To expect my husband to stay at home this Christmas

[Cloudsandrainbows]

Sorry this is complicated and long winded, will try to get to the point. I have two children and my husband has another from a previous relationship....which for many reasons I have not seen in 3 years(the mother is very nasty, and always calling the shots, court would make no difference, she's not the sort to listen to a court order, and it's been so long and the relationship between me and this child has been too severely damaged to repair, not to mention the impact on my children to attempt a reconsilliation again), however my husband has still had regular contact every other weekend, and until the pandemic was staying overnight at his parents on those weekends.
With christmas looming I am anticipating the next hurdle. It is his turn to have his other child on Xmas Eve and day. They have for the past 4 years been taking turns rather than having half the day each as previously, which was unfair as my husband had to do all the running around in the middle of our Christmas dinner. 2 years ago, when it was last his turn, I was left heavily pregnant with a 3 year old over Xmas, and decided to go to my mums, which didn't actually help as my then 3 year old still spent hours upon hours crying for her daddy on Christmas Eve, and the whole experience was very upsetting all round. Our youngest will be almost 2 by Christmas and I'm upset for him as well as my 5 year old that they will not have their dad on Christmas day. I understand he wants to see his other child and have no issue with that, but I feel he should be spending the day with us. His other child wouldn't miss out by having Christmas with her mother instead, but our children will be devastated to not have daddy at home. I cannot imagine him telling her mother he can't have her this Christmas or asking to change the arrangements, or her accepting any changes but I feel he needs to put his foot down and do right by us for a change. Am I being unreasonable to expect him to spend Christmas with us instead of his other child?

Disappearing OP?

@Anordinarymum

It's only one day. Children want presents for Christmas. They would not care if they ate Maccy Dees for their lunch on Christmas day - hey they would probably prefer it ha ha.. Stop making an issue out of nothing and relax.

It's not about us anyway it's about something far far bigger.. just had to say that as it sprang into my silly head

OP are you really expecting your husband to choose which of his children he would prefer to spend Christmas with. That’s extremely unreasonable. You married someone with a child from a previous relationship so there was always the potential for issues and you should have realised this. You sound quite demanding. Your own children are so young they won’t know what’s going anyway, so actually you should probably be the one being more flexible. As for your children being upset at their Dad not being there for Christmas Day, how on earth do you think all the emergency shift workers and their families manage. You are making a drama out of nothing. Don’t flounce off again to your parents. That’s just selfish and petulant. Try and be reasonable about it. Your husband, who is being pulled in all directions, will be very grateful.

@Anordinarymum I meant to say I agree, apart from the something far bigger bit 😜

I haven’t read the whole thread but just from your initial posts, it seems to me that you are aiming your anger at your husbands ex but actually your problem is your DH - he has gone along with this ridiculous scenario for too long. He should have arranged proper access via the court system when the ex started making unreasonable demands to not allow the DC’s to visit their fathers hone!

Thank you for input and for clarifying what I suspected, that court will make no difference. The relationship is irreparably damaged, and I can only foresee more upset for all involved to try and rock the boat again. It seems everyone else thinks I am being unreasonable. I suppose I will have to consider doing Christmas on a different day to save the peace. My step daughter is used to having her parents separate, they separated when she was just a few months old. I'm not saying she doesn't deserve Christmas with her dad or wouldn't miss it, but my children don't come from a broken home and have both parents together and my eldest especially is always asking where daddy is when he isn't here and is far too young to understand this ridiculous situation, where my stepdaughter who is 12, fully understands the situation and is part of the reason things are this way, as she supposedly hates me. We did used to have my step daughter 2 nights a week, school holidays etc but even then it was very difficult with the mother dictating what we did with her and complaining all the time about various things. If my husband was to go against her wishes, she would be on the phone to social services again causes havoc and making accusations. Believe me this woman is unhinged, and bitter, she likes to hold a grudge even when it harms her own child, and has spent the last 5 years running me down to her child who now despises me, and there is nothing I can do about it. As much as the situation hurts me on a weekly basis as it is, I still believe it is preferential to the trauma court would cause, not to mention the cost which we could ill afford. Selfish as it may be, we've had a difficult year and I wanted a nice family Christmas. My children are autistic and as much as I love them, it can be very hard work and lonely parenting on your own

Apologies people for no responses, phone got dropped in the bath!

