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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to expect my step children to be able to meet their new sister

143 replies

wayovermyhead · 24/09/2020 17:47

I have been with my partner for 4 years and we have a ds1 and a dd together who is 8 weeks old. He has 2 other children with his ex. Things have always been tense between them both, but just recently things have become very much worse. She is refusing to let him see his children unless he sees them at his mothers and is insisting that under no circumstances can they come to our house if I am there or to meet their new sister.

The reasons for this are constantly changing, including to many flies in the house although she has never been here, they are not fed enough, even though I feed them breakfast lunch and an evening meal which they have to eat at 4.30 as they leave at 5 to go home so rarely finish but who wants to eat that early? she claims I have an eating disorder and therefore mental health issues, which in reality was hypermesis with both pregnancies .

AIBU to expect her to accept he has another family as well as his first 2 children, that seeing their siblings is just as important as seeing their father and she shouldnt be able to dictate where my DP sees them.

OP posts:
RoseTintedAtuin · 24/09/2020 20:37

Th ex does not have to facilitate a relationship with their half siblings that is down to the DH and the OP who have expressed they want this. He has not abandoned his family and made a new one, he has left his ex but wants to encompass his children in his family set up, again this would seem to be the best, more stable set up and therefore all adults should be making the effort to make it work. As for children being upset at seeing him with new partner and children, yes there are new dynamics and relationships to forge and become settled within but this issue isn’t going anywhere so at some point has to be dealt with. IMO it is better to address this early while children are young babies and before they are all old enough to resent each other.

RedRumTheHorse · 24/09/2020 20:37

@Viviennemary

I think it could be quite upsetting for children to see their dad with his new partner and new babies. All a nice happy little family. That could have been them. Perhaps their Mum wants to protect them from this.
It isn't upsetting.

But then I'm only speaking from my experience. I also have friends with the same experience.

lyralalala · 24/09/2020 20:39

@PatriciaPerch

I just don't think we know tbqh whether the Mother is actively blocking the relationship or not or for what reasons and we don't know how old the older siblings are either, more than 4 is the only nuance from details posted.

I still think it is about the children fwiw and not what the adult wants and needs are and that works both ways.

The OP says...

She is refusing to let him see his children unless he sees them at his mothers and is insisting that under no circumstances can they come to our house if I am there or to meet their new sister.

So she is actively blocking the relationship between the siblings. Which is an utterly selfish move.

Original poster
wayovermyhead · 24/09/2020 20:39

@Viviennemary

My partner did not abandon his family. The relationship broke down because she cheated and then after a further attempt she cheated again. He has always paid maintenance and has continually tried to have contact thoughout

OP posts:
keeprocking · 24/09/2020 20:40

Take her to court, she cannot dictate like this, too many woment treat their children as bargaining chips.

lyralalala · 24/09/2020 20:41

@Viviennemary

I think it could be quite upsetting for children to see their dad with his new partner and new babies. All a nice happy little family. That could have been them. Perhaps their Mum wants to protect them from this.
They've already met the first of their siblings and the OP so that ship sailed long ago.
Vivi0 · 24/09/2020 20:44

@PatriciaPerch

they are still allowed to see their Father from the details posted but at his Mother's house?
And?

It is not for the children’s mother to dictate to their father where he sees his own children.

keeprocking · 24/09/2020 20:44

Yet another pathetic bloke who won’t stand up for his kids

Why is everything always the man's fault on MN? His ex is being totally selfish and unfair but I bet she likes the money he pays.

LemonadeAndSchnapps · 24/09/2020 20:47

How does his mother feel about having to have her grandchildren at her house for contact? Are they close? Does his mother have his back?

Oliversmumsarmy · 24/09/2020 20:51

She is refusing to let him see his children unless he sees them at his mothers and is insisting that under no circumstances can they come to our house if I am there or to meet their new sister

Might be a technicality but what if you were at his mothers house.

