to expect my step children to be able to meet their new sister

[wayovermyhead]

I have been with my partner for 4 years and we have a ds1 and a dd together who is 8 weeks old. He has 2 other children with his ex. Things have always been tense between them both, but just recently things have become very much worse. She is refusing to let him see his children unless he sees them at his mothers and is insisting that under no circumstances can they come to our house if I am there or to meet their new sister.

The reasons for this are constantly changing, including to many flies in the house although she has never been here, they are not fed enough, even though I feed them breakfast lunch and an evening meal which they have to eat at 4.30 as they leave at 5 to go home so rarely finish but who wants to eat that early? she claims I have an eating disorder and therefore mental health issues, which in reality was hypermesis with both pregnancies .

AIBU to expect her to accept he has another family as well as his first 2 children, that seeing their siblings is just as important as seeing their father and she shouldnt be able to dictate where my DP sees them.

[2020wish]

@GalaxyCookieCrumble his kids are young. Between 6 and 10. And she had cut contact and the police have rang us in regards to her ringing him against him. What I’ve wrote has already happened.

@makingmammaries it’s unfair to think he hasn’t started the process of a court order and been held back with her not showing up or then covid hitting and putting everything on hold like I wrote happened to my partner

[makingmammaries]

He should have got a court order ages ago. What is an unfair assumption?

[GalaxyCookieCrumble]

@2020wish

I think it’s a nasty assumption that people are commenting on him not standing up for his kids and getting a court order. Some women clearly don’t understand how expensive Solictors and courts are unless u are entitled to legal aid!! And therefore the process is slow If the mother wants to drag it out by not showing up to a few court dates and having it dragged out for months on months. causing the father to have to find means of more money to keep the process going! Maybe u should all get off ur high horse!

Sorry ur partner is going through this. Me and and partner are dealing with this exact same thing. He raised his kids with his ex for 13 years and then they split... met me a year later and she done everything to make excuses for him not to see his kids. She’s called the police on us for trying to text them or him showing up at Xmas with gifts . And now that we have have our own baby on the way she has completely cut all his contact and calls the police anytime he shows up to the house. Sending Solictors letters and has racked us up thousands and got us nowhere as she kept not showing to court... we ended up having to give up our home as we couldn’t afford our rent. She has his kids believing he hates them as they don’t see all his court letters being sent to their mum etc. And then when covid hit all family court stopped . Now he has lost his job due to covid and we are trying to get him legal aid to continue to process. So I understand how ur feeling. It’s truely awful.

And I will verify that he’s a great dad and amazing to my daughter but his ex just never did get over him and became so bitter when her kids got on with mine in the beginning when I was allowed to meet them. But once she realised I wasn’t a temporary fixture and then became his fiancé she has down everything to break him by means of turning his children against him

With respect, the Police have better things to do then turn up to you giving the kids their Xmas gifts etc. If his kids are teenagers, their views will be listened too in court, they are old enough to make arrangements direct without you having to go through the court.

[lilmishap]

Dad's time is dad's time. Mum does not get a say.

Christ imagine a woman saying he won't let my kids be with me in my home unless my partner of Four fucking years and the father of my Two kids and my kids go out the whole time.

We'd be advising stop contact and contact women's aid
.

[lilmishap]

@viviennemary you abandon your family by cheating on him twice.

Good mums don't treat their kids dad and their kids siblings like shit and expect the kids not to notice.

[Happyheartlovelife]

@Viviennemary

If my DH abandoned his family and went off and started a new one with somebody else that would bebhis choice. And I wouldn't be facilitating relationships between half siblings. That would be up to them when they are old enough to choose. If the courts decide differently then of course people need to abide by that.

Jesus

No wonder some kids are screwed up.

[Happyheartlovelife]

@Viviennemary

If my DH abandoned his family and went off and started a new one with somebody else that would bebhis choice. And I wouldn't be facilitating relationships between half siblings. That would be up to them when they are old enough to choose. If the courts decide differently then of course people need to abide by that.

Jesus

No wonder some kids are screwed up.

[funinthesun19]

I think it could be quite upsetting for children to see their dad with his new partner and new babies. All a nice happy little family. That could have been them. Perhaps their Mum wants to protect them from this

And what’s the alternative? They just never be part of that family unit and they need “protecting” from it? That’s a sure fire way of excluding the children!

I can guarantee you now that if a stepmum didn’t want her stepchildren there, then people would accuse her of not including the children in the family unit.

And I can ALSO guarantee that children would not need this “protection” if it was the mum having a new baby.

How many people on here would accept their ex dictating to them? You wouldn’t! You’d laugh and tell him to fuck off!

[TingeOfTheGinge]

@Kalula

OP if you're not married, neither you nor your daughter have any rights here. If you were married, and your home was the marital home, your husband would have every legal protection and right to see his children in your joint home. Just saying. At the moment you have no legal rights at all, marriage makes it so that your husband could have his kids at your house. Just saying it would make the whole situation a whole, whole lot easier.

Genuine question- why does marriage change anything in a legal sense in this issue? I'd have thought that it's his home and her home, nothing else matters. If there is something genuinely changed by marriage then I'm interested to know.

[Mittens030869]

I did say 'probably', didn't I? I obviously don't know, same as you don't know that there is a safeguarding issue. (I was being abused at home as a child, so I know very well that there are safeguarding issues in some cases.)

What I'm saying is that speculating is pointless, as we don't know.

[HoppingPavlova]

I do t understand how it’s gotten this far without him going to court or were the kids at your place previously but now only at his mothers for visits after the last 8 weeks after the birth of the sibling (which would then make sense).

[aSofaNearYou]

@dontdisturbmenow Stop reading what suits me? How ironic.

