AIBU - he should look after his DC for longer not at my house

[UndertheCedartree]

Since my ex and I have split he lives with his mother at her 1 bed flat and myself and DC live in our family home. We have 2 DC together age 13 and 8. Eldest is home-educated and youngest is at school.

On a Tuesday he comes over to mine at 1.30pm (when DS is back from his class) and usually watches a film or plays video games with DS. He picks up the youngest and brings her back and stays for dinner before leaving at 8pm when youngest goes to bed. He sometimes takes them to the park or soft play after school.

On a Thursday he comes over at 12 to see DS and they pick up the youngest and go to McDonald's for dinner. He brings them back and leaves at 5pm (sometimes spends some time at mine depending on what time they get back.)

On Saturday he picks them up at 12 and takes them out then back to mine and leaves at 5pm. Again depends what they do as to how much time is at my house. Tomorrow he is taking them for lunch then back to mine.

I'm feeling a bit fed up at him never having them over at his mum's flat (she's not keen) and just having them out the house for short periods of time then back to mine. He doesn't do a lot at mine - like if youngest wants a snack or they want help with homework I do it. I even make him coffee and biscuits and a home-cooked meal on Tuesdays. He is very appreciative of this tbf. It just feels like he's there sitting in my living room a lot! I just want him to take charge of the DC for a day not even wishing for him to have them overnight!

AIBU? And if not what can I do to improve the situation?

@DeliciouslyFemale

THE OP OWNS THE HOUSE

That's irrelevant as people on MN know all too well in a divorce or break up

They were together 13 years and he would have contributed financially in some way therefore accrued a financial interest in the home

(MN would be in uproar if a woman walked away after 13 years and ended up in a shared 1 bed just because her name wasn't on the title deeds)

I hate to break it to you, but, at 13 soft play and the aquarium aren't going to be attractive for much longer. Your DC aren't going to be happy with being out for a short while and then home. If they come home they are going to want to do their own thing, not hang out with dad.

It gets much much harder when they get older.

How long has this been going on for OP?

I think the main problem is your ex’s living arrangements. Can you not go out when your ex comes over? Go out and meet a friend? I couldn’t bare that kind of set up it’s nice that you get on but it’s a bit odd too.

Have you asked the DC what they want?
Maybe they'd rather be at home rather than traipsing round ?

@LunchBoxPolice - I already have a boyfriend.
@jessstan2 - I don't understand why the DC can't visit the flat - it has a large living room. We've been over for visits in the past.
@arethereanyleftatall - we divorced amicably didn't go to court. He doesn't work due to mental illness. He didn't contribute financially or much to the house atall. He was happy for the DC to stay in their home. It is only a small 2 bed house. He chooses to live with his mother - he has other options. As for me living in luxury - I do most of the childcare, home educate my autistic son and deal with all his appointments, do all the housework, cooking, pay for all the maintenance of the house etc. He lives in a nice flat, does little housework, only cooks for himself, has hot drinks made for him and spends his days watching tv. I know which I would say is more a 'life of luxury!'

Thanks for all the viewpoints - has helped!
I'm currently planning a night away with my boyfriend!

I thought I had posted but it hadn't sent. OP you are working too hard on this. Tell him it isn't working for you. Then let him take on the brain work of finding an alternative. It is his kids / mum / life, he is best placed to find a suitable alternative. Put the ball in his court.

@SandyY2K - I already have a boyfriend. He is very understanding of the situation but also supports me to try and improve the arrangement. He gets on well with my ex and is happy to have a chat with him or watch a film. I don't think my ex particularly thought things through. But I think the current arrangement suits him.

@ivfbeenbusy - you have no idea of the sacrifices I have made in particular to my mental health. You are making assumptions that are incorrect. He doesn't have to live at his mum's he chose to. If I sold my house and gave him half - yes, he could get a 1 bed flat for himself and I'd be in a 1 bed with the 2 DC. Hardly a suitable arrangement. I don't work currently but usually I do and he covers nothing. I pay my mortgage and my bills myself. And another assumption - 'elderly' mother. She is in her 50s! Why shouldn't she see her GC once in a while? No, he couldn't have forced the sale as it is solely my house. It was an amicable divorce but that doesn't say anything about why we divorced. It doesn't mean everything was fine and dandy. It doesn't mean there wasn't trauma and pain. Do I not have the right to have some space from that sometimes?

@TwilightSkies - it is a bit wierd. Last thing I'd want to do. But he is happy there. I think it's an easy option for him. He does have MH issues so perhaps in that respect he is best to be around someone so he doesn't have a lot of time on his own.
@Pumpkinnose - he has no problem taking them to the aquariam etc sometimes so he's not avoiding them for Covid reasons. It must be horrible for him to not be able to relax in his home with them. That's why I let him do it at mine. Believe me, he is there by choice. I've talked to him about finding his own place. He is a good dad and I believe he is doing his best.

@gertrudemortimer - thank you - I hope so. I pay my own bills and always have - he has never significantly contributed and yes it is solely mine - we are divorced. I don't believe he has the bad end of the stick but that is because of the past and the things I went through in the marriage. And ultimately he is content, has no money worries, as much relaxation as he needs etc.

@Scweltish - some of the suggestions were pretty crazy! There's no way I'm sharing a flat with him or whatever it involved! That's why we're divorced.

@Bibidy - I agree but unfortunately he doesn't see it that way. And he's not bothered about having them overnight. I think the only way that will happen now is if I go away for a night. I know he would like to have them over at the flat and hopefully his mum may allow it one day. I'm actually not sure what the issue is as although she has never been that bothered about her GC we would occasionally go over in the past. I was suprised she let him stay - but it suits her I think. The only thing I can think is that because she hates me she doesn't want me to have a break!

@ivfbeenbusy - he has no financial interest in the property and we weren't together 13 years.

@Zaphodsotherhead - yes I suppose you're right but my eldest loves the aquariam right now and the indoor centre isn't just soft play - it has a cafe, a restaurant, milkshake bar, arcades and rides and he enjoys it a lot right now.

Of course once COVID is gone other options are back on - swimming, rollerskating, trampolining, bowling etc.

Has it always been just your house or did you own it together ?
Just that if he owned with you and some point might seem like his as well
Surely if he doesn't earn a great wage he may be entitled to benefits etc , but sometimes running a flat and paying child maintenance etc can be tricky if low wage
But maybe just asking him could you please keep them out from 10 am to 7 pm on a saturday ?

@70isaLimitNotaTarget - they're active children - they like going out. And they're not traipsing around they go to attractions or parks, the beach etc which they love. It's pretty normal to take DC out at the weekend at least rather than just indoors the whole time, surely?

@Notfeelinggreattoday - I always owned it. He lived here off and on. I don't have a problem as such with him living with his mum as it works for him but I just wish they could go over for the day sometimes. I have asked him to keep them out longer on a Saturday but maybe I need to be more specific about what I need.

The premier inn idea sounded good idea as well to give you a night of lf sometimes and sure dc would enjoy that
But can'T understand why gm don't want to see dc but i have mil the same , shes not that interested
Yet my own mum when my brother and partner split up my brothers kids both when he lived there and when he wasn't just to stay so they could see them

Also i don't see a problem with you making him tea or a snack etc
Its good for your dc that you get on well as long as he isn't expecting it then i think its a nice thing to do and shows you are obviously a nice person

OP not sure what advice anyone could give you. Unless he’s hoarding a load of money, that no one here could know about, he can’t magic his own house out of thin air. If his mother doesn’t want the kids there, then that can’t happen. By your own admission he can’t walk the streets with them for the time he’s with them. So your choices are to accept him seeing his kids in your house or don’t let him see them. The latter would be even more problematic.

@Notfeelinggreattoday - thanks - I know it makes the DC happy that we get on well and he stays for dinner etc.

@sst1234 - I've had some really helpful suggestions, actually. And no I don't want him walking the streets but yes he can take them out for the day/afternoon/afterschool. I don't understand why many seem to think it is a choice between staying at home or 'walking the streets' or 'traipsing about'. Do none of you ever go out for long walks or take your DC to the beach/park or out to an attraction?! He can't magic up a house but he could rent a flat if he wanted to.

I am genuinely at how many people seem to think that the OP should be sorting out her ex partner’s housing issues.

He’s not going to change anything about his living arrangements as he’s got a good deal here (in some ways) in that he gets to fun things with them, hang out in your house getting fed and watered and have people like some of those on this thread feeling sorry for him

@AGoatAteIt - it suprised me too! He definitely doesn't have a bad deal!