AIBU - he should look after his DC for longer not at my house

[UndertheCedartree]

Since my ex and I have split he lives with his mother at her 1 bed flat and myself and DC live in our family home. We have 2 DC together age 13 and 8. Eldest is home-educated and youngest is at school.

On a Tuesday he comes over to mine at 1.30pm (when DS is back from his class) and usually watches a film or plays video games with DS. He picks up the youngest and brings her back and stays for dinner before leaving at 8pm when youngest goes to bed. He sometimes takes them to the park or soft play after school.

On a Thursday he comes over at 12 to see DS and they pick up the youngest and go to McDonald's for dinner. He brings them back and leaves at 5pm (sometimes spends some time at mine depending on what time they get back.)

On Saturday he picks them up at 12 and takes them out then back to mine and leaves at 5pm. Again depends what they do as to how much time is at my house. Tomorrow he is taking them for lunch then back to mine.

I'm feeling a bit fed up at him never having them over at his mum's flat (she's not keen) and just having them out the house for short periods of time then back to mine. He doesn't do a lot at mine - like if youngest wants a snack or they want help with homework I do it. I even make him coffee and biscuits and a home-cooked meal on Tuesdays. He is very appreciative of this tbf. It just feels like he's there sitting in my living room a lot! I just want him to take charge of the DC for a day not even wishing for him to have them overnight!

AIBU? And if not what can I do to improve the situation?

What are the two of you doing to get him and the kids into suitable accommodations?

Is that for real?
Wtf!
He's a grown man ffs!

@UndertheCedartree

Ok if the arrangement is permanent then you need to set things up well now.

A friend of mine in a similar arrangement takes his kids to a Premier Inn every 4 weeks. He collects them early Satursday morning, they spend all day Saturday out and about, they have dinner or a takeaway and stay in the hotel Saturday night and then they go swimming on a Sunday. He drops them back in the afternoon. There's a distance involved with them, but there's no reason your ex couldn't do the same once a month or so.

Stop with the snacks and dinners!! He’s got a cushy number hasn’t he?

@Terrace58

Perhaps you should consider bird nesting? Sharing a flat and swapping which parent is in the home with the kids and which parent is off-duty at the flat.

Is that actually a thing?!

That's awful! Imagine leaving a partner but still being tied to the fucker!

You're giving him mixed messages if you don't want him there. If I was at someone's house and they offered me drinks and dinner, I'd think I was very welcome.

But agree with pp, it won't last forever.

@canigohomenow
I just read a book with that; did not end well 🙄🤣

@SBTLove - so I make coffee and biscuits for me and my DS and don't make him a drink? Isn't that just petty?!

I’m sure he’s capable of doing them for everyone instead of you keeping up
the wife work

@CoRhona - yes, I see what you're saying. The thing is he is welcome to come and spend time with his DC - I just wish he stayed out with them longer/took them back to the flat some of the time. It has large rooms - plenty of room in the living room for them to visit sometimes.

It sounds like you have quite an amicable relationship that would weather a talk about this.

What's his financial situation? You said sharing with his mother is a permanent arrangement?

What about once a month or so he books a hotel room and takes the kids off for a staycation so that you have some space and time to yourself?

@SBTLove - maybe I should suggest that. I think he probably hasn't done it as it would seem presumptous to go into someone else's kitchen and start making drinks and snacks. I could tell him he is welcome to help himself to coffee and the biscuit tin and to make me a coffee while he's at it!

Why are you cooking for him and makes him cups of tea if you don't want him there?

Moving back in to live with your Mum as an adult with children of your own hardly sounds like enjoying the delights of a single live, TBF.

@vanillandhoney - I want him to spend time with the DC. If that is happening at my house then I just make him a drink/dinner when I make it for everyone else. I feel it would be petty to just eat in front of him and not offer him any.

Considering your youngest child is 8 this could go on for a long time. He needs to have them at his. Obviously it is his Mother's house but what the hell did she expect him to do about seeing his children?

Did she just think you would keep this arrangement up forever? If he isn't willing to get his own place then he needs to talk to his Mum and arrange to have the children at his house. Long term this cannot continue.

@cabingirl - yes very amicable. I was just trying to work out what was reasonable to ask before talking to him and also try and sort out in my head what I feel I need. I think the week day arrangements would be fine if he took them out for longer on a Saturday. His financial situation is not great but he has some spare to spend on the DC.

@EveryDayIsADuvetDay - you're right he certainly isn't 'enjoying the single life'.

He's in a one bed flat with his mother - YABU! You were the one who kept the family home? What compromises/sacrifices did you make?
He won't be at his mothers forever

(As an aside if he's at yours 2 days per week playing games with DS and going to McDonald's how much home schooling is he actually contributing to??)

I mean he's quite happy with his life but the DC are very central to his life.

He's not being a parent is he? He's being a guest. At the very least, on the days he has the kids, he should bring and prepare food, drinks and snacks for himself and them. Is your house big enough that you can make yourself scarce?

In the longer run, if having him at your house doesn't work for you, then he needs to sort out a place he can have the kids.

@HattonsMustard - unfortunately she has never had much time for her GC.

@ivfbeenbusy - it is my house. What sacrifices did I make? A hell of a lot. I don't feel it's particularly relevant to this thread, though. But I do the lionshare of the childcare for a start. And the living arrangement at his mother's is permanent as I've already said. He doesn't contribute to DS's education except financially.

[quote UndertheCedartree]@vanillandhoney - I want him to spend time with the DC. If that is happening at my house then I just make him a drink/dinner when I make it for everyone else. I feel it would be petty to just eat in front of him and not offer him any.[/quote]
But it's not your job to enable that - he's an adult. If his accommodation isn't suitable for them, then he needs to take them out and entertain them out of the house.

Stop enabling his poor behaviour! Why would he make an effort to get a new house if he knows he can come to you and get fed for free?

The other option, if you have a spare bed or sofa, is that once a month you book yourself a night in a hotel and leave him to it

It's not ideal, but if he's going to live in a one bed house with his Mum forever then the usual EOW set up simply isn't going to be possible so you'll need to think outside the box.

@Thinkingg - I think you've hit the nail on the head, actually. I think it's happened as he comes over here and I treat him like a guest. I think getting him to take more ownership of his time here would be good. The house isn't very big unfortunately and this is why I feel he is 'under my feet' at times.

@lyralalala - that does sound a good option occasionaly. I do sometimes feel I need some space!