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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Off he went!

308 replies

Electrixdreamz88 · 24/09/2020 12:21

I fell down the stairs this morning and after the initial shock of just carrying on the pain was unbearable so got to a and e and have broke my foot. DP is off on his friends stag today his lift came an hour after it happened. He was half hour into his journey when I told him the news of the break. We have a 7 year old 2 year old and ten month old. He did the whole do u
You need me to come back? I just said no as I know if he did come back he will be annoyed all weekend missing out...but really he should have came back right?

OP posts:
ravenmum · 24/09/2020 15:37

Getting off the bus and having his mum drive and pick him up does sound a bit of a faff, though - she could equally just have helped you, for instance.

LonelyFromCorona · 24/09/2020 15:42

SAY WHAT YOU MEAN AND HOW YOU FEEL

none of this I said no but he should have known I wanted to say yes crap

It's not an excuse.

Rinoachicken · 24/09/2020 15:48

Since you already have help I would let him have his 4 days, but make sure he knows you cannot drive so he will have to do the drop off/pick ups for however many weeks.

If he makes a fuss over that then yeah, he’s a dick.

Lweji · 24/09/2020 15:57

FOUR days?

I thought you had said stag weekend, not a holiday.

Tell him to cut his stag do short. He can return on Saturday and support you.

Original poster
Electrixdreamz88 · 24/09/2020 16:10

Ok so I asked him if he could come home on sat and he said he would need someone (family members) to go pick him up 8 hour round trip. I asked could he not get a bus and he said he would check then he replied with 'there is a bus sorted to bring g us home on Sunday and you want me to come home by bus on sat'.

This was the reason I told him just to go because u knew he didn't want to stay and help and he doesn't even want to come home a day early to help. I just want to be able to go back to my own comforts to rest

OP posts:
BashfulClam · 24/09/2020 16:13

This is the problem with men and women. Women don’t say what they mean and use subtle hints.

Men just say what they mean. That why they don’t read anything into a conversation and take you at your word. I had a friend who was very upset as she was hinting and her boyfriend didn’t take the hint. I told her just to be straight with him...that worked!

BalloonSlayer · 24/09/2020 16:19

His making it into a question it makes you feel you are being weak by saying yes please.

I have never done this myself but I suspect the most effective response is "Well of COURSE I need you to come back. I've broken my FOOT." Thus making him see he is being an arse for even considering you might be ok.

changing35 · 24/09/2020 16:20

@12309845653ghydrvj

I think it’s not a good idea to start pitting yourself against his friends like this. It’s a special occasion with them, you shouldn’t want him to cancel it unless it’s absolutely 100% necessary, and it’s clearly not.

Likewise if you had booked a weekend away with him for an anniversary, and his friend had an injury and he offered to stay with the friend instead (when the friend had other options) you would be annoyed. Obviously it’s not the same because you’re his partner, but if one person can make other arrangements and the fun, planned event can still go ahead, then it should.

Your foot will still be injured regardless of what he does, and your children will still be ok. He will owe your sister a really nice couple of bottles of wine, and it might be necessary for him to make his way home early.

But come running back like the situation is earth shattering? No, it sucks and will be inconvenient, but it’s not like it’s an emotional moment where only he can be there for you

The two scenarios are in no way comparable
ravenmum · 24/09/2020 16:21

there is a bus sorted to bring g us home on Sunday and you want me to come home by bus on sat
I can still see where he's coming from tbh. Can you stay with your sister until then?

diddl · 24/09/2020 16:21

A broken foot & 3 young kids-you shouldn't have to say anything!!!

I can understand he doesn't want to miss his time away.

He could at least have said would it be OK to sort some help out for Op & if not possible of course he would come home!

Lweji · 24/09/2020 16:22

'there is a bus sorted to bring g us home on Sunday and you want me to come home by bus on sat'.

Well, yes.

You are in no condition to take care of three children. You need someone to care for you! And it's not fair on any of you four or your children that you have to be away from home.
He's had his time with friends. He doesn't need that long with them.