But the other child is also HIS child, why are your children’s feelings somehow more important than the other child? Obviously your own children are more important to you but his other child is also his child and so should be equally as important! She doesn’t get to have her dad at Christmas despite the fact your children had him last year- so she/he never gets a turn to have Christmas with their dad but your children automatically should get every year? That is absurd. You sound selfish, stubborn and like a complete nightmare! If you don’t want to share him fairly then you shouldn’t of had children with someone who already had a child, and if you want to see him on Christmas every year you better make your DH sort out this mess so that you can have a blended Christmas with all the children together.

Your comment, “my children don’t come from a broken home”, you sound horrid!

That aside, Silence above is correct what happened last year? I wonder if you are the aggravator amongst this all.

Still reading through all the messages, and seems many also think I should have expected trouble with the ex seeing as he has another child, or that I married him knowing he had another child so can't complain now. Just want to ask if this is common for the ex to be so nasty then? Or is it that his other child should take priority as she was born first? That is her mother's stance on it anyway, so not sure if that is a common thought?
As for emergency workers on Christmas day.. they do an amazing job and I'm sure their children are proud of what they do, but the fact is my husband isn't an emergency worker! I have no explanation to give my kids. I don't tell them where he really is as I think it will be hurtful to say he's with his other child and your not welcome to be there, or is that also wrong of me? I guess everyone will have a slightly different opinion and there is no real right or wrong. Perhaps there are some dad's on here that have an opinion on what they would do? Or how they would feel? I am by no means asking my husband to chose between his children, I have never stopped him seeing his other child, nor would I, his ex is the one forcing him to chose and constantly making ultimatums.

"My children don't come from a broken home"
Wooowwwwww

Going forward I really think the only way to deal with any of this is to have her in your house. This keeping her constantly separate will not work forever.

Does he not want his dc even knowing each other? As I asked upthread, what happens with extended family events?

The situation is ridiculous he needs to go to court.

My children don't come from a broken home

Wow this is going to go well

Still not read all messages but no I am not the other woman! It was the ex that cheated and left when SD was just a few months old. Things were ok when we were first married and up until my DD was about 2, the mother is very resentful, don't even know why, I did nothing but help out with childcare, and do nice things with SD but anything I did she enjoyed, she would say the opposite to her mother, always seemed she didn't want her mum to think she was having a good time when with us. She's never been that pleasant but the relationship was amicable most of the time, however over the years it's got worse and worse and accusations have got stronger and she has gone to new lows. We have tried mediation, councelling etc but nothing has ever worked she won't comply, just thinks everyone is on 'our side'?!
She expects me to leave my house every other weekend for her daughter to come over, which I actually did do when this situation first kicked off.
I have never said my DH time with SD is any less important than his time with our children I simply mean my children have one Christmas and mum and dad together, SD always has 2 Christmases, one with mum and one with dad. I suppose it wouldn't matter if we just did Christmas on boxing Day, but I'm going to know it's Christmas day, but it's about the kids so I'll just suck it up.
Also court is not the magic solution everyone thinks it is.... We've had plenty of legal advice but a court can't change a person. This woman wouldn't comply with a court order, she changed with the wind and it's not a nice process to drag the children through, let alone for adults involved

the relationship between me and this child has been too severely damaged to repair

The child was 9 at the time? What happened?

OP, maybe use this year to try and build a relationship so you can also go to in laws for Xmas?

You say your children do not come from a broken home, but it sounds as if they don’t know their sister at all, in a way it’s hardly a fully in-tact family? Esp as dad is off every weekend without them.

Do they even know they have a sister?

