To expect my husband to stay at home this Christmas

[Cloudsandrainbows]

Sorry this is complicated and long winded, will try to get to the point. I have two children and my husband has another from a previous relationship....which for many reasons I have not seen in 3 years(the mother is very nasty, and always calling the shots, court would make no difference, she's not the sort to listen to a court order, and it's been so long and the relationship between me and this child has been too severely damaged to repair, not to mention the impact on my children to attempt a reconsilliation again), however my husband has still had regular contact every other weekend, and until the pandemic was staying overnight at his parents on those weekends.
With christmas looming I am anticipating the next hurdle. It is his turn to have his other child on Xmas Eve and day. They have for the past 4 years been taking turns rather than having half the day each as previously, which was unfair as my husband had to do all the running around in the middle of our Christmas dinner. 2 years ago, when it was last his turn, I was left heavily pregnant with a 3 year old over Xmas, and decided to go to my mums, which didn't actually help as my then 3 year old still spent hours upon hours crying for her daddy on Christmas Eve, and the whole experience was very upsetting all round. Our youngest will be almost 2 by Christmas and I'm upset for him as well as my 5 year old that they will not have their dad on Christmas day. I understand he wants to see his other child and have no issue with that, but I feel he should be spending the day with us. His other child wouldn't miss out by having Christmas with her mother instead, but our children will be devastated to not have daddy at home. I cannot imagine him telling her mother he can't have her this Christmas or asking to change the arrangements, or her accepting any changes but I feel he needs to put his foot down and do right by us for a change. Am I being unreasonable to expect him to spend Christmas with us instead of his other child?

Shouldn't be common*

I really take offence at the notion I have conditioned my kids to whine and winge for their dad?! I am not making my children unhappy, they miss him when he's not here, what am I meant to do, not allow then to miss their dad? And again never said SD doesn't deserve to see her dad and always has done but she does also have a mother. What mother would want to spend Christmas away from their children? I don't think she would be upset at being with her mum on Christmas day? I simply propose he sees her for a few hours but still has time with us. It's Christmas day for everyone, and I would like for her mother to appreciate my children also exist! Is that so much to ask? Well from this woman yes, but that's where I expect my husband to step in and ask for things to be different. She is the one imposing this ridiculous situation, therefore she can compromise on Christmas so all children involved get to see their dad? Is that not fair?

I’m just concerned that you are putting adult emotions and behaviour onto a child.

You might not like DH’s ex but it’s really unfair for SD to not be included as part of the family. Even if she is a stroppy mare, that is likely just her acting out due to the stresses she has been put under of being torn between two parents. As the adults you need to keep inviting her into your home and giving her time and affection even when she is tricky. Short term pain pays long term gain with kids.

Frankly the way you speak about her I’m not surprised she appears to ‘hate’ you. It’s time to make amends now before she becomes a teenager and the divide deepens.

@ithinkiveseenthisfilmbefore

Doesn’t matter if the SD pre-exists the OP 2 children. They are just as important.

Of course they are. But they get daddy 26 days out of 30 roughly. They are already getting a lot more of daddy than their sibling is.They can do Christmas on another day this year, like many families have to do.

It doesn’t matter that the OP kids get him 26 days out of 30. It’s Xmas day... that’s 1 day a year and that shouldn’t be spent away from two of his children

SD should be more then welcome to come over and spend it together but if she doesn’t want to then that’s her choice.

she does also have a mother

But you don't seem to get the irony of this...

Your children also have a mother they can spend Christmas with.

Why do your kids get to miss daddy over Christmas and shouldn't be away from him but your DSD should be perfectly happy with just her mum?

I am honestly usually so supportive of step parents on these boards but I just can't be in this instance.

Your anger surrounding the situation with her mum and the damage caused to your relationship with your DSD and the consequences of that are clouding your thoughts imo. You are being glaringly hypocritical and you can't even see it

But if the ex said that SD could spend the day with you all at in laws, would you go?

Ex shouldn’t get to call all the shots but I get the impression that you do not want to have a relationship with SD due to whatever happened when she was 9?

Maybe I’m reading this incorrectly but it sounds as if both you and the ex are ensuring that DH has to choose on Xmas day?

You all sound like you could do with some counseling. You are all going to be in each other's lives for a very long time. The issues caused now will follow your DC into the next generation.

