AIBU - he should look after his DC for longer not at my house

[UndertheCedartree]

Since my ex and I have split he lives with his mother at her 1 bed flat and myself and DC live in our family home. We have 2 DC together age 13 and 8. Eldest is home-educated and youngest is at school.

On a Tuesday he comes over to mine at 1.30pm (when DS is back from his class) and usually watches a film or plays video games with DS. He picks up the youngest and brings her back and stays for dinner before leaving at 8pm when youngest goes to bed. He sometimes takes them to the park or soft play after school.

On a Thursday he comes over at 12 to see DS and they pick up the youngest and go to McDonald's for dinner. He brings them back and leaves at 5pm (sometimes spends some time at mine depending on what time they get back.)

On Saturday he picks them up at 12 and takes them out then back to mine and leaves at 5pm. Again depends what they do as to how much time is at my house. Tomorrow he is taking them for lunch then back to mine.

I'm feeling a bit fed up at him never having them over at his mum's flat (she's not keen) and just having them out the house for short periods of time then back to mine. He doesn't do a lot at mine - like if youngest wants a snack or they want help with homework I do it. I even make him coffee and biscuits and a home-cooked meal on Tuesdays. He is very appreciative of this tbf. It just feels like he's there sitting in my living room a lot! I just want him to take charge of the DC for a day not even wishing for him to have them overnight!

AIBU? And if not what can I do to improve the situation?

@UndertheCedartree

I certainly don't expect him to wander the streets! I know it is more difficult with Covid but the DC have annual passes for the aquariam and local funfair (which has a large indoor play centre and crazy golf.). There are plenty of parks/playgrounds/woods/beach/libraries to go to. Just as a few ideas.

He does have a bed in the living room at his mum's flat. The arrangement is permanent and it suits them both. My house belongs solely to me. And I know I don't need to make coffee and cook him dinner but we are friends and it's what I'd do if a friend came over. Makes it nice for him and my DS to be set up with a drink and snack. I offered for him to stay for dinner on the Tuesday so he could spend more time with the DC. Otherwise he would need to leave earlier as I'm not going to cook for us and leave him with no dinner!

I'm not saying he should ride rough shod over his mum's feelings but it is his home too and it would also be nice if she'd like to see her GC - but that's another story!

It might be 'nice' of you to make a meal and snack and coffee bur he's hardly returning the favour!

I agree, you are enabling this and thereforw encouraging it. He's not pulling his weight either - bet he doesn't put a wash on while he's at your house to make sure the kids have clean stuff.

Better to smoke it out now than you be wandering the streets on a rainy night in December.

Op do you plan on ever meeting a new partner?

It would be difficult for ex to have the children visiting in a one bed flat which he shares with his mum.

I suggest you go out some of the time he is at yours and sometimes retreat to your room with a book, have a sleep, bath etc. Treat it as your time and say that you don't want to be disturbed.

If you told him you'd like him to prepare food, make drinks, etc, while he is technically looking after the children, I'm sure he would.

You both sound like reasonable people. In time ex will probably get a place of his own and then problem solved. It's nice that he is so constant in his attention to the children - no more than he should be of course but so many aren't.

I find it shocking that so many posters believe that the OP either needs to leave her own home whilst he's there or allow him to carry on rather than just explain that the current arrangement doesn't work for her and he needs to work something else out.

I actually think this is quite hard on him, and will get worse in winter. I also think if the genders were reversed, you would have different responses.
There isnt quite enough information to go on here, eg both your financial situations, whether you were married, etc

For example, I'm currently getting divorced. Our home is both of our homes because we have both contributed (him financially, me everything else) throughout our children's lives. If I was to stay in this house , he wouldn't be able to afford anything, so, that wouldn't be fair at all on him. So, the family home is being sold so that we can both afford somewhere decent to live. Instead of one of us living in luxury (you) and one of you sleeping in the lounge in their mums house. If you were married previously, the courts would not allow that at all.

The thing is, that if him living at his mums is a permanent arrangement... you have many more years of this to come.

What if you ever want to have a new relationship in the future and your Ex is always hanging around?

This is hardly him doing any parenting when he doesn't have them overnight.

Did he not think of this when he decided his mums was suitable as a permanent base?

@CheshireChat if they were married, and it's a fairly lengthy time as their eldest is 13, then legally on divorce the assets would be shared, starting point 50/50. Both parties should be housed in fairly equal housing, weighted slightly towards the resident parent; but definitely not one person having a house and the other nothing at all.

@UndertheCedartree

My point about sacrifices is that HE is the one who has left the family home and has to live with his mother in a 1 bed flat? A compromise would be selling the house and the monies used to find both of you homes where he can have the kids over? You also said your son is home schooled therefore presumably you don't work so is he covering the bills on the house?
It's easy to knock the bloke....because well....he's a man and MN rarely see it from their point of view but I'm sure there is a significant back story and information that we don't have 🤷‍♀️
So on the face of it a grown man living with his elderly mother in a 1 bed flat spending time with his kids at his former family home doesn't sound that much of a hard ship? Especially when you said it was an amicable split? Presumably he COULD have forced the sale of the family home so if it was a choice between having him over a few days per week vs selling the house i know which I'd choose?

And the living arrangement at his mother's is permanent as I've already said.

Why doesn’t he want to get his own space at some point so he can be a proper parent?
Why is he happy living somewhere that he’s forbidden to bring his own DCs?
Weird.