All the reasons she gives then don’t stand up if it is his mother who is in charge of feeding and looking after them and you and their step siblings were in a 3rd parties house.

keeprocking · 24/09/2020 20:52

I think it could be quite upsetting for children to see their dad with his new partner and new babies. All a nice happy little family. That could have been them. Perhaps their Mum wants to protect them from this

From the sound of this woman I doubt protecting her children has anything to do with it, it's a part of her vindictive game against her ex.
Those saying that he should go along with the ex's demand that he sees his children at his mother's house, why should he dance to her tune? If he does then she'll put another condition in place, he has to wear a red jumper etc., she is of a type.

lyralalala · 24/09/2020 20:52

@PatriciaPerch

they are still allowed to see their Father from the details posted but at his Mother's house?
Or at his house as long as the OP and her baby aren’t there

So she is actively blocking the children having a relationship with their siblings

Almostlegible · 24/09/2020 20:55

With regard to the sibling contact, let’s not forget the OP’s two children who deserve contact with their older siblings.

P999 · 24/09/2020 20:55

How old are his other children? Whatever the rights and wrongs, the best way forward is probably to find some kind of less confrontational way of making her see sense. Of course she is in the wrong, but that doesnt get anyone anywhere. And legal route should be last resort as will leave lots of scars for all. What has your DP tried to do to make her see this is not good for anyone, especially the kids? Sorry you're in this situation

ivykaty44 · 24/09/2020 20:56

its not acceptable to be telling the other parent where and when they can take there children. If thats the case does he get to tell her where she can and can't take the children and who they see?

LemonadeAndSchnapps · 24/09/2020 20:57

Where have you gone, op?

funinthesun19 · 24/09/2020 20:58

I don't think his ex should be forced to have anything to do with you or your children. Obviously she doesn't want to. We're you the OW.

Oh no whatever will they do? Hmm

I’m sure they’ll live.

P999 · 24/09/2020 21:03

I'm sorry to ask this, but when you say he pays maintenance, is it a readonable amount or the bare minimum? Please dont take this the wrong way, but it might be a factor here

lilmishap · 24/09/2020 21:06

@Viviennemary They've been together FOUR years that's a long time in a kids life, there is no new partner.

Mum expects OP to leave her own home? she can get to fuck.

Dominicgoings · 24/09/2020 21:08

[quote wayovermyhead]@Viviennemary

My partner did not abandon his family. The relationship broke down because she cheated and then after a further attempt she cheated again. He has always paid maintenance and has continually tried to have contact thoughout[/quote]
Children are not pay per view so take maintenance RIGHT out of the equation.

Correct me if I’m wrong but in the space of four years, these children have experienced the break up of their parents in acrimonious circumstances.
Then two years ago, their dad met you and you’ve since had two more children?
How long were you with their dad before he introduced you to the kids?
And how old are they?

PatriciaPerch · 24/09/2020 21:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RealLifeHotWaterBottle · 24/09/2020 21:17

Dominicgoings i read it as 6 years since the split, 2 years later the op met her DP and now its 4 years since they've been together

Smallereveryday · 24/09/2020 21:18

Why the fuck don't men sort this out from the FIRST sign of using the kids as weapons ??

It cost £215 ffs... you DON't need a lawyer !! (Unless you have been an unfit parent ... drugs, alcohol, abuse etc) in which case you need to pay and then I hope you get fuck all..

But if you are a regular guy from a divorce, enforce your CHILDRENS rights for you first children to see their father !!

funinthesun19 · 24/09/2020 21:18

At the end of the day it’s not the OP who the children will resent in years to come. It will be their own mother because she won’t let her children have a proper relationship with their own SIBLINGS.

The ex wife doesn’t have to have anything to do with the op or her children. They don’t have to talk or have any contact whatsoever. It’s really no loss to the op. The ex isn’t some sort of VIP. The op just wants the children to all be in the family home together instead of their lives being micro managed by the ex.

I bet anyone who thinks the op is being unreasonable would also be the first to complain if the OP said she doesn’t want her stepchildren around and didn’t want them to be part of the family.

Dominicgoings · 24/09/2020 21:24

@RealLifeHotWaterBottle

Dominicgoings i read it as 6 years since the split, 2 years later the op met her DP and now its 4 years since they've been together
Yeah apologies I misunderstood the timeline.