Your husband has to step up and facilitate this now so you can become a functioning blended family. Your step DD also needs help to disentangle some of her emotions related to her dad having a new family, her mum possibly guilt tripping her for enjoying being with her dad etc. She's 12!

For the sake of all your mental health, especially all the children get support and work hard at ensuring you can all spend positive time together, including Christmas.

And I agree, if this whole situation and you being unable to spend time together on Christmas is all down to his exes behaviour then I'm really sorry, that's no on, it's not okay.

But if it's the only way this child gets to spend a Christmas with her father every other year then I don't really see what else you can do?

What you are proposing is a child loses out on Christmas with her dad because the adults involved have caused such a mess.

Yes you should all be able to see each other on Christmas but you can't due to reasons we don't fully know. It sounds shit and difficult and sad for the children involved but it doesn't mean a 12 year old should never get to spend a Christmas day with her Dad. Whether that's her mum's fault or not is kind of irrelevant really.

YANBU. I just read all your updates, but I really think you should take this to court. Even if you think it won’t help.

If it’s your DH’s year to have his DD for Christmas, then he should have ALL his DC for Christmas. You should all spend those 2 days together - you, DH and 3 DC.

Your DH needs to put his foot down and get all his DC together. And go to court.

@TheNanny23 yes it is unfair but that's her mother's doing, not mine! I feel sorry for the child, she has been put through the mill. She has a lot of issues due to this situation and has been emotionally damaged, and that is part of our reason to not take things to court as it would be too stressful for her. The mother puts immense pressure on her to say things and would no doubt start the vendetta against me all over again if we initiated court proceedings, not to mention she would inevitably refuse all contact with SD as she often does when things don't go her way.
I am not the wicked stepmum you are willing me to be, I am just trying to navigate a tricky situation as best I can with minimal upset to my own children as well.
Not sure why my point isn't understood about SD having separate parents. I myself had separated parents growing up and had 2 Christmas days, and I can honestly say I was never upset to not see my dad Christmas day as knew no different, however with previous Christmas experiences I predict my eldest to be hugely upset again, is that my fault?

If it’s your DH’s year to have his DD for Christmas, then he should have ALL his DC for Christmas. You should all spend those 2 days together - you, DH and 3 DC

But what do you do if this can't happen?

There is obviously a big back story here and it sounds like it isn't just a case of the ex saying the DSD can't go over there but more that OPs and the DSDs relationship has been damaged so far as they don't want to be around each other.

It doesn't sound like a simple case of the ex just letting the DSD round to the OPs house or OP going to the PILs house. It sounds like OP and DSD don't want to see each other (that could be down to the ex dripping poison as suggested of course).

There sounds like a lot of backstory here we don't know.

And it sounds more to me from the OPs replies that she isn't suggesting they all spend Christmas together (which would be reasonable) but is instead wanting DSD to stay with her mum so that her DH can spend Christmas with his two kids with her instead. All this insistence of 'she has a mother she can spend Christmas with', 'shes used to being from a broken home', it doesn't sound like OP wants the DSD spending Christmas with her Dad at all.

Not sure why my point isn't understood about SD having separate parents. I myself had separated parents growing up and had 2 Christmas days

But your situation isn't the norm. Even for separated parents.

My husband has children from his previous relationship. When it's his year for Christmas we spend it together because our situation allows for that. Unfortunately yours doesn't, that may be down to the girl's mother but it doesn't change the fact that you're still asking a child to lose out on spending every other Christmas with her Dad.

It is unfortunate, it is sad, without knowing the full story we can't possibly say what the answer is but I think you're being unreasonable to suggest it's the same for all kids of separated parents so she should just get over it. Yours is a unique situation by the sounds of it.

I would struggle to accept this situation of your DH not being allowed to see his daughter in his own home and with her own siblings and step parent. There is no court order against it. I would just have to keep fighting. Does he ever take your dc with him when he goes to spend time with his other Dd?

No I would not go if I was permitted by the ex to see SD. I am too worried of repercussions, she is a spiteful person and I fear seeing SD would open a can of worms, so be honest even if she ended the fued it would take a long time for any trust to be built. I have offered contact centre visits, which were refused and caused a major argument. She refuses mediation, but we have done our half several times, counceling we did and after a couple of sessions the mother tried to hit me and stormed out and accused the man of being bias towards us, even though she chose him. I really don't see a resolve. Believe we have tried!
I also have huge reservations about how it will affect the children. Mine are too young to understand, and to be introduced to a half sibling they don't really know is a big thing and will take time, but even if went well, the mother could easily stop contact again, and then what?!

