AIBU - he should look after his DC for longer not at my house

[UndertheCedartree]

Since my ex and I have split he lives with his mother at her 1 bed flat and myself and DC live in our family home. We have 2 DC together age 13 and 8. Eldest is home-educated and youngest is at school.

On a Tuesday he comes over to mine at 1.30pm (when DS is back from his class) and usually watches a film or plays video games with DS. He picks up the youngest and brings her back and stays for dinner before leaving at 8pm when youngest goes to bed. He sometimes takes them to the park or soft play after school.

On a Thursday he comes over at 12 to see DS and they pick up the youngest and go to McDonald's for dinner. He brings them back and leaves at 5pm (sometimes spends some time at mine depending on what time they get back.)

On Saturday he picks them up at 12 and takes them out then back to mine and leaves at 5pm. Again depends what they do as to how much time is at my house. Tomorrow he is taking them for lunch then back to mine.

I'm feeling a bit fed up at him never having them over at his mum's flat (she's not keen) and just having them out the house for short periods of time then back to mine. He doesn't do a lot at mine - like if youngest wants a snack or they want help with homework I do it. I even make him coffee and biscuits and a home-cooked meal on Tuesdays. He is very appreciative of this tbf. It just feels like he's there sitting in my living room a lot! I just want him to take charge of the DC for a day not even wishing for him to have them overnight!

AIBU? And if not what can I do to improve the situation?

Him making his current living situation permanent screams of dependence and sheer laziness.

Mummy probably does his cooking/cleaning/washing/ironing and he gets to see his kids without taking on any responsibility.

I'm sure his living situation will be attractive to any potentially girlfriends;I mean who wouldn't want their blokes mum walking in on you having sex or staring at you having a lie in whilst they eat their cornflakes.

Tbh seeing the kids at yours means he gets to check up on what your doing and gives you no time to yourself.Treat yourself to a night in a hotel or a weekend away and tell him he can look after the kids at yours.

I can only guess he likes his current set up as he’s too fucking lazy to change it. And he should be as he has 2 children to look after and he should be doing that at his own house. As in, not sleeping in his mum’s front room.

I had this situation with XH for a few years. We weren't as amicable as you seem to be @UndertheCedartree but it was the only way he could see the DC so I went along with it until he was in a position to have them at his.

We had an arrangement where he came every other Saturday and slept on the sofa and left on Sunday evening.

I used the time as my time - so I spent time in my room, I got a TV so I could catch up on boxsets, read books and has pamper sessions. I also delegated all parenting to XH for the time he was there. It took a little while to get the hang of not knocking on my door for every little thing but a cheerful 'ask your dad, he's in charge' every time sorted it. I also did not cook, provide snacks or cups of tea for anyone - he was in charge and that meant that he fed his children, in the same way he does now that they see him at his home. Basically, he wasn't my guest so I didn't treat him as such.

Would checking out like that work for you?

@UndertheCedartree

I've just read you have a boyfriend.Could possibly stay say 2 nights a week with him and leave the ex husband with the kids so he does his fair share and you get time off?

@popsydoodle4444 - I think it is the easy option for him. To be fair, though his mum is not very maternal so I don't thinks she does those things for him (he lived with his dad growing up). I'd be suprised if he started a new relationship tbh. Don't think it's on his radar. I am definitely going to have a night away!

@LizzyBennett - I like the idea of relaxing in my room sometimes and leave them to it! I'll give it a try.

Your ex has been a dependent for a very long time - first on his father, then on you OP, now on his DM.

He won't change until he has to - I bet his DM doesn't know the sofa arrangement at hers is 'permanent'. And I suspect it won't be, so I'd wait for the row and him getting his own place, paid for by his parents.

@Supersimkin2 - I'm not so sure. He has his own bed (not sofa bed) and a pretty permanent set up. He actually spent a lot of his childhood in care as his dad's family was very abusive. He is non-contact with his dad now.

You say YOU cook then & him tea once a week.

I'd suggest find something to do on one of those afternoons and ask/tell HIM to shop and cook for the 4 of you. So it's all nice and ready for you to enjoy when you get home.

All you have to do is make the kids be available for his contact, you should not be hosting him as a guest or having him use your property as a contact centre where he gets free catering, what he does during his contact time is solely his issue. Keep your property for yourself and your kids, certainly don’t leave him with free access to all your stuff, ffs, this must be really confusing for the kids having their father back and forth, leave it for him to sort out, just tell him your home is no longer available for use as a contact centre.

It's all clear from your updates why he is not looking for his own accommodation.

A combination of not him not growing up, mental health issues and his childhood...time in care etc...must have made things quite difficult for those things will have had a very negative effect on him...leaving you feeling like the only adult in the relationship. Very draining indeed.

@SandyY2K - yes, that makes sense. It probably explains why I can feel exhausted around him and that I need a break!

I think a combination of:
You go to a hotel or your boyfriend's for overnights maybe twice a month.
You have a serious word with his DM (if she wants to see the GCs EVER she needs to have them in her house). Timetable once a week at hers when she can go out if she wants.
He has one day when he has to go out (where he likes).
He has one day when he can come to yours (I may have too many days already) but he has to pitch in. Maybe he could make tea that day.

I think he's had a really rough time. Rotten childhood. Now he is back home with his mum. Sounds awful. If you sell the house can you both afford your own place.