My children don't come from a broken home

OP please re-read this and think about what you've said. Its hard when you meet someone with children, but there has to be an acceptance that his children are all equal. There is no justification for your children having every Xmas day with him and her not having one. The way you speak about her makes me think potentially her mum isn't the issue here. You've not made it clear what the issues are between you and her/her mum at all.

Every Xmas I have Xmas dinner with all my children on Xmas Eve. We've done it 4 years running now. Its the girls choice and we as parents both get equal Xmas Day time with them. On Xmas Day we open presents together and then my older girls head to their dads where they have Xmas dinner with him, stay over and have Boxing day there. My little two stay with me and we visit my mum. I cant imagine telling my girls that they cant see their dad on Xmas day, and they are not emotionally scarred by eating a turkey dinner on Xmas eve instead of Xmas day.

When kids are young, they accept what parents tell them. For mine, its that Xmas is shared out so that all the people that love them get to see them. You can influence how your children view this arrangement in a positive way. If you choose to.

Equally @Cloudsandrainbows he shouldn't spend every Christmas away from his other children.

Your DCs get to see their daddy week in and week out, save for roughly 4 days per month.

YABU to think they take priority on Christmas Day. Your SD pre-exists your DC, and only gets to see him EOW. She gets Christmas this year on the rota, so she gets Christmas.

You can raise your DCs to get over it and celebrate separately with Daddy or you can encourage them to whinge and cry about it and make it worse yourself. You're the grown up. Set the tone.

This is an extremely damaging arrangement for everyone but the ex.

YANBU

I would not put up with my partner disappearing on Xmas day when he has two kids at home! Totally unacceptable.

He either brings the SD to your house or you all go to his parents house together and spend it with his SD. If she doesn’t like it then that’s her problem and she can go back home. 2 kids don’t get to have a shit Xmas because his ex is poison.

I am sure it is hard for you...but your Husband's DC deserves him just as much as your kids do. Maybe you can figure out a way to split the day or try again to build up a relationship with your step child.
My ex DH ditches his children often so I think it's lovely your DH is committed to all his kids.

@ithinkiveseenthisfilmbefore

Your DCs get to see their daddy week in and week out, save for roughly 4 days per month.

YABU to think they take priority on Christmas Day. Your SD pre-exists your DC, and only gets to see him EOW. She gets Christmas this year on the rota, so she gets Christmas.

You can raise your DCs to get over it and celebrate separately with Daddy or you can encourage them to whinge and cry about it and make it worse yourself. You're the grown up. Set the tone.

Doesn’t matter if the SD pre-exists the OP 2 children. They are just as important.

@Devlesko

YABU he had a child first, which comes before yours. It's his turn to have his child. You need to sort it out as your dc have half siblings, this isn't about you and what you want.

What a load of bollocks.

Doesn’t matter if the SD pre-exists the OP 2 children. They are just as important.

Of course they are. But they get daddy 26 days out of 30 roughly. They are already getting a lot more of daddy than their sibling is.They can do Christmas on another day this year, like many families have to do.

Just want to ask if this is common for the ex to be so nasty then? Or is it that his other child should take priority as she was born first

No it should be common and there is a weird belief on MN I find that you should have known any and all issues that may arise from dating a parent before you started seeing them. Reality doesn't work that way though, no one has a crystal ball and we all find ourselves in situations we never expected to be in sometimes. I don't think anyone should have to expect an ex to be an utterly vile human being toward them when they first start dating someone and then be blamed for not thinking about that before they began dating if it happens later on.

However, I don't think you are being reasonable in this particular situation. It is upsetting and sad for all that the relationship has been so severely damaged that you can't spend time all together however that is the situation you are in and his other DD does deserve to see her father still regardless. His DD is not less deserving of his time just because she's used to not having him around as much, that's a really sad way to look at it actually.

One thing I will say though is I cannot abide by people saying stupid shit like

YABU he had a child first, which comes before yours

No child comes before any other child no matter what chronological order they were born in. Do people actually think this way? That's terrible. He is equally a father to all. No one is more important than anyone else.