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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to expect my step children to be able to meet their new sister

143 replies

wayovermyhead · 24/09/2020 17:47

I have been with my partner for 4 years and we have a ds1 and a dd together who is 8 weeks old. He has 2 other children with his ex. Things have always been tense between them both, but just recently things have become very much worse. She is refusing to let him see his children unless he sees them at his mothers and is insisting that under no circumstances can they come to our house if I am there or to meet their new sister.

The reasons for this are constantly changing, including to many flies in the house although she has never been here, they are not fed enough, even though I feed them breakfast lunch and an evening meal which they have to eat at 4.30 as they leave at 5 to go home so rarely finish but who wants to eat that early? she claims I have an eating disorder and therefore mental health issues, which in reality was hypermesis with both pregnancies .

AIBU to expect her to accept he has another family as well as his first 2 children, that seeing their siblings is just as important as seeing their father and she shouldnt be able to dictate where my DP sees them.

OP posts:
wayovermyhead · 24/09/2020 18:29

@Cocomarine

My children are not "stepchildren" to each other. They have the same father and I feel it is wrong to deny them a relationship

OP posts:
Cocomarine · 24/09/2020 18:32

You’re right, they’re half siblings not step -sorry, I was thinking step as they’re your step children who she’s not allowing to visit. I make the same point though - at this point, it’s his relationship with his kids that’s paramount, and he needs to sort out. How did she behave after the first of your children?

wayovermyhead · 24/09/2020 18:32

@anorangeaday

Yes she can because she will not let him take them. She wants to drop them off at his mothers and has threatened if he "goes behind her back" she will withdraw all contact, by which I assume she means if he then takes them from his mothers house and brings them home

OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 24/09/2020 18:38

[quote wayovermyhead]@anorangeaday

Yes she can because she will not let him take them. She wants to drop them off at his mothers and has threatened if he "goes behind her back" she will withdraw all contact, by which I assume she means if he then takes them from his mothers house and brings them home[/quote]
Can't you go to his mother?

Livelovebehappy · 24/09/2020 18:44

This is a situation that your DH needs to manage. You may feel his ex shouldn’t be allowed to dictate when or how he sees his DCs, but there’s nothing you personally can do. Your DH needs to go down the legal route and push for proper access.

Velvetlover65 · 24/09/2020 18:44

What a horrible woman, your husband needs to put his foot down and if that doesnt work then he needs to get a lawyer and take her to court for visitation, its harsh but it will mean he gets to see his kids.

wayovermyhead · 24/09/2020 18:45

@Cocomarine

When I was pregnant with our DS she was irratic and then threatened to stop the children staying overnight as she felt I couldnt cope which was irrelevant as they came to spend time with their father not me.

OP posts:
araiwa · 24/09/2020 18:45

@MzHz

Yet another pathetic bloke who won’t stand up for his kids.

Ffs!

Yet another vindictive,nasty woman weaponising her kids

FFS

Why would you attack the bloke instead of the woman who is clearly the horrible one?

Velvetlover65 · 24/09/2020 18:45

Shes not thinking about anybody but herself

Viviennemary · 24/09/2020 18:51

I don't think his ex should be forced to have anything to do with you or your children. Obviously she doesn't want to. We're you the OW.

Beamur · 24/09/2020 18:51

Mediation sounds like a good start. But it seems likely that your DH will need an order in place.
This is unreasonable behaviour. My half sister has been denied contact with me for most of her life and we're both the poorer for it and I don't think she will thank her mother as she realises this was down to her.
Good luck. You're right to want the children to know their siblings.

RealLifeHotWaterBottle · 24/09/2020 19:05

Viviennemary read the thread ffs. OP isnt bothered about seeing the ex, its the hakf siblings and her DP she wants a relationship for. She was not the OW, though that wouldn't justify weaponising children.

Hope mediation sorts it, but if not, that your DP pursues the court order.

SleepingStandingUp · 24/09/2020 19:06

@Viviennemary

I don't think his ex should be forced to have anything to do with you or your children. Obviously she doesn't want to. We're you the OW.
Rtft

No I was not the other woman, we met 2 years after they had been seperated.

The ex doesn't have to have anything to do with op bit she shouldn't be stopping the kids knowing their sibling

RealLifeHotWaterBottle · 24/09/2020 19:08

SleepingStandingUp that was my first thought too, but based on the snippets we have I can imagine the ex's next step might be to refuse the children visits to their gran's house once she finds out the OP is there

PatriciaPerch · 24/09/2020 19:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Calabasa · 24/09/2020 19:16

how old are his other kids out of interest?

aSofaNearYou · 24/09/2020 19:18

When I was pregnant with our DS she was irratic and then threatened to stop the children staying overnight as she felt I couldnt cope which was irrelevant as they came to spend time with their father not me.

It's obvious from this and the OP that she views you as the "carer" responsible for looking after them, which is internalised misogyny at it's finest. Even if the house is full of flies and the kids aren't fed, she should be blaming their dad. But it's obviously a smoke screen.

He needs to get some legal advice and probably take her to court for access, she has no right to dictate any of this and he should be not only facilitating a sibling bond, but also not disappearing on all contact days when he has two other children at home to care for.

lyralalala · 24/09/2020 19:20

Tbh he should have sorted this as soon as it started. The court order could have been done long ago, but that ship has sailed now.

She can't stop him taking them from his mothers house if he has PR. However, she could obviously be difficult after that. That would go against her in court though.

LouiseTrees · 24/09/2020 19:21

Why don’t you also go to his mums with your children. She never banned that.

Sunnydaysstillhere · 24/09/2020 19:22

Are your dc your dh's? Sounds like he has no balls..
Solicitor tomorrow..
No excuses.

PatriciaPerch · 24/09/2020 19:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LindaEllen · 24/09/2020 19:24

Absolutely take her to court. He needs regular access to his children - and they need it too! No matter what the situation with them when they split (unless of course he was violent, which I'm assuming he wasn't) he should never be stopped from seeing his children, or limited contact, or her dictating things to him.

Some couples work really well together when it comes to sharing childcare after a split. Others don't. Where they don't, court is honestly the most sensible option.

aSofaNearYou · 24/09/2020 19:39

maybe it isnt about the OP at all, more the children and HIM

OP said that she insisted he could not bring the children to his house if OP was there, so she has singled her out as the problem and wouldn't have said that if her concern was the dad and she was relying on OP to care for them.

TheDuchessofMalfy · 24/09/2020 19:40

I was going to say he needs to go to court but I see he’s started the process.

Florencex · 24/09/2020 19:42

@Cocomarine

meeting a new step sibling is more important than..

It isn’t a new step sibling, it is a new sibling or half sibling to be precise.