He probably feels bad that the kids aren’t welcome at his current flat and don’t want to expose them to that. There’s also Covid worries around aquarium /soft play, legitimately.

If he’s really living in his mum’s living room I can’t believe he’s doing that through choice.

I’d have a grown up discussion - there’s a good regular routine going on, perhaps you can incorporate some lengthy out of house time at least say once per week? So at least you know in advance and plan accordingly.

I’d also be utilising him for evenings so you can go out with your friends, he sounds like a good dad trying his best...

[quote UndertheCedartree]@lyralalala - that does sound a good option occasionaly. I do sometimes feel I need some space![/quote]
It's not perfect, and the couple I know that do it have a distance factor, but it can work.

It's all very well people saying that you should tell him X or Y, but if you know he's not going to move from his Mums and his Mum isn't welcoming of the children you need to make a plan that works in reality rather than pushing for an ideal plan that just isn't going to happen.

It's amiable, so I would talk to him about either him making drinks/snacks/dinner for himself and the kids (and possibly you as you do for him) during his time with them. If he had them elsewhere, that would be part of his time with them, so there's no reason for it not to be just because he is at the family home. I don't think it's reasonable to expect him to take them out all the time, but you could ask him to plan an outing say every other Saturday. He can work out for himself if that means going to his mum's sometimes or not.

I may be called out for this (who knows with Mumsnet)... Since separating from my ex I've always believed it's the responsibility of both parents that their children have somewhere suitable to live when they're with the other parent. When your children are with their dad they have no where to go and no one that wants them there. It doesn't seem right or fair for the children. It only seems fair on you. You haven't said if he's still paying towards the household bills? Or if he ever did pay towards them? Your house might not actually be only yours if he's contributed significantly.

I'm not saying it's all down to you (it def shouldn't be!) but I think you're going to have to work with him to get living conditions evened out. It sounds to me like he has a really shit end of the stick but I appreciate I don't know much at all about both of yours situations. I hope you manage to get it sorted.

Those are some pretty mixed signals he's being given there. I can see why he would think you're happy with the arrangement if he's being given dinner. Bearing in mind the current situation, maybe yeah, taking more ownership would be good. And do suggest at least a few more trips. It doesn't have to be walking the streets but there can be a greater focus on being out and about.

@gertrudemortimer I don't disagree with you that both parents should have a space for the children

However, the OP knows her ex and has stated the arrangement at his mother's is permanent so if she knows that won't change she's better off, imo, finding an arrangement that works for her, rather than constantly pushing for one that won't happen.

@CheshireChat

I find it shocking that so many posters believe that the OP either needs to leave her own home whilst he's there or allow him to carry on rather than just explain that the current arrangement doesn't work for her and he needs to work something else out.

I agree!! Absolutely gobsmacked at the people telling the op to leave her own and and pay for a hotel a weekend a month? Or just sit in her room out of his way? Or even go halves on a flat with him, whilst running her own house, so she can leave her house when he wants it??!! It doesn’t matter who’s made the most sacrifices, or who’s got it harder, they’re both responsible for their own living arrangements. If I were the op I’d put my foot down over her ex having contact in the house at all. He needs to find suitable accommodation or come to some sort of arrangement where he can have the kids away from his exes house. At most I’d offer to leave the house for a weekend a month, if he paid for the hotel so he could use my house

Absolutely gobsmacked at the people telling the op to leave her own and and pay for a hotel a weekend a month?

The reason I suggested that as a potential option is because if the OP knows her ex isn't going to change his living arrangements and she wants a break it's a way of getting it.

It's all very well saying to him "You need to find accommodation suitable for the children", but she can't make him so saying that constantly isn't going to get her a break.

He needs to find suitable accommodation or come to some sort of arrangement where he can have the kids away from his exes house

Suitable accommodation might involve selling the family home and splitting the proceeds......

Honestly some posters are in cloud cuckoo land here. I feel sorry for the dad! If this was a woman, Mumsnet would be insisting the family house is sold etc etc regardless of who owns it.

The OP didn’t ask for advice on the housing, only how to ensure her kids are happy but she gets some space. There are some very constructive ideas. hopefully the dad can get himself in a better financial situation and get his own place but there is a recession on!

The OP has stated that it is her house, and she doesn't say "ExH" just "ex" so the house may very well be just hers

@ivfbeenbusy

He needs to find suitable accommodation or come to some sort of arrangement where he can have the kids away from his exes house

Suitable accommodation might involve selling the family home and splitting the proceeds......

It's her house. Never belonged to him

It is exactly for situations like this, on behalf of the bloke here, that advice is to always get married especially when kids are on the scene. Otherwise in case of a split, one person is royally fucked.

Of course, though, we don't know the whole situation so posters are having to guess. It could be that the ops ex has never contributed to anything ever, and the house is her inheritance; or it could be that he has contributed fairly and is coming out of this with zero. Which would be stupendously unfair.

@UndertheCedartree I agree that this isn't sustainable.

Your ex needs to sort something so he can have his kids outside of your home. You shouldn't have to feel uncomfortable/leave your own home because your ex is coming over to see your kids.

It's fine for the short term if it was a recent split, but there needs to be another plan in place for sure.

Tbh I'm surprised that him living with his mum in a one-bed flat is a 'permanent arrangement' as it's really not suitable when he has 2 kids...particularly if his mum won't let them come over! Even a one-bed flat to himself would be much better.

Also presumably he'd want to have the kids overnight at some points so he does need to find another solution.

THE OP OWNS THE HOUSE