The mum has given her reasons why they can't visit and none of them are legitimate. If she has valid reasons she should share them, but yes, unless the whole thread is a lie (which is pointless speculation) the mum is in the wrong. She has not given any valid reasons. You are grasping to find ways she could possibly be justified.

[dontdisturbmenow]

Yes, there probably is another side to this, but it most probably isn't a safeguarding issue
How would you know?

[dontdisturbmenow]

Are you really so determined to side with the mum in every scenario that you will say OP is being unreasonable
What are you on about? Stop reading what suits you. I'm not saying the mum is in the right, I'm saying we don't know. She could have been the one writing and the responses would have been totally different.

What we know is that she's ok with the kids seeing their dad at his mother's, so it's not about refusing access but some concerns about what is happening in the home. Might be legitimate or not. The fact that OP is posting here doesn't mean they are definitely not.

Just as if it was mum posting to say she had concerns about the kids welfare around OP wouldn't mean these were legitimate.

[Mittens030869]

Why is it so hard for some people to admit a mum could be in the wrong? Why does it need to be said that she's probably still right because OP could be lying, when there's nothing to suggest she is?

I've always found on any step parent thread there are posters who pop up to say that the OP must by definition be U and the mum must have a good reason because mum is always right.

This is just not true. There are some lovely stepmums, who always have their stepchildren's best interest at heart. My DSis is one of those; she loves her DSS as much as the three she went on to have with their dad, and he's very close to his half siblings (the word 'half' is never used either).

Blended families really can work, but all the adults involved need to be on the same page and behave like adults, rather than looking to score points.

Yes, there probably is another side to this, but it most probably isn't a safeguarding issue, and inventing complex reasons why the mum is justified in the stance she's taken (or that the OP must have been the OW) really isn't helpful.

[Starlight39]

It sounds like going to court is the only option here so he should assertively pursue that ASAP. In the meantime, I think he just needs to see the older DC at his Mum's to maintain the relationship, give them lots of love and show them plenty of videos of their little sister (and brother) and tell them she can't wait to meet them etc. Maybe if age appropriate a little teddy or something and all 4 of the children have matching ones. Anything to reassure them and keep the bond there.

It's totally shit of her to do this but you need to play the long game with this one. If she refuses to let him see them at all until he gets a court order (several months?), the children will be the ones who lose most. My uncle who is a mental health nurse said "surround them with a sea of reasonableness" when I was going through a very tricky time with my exH after we split and I often remember that even now!

[Kalula]

OP if you're not married, neither you nor your daughter have any rights here. If you were married, and your home was the marital home, your husband would have every legal protection and right to see his children in your joint home. Just saying. At the moment you have no legal rights at all, marriage makes it so that your husband could have his kids at your house. Just saying it would make the whole situation a whole, whole lot easier.

[movingonup20]

He needs a court order. Unless there's child protection issues you don't get to dictate what the other parent does in their contact time

[aSofaNearYou]

There have been enough posting on here of mother's asking if they should stop her kids going to their dad due to concerns and everyone replying that it was the right thing to do.

In this instance, she might have a good reason or not. We'll never know.

Are you really so determined to side with the mum in every scenario that you will say OP is being unreasonable, because there COULD plausibly be an undisclosed history of abuse? Of course there COULD be, but there is absolutely nothing to suggest there is and even if there was, the mum is not doing the kids any favours by choosing to list a load of ridiculous, petty reasons the kids can't come to stay, rather than the serious safeguarding issue.

Why is it so hard for some people to admit a mum could be in the wrong? Why does it need to be said that she's probably still right because OP could be lying, when there's nothing to suggest she is?

[seayork2020]

If there is no orders she can not 'do' anything as in stopping things, they could live with you (not suggesting it!) If there no orders to say they can't. He has the right to have the children see who he likes unless there is order to say the children can't. So he needs to stand up to her.
Same as he cant dictate who she sees or not

Or get on with the orders, if you already have 2 kids with him surely the court orders cant have taken this long, why has he taken so long to start the process?

[dontdisturbmenow]

She can if there’s a safeguarding issue
There have been enough posting on here of mother's asking if they should stop her kids going to their dad due to concerns and everyone replying that it was the right thing to do.

In this instance, she might have a good reason or not. We'll never know.

[Spandang]

@dontdisturbmenow the ex has no say in who is around the OP's step children when they are with their dad regardless of whether the OP and the ex hate each other.

She can if there’s a safeguarding issue.

[Spandang]

I think it could be quite upsetting for children to see their dad with his new partner and new babies. All a nice happy little family. That could have been them. Perhaps their Mum wants to protect them from this

The children know there’s a baby.

The children are now not allowed to a place that has been their home and a part of their lives, either because of the OP or because of the baby.

How is that going to make them feel?

Excluded. Unwanted. Cast aside for Daddy’s new baby. Daddy doesn’t want them.

OP we’ve had a similar problem with my partner’s ex, you absolutely have to seek a court ordered arrangement. In the meantime keep your boundaries high.

Your partner should take whatever contact is allowed in the meantime, but it needs to be made clear that he is complying so that he can see his children, but that he does not accept her reasons for doing so. Do so in writing through a solicitor.

Has he had any advice from a solicitor at all?

I don’t particularly rate solicitors but it is useful to have someone who is the point of contact, the situation is stressful and the relationship will break down between them further.

Solicitors have the added benefit that the other party feels they need one.

Once they realise from their solicitor they don’t have a case and that this is going to be expensive to respond to, it generally focusses the mind on the bigger issues and encourages an agreement which can be court ordered, without involving further hearings.

[RedRumTheHorse]

@dontdisturbmenow the ex has no say in who is around the OP's step children when they are with their dad regardless of whether the OP and the ex hate each other.