CuppaZa · 24/09/2020 16:23

Sorry about your foot.
Maybe from this you’ve learned that you need to answer truthfully? Lots of men take what you say. Do you have to mean what you say

changing35 · 24/09/2020 16:23

Hes doing a great job of making you feel total shit and the bad guy. He should have turned back early into the journey and then an 8 hour round trip wouldnt be an issue. Ever thought if you werent rushing around trying to get three kids out of the house before work while he potters about before going off on a stag for four days you, maybe, just maybe, wouldnt have fallen and hurt yourself in the first place

ravenmum · 24/09/2020 16:24

I'd say - either you can't do without him and he has to come back ASAP, or it can wait until Saturday, in which case it could really wait until Sunday ... so either you go for "I was in shock and should not have told you to go, come back NOW", or you go for "Stay till Sunday but you're going to have to make up for this by doing everything for the next few weeks".

Mittens030869 · 24/09/2020 16:24

I voted YANBU, because my DH wouldn’t even have asked the question. In fact, he wouldn’t have left in the first place after I’d had the accident. It would be the same the other way around as well. When a co-parent breaks their foot, quite obviously they need the other parent to help look after the DC, especially if the DC are young.

I’m glad your sister has stepped in to have your DC with her. I hope you make a good recovery. Flowers

Original poster
Electrixdreamz88 · 24/09/2020 16:47

I have now been told that I just don't want him to enjoy himself and that it was my own fault I fell and why should he have to pay for my stupidity. I knew he'd react like
This. I've been told not to text him and let him have fun with his friends.

OP posts:
goldensummerhouse · 24/09/2020 16:47

I asked could he not get a bus and he said he would check then he replied with 'there is a bus sorted to bring g us home on Sunday and you want me to come home by bus on sat'.

Will he even be much use when he does come back? he doesn't sound like he's brimming over with initiative.

Whatamesssss · 24/09/2020 16:50

Fuck him @Electrixdreamz88 So much for in sickness and in health

Try and have a nice time with your sister and remember this for when he is sick or injured.

To all the handmaidens on this thread, what is wrong with you? He should have just turned around and come home, you shouldn't have to ask and he shouldn't have asked if he should come home.

goldensummerhouse · 24/09/2020 16:51

It's bollocks that men are literal and women aren't. I have a brother who only speaks in hints, and an ex too. Selfish people will choose to take things literally or whatever else when it suits their own needs.

I've been told not to text him and let him have fun with his friends.

And meanwhile your DS picks up the slack. Leaving a partner with a broken foot when there are three small children to look after is just horrible. I assume you're staying with it. Just remember this next time he's ill and your immediate impulse is to drop everything and take care of him. He won't do it for you.

WitchDancer · 24/09/2020 16:59

@Electrixdreamz88

I have now been told that I just don't want him to enjoy himself and that it was my own fault I fell and why should he have to pay for my stupidity. I knew he'd react like This. I've been told not to text him and let him have fun with his friends.
I can't believe he said this! My DH would have cancelled as soon as I fell, which is exactly what I would expect from him. I would do the same for him, it's what you do in a partnership. I would definitely be reassessing my relationship if this had happened.
renallychallenged · 24/09/2020 16:59

He's a twat. The emotional blackmailing messages just confirm it. I suspect this is the tip of the iceberg as there must be a big back story as to why you didn't just tell him t stay in the first place (and why he even needs telling!)

On the plus side you have 4 days on your sisters sofa to make a plan. A proper plan. To get a better life than this. You deserve it.

diddl · 24/09/2020 17:05

@Electrixdreamz88

I have now been told that I just don't want him to enjoy himself and that it was my own fault I fell and why should he have to pay for my stupidity. I knew he'd react like This. I've been told not to text him and let him have fun with his friends.
Wow!
OhCaptain · 24/09/2020 17:08

As with so, so many threads on here it’s never about a relatively smaller issue.

He’s a total prick, @Electrixdreamz88. I’m sorry.

TheTeenageYears · 24/09/2020 17:08

He now has 4 days to work out how he is going to carry the burden for the next 6 weeks while you are in a cast. Have a rest at your sisters and do not give any thought to what happens next. Do not message him from now on. When he arrives home you can calmly tell him that he's had his time and now has to step up or pack his bags.

Original poster
Electrixdreamz88 · 24/09/2020 17:17

My sister keeps asking me why I'm so panicked about being in this cast but it's because I know he won't help they way I need him too and if I ask too much I'll be a nag

OP posts: