to me. And I know I don't need to make coffee and cook him dinner but we are friends and it's what I'd do if a friend came over. Makes it nice for him and my DS to be set up with a drink and snack. I offered for him to stay for dinner on the Tuesday so he could spend more time with the DC. Otherwise he would need to leave earlier as I'm not going to cook for us and leave him with no dinner!

I'm not saying he should ride rough shod over his mum's feelings but it is his home too and it would also be nice if she'd like to see her GC - but that's another story!

OP posts:
Original poster
UndertheCedartree · 25/09/2020 15:39

I definitely should try and organise myself to go out more often when he is here!

OP posts:
shitinmyhandsandclap · 25/09/2020 15:45

If you don't want him there stop cooking his bloody dinner!

Original poster
UndertheCedartree · 25/09/2020 16:03

Tbh I don't want to be out all the time, though as I have things to do at home and I'd like some time to relax at home too. I could meet a friend for coffee sometimes or my BF for lunch perhaps.

@Terrace58 - I'm not doing anything about his housing - he's an adult he can sort it himself!

OP posts:
Original poster
UndertheCedartree · 25/09/2020 16:11

@Nottherealslimshady - so does he leave before dinner meaning even less time with DC or do we just eat in front of him?!

OP posts: