to expect my step children to be able to meet their new sister

[wayovermyhead]

I have been with my partner for 4 years and we have a ds1 and a dd together who is 8 weeks old. He has 2 other children with his ex. Things have always been tense between them both, but just recently things have become very much worse. She is refusing to let him see his children unless he sees them at his mothers and is insisting that under no circumstances can they come to our house if I am there or to meet their new sister.

The reasons for this are constantly changing, including to many flies in the house although she has never been here, they are not fed enough, even though I feed them breakfast lunch and an evening meal which they have to eat at 4.30 as they leave at 5 to go home so rarely finish but who wants to eat that early? she claims I have an eating disorder and therefore mental health issues, which in reality was hypermesis with both pregnancies .

AIBU to expect her to accept he has another family as well as his first 2 children, that seeing their siblings is just as important as seeing their father and she shouldnt be able to dictate where my DP sees them.

Patriciaperch I think the op is thinking of the siblings needing to meet each other, not the baby's need to see the older children specifically.

Poor children. A bitter, nasty, controlling mother will only end up with her children resenting her sooner or later. I hope you can get the legal process in place to stop her doing this (although she’ll probably just ignore it anyway if she’s as selfish as you’re describing). In the meantime your husband should carry on seeing his children at his mum’s and keep showing his children photos of their baby sibling and keep telling them he can’t wait until they can meet them and be a family. Poor kids, I bet they’d love to meet their new sibling.

Why is everything always the man's fault on MN? His ex is being totally selfish and unfair but I bet she likes the money he pays

That’s vile. I don’t agree with blocking contact but the portrayal of women as money grabbing bitches (usually by other women) is revolting. Children need to be supported, regardless of what may be going on between the parents. Contact and maintenance are separate matters from a judicial perspective for a reason. It’s attitudes like this that mean thousands of children go unsupported. 10 years and counting in my children’s case.

I think a woman who is unreasonable about access is pretty much the equivalent of a man that doesn’t pay maintenance. Both absolutely selfish, shit parents.

That’s vile. I don’t agree with blocking contact but the portrayal of women as money grabbing bitches (usually by other women) is revolting. Children need to be supported, regardless of what may be going on between the parents.

If an rp is controlling when it comes to contact for no reason other than bitterness, it just shows how selfish they are. I wouldn’t put it past them that they’re selfish in other aspects of raising their children too.

She cheated on him twice (that he knows of) and then he met someone Two years later and is happy in his new life. She's a jealous old trout still trying to impact his life.

She's due a big old bunch of karma tbh.

it's not really her call though, is it? we still don't know how old the older sibling children are  it is ultimately up to them if they are of an age to decide and maybe they aren't confident enough to express those views (to either parent) so they go to their Gran's house as it is safer, less volatile space. The OP doesn't talk to or see their Mother, she just has a second hand account of what is happening

You're completely extrapolating any notion that this is coming from the kids, it's pure speculation and all the evidence points to it being the mother's decision.

IT'S ABOUT THE CHILDREN ffs
There is no urgency for them to see a baby

Only in a stepfamily situation do some people completely overthink something as normal as siblings meeting and having a relationship with each other

There is no urgency for them to see a baby

Can't believe after the amount of people on here I've seen saying the step/siblings MUST be the first to meet their siblings, and delicately handled so they don't in any way feel left out, there's now somebody shouting into the wind about how there's no reason a step child could benefit from being included in the birth of their half siblings. Goes to show some people will find a way to say anything people do regarding their step children is wrong 🤷‍♀️

If an rp is controlling when it comes to contact for no reason other than bitterness, it just shows how selfish they are. I wouldn’t put it past them that they’re selfish in other aspects of raising their children too

Making assumptions does nothing at all to solve the problems. Rather, it just builds resentment. A bit of an open mind, understanding there’s more than one way of looking at a problem is far more likely to get you what you’re looking for than taking a combative approach to everything. Comments along the lines of It bet she likes the money he pays’ just distract from the issue. She has every right to expect maintenance to support the children. Suggesting otherwise - which is what comments like that do - just makes sure everyone digs their heels in.

And you have no idea what her reasons are. Or even that she’s bitter.

@Frankola
I only asked the question.
I didn't give a view that she was right.

And you have no idea what her reasons are. Or even that she’s bitter.

Of course she’s bitter. She’s not allowing her children to go to their other home because she’s got the hump with the op and the op’s children. She doesn’t want her children to go there if the op and her children are there and expects the op’s dh to live some weird double life where his children never see each other to pander to her insecurities.

Like I said upthread, if the op was the one saying she doesn’t want the children to be there then there would be lots of people complaining. But if the mum says it then that’s all ok?

I think it’s a nasty assumption that people are commenting on him not standing up for his kids and getting a court order. Some women clearly don’t understand how expensive Solictors and courts are unless u are entitled to legal aid!! And therefore the process is slow If the mother wants to drag it out by not showing up to a few court dates and having it dragged out for months on months. causing the father to have to find means of more money to keep the process going! Maybe u should all get off ur high horse!

Sorry ur partner is going through this. Me and and partner are dealing with this exact same thing. He raised his kids with his ex for 13 years and then they split... met me a year later and she done everything to make excuses for him not to see his kids. She’s called the police on us for trying to text them or him showing up at Xmas with gifts . And now that we have have our own baby on the way she has completely cut all his contact and calls the police anytime he shows up to the house. Sending Solictors letters and has racked us up thousands and got us nowhere as she kept not showing to court... we ended up having to give up our home as we couldn’t afford our rent. She has his kids believing he hates them as they don’t see all his court letters being sent to their mum etc. And then when covid hit all family court stopped . Now he has lost his job due to covid and we are trying to get him legal aid to continue to process. So I understand how ur feeling. It’s truely awful.

And I will verify that he’s a great dad and amazing to my daughter but his ex just never did get over him and became so bitter when her kids got on with mine in the beginning when I was allowed to meet them. But once she realised I wasn’t a temporary fixture and then became his fiancé she has down everything to break him by means of turning his children against him

we have a one sided version of what is happening, as do most of these threads
That 100% The mother is not stopping the kids seeing his children, she's fine with him seeing him at his mum, she has an issue with OP.

OP is not going to come and admit things she might or might not be doing that might be reasonable to considered as concern to her.

She might a mad, jealous, bitter or ex, or a mother with genuine concerns relating to OP. The real question is, why isn't her OH going to his mum to see his elder kids whilst still battling to see them at his home.

@PatriciaPerch

I don't really care what you think I am doing, it isn't about any of you or the stepmum, mum or dad, IT'S ABOUT THE CHILDREN ffs There is no urgency for them to see a baby

I disagree as someone with half and step siblings and also as a step-mother. It is much easier to make a bond with a sibling as a baby than an older child.

I also know and met people who didn't know they had half-siblings until they were adults. In a couple of cases one of them died prematurely and the upset of not being able to have a long term relationship with someone who is counted as a sibling is not something you want to see.

Adults without half-siblings simply do not understand this.

@dontdisturbmenow the ex has no say in who is around the OP's step children when they are with their dad regardless of whether the OP and the ex hate each other.

I think it could be quite upsetting for children to see their dad with his new partner and new babies. All a nice happy little family. That could have been them. Perhaps their Mum wants to protect them from this

The children know there’s a baby.

The children are now not allowed to a place that has been their home and a part of their lives, either because of the OP or because of the baby.

How is that going to make them feel?

Excluded. Unwanted. Cast aside for Daddy’s new baby. Daddy doesn’t want them.

OP we’ve had a similar problem with my partner’s ex, you absolutely have to seek a court ordered arrangement. In the meantime keep your boundaries high.

Your partner should take whatever contact is allowed in the meantime, but it needs to be made clear that he is complying so that he can see his children, but that he does not accept her reasons for doing so. Do so in writing through a solicitor.

Has he had any advice from a solicitor at all?

I don’t particularly rate solicitors but it is useful to have someone who is the point of contact, the situation is stressful and the relationship will break down between them further.

Solicitors have the added benefit that the other party feels they need one.

Once they realise from their solicitor they don’t have a case and that this is going to be expensive to respond to, it generally focusses the mind on the bigger issues and encourages an agreement which can be court ordered, without involving further hearings.

• @dontdisturbmenow the ex has no say in who is around the OP's step children when they are with their dad regardless of whether the OP and the ex hate each other.*

She can if there’s a safeguarding issue.

She can if there’s a safeguarding issue
There have been enough posting on here of mother's asking if they should stop her kids going to their dad due to concerns and everyone replying that it was the right thing to do.

In this instance, she might have a good reason or not. We'll never know.

If there is no orders she can not 'do' anything as in stopping things, they could live with you (not suggesting it!) If there no orders to say they can't. He has the right to have the children see who he likes unless there is order to say the children can't. So he needs to stand up to her.
Same as he cant dictate who she sees or not

Or get on with the orders, if you already have 2 kids with him surely the court orders cant have taken this long, why has he taken so long to start the process?

*There have been enough posting on here of mother's asking if they should stop her kids going to their dad due to concerns and everyone replying that it was the right thing to do.

In this instance, she might have a good reason or not. We'll never know.*

Are you really so determined to side with the mum in every scenario that you will say OP is being unreasonable, because there COULD plausibly be an undisclosed history of abuse? Of course there COULD be, but there is absolutely nothing to suggest there is and even if there was, the mum is not doing the kids any favours by choosing to list a load of ridiculous, petty reasons the kids can't come to stay, rather than the serious safeguarding issue.

Why is it so hard for some people to admit a mum could be in the wrong? Why does it need to be said that she's probably still right because OP could be lying, when there's nothing to suggest she is?