I suppose I will have to consider doing Christmas on a different day to save the peace.
You need to make appropriate Christmas arrangements because it's the right thing to do by the children, not so you can 'keep the peace' and play the victim.

My step daughter is used to having her parents separate, they separated when she was just a few months old. I'm not saying she doesn't deserve Christmas with her dad or wouldn't miss it, but my children don't come from a broken home and have both parents together and my eldest especially is always asking where daddy is when he isn't here and is far too young to understand this ridiculous situation, where my stepdaughter who is 12, fully understands the situation and is part of the reason things are this way, as she supposedly hates me.
Please tell me you're not comparing your DC not seeing their dad occasionally with having parents who are separated from birth (practically).

The fact you can so spitefully blame a 9 year old for this situation makes you sound awful.

What you seem to be saying is 'i haven't split from my children's father so they should have everything at the expense of his other child'

I'm not saying SD can't see her dad!!!!!! I just think it unfair in the current situation that DH leaves for 2 days at Christmas, seeing as he's done it before and it was really upsetting for my eldest, I think there should be a compromise. Surely that is not unreasonable? Yes ideally we'd all be together including SD but that's not an option.

If the ex is as unbalanced as you say, which she may well be, why has your husband not attempted to get full custody?

It's very upsetting when one parent prevents a child from having contact with wider family on the other parent's side. It is the child that misses out.

If anything happens to the ex presumably your DH will be the sole guardian for his child and she will come to live with you all. That would also be harder on all fronts if prior contact hasn't been allowed.

At what point have I ever blamed SD???? Nothing is the fault of the child, it is the mother's poisoning of the child that is the main issue in this situation. I am not asking for opinions on the situation. It is what it is and I have been trying to live with it for 3 years and make the best life I can for the children involved. It's Christmas I am trying to navigate

I'm not saying SD can't see her dad!!!!!! I just think it unfair in the current situation that DH leaves for 2 days at Christmas, seeing as he's done it before and it was really upsetting for my eldest, I think there should be a compromise.
Your idea of compromise is that your DP puts you and your joint children first and his other child misses out on Christmas with her father.
A compromise is that he spends alternating Christmases between his children if you can't bring yourself to accommodate his child.

@Cloudsandrainbows

I'm not saying SD can't see her dad!!!!!! I just think it unfair in the current situation that DH leaves for 2 days at Christmas, seeing as he's done it before and it was really upsetting for my eldest, I think there should be a compromise. Surely that is not unreasonable? Yes ideally we'd all be together including SD but that's not an option.

Yes and the compromise you're asking for only affects one child. Your DSD. Funny that.

I do see your point about having both her parents together with her at Christmas not being an option for your SD. But she would be missing out if she never gets to see her dad on actual Christmas Day, and she will know it. At least your DC will be getting that every other year.

If DH is at his parents with your SD, could the kids not go there and spend some of Christmas Day with him?

At what point have I ever blamed SD????Nothing is the fault of the child,

Of course you haven't.
where my stepdaughter who is 12, fully understands the situation and is part of the reason things are this way, as she supposedly hates me.

SD wants to be with her mum, we would never try to take her away from her. I. Honestly she spends most of the time with her grandparents, not her mum. I know she lives her mum, but as she has got older age can see that her mum isn't always the perfect role model, so maybe in the future things will change, who knows. But she currently has a good relationship with her father which needs to be maintained, but not at the cost of the relationship he has with our kids l, as that would be unfair

So your plan is never to allow your children to know their half sibling?

You are putting a lot of adult emotions onto a 12 year old girl.

Also at 12 the relationship is not irretreivable. Your DH could go to court. He could put in the effort, as could you.

You have both chosen to settle with the route you are on and you are entitled to do that, however you will have to accept that that is going to mean he has time away from you on special occasions when it is his DD's turn.

This year it is her turn to spend Christmas day with her father. She is not more important than your children, but she is also not less important. Alternate Christmases are the only way they work in the circumstances you are in and your children are young and will get used to it.

You have three choices really - you accept it and make the best of it, you (and your DH) put in the fight to sort the relationship with your DSD so you can all spend christmases together, or you decide this is too big an issue and you call time on your marriage.

Your DH never spending another Christmas Day with his child is not an acceptable option.