to expect my step children to be able to meet their new sister

[wayovermyhead]

I have been with my partner for 4 years and we have a ds1 and a dd together who is 8 weeks old. He has 2 other children with his ex. Things have always been tense between them both, but just recently things have become very much worse. She is refusing to let him see his children unless he sees them at his mothers and is insisting that under no circumstances can they come to our house if I am there or to meet their new sister.

The reasons for this are constantly changing, including to many flies in the house although she has never been here, they are not fed enough, even though I feed them breakfast lunch and an evening meal which they have to eat at 4.30 as they leave at 5 to go home so rarely finish but who wants to eat that early? she claims I have an eating disorder and therefore mental health issues, which in reality was hypermesis with both pregnancies .

AIBU to expect her to accept he has another family as well as his first 2 children, that seeing their siblings is just as important as seeing their father and she shouldnt be able to dictate where my DP sees them.

[quote Florencex]@Cocomarine

meeting a new step sibling is more important than..

It isn’t a new step sibling, it is a new sibling or half sibling to be precise.[/quote]
Yes @Florencex - we dealt with that, if you read the full thread, but thanks.

@aSofaNearYou is it internalised misogyny when it’s the OP saying that she feeds these children breakfast, lunch and dinner? Would be the first woman to pick up the childcare for her new boyfriend’s children - from her own internalised misogyny!

@wayovermyhead OK, so she reacted when you were pregnant before. Can you pinpoint anything that brought her back down that might be helpful this time?

You should let your partner sort this out. And if that means court which I see it does then fine. . It's really nothing to do with you. Sorry but if I was the ex I'd be digging my heels in at pressure from you. It's the wrong approach.

@Viviennemary

I don't think his ex should be forced to have anything to do with you or your children. Obviously she doesn't want to. We're you the OW.

I think the problem here is beyond that - OP's partner's children deserve the opportunity to have a relationship with both their father and their half siblings. It's not about what his ex wants but about what is fair to the children. Her children seeing their father's partner who is also their siblings mother is not the ex having to have 'anything to do with' OP. They're not forcing her to go for a meal together or host a party or something, they don't even need to interact at all.

OP's partner definitely needs to start the court process, mediation + consent order (So what is agreed must stay agreed) or child arrangements order to make sure that his ex can't chop and change contact whenever she feels. Stability is important for everyone involved here.

Your DP needs to go to court and formalize the arrangements.

She is being very unreasonable.

again, more thought for him and not the children maybe you haven't been a stepchild - I have. One family were much more child focused than the other. It s about the children's needs not the adults. I feel sad nothing has changed. Nothing stopping the step children meeting the baby when they need or want to, again not about the bloody adults.

I don't see how this connects to what I said at all. You said perhaps the reason she won't allow the children to come to dad's house is because she doesn't trust him, I said that doesn't add up with her having specified they couldn't go to his house if OP was there.

What has the above comment got to do with that?

If my DH abandoned his family and went off and started a new one with somebody else that would bebhis choice. And I wouldn't be facilitating relationships between half siblings. That would be up to them when they are old enough to choose. If the courts decide differently then of course people need to abide by that.

is it internalised misogyny when it's the OP saying that she feeds these children breakfast, lunch and dinner? Would be the first woman to pick up the childcare for her new boyfriend's children - from her own internalised misogyny!

Indeed, my first thought upon reading the OP was why is she justifying when SHE feeds these children? There is a problem in itself if OP had become default carer when the children were visiting. But still, the mother withholding contact based on when OP feeds them, and because OP wouldn't be able to cope looking after them pregnant (something she shouldn't have expected she would be the one to do in any case) shows some misogynistic assumptions.

Viviennemary could you point me to the post that describes why the DP and his ex split up? The one that says he "abandoned his family".

That you wouldn't facilitate a relationship between the children beggars belief. The kids, their relationship and having healthy introductions should be forefront of any responsible parents mind.

I think it could be quite upsetting for children to see their dad with his new partner and new babies. All a nice happy little family. That could have been them. Perhaps their Mum wants to protect them from this.

it is STILL not about the adults wants and needs, it is about that of his older children. I'm sorry if my opinion and experience disappoints you

It doesn't disappoint me I just don't see how it's in the slightest bit relevant? Why did you reply to my comment about something specific with a possible counter argument, and then derail it to something completely unconnected and act like it was me that changed the subject? 🤷‍♀️ I was pointing out the mum's misogynistic assumptions.

I don't agree with you that it's just about the children's needs (rather than a balance of everyone's), or that there's any evidence the mum's decision is based on their needs.

But it's just not what I was talking about.

PatriciaPerch as a child that has been in this situation, I have thought about why I posted. Sometimes the adults need to let their own petty wants go, and look at how best to manage half sibling relationships.

If the ex was concerned about the mans capabilities, I highly doubt her reasoning for restricting access would be based on the OPs imagined eating disorders, flies and capabilities. If they are somehow an incredibly distracting attempt at flagging her own ex partners abilities she needs to learn to communicate that and - again - not actively prevent a relationship between siblings as a result.

@Viviennemary

If my DH abandoned his family and went off and started a new one with somebody else that would bebhis choice. And I wouldn't be facilitating relationships between half siblings. That would be up to them when they are old enough to choose. If the courts decide differently then of course people need to abide by that.

Actively blocking a relationship between half siblings is an utterly selfish thing to do and only harms the children.

It's not like the ex has any actual issues with the children's father (given she allows him access as long as the OP isn't around). She doesn't have to do anything to facilitate the relationship with the children, that will be down to their father.

Also, they haven't "just had" a baby, the child is 2 months old.

@MzHz

Yet another pathetic bloke who won’t stand up for his kids.

Ffs!

Yet another woman using kids as a weapon

@Viviennemary

If my DH abandoned his family and went off and started a new one with somebody else that would bebhis choice. And I wouldn't be facilitating relationships between half siblings. That would be up to them when they are old enough to choose. If the courts decide differently then of course people need to abide by that.

No one’s asking her to ‘facilitate relationships between half siblings’, they’re asking her to not obstruct the children’s contact with their father. There is a reason the court would stop her from doing that. She’s being a shit parent and if you’d do the same you’re one too.

@LadyEloise you cannot be serious?!

It may certainly explain why she feels anger and resentment but it is absolutely no excuse for her toxic behaviour.

This woman is damaging her children and damaging the relationship they have with their father quite deliberately.

That is disgusting and wrong, no matter what her feelings.

She has absolutely no right to interfere in a father's contact with his kids.

OP I'd note all these incidents down and take her to court.

The op was not the 'OW', she met her husband two years after his break up from first wife.

Op, why is she so very 'anti' you? You didn't cause his marriage to end. Has she not moved on and found someone else?

I don't get why your step children had to leave your home at 5pm to get home, I don't suppose they live five hours away and are presumably a good few years older than your two so don't have to be in bed by seven. I'd have given them dinner at lunch time and a nice tea at 4pm which they probably would have eaten. Then no way could the ex have said you don't feed them.

The ex has said some horrible things about you and your home but the aggression must come from somewhere, even though not your fault. I wonder f the break up was particularly hurtful for her and she cannot get used to your husband being with someone else, never mind having a second family.

I hope it all works out but, really, it is